Wild Berry Meadow sloe-eyed demon

the magnitude of dante's decision had come to roost uncomfortably betwixt lasher's shoulders. how would he keep the pack strong? hale? he had not led before in such a capacity. leaving behind the borders, the beta set a slow stroll for himself, his mind traveling to thoughts of tasking casmir with the exploration to the north. undoubtedly constantine would be jealous, and perhaps even eilidh, despite her satiation at remaining home. but out of the young trio, the youngest boy had proven his desire to be in tandem with that of the leadership.

the meadow had not been spared the wrath of the earlier storm, but the area, fragrant with late-ripening berries, had fared better than most of those affected. taltos moved quietly though the afternoon light, stopping to inspect a full-fruited shrub from time to time, though his appetite was not piqued.

is it okay to say this is set after the pan x perry thread?

After his talk with Peregrine, Pantaleimon had cut the border patrol short, since he found himself a crumbling mess anyway. Unlike what he exuded, crying or showing his emotions on a broad scale was something that didn't come easy to Pan. His mother would tell him to stop crying when he was young, and as a Consort it had generally been disapproved upon. Desperately searching for Oreithyia's approval, Pan had always fought his emotions fiercely in the first years of his life. Pan felt like he was bursting at the seams as he wandered through bramblepoint, eventually breaking into open fields again. He felt like he was bursting, but couldn't get whatever needed out to get out.

Emotions soared through Pantaleimon's head as he started to make his way towards the ocean, not knowing where else to turn. It'd been some time since he'd seen Reek; maybe he would visit after seeing the ocean. For now, though, it felt like all walls were closing in on Pan, and the only thing that could give him release was standing by the ocean shore, allowing the salty water to engulf him; to be one with Mother Sea, and to feel like a siren.

The fragrant scent of ripe berries met Pan's nose, but he did not pause to sniff it. He just kept walking through the meadow, not knowing what to do with himself, and he didn't even notice there was someone else close to him.

yes, of course!

it was not long before he was joined by another, a young creature who walked with both aimlessness and purpose through the field of berries. too far to take the other's scent, lasher noted anyway the brief sense of melancholy he retrieved from the pale wolf's demeanour.

and so he approached, giving a low chuff. he found himself in want of company; perhaps the pale man would feel the same, and he waited to be addressed, though he would not have been offended if the other did not wish to remain here.

The chuff caught Pantaleimon off guard, and he startled visibly as he looked at the stranger. There was no threat in the stranger's demeanor however, so Pan relaxed slightly and cast the other an apologetic glance. "Sorry, I..." Pan grimaced uncomfortably. His face was vivid with emotions that filled Pan to the brim and threatened to spill over the edge. "Just lost in thoughts, I guess."

Pan looked about, as though looking if there was anyone in the other's company, if he was disturbing anything. If so, he would be sure to make himself scarce quickly and drown in his emotions and thoughts elseplace.

the man disturbed nothing but the serenity of the place; encouraged by the soft words and unsure demeanour, which veiled no threat, lasher stepped forward a pace to take the other's scent. the caldera. his own features filled with a vague resentment that flitted away as soon as it had come, replaced by a sort of cool curiosity. "the storm did not withhold its wrath from this place, but still it blooms confidently among its own ruins," the druid murmured, transported to the remembrance of that desolated castle upon the mount where he had been born.

shaking himself from his reverie, taltos cast a small smile at his troubled companion. "i am sorry. i shall go if you wish to be alone," he added, beginning to continue his amble past the other wolf.

"Err, I'm sorry?" Pantaleimon mumbled in reply to the stranger's murmur. The words were spoken softly because Pantaleimon was not sure if he were perhaps just talking to himself, rather than sharing information he wished for Pan to know. The other wolf offered to leave, which caused Pan to shout a quick: "No!"

