Whitefish River if the men find out we can shapeshift, they’re going to tell the church

This is at the river above the plateau. @Saarthal and @Max, time to move!

After searching the entire plateau for Varinril’s scent, and some neighboring areas, Mallaidh comes to the realization that it’s gone entirely. There’s no sign of scuffle or a single trace that might lead her to think otherwise. The girl was never that far from her to begin with and her absence cut deep. How long can they wait here, anyway? They were never meant to be in the same place for long and the only other downfall is Blixen knows where she is. She hadn’t been ready at the time to see her and she surely isn’t now, too hurt to face anyone—even Saarthal. 

Which is another story entirely. To find out the girl she might like, that confessed to liking her, doesn’t like Mallaidh at all. But they’ve bonded as a group and she can’t leave her behind. 

Mallaidh stares at the ground for a long moment before glancing up at the plateau, uncertain she wants to return. With Varinril gone, it’s just the three of them—until one of them decide to leave too, she supposes—but for now they’re together and she’ll move on with them if they want to go too. Slowly, she points her nose to the sky and calls for her friends.

mallaidh's voice was soothingly familiar as it rang through the air and saarthal, who'd been brooding by the river side - a distance away from their de facto leader- a habit obtained from recent days, gazed upwards with cloudy eyes. it took a moment for the sound to register but when it finally wormed its way into her mind, saarth leapt up to her paws, took one last look around as if to see if anyone was following her and with a flick of her ear, began jogging to where mallaidh was.

it didn't take long for saarthal to arrive and by then, the fog cleared from the quiet fire of her gaze. "mallaidh!" the yearling called, her mouth quirking into a easy grin as she closed the distance between them. she aimed a kiss for mallaidh's cheek with a breathless "hey" as was customary for her to those who'd luckily, or perhaps not so, gained saarthal's affection, sliding perhaps too easily into the other's personal space. she was just...glad to see her. vari's absence had taken the most toll on mallaidh, after all.

For now, it is only Saarthal that approaches. Mallaidh still hasn’t sorted her feelings since that day. Varinril’s absence has been enough of a distraction but now she stands with the ashy girl approaching and Max nowhere to be seen. Pale green eyes search the surrounding area before her companion gets close, closing the space and offering a kiss. Malliadh does not pull away but she does no return the gesture, offering a pained smiled and brushing it off. Absently, she takes a step and waits a few minutes for Max.
 
When it’s apparent it’s going to take their third a little while longer, she turns back to Saarthal. “I think we should move on from the plateau,” she decides, expression rather bland, “find somewhere new, you know.”

for the second time, mallaidh does not return her affections, or appear to even — saarthal withdrew, features twisting into confusion and a flicker of hurt; she didn't understand why. they'd been getting along after that date, right? and her feelings were out in the open, and mallaidh had —. saarth sucked in a breath, stepping away as anxiety rippled through her skin, an uncomfortable crawling sensation. she'd never been good at hiding her feelings. 

"of course!" saarthal agreed a little too eagerly (read:desperately), the urge to please and appease the other girl bursting forth through her veins. "i mean, if that's what you want. i did promise to stick with you," and here, her lip quirked upward to form a crooked half-smile, quietly begging mallaidh to please just -

Mallaidh’s brows knit together as a flicker of pain crosses her friend’s features. One ear twitches back, uncertain, and suddenly aware how expressive she’d been. Quietly, the girl clears her throat and smiles awkwardly as Saarthal chirps her answer. Okay. How are you supposed to act when the girl you like is flirting, actively seeking others?
 
You’re not t—
 
Shush.
 
“I wonder where Max is,” she says, instead. Ugh. Her jaw tightens and she turns her head, motioning with her muzzle for Saarthal to follow. Because this is exactly what she wants! Awkward interactions. At least with Max, they have something else to talk about.

yeah, fuck that. "yeah," saarthal muttered, glancing away, a muscle in her jaw twitching. yeah, she wished max was here. then, at least, she had the chance to flirt excessively and - dude, it probably wouldn't wound her up at all. she doesn't give two shits about you haha she won't get jealous. still. at least there was a choice. mallaidh didn't even seem to want her there. everything about this was weird and awkward and saarthal, for the life of her, couldn't seem to understand why there was this sudden change.

silently, saarthal followed, staying just slightly behind the other girl - and then approximately a second later, she had enough of it. it was unbearable. she couldn't endure this awkwardness for another second. "if you want me to go, you know, you can just tell me," she stopped in her tracks, trying to mask hurt behind a facade of anger but failing miserably. in the end, with her ears sliding back against her skull, muscles tense and twitching facial muscles, she just looked hurt. and confused. really fucking confused. "why're you..?" saarthal trailed off painfully, "what's wrong? i mean, i know vari -but.." saarthal scowled and looked down. fuck, she hated this. fucking feelings. this was so fucking stupid. ugh.

Only a few moments of awkward silence is all it takes before one of them speaks up. Mallaidh spends a great deal tight lipped, biting back questions she wants answers to. Saarthal speaks up first and she almost releases a long sigh of relief. It doesn’t make the situation any less awkward but she doesn’t have to be the first one to speak. Finding out what Saarthal thinks and needs to know will make it easier to keep what she wants to herself.
 
“I’m worry this is the wrong decision. What if Varinril is lost? Or hurt? Or worse?” she blurts, shedding her anxiety in a different, common outlet, no matter how much of a deflection she uses it for. “We leave and she comes back, somehow, and we’re not here. It’s not like I can leave a sign that tells her where we are,” she says. It isn’t the first time it has come to mind but they don’t exactly have passing grades in literature and writing classes.
 
Mallaidh is quiet a moment, looking down as they continue to walk. Max still on the loose. “I’m not used to having… I’m used to someone else just... I don’t know what I’m doing.”

saarthal was torn between growling in frustration, squeezing the shit out of mallaidh whilst disguising the act as a hug or just - ugh. this suppression of issues was not doing her health any good whatsoever. "you don't know that," saarth said instead, increasing her pace a little bit so the two of them were walking side by side. "the chances of her being completely fine are just the same as her being hurt or whatever. right now, you don't know anything, and frankly, you can't know anything. there's no way for you to find out for sure what happened, not right now at least. and if there's no way you can, then dwelling on those thoughts are useless and helps nobody," she glanced over at mallaidh and exhaled sharply, "varinril wouldn't want that."

wow. she was having rather contradictive urges as her eyes settled on her companion's now familiar form. on one hand, she very much felt that this was not the root of the problem, what so fucking ever and thus was suppressing the idea to strangle mallaidh out of sheer exasperation and built up nerves, and on the other hand? she was looking very kissable. and. yeah. cute. "then let me help," saarthal grounded out, a slip of frustration evident in her tone and the scrunch of her nose, "no one ever said you had to do this alone. if you just let me help, and tell me what i did wrong and stuff, if you can, so i'd know why you're mad at me...just - i can lead too, i was taught just -i can help."

Saarthal offers reassuring words—you don’t know that—and she droops her gaze, staring at the ground as she’s lectured of what is clearly the obvious solution. Though her excuse had been meant to hide the true reason for the awkwardness, it is still a concern she has.

What if, what if, what if…

She licks her lips and frowns, forcing her gaze up as her friend offers her help in a different way. Mallaidh shakes her head and swallows the lump in her throat, inhaling a deep breath and trying to brush it off as best she can. She’s meant for great things, her mother said, fit for a crown. Varinril put her trust in her to keep her, all of them, safe, and she’s clearly failed.

“I’m not mad at you,” she insists. Is she? She doesn’t have the answer for it herself but knows it’s not exact. And if Saarthal knows something’s up, does she know she’d there? And if not, how is she to respond? Is this how Blixen felt? Her stomach churns as it lashes, ugly and hungry, but she closes her eyes and takes a step close so her nose bumps against the other and turning back, pausing when she catches a glimpse of @Max in the distance. She doesn’t move to retrieve her, and refocuses her attention on Saarthal. “Sometimes I get really dizzy and I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest. Everything feels out of control and I… just feel like it’s coming. I wake up worried. I go to sleep worried. I…” she swallows again, with difficulty this time, and slumps back to her rear.

ahhh so sorry for the super late reply !!

saarthal didn't even try to conceal it anymore. she rolled her eyes, lips twisting into some derisive grimace. "so you say," the roman gritted her teeth, but was abruptly cut off by mallaidh's sudden touch and the almost panicked way the words spilled from her mouth. saarth took a deep breath, collecting herself and her wayward emotions. nobody needed one of her infamous temper tantrums right now. 

"you can't control anything...okay, well, most things, at least. losing control is scary but - this is not something you can control, mallaidh. wolves are, in the end, their own creatures, with their own minds and - i don't know, sometimes, you can't even control yourself so-" saarthal shrugged helplessly. nothing she was saying seemed to be making any sense, or helping the situation. "i don't know."

i'm really fucking tired. "what's 'it'? what's coming?"

No worries! <3 I'm gonna wrap this up and start us a new one?

Saarthal offers… something resembling comforting words but she can feel accusation. Blixen did the same thing. Her jaws tightened, trying to wipe the thought from her mind while a whole other jumped of trying to explain herself comes to mind. She is barely able to piece it together herself in her mind, let alone words to describe the meaning.
 
Instantly, her chest swells and she struggles to catch her breath. Her heart beats heavy in her chest and she slumps back even further. How do you describe the weight of dread on your chest in the morning, the moment you first open your eyes? And spend all day waiting, waiting, waiting and it never comes and you go to sleep feeling just as lost as you were that morning.
 
Before she has a chance to really get her thoughts to words, Max pops up almost out of nowhere. Mallaidh jerks to a start and blinks several times, clearing the intrusion from her face. Her heart to beats heavily and she nods when the girl speaks, as if she can hear every word. Grateful Max has broken up the tension, Mallaidh shakes herself and gets up, giving them a chance to talk things over that Do Not Involve Feelings.