Blacktail Deer Plateau The Bitterness to Touch These Lips

@Peregrine

Her mate had been ignoring her. Always busy with something else. Hawkeye was irritated and wondered when her time was. Frustrated and angry, Hawkeye walked around the plateau with a scowl on her face. Clouds were overcast ahead, reflecting her somewhat sour mood.

The female perched herself near her shrine, which was now broken-down, its colorful stones scattered and halfway buried. Hawkeye looked out to the mountain across the way and sighed. Turning, the female gathered the bones and dusted off the rocks, trying to remember the way the Lecter had placed them.

Lecter. The black beast hadn't thought about the male in so long. Where is he now? Hawkeye wondered, thinking that maybe a journey to find him might come about soon.

Then, her mind jumped to her own family. She had a brother she'd never met. Maybe Peregrine would be interested in meeting all of them. Hawkeye pondered on whether or not they should go alone now, or bring the girls when they were a little older.

Mind rushing with confusing thoughts, Hawkeye stepped from the trees and bushes that kept her altar secret and let out a howl to summon her mate.

A week or so ago, Peregrine would've said she was avoiding him... or at least not giving him or their relationship the least bit of attention. Then he would've admitted that the road went both ways and that they'd both dropped the ball. Presently, she was right to feel that he was the one actively avoiding her, because he was. He was keeping his distance as he tried to sort out his thoughts and feelings. Eventually, though, it dawned on him that staying away from his mate and discussing their problems with everyone except her was the wrong approach. He needed to bite the bullet, sit down and communicate with the person who mattered most: Hawkeye herself.

When she called for him this morning, he stopped and thought, A day late and a dollar short. Nonetheless, he went to her. When he spotted her between the trees, he paused and regarded her from a distance. Peregrine slowly made his way toward his mate, though he did not go to her immediately and touch her, as he would have in the past. Instead, he regarded her with fond but guarded eyes and mused, "It's so incredible that we're alone," in a wry tone. He paused, then added, "What's up?" He had a lot on his mind but it seemed she did too. Ladies first.

Hawkeye was put off by his approach. Her green eyes searched his face. "We haven't been alone in forever and you greet me like this? You're unbelievable, Peregrine. Why don't you go first since there is so much on your mind that you can't even be happy to see me." As usual, Hawkeye spoke before she thought.

Hawkeye was pissed. She spent all of her time with the children, after he'd pursued her to be his mate in the first place. She would say so if necessary, but for now she was quiet, her face serious as she tried to mask the hurt in her eyes.

Hawkeye immediately grew defensive and waspish, which made Peregrine's ears splay backward. Summoning some patience, he replied, "Sorry, I don't mean to be a dick." He pursed his lips, then took a breath and added, "I don't mean or want to hurt you. But I'm going to be honest. I'm really confused about how I feel about our relationship right now, hence why I've been particularly distant this past week and why I'm hanging back now."

After giving her a chance to process that, Peregrine continued by saying, "We've both been so busy with the pups that we haven't paid any attention to our mate-ship. I guess that's probably normal but... in hindsight, we paired up and made babies so quickly. We didn't create a strong foundation for this relationship first. And now it's on shaky ground because of that. And before you say anything, I just want you to know that I take my share of responsibility for it. I'm not trying to lay blame anywhere, least of all solely on you or anything. I'm just... this is what I'm thinking and how I feel. You deserve to know and I just want to be honest about where I stand right now."

ooc: sorry for late reply, been dealing with some appointments that got botched and I'm stressed :/

Hawkeye's mouth parted. She had felt bad for snapping at her mate, but now a quiet numbness consumed her. Her face felt flush, but not due to a compliment. The black gal's vision blurred, then became clear again; she was too stunned to notice that it had been tears that pooled in her eyes and then spilled over onto the forest floor.

So, what are you saying? spoke in her head, but she did not realize it was not said aloud to the male in front of her. The world spun around her as she stared at her mate — was he? — with a bewildered, confused, and hurt expression.

"Peregrine," she said firmly (but in a quiet voice), trying to get his attention since he hadn't answered her question. "I said... what exactly are you saying?" Her eyes roamed rapidly across his face, remembering the features she had forgotten. Hawkeye took a step forward, but stopped, not sure what she should do.

I hope things settle down for you soon!

Hawkeye demanded to know what he was saying, which was her right. He looked at her and achieved a sudden and extraordinarily painful clarity. His stomach turned and he thought he might vomit and, at the same time, his throat seemed to close. He even felt a little heady. To steady himself, he drew in a deep breath, then considered his words carefully before speaking.

"I'm saying... god, I wish it wasn't true but I'm not sure that I'm in love with you anymore." The words came out of his mouth like knives, cutting up his insides on their way out. Surely, they did the same damage once they reached Hawkeye's ears. "I'm so fucking sorry, Hawkeye. I pursued you. I convinced you to get pregnant. It's my fault; it's all my fault..." He shook his head wearily. "You've been so exhausted, so burnt out, and it's due in large part to me rushing us into everything," he mused regretfully. Deep down, he knew they were both at fault but, right now, that wounded look in his wife's eyes made him place all the blame upon himself.

A horrible silence stretched between them for just a beat or two before Peregrine said quietly, "I still care for you deeply; that will never change. And I don't know about you but I don't—I couldn't—regret any of it... least of all the kids. No matter what happens and where we go from here... I will be the best father I can be to them." He didn't think Hawkeye would want to keep the kids away from him or vice versa but, in case she did try anything, he would fight (probably even to the death) to stay in their lives in the very same capacity as before. He would not let the possible disassembly of their relationship affect their children.

Hawkeye couldn't believe what she was hearing. She narrowed her brow, and a sudden anger consumed her. "Are you fucking kidding me!?" blasted from her mouth. "Things are hard and the first thing you do is run away from your commitments? Obviously I never knew you at all if this is who you truly are, Peregrine. I'm so lucky that you're willing to be a great father to the children you helped make."

Many thoughts raced through Hawkeye's head, many words she bit back from saying. Some of them even hurt her thinking them. She wanted to bite his face off, and she didn't know what kept her from doing so. Red began to fill her vision and she contemplated not fighting the crimson from seeping into her mind and turning her into a maniac.

She responded with anger and accusation. Especially because of his current mindset, Peregrine didn't blame her, nor try to argue with her. He took this verbal abuse as his deserved punishment, all the while musing, I've changed so much... Not so long ago, he would've yelled back. What had instilled such tolerance in him? Fatherhood, perhaps? He was rather used to having others scream in his face these days... especially Ty, who was particularly prone to temper tantrums.

"I don't know that we know each other well at all," he agreed sadly. His voice hardening somewhat, he countered calmly, "I'm not running away. I'm still going to run this pack, I'm still going to raise our children and I'm still here for you, even if it's not in the same capacity as before..." He wanted to add something about getting to know each other and trying again, perhaps, but he was afraid of causing more pain if things didn't work out that way. His only intention now was to carry this out while inflicting the least amount of pain possible to Hawkeye and their pups.

"I really am sorry. I wish I didn't feel this way, Hawkeye. I wish I could force it," he finished, "but I can't. And you don't deserve that anyhow." At that, he fell silent, watching her carefully, unaware of the anger building within her, though he certainly suspected it, after her initial outburst.

She felt defeated. Because she birthed his pups and focused on them more than he, he had decided he would leave. "It is infinitely unfair that just because you don't feel hopelessly in love like you did before, that you will just give up and walk away. I am glad you are the type to do so, Peregrine. Maybe giving up is your 'thing'." Her eyes burned with fire, but her voice stayed calm.

She thought of taking the girls and fleeing with them, but realized that it would leave Kisu not necessarily alone, but without the wolf that was trusted with taking care of his pups while they nursed. They almost felt like her own, but Hawkeye didn't want to cross that line. The female was completely stuck and helpless.

Although her words were nasty, he concurred quietly, "It is unfair." He wished he could change his feelings. He could fake them, of course, but that would be a disservice to both of them. "You deserve someone who loves you deeply and wholeheartedly. I'm sorry I can't be that guy anymore." Although she probably didn't see it or believe it, Peregrine was truly sorry.

He didn't disagree with her other remark, though he made no reply to it. Although he currently took the blame mostly upon his own shoulders, he knew he wasn't the only one at fault. Hawkeye had nursed the pups (he would've done so, if he could've) but he wasn't the only one to notice her distance and shortcomings in every other aspect of life, from her relationship to her leadership capabilities. Presently, he didn't feel the need to be mean and point these things out to her.

"I'm going to give you your space, then I'd love to talk again once we've both had some time to process, if you're willing to do that. If not for me, then think of our kids. Whatever happens, let's do whatever makes this least painful for them," were Pegrine's closing words, which hopefully put the selfish thoughts of kidnap and flight out of her mind. He might have been a failure as a mate, yet he was a damn good father, and nothing could or would come between Peregrine and his kids.

Biting back a sigh, Peregrine gave Hawkeye a long, lingering look, then turned and left her.

Hawkeye watched him turn and leave, bitterness slipping its way onto her tongue when she let out a, "I should have chosen your brother," but it was after he was far enough away to be unable to hear her spiteful words.

Though they were in spite, they were probably true. Hawkeye was normally a good judge of character, but was blinded by her attraction to Peregrine. Atticus was the sweet, gentle brother, whereas Peregrine was hard-headed and the bad boy. She had chosen wrong, but had her daughters from that choice.

She had made her bed.