It wasn't that he did not want to be alone, but somehow Pantaleimon felt as though he was chasing the wolf from the berry patch with his awkwardness, and that was the last thing he wanted. "I mean, you don't have to leave." Pantaleimon awkwardly looked away, feeling like a right idiot. The only comfort of the situation was that the wolf's scent didn't come familiar to Pan, which hopefully meant that no one Pan knew would hear of this story.

he halted, a little confused by the other's outburst, but the unsurety smoothed from his brow as the other clarified. "i do not wish to intrude," he murmured gently, preening his ears forward as he spoke. the other's agitated countenance worried a deeper part of himself, and so taltos drew himself up somewhat, and offered a shy sway of his lowered plume.

"do you wish for company?" he inquired, drawn by the inexplicable sense of delicacy that surrounded the pallid man. having maintained the role of counsellor in his own pack, lasher felt that he could be of help, but did not wish to press the other. removing his attention from the caldera wolf for a moment, the beta stepped to inhale the fragrance of a blackberry bush.

Pantaleimon felt pretty terrible; he imagined he had to look like an idiot to the other wolf. However, all of this was overshadowed by the fact he did not know what things would be like if he were to return home. He knew what he wanted, but he didn't think that Perry would have any of it, anyway, and so in lack of an answer that would satisfy everyone, Pan remained adrift.

He shook his head, timing it poorly just as the other wolf asked if he wished for company. "I'm sorry for being so weird, I... I'm not very good at this sort of stuff." Whatever 'this sort of stuff' even was. "I don't... know... I mean — I don't know what I want. Is that weird?" Pan knew the answer to the question, because he knew that everything about him was weird, but he decided not to wordvomit all over his previous chattering, as in his experience that rarely made things better.

the younger of the two was terribly confused, and lasher was quiet as he spoke, stammering over his words as if he were afraid they would sweep out despite his efforts to chain them back. he gazed at the redhawk wolf for a long moment, then swept his ears back against his skull briefly and settled himself before the pallid creature. "i know you not, and you know nothing of me," the druid said softly, meeting the moon-gilded eyes of his companion, "but i am not so obtuse that i cannot see when a creature is in need of a listening ear."

he fell quiet then, the implication that he was said ear hanging between himself and the pensive creature. if it was not accepted, he would bid the other adieu, and leave him to gather his thoughts in relative peace.

Pantaleimon wasn't sure what to make of this wolf, who seemed a little... odd. Then again, he wasn't really one to speak about oddness. Was he in need of a listening ear, though? Pan mostly just wished for his feelings to go away in some way or another, but he wasn't sure if talking about them would help at all. He'd never really done talking about emotions much, anyway... Not before he met Perry.

"Oh, I... I dunno. It's just — I love someone, and I think they... stopped loving me. Or... maybe just never loved me as much as I did them." This was something Pan had always known and accepted — that he came second — and so it was a slap in the face that even being second wasn't good enough anymore. "He's everything to me..." Pan murmured, and he looked away, at the berries, unable to say such a thing and face himself — let alone anyone else — for what sort of wretch was he to love someone, to revolve their whole life around someone, who would never consider him a full partner, a mate, his only mate.

lasher did not wish to skip to conclusions, but the scent of the caldera wound tightly through the man's fur, coupled with his vague and saddening words -- it set the druid to wondering. however, refusing to assume a stance on such an elusive basis, lasher set his mind to creating a reply. "is loving him worth the pain in your heart?" the man inquired gently.

his love of the witches had inspired severe agony in his heart over the years, but it had also hardened his resolve to adore them for their fault, rather than in spite of them. while the pain had been breathtaking at times -- deirdre, sweet deirdre -- taltos had not lost that force of will. perhaps this young man could do the same; use the sting of love to create a determination within himself.

Without thinking, Pan's immediate response was: "Yes!" However, sadness fell over his face again as he thought of the things that Peregrine had said. "But... If he doesn't... I mean — I guess I just want hi—them for myself." And he'd never want that, because he loves Fox first, and me second. Pan had never before considered that he was secondly loved. He'd always thought of it more as an equal thing, where Perry simply loved Fox and Pan both. There was no need for a ranking order among them. Now it became painstakingly clear there was such an order.

"It's complicated, I guess..." Pan let out a soft sigh as he realised it wasn't even that complicated. It was just a matter of whether he could live being second to everything in Perry's life or not. This made him come to another realisation. "I just don't know if I... I mean, it's better to-to be close to someone you love than to be alone." And maybe that was what it all came down to in the end for Pan: He was afraid of being alone, afraid he would never find someone like Perry again.

the details were not his for which to ask, but lasher could not help but feel that knowing such things would help him in his aid of the pale wolf. yet he closed his lips on that point, only giving a single shake of his head in answer to the other's claim. "being alone is beneficial in many ways. in my mind it is better to be alone and cognizant of oneself than to remain where your love is not returned."

hypocrisy at its highest, as taltos had lingered close to julien through the thrown objects, the abuse, the cursing of his very soul. but the earthen servant had always known the witch had loved him, despite the scalding words that poured from his mouth. this wolf did not even have that.

The words hurt, and Pantaleimon looked away in silence. Perry had said that he loved Pan, but also that he could not be with Pan all the time; that he would have eye only for Fox and the pups. And that those pups would never be Pan's. Not even for a little bit. He could've chosen to phrase things differently, or to name Pan godfather, if not their real mother or father. He said he loved Pan, but it felt like that love wasn't strong enough to nudge Pan into a comfortable corner of his life.

"He said he loves me," Pan said, suddenly finding his words to be on the defensive side. "But that he won't have time when his pups come. They're from another woman." Pantaleimon didn't even realise how weird that had to sound to others, or any of the slip of tongues. Saying these words hurt, because Pan wanted Perry to be all his, but all of the things Perry, or any male really, wanted; Pan could not give to him... or to himself.

the more that the man spoke, the deeper lasher's wonderings grew. the pale wolf described the same sort of selfish behaviour that peregrine had exhibited since his mateship to fox, and the druid bit back a snarl that the devil had seemed to have hurt this man as well. yet he spoke not the panther's name, nor the fireflame. "my mate bore me children, and i have other lovers. children take time, yes, especially in the formative months, but it is not a reason to neglect those you profess to love."

his mouth twisted briefly into a frown, but it smoothed from his features after a moment. "he may very well love you, but be unable to show it in a manner fitting your needs," the man hedged uncertainly. peregrine was selfish, and if it was he of which the pallid creature spoke, taltos knew that this was not so.

"what will you do?" he inquired after a moment. if the other wished to leave the caldera, lasher saw the opportunity for recruitment, and to welcome the young man into a pack where he would be appreciated. but he also knew well the confusion and pain of love, and so he would not press. his mind wondered then at his companion's wording -- other woman, though he himself was male -- but again, taltos did not question.

Pantaleimon was surprised when his companion said that he had a mate and puppies, but other lovers, too. "Oh," he said, sounding a little awkward, but mostly as though he had not expected this. Pan knew little of love — for the Nereides had their own ways of producing pups and he knew from experience it involved little love; other forms of relations Pan had never seen among them — but he always thought that traditional love meant a male and a female came together in mateship and had pups. He didn't know having other lovers was such a common thing.

Pan wasn't really sure if it was that Perry just didn't know how to show his love. The question what he wanted to do came very soon for Pan, who looked startled. "I... don't know. I mean, I — he said he thought it - it'd be better for me to be alone, not because he doesn't love me. I... But what if h-he's just trying to uhm, get rid of me..?" Saying those words hurt, not so much because they might be true but mostly because Pantaleimon felt like a terrible traitor for even thinking them. "He said that it wasn't that... He — that he just wanted me to be happy and - and have pups of my own. I guess I just... sort of thought their pups..." Pan bit his lip, his eyes watery as he tried to hold back his feels. "would be s-sort of mine, too..." Pan didn't understand why they couldn't share, why he couldn't be the pups', well... something. He didn't care if he came second, but he just wanted to be involved in their lives, since he was also so involved in Perry's life.

The question of what he was going to do remained unanswered, lingering on Pan's mind alone. Pantaleimon considered finding Reek, but would his mate even like him? And the thought alone seemed so traitorous, for Pan was loyal to the Caldera and wanted to stay there forever. The thought of looking Perry and Fox and their perfect family seemed too difficult to bear though, so if they were to split up, Pan didn't know if he could stay at the Caldera.

"there is an idea that states that if you love someone, you must set it free. perhaps this is what he intends to do; by offering you freedom, even if you do not wish it, you will be free to move past him. it may be that he is proffering such to assuage his own guilt." no longer could lasher hold back his question, for the saltwater hovering in the younger wolf's eyes tore at his heart, but he reserved it to ask in the span of another moment or two.

"i am sorry for the way you have been hurt. to be shoved aside by one who claims to love you is one of the greatest agonies that can pierce one's soul." lasher wished to comfort the snowy creature, but the vulnerability surrounding his companion must not be breached. "i wonder, and forgive my forwardness, if this man of whom you speak is peregrine?"

Pantaleimon looked uncertain as his companion spoke, feeling weird and finding it hard to take it all in. He just didn't understand why letting someone you loved go was, well, a thing at all. In Pan's mind, there was only to love or not to love, not some sort of division of things that deserved your love, not the putting labels onto those wolves — just as Pan had never considered what he'd be to the pups. He figured he'd see how it would go, how they would see him. Suddenly he found himself wondering if that was what Peregrine was afraid of, for the pups to see him as too much. But he could only guess.

Thinking about it, Pan grinded his teeth, feeling new emotion well up, but he kept it down, displayed only in the watery depths of his eyes, the pools into his soul. When his companion asked if he spoke of Peregrine, Pantaleimon looked startled. He hadn't expected whoever he spoke to to know Perry, and suddenly find himself fearful Perry might hear of this, or worse, that the man's sympathy was a joke of some sort. "Y-yes," he murmured, his heart thudding in his chest as he answered and dearly hoped none of his assumptions to be true.

the younger wolf confirmed the name, and lasher was immediately awash with multiple emotions, though anger took forefront in his mind. though the druid would never admit it unto himself, some small part of his soul loved peregrine still, but he utterly refused to forgive the panther his dire transgression. he thought back to how peregrine had once apologized for using him -- but it seemed that had been a lie, for here stood another of his victims, thoroughly mad with love for the unfeeling spectre that peregrine had become.

"i was his first male lover," taltos revealed to his companion, a sudden wave of mental exhaustion compelling him to drop to his haunches. "i loved him with all of my heart. he met fox, and i felt i could grow to love her also. he was leader of blacktail deer plateau then, but abandoned us abruptly, with only a moment to say that he was departing. i had followed them, but fox's demeanour and selfishness turned me aside. in truth, peregrine chose her over all."

murkwater eyes tinged in sorrow met those of the pallid wolf. "she has a rein upon his heart that no creature can break. he abandoned hearth, home, and his half-grown children when they needed him most, all for the loins of that vile creature, and i believe he will always place her foremost."

"i cannot say what you must do, but know that it is unlikely peregrine will change his mind. whatever darkness drives him now is a selfish spectre -- fox and her spawn are all that truly matter unto him." in part, lasher fed his own bitterness into the words, but he did not lie -- peregrine had proved the claims, even murdering his own kith when fox decreed.

Pantaleimon listened on shaking limbs to his companion's story. It did not put Perry in a positive place, but at the same time Pan wondered how much of it was true and how much a reflection of the wolf's feelings. There were always two sides of each story, after all. Maybe Pan just wasn't ready to let go of Perry yet, and he'd do anything to keep him nearby; even lie to himself. Fox seemed the biggest problem in the story; Pantaleimon knew that. He didn't know Fox all that well, not as well as he'd like, and at times it felt as though he didn't even exist to Fox, as if she didn't care at all. As an emotional lover of her mate, Pantaleimon wished she'd show some more love to him too, in some way at least. But Fox was here to stay, and Pan knew that. That bit wasn't likely to change. And anyway, Perry needed her for puppies too.

Watery eyes looked at his companion, the uncertainty of what to do clear inside of them. Lips parted and quivered, but it took a second or five for Pantaleimon to find and get out any words. "Thank you." Pantaleimon felt numb as he said the words, not sure what else to say. Regardless of whether the story was true or not, he had shared it, and for that Pan was thankful. "I don't know what to do." Pantaleimon looked away, and realised that this problem wasn't the other wolf's — it was his and his alone. "I need to th-think, I guess." Though the problem had been mulled over in Pantaleimon's head over and over already and no solution had been presented so far. What would change now? It only made things more difficult.

"whatever you may choose, put yourself first," lasher murmured, satisfied that the boy had listened, though he was unsure if his words would be heeded. and yet some part of him wondered if he had said too much, and a brief chagrin flared in his belly. yet he thrust it aside; these things must be said. peregrine could not continue to hurt those around him without consequence, and the bitterness returned, along with the petty desire that the pallid wolf abandon the caldera and seek his own way, leaving the devil behind.

"the plateau is ironically much more familial since peregrine's departure. do not feel unsure of yourself if you step our direction," the druid added with a little smile. "i shall leave you now to your thoughts," he murmured, and moved past the other with a determined step, though he cast one last affable glance behind himself.

Pantaleimon didn't really know how to put himself first, never having learned such things; his past was full of servitude, and it felt as though it was Perry who had given him his freedom. He frowned at the thought of leaving Peregrine behind. Maybe they just needed a good talk. Maybe he'd changed since the time he had been involved with this guy. Besides, Perry had been pretty cool about the whole gender soup, and Pan wasn't so sure he'd ever find anyone else as sweet as Perry anyway. Thoughts gushed through Pantaleimon's head and he couldn't make sense of them much.

"Wait!" Pan hurriedly exclaimed when the other wolf turned to leave. "I never got your name. I'm Pantaleimon, uhm... or Pan." He didn't respond to the invitation of Blacktail Deer Plateau, though mostly because the departure had been overshadowed by Pan's own thoughts and now it suddenly seemed time for the other to leave.

he was surprised when the other stopped him, but cupped his ears forward to catch the syllables of the other's name. "pantaleimon," the druid murmured, running the odd but pleasing sound over his tongue. "i am lasher, also called taltos. i will answer to either name." he met the troubled eyes of the pallid creature, and his heart softened further. "there is a warren of rabbits not far from where we now stand," he revealed gently. "perhaps you could aid me in a hunt? you are some distance from the caldera; a meal will make your trek back more energetic."

in silence he gave a single sway of his plume, awaiting the other's response, his stance inviting pan to speak, and relaxed to imply he was in no hurry to leave the other among the berry-bushes.

Pantaleimon mapped the name to mind. He wasn't sure he believed — or wanted to believe, perhaps — that Lasher's words were the full truth through the presently throbbing painful love for Perry that beat inside his heart, but he would keep them in mind. Pan looked surprised when Lasher began to speak of rabbits, offering him a hunt and a meal before he would return to the Caldera. After a few seconds of hesitation, Pan agreed with a nod of his head. "Yes, okay." Hunting would get his mind off the heavy subjects that they had breeched, and so he thankfully accepted the offer and waited for Lasher to lead the way, for he knew better where to head to reach the warren he'd mentioned.

he led the pale creature toward the warren, crouching in the taller grasses as he caught sight of one of the does. she was a piebald creature with raised ears, and she lifted herself on hindlegs with watchful eyes as the half-grown kits played about her. while a male was sure to be nearby, lasher doubted that his aggression would persuade the wolves from their quarry.

with a burst of speed, taltos leapt from his stance at the female. she had but a moment to give a scream of agonized warning before he put her to death -- all about them rabbits streaked toward the warren, in front of which the druid stood. pan was welcome to take the prey of his choice, provided he could seize one of the frenzied, frightened beasts.