Heron Lake Plateau Long in the tooth but harmless as can be

For a wolf who had, for the most part, managed to avoid most of the drama surrounding the Redhawks, the past couple of weeks had given Colt a hell of a lot to think about.

Namely? Niamh.

She was a beauty, in a grounded way, and hit a lot of points when it came to Colt's type.  She brought to mind Nell even more than Raven had; but that was the problem right? She didn't have the edge, that challenging side, at least right now.  But he'd seen it the first time they met; she hadn't been afraid to call him on his shit then, and he hadn't minded that.

He knew she would want him not to dwell, but that didn't stop the memories from stopping him short.  She'd turned his world upside down, and then she was gone, and now he couldn't feel that without thinking of her.  It felt... unfair? To the girl.  Her age didn't give him pause... he knew on some level he had a few good years left, and if she didn't mind, neither did he.  But it felt wrong to lead her on if he wasn't past his shit, and that guilt was what prevented him from returning her gestures with the ardor she'd begun to show him.

Was it weird he wanted to... talk to someone about it? Bounce ideas, shoot the shit, see if he was crazy to be worried.  And hope that they said yeah, he was crazy, fuckin go for it dude.  Because validation would mean he wasn't that same  shitty guy he used to be, chasing a girl when his heart wasn't in it.  Least not completely - not yet.

He continued on the border, almost too caught up to properly patrol, mind clearly on everything but the line he walked.

Quixote was slowly drifting back towards something he'd call normal.  There were still a few things troubling him, but for much of the day he could push them aside and deal with more ordinary things, like trying to get back into good routines with the pups here and Raven pretty much healed.  Really, the things that were keeping him off-kilter weren't so bad any more, thankfully -- or maybe just impossible to change at this point.  It didn't really matter.

The fact that he felt totally freakin' useless dealing with the newborns had actually made him go back on patrol sooner than he thought he would have, and that was part of the reason he found himself wandering along a section that he had checked... Was it still under 24 hours ago?  Probably. 

He wasn't alone out today, as Quixote was quickly catching up on a brown smear of a wolf that kept appearing in his field of vision just a turn or a clump of trees ahead of him.  Since this was all sort of just a follow-up check to Qui, he was moving at a much faster clip, and would easily come into a comfortable range for him to shout to Colt to wait a minute.  Though even from just a cursory glance, it seemed like this time it was Colt's turn to be caught up in his own head -- didn't look like he was inspecting any of the scent marks at least, more just walking along the slightly worn path the patrols had carved.  Amusing how that went.  Hey, hold up!  he called, picking up his pace to close the distance that much faster.

When Quixote spoke, it took a minute to register, and when it did he stopped to abruptly look back.  "Shit, hey! Sorry."  He hoped that was the first time Qui called out for him to stop.

Well here was an opportunity to talk, only question was, did he want to? Qui was his friend definitely but he wasn't much the sharing type, and some of what was on Colt's mind was deep shit, stuff he hadn't much brought up with anyone yet.  But Quixote was probably his best bet at the words not getting back to Niamh, and that alone sold him.  Hopefully he'd gotten enough of his own sorted since last time they talked to hear a thing or two and comment.

He waited until Quixote was close enough, then sighed.  "Hey, I was actually wondering - you got a minute?"

Okay, so Colt wasn't completely lost in his own thoughts.  Though Quixote had been about to call out again, he'd finally reacted.  Would have been totally awkward if he'd managed to catch up the whole way unnoticed.  Then again, maybe it would have been fun to nag Colt about.  Maybe next time.  Qui wasn't the most joyful dude around, so the mild amusement was probably about as good as anyone'd get from him without doing something totally absurd.  It also probably meant he was doing pretty ok, at least compared to last time they met when he was very obviously stressed out to hell.

But a sigh?  That was supposed to be his line.  Yeah.  I was checked this part of the border yesterday, so whatever's on your mind..?  He didn't know if Colt had meant it as if he wanted to go on some adventure, or just a bit more conversation... Or, well, what.  After all, there was a promised adventure to.. It was the forest south of here, right?

Quixote seemed more open to talking than last time at least, which was fortunate.  With as much as Colt hated to talk about his own problems, he'd have used any excuse not to.  But this was important, and if his friend was willin, he could use an ear.

"Alright, but... don't tell anyone alