Swiftcurrent Creek I can take the fall: the pain, the pleasure

@Kavik, other tags for reference

She had been lost in her own little world, to absorbed in her own grief to pay much attention to any other than the newborns who were depending on her for sustenance. And of course, they helped her in her denial, but she struggled with the very idea of continuing. The very thought that she would one day be happy and carefree seemed so foreign, so exotic that Rosalie simple stopped believing it would ever happen. How could her life every be normal again? How could she ever move past the pain and the sadness that gripped her heart? She couldn’t. There was no way.

In her limited acknowledgment of the world she found only @Alessia really gave her company. Of course, whenever she woke his scent lingered, and whatever food he had been able to recover for the day was delicately placed within easy reach. But she found his physical presence was almost nonexistent. She never saw him sleep, and they rarely spoke. Both either to occupied by their newest brood, or they simply lacked the words. Not that she had spoken much to anyone except @Morena and @Soter since… well since before.

She hadn’t really seen much of anyone aside from Alessia. Polaris, and Lainie were very distant, and to her shame, Lie admitted she didn’t mind. She couldn’t accept what had happened, what Zephyr had done. Nor their running away after. Lie knew she should feel something; she should feel sad by their departure. She should miss them. She should hope and pray that they returned to her safe. Yet while she did hope they were safe, Lie honestly felt nothing more. Of course, she still loved them both dearly, Helios had done nothing wrong, and even Zephyr was still her daughter. But the very thought of seeing her again brought tears to Lie’s eye and slowly as the days passed her anger grew alongside the sadness.

Today she had taken a break, for even only talking to Alessia caused some social anxiety within the red woman. Having seen her lover trade places with her, wrapping herself around their shared newborns, Lie exited the den. Although she didn’t venture far, in fact she only made it a few feet past the entrance of the den. Finding a sunny spot, she reclined, lying down to bask in the light of the sun. Taking a shaky breath, she closed her eyes and let a few tears peak through. What had the world come to.

He was on his way back to the den, pheasant hanging from his mouth. He had left the den long before the sun came up while everyone was still asleep and repeated his routine: patrol some and the  search outside the territory for his son and daughter. He was going to hunt for something fresh to bring back, but he couldn't focus enough. His search had yet again procured not even the smallest hint of where they could be, and he was trying really hard to keep it together; in order to do that, he needed to keep busy, and hunting just required more focus and mind silence than he could handle right now. So, even though he preferred to bring Rosalie fresh food only, today, he settled for something from one of the caches. 

As he neared the den, the alpha scented her not too far from the entrance. He was surprised; she was usually napping right now, which was why he chose to return with food. It wasn't that he really wanted to avoid her, but talking to her was painful. He was supposed to fix things and have all the answers, and both were impossible for him to do. He had no idea what to do right now; how does a parent deal with the fact that one of his own children killed another one of his children? He saw the despair in her eyes just like he saw it in the eyes of his mate and daughters, and it made him feel helpless. So he had kept busy, not that it had been hard with everything he did every day and searching constantly for his missing children. 

He could keep going and drop the meal off at the den and then return to the borders, but he wanted to check on her and make sure she was okay. He also felt incredibly guilty for being distant. So, he tracked her down to the sunny spot she had chosen to settle in, dropping the bird as he neared. He nuzzled her in greeting before stepping back a little and asking: How are you?

Startled by the approach of another, Lie tried to repress the jump, but failed miserably. Finding only Kavik, she leaned into his touch returning his kind gesture. Although she had no inclination to answer his question, she simply avoided it in a very astute Lie fashion. “I could ask you the same thing.” Although she tried to add the characteristic smirk on the end of her rebuke it failed miserably, and came across much more serious than she had anticipated.

Taking the waiting silence, Lie observed the dark man before her. He looked gaunt, and exhausted. It almost looked as though he slept less than she did, which would be an extraordinary feat considering she hardly slept unless her tears drover her to utter exhaustion. Not only was he tired, but he was thinning, and it was stunningly obvious he was looking out for everyone except himself. “You look terrible.” Was all her eloquent tongue could conjure when faced with the father of her children.

He scowled a little at her words; she shouldn't be worrying about him, and he was aware of the toll his anxiety had taken on his body recently. Maybe somebody should inform his brain of the havoc it was wreaking. He sighed as he took a seat in front of her, his features softening some. I know, he said first, shoulders sagging a little. He hadn't wanted to take time away from anyone else or worry them with his crap, so he had just been internalizing it as usual. I haven't really been able to sleep very much... He closed his eyes, pain filling his expression. I worry about them constantly—out there all alone. His voice faltered a little over the last word. And I worry about how to handle what Zephyr did. And I worry because I apparently can't keep everyone safe. he paused and then quietly added: And, I don't want to burden you or Alessia with any of it. In summary: he was a complete mess. He was dangerously close to fracturing under the suffocating pressure of his grief and anxiety and the pressures of being an alpha on top of everything else. But what could he do? The only answer was to keep trying to manage everything and hope that he could fix things eventually.

She had expected some kind of objection or fight to ensue following her crass statement. However, the young mother was instead met with resignation and acknowledgment. He dropped his worries, sharing his pain and grief with her without hesitation. Which Lie found to be heartwarming despite the sadness of his words.

Turning her seafoam gaze toward her paws, Lie nodded slowly. “If you can’t share your burdens with family, then you can’t share them with anyone.” Her tone was whispered, and she seemed to say them almost to herself, but the sentiment was the same. “Aren’t we your family Kavik?” all of us. Peering back up with a questioning tilt to her head.

“We too are burdened by what has happened. If I had never come along, none of this would have happened. You and Alessia could have lived happy lives, and Zephyr, well Zephyr would still be here at home. Where she belongs.” Glancing quickly back at the den, she briefly wished that she had no children, that she could just up and leave and none would care. However, she was quick to punish herself for the very thought, how could she wish that Soter and Morena were never born? She was a terrible mother, and guilt rose in her chest.

“I worry for them too. Whether they’ve had anything to eat recently? Or if they have a safe place to sleep? I hope every day that this day they will return.” Lie wanted Kavik to know he wasn’t alone in his worries, that even with everything that happened, with what Zephyr did. Lie didn’t wish her harm, she was still her daughter. Although even Lie wasn’t sure how she would react if when Zephyr and Helios eventually returned.

He knew she was right, but it was easier said than done. It was hard enough to open up to her now. He just wanted to shield them from everything, and he couldn't do that if he was falling apart all the time. His eyebrows drew together at her question. Of course you are, he said, nuzzling her cheek. You guys mean more to me than anything. Sometimes, they were the reason he felt any hope at all.

Her next words made anger well in his chest. Don't. He shook his head. Please don't blame yourself for any of this because none of it is your fault. Kavik couldn't bear the thought of her feeling guilty. 

He closed his eyes against the pain that came with imagining his son and daughter out in the world alone and hungry and scared. I'm trying to find them, Rosalie. Every day, I search for them. He opened his eyes, exhaustion and defeat twisting his expression. But—what if I never find them? Desperation clung to his words, the desperation of a father unable to help his children in their time of need no matter how hard he tried. He felt like he had failed them.

There was some relief in his words, leaning into his touch and quietly sweeping her own guilt under the rug to help him deal with his own. She could do that much for him, considering she had wrecked his family.

His broken expression nearly broke her heart, and an unsteady feeling settled in her stomach. Tears sprang to her eyes, “You will.” The conviction in her words startling herself. There was a strength in her voice, driven from desperation. Desperation to believe, believe that they would be alright. All of them.

“We will find them, or they will find us. Either way, I will see them again. And you will too.” As the words finished Lie was already on her feet, and leaning into his bulky frame. “Please Kavik, don’t lose hope.” Lie mumbled into his chest, praying more than conversing.

He closed his eyes, wanting desperately to believe her. The feel of her against his chest had his eyes opening in surprise, but he quickly recovered and leaned into her, resting his head on her shoulder so that he could embrace her. Okay, he whispered. Truthfully, he would never stop searching for them, even if, years from now, he still didn't know where they were. It was hard not to lose hope when every day his searching ended with nothing, but he would do just about anything Rosalie asked, just like he would with Alessia and the children. But, you have to promise the same, he added a second later. She couldn't lose hope either. He ran his nose through her fur, realizing then just how much he needed her affection and reassurance.

It was in moments like these, when Rosalie was most thankful of her wicked heart. The tortures and misdeeds of her time pre-Kavik bleed through in moments when she was most unassured in her original self. When showing her true colors would simply be to cruel and unforgivable.

In all actuality there was no way she could guarantee such a thing. She wasn’t a hopeful person to begin with and now he wanted her to promise to be strong? What was he thinking?

“I can’t promise you that.” Her foreign language slide from her lips so easily. Realizing what she had said, what she had almost said, and bite her tongue.

“I promise.” She corrected, the lie easier to admit than the truth.

The French words weren't missed, but as usual, he didn't know what they meant. But the language was so commonplace in his life, that he didn't even think to ask for a translation. He tightened his embrace, needing the comfort and assuming she needed it just as much. She uttered her own promise then, and he couldn't help but feel just a little more whole, like knowing she was fighting to believe that they would find their missing children restored some little piece of him that had been missing since the day he lost one child to death and two more to the wilds.

He was silent for a few minutes, taking all he could from the moment. But then worry creeped back in, and he leaned back a little and asked: Do you need anything? She was mostly stuck here, caring for Soter and Morena, and he didn't want her to go without anything.

Her refusal settled on her tongue, but the breath required for speech held in her throat. She had becoming so complacent in pleasing others, and letting others hear what they wanted that she almost let her chance get away. She did need something.

He had pulled away and it made it easier to capture his eye, a theatrical tear hovered on her bottom lid. Lie could be sure, who had moved the discussion away from his well-being, but the conversation had made it full circle. Kavik having reiterated his opening question. And with-it righteous indignation spark in her chest, which she covered with her fake tears.

Her manipulation of the man was purely for his own good, and the good of their family, at least that what she told herself to feel better. The feel as if she wasn’t betraying the trust that had been won between them.

“I do need something.” Although months ago her words would have been flung with anger and rage, and perhaps more colourful language would have been thrown; not her words hovered just above a whisper.

“I need you to eat that.” With the flick of her nose, she pointed to the bird he had brought her, which had been discarded until now.

Concern twisted his face as tears began to fall from her eyes. He had only asked what she needed. What about that would cause her to cry? Seeing her tears painfully squeezed his heart, and he nuzzled her cheek, releasing a worried: Rosalie, what's wrong? just before she stated that she needed him to do something for her. He was confused, but he nodded his agreement. He would do almost anything for her, especially if it would cease her tears.

Her request was perplexing, though. You're crying because you want me to eat? he asked, his tone holding only concern. He backed away from her and walked slowly towards the forgotten bird. His gaze moved between Rosalie and the meal a few times before settling on her face. I brought this for you, though, and I'm honestly not very hungry, he explained. He wanted to soothe her obvious upset, but a good part of him balked at the thought of eating the meal he had brought for the nursing mother of his children.

But one sharp look from her made him rethink his argument, and he settled for eating half of the meal and leaving half for Rosalie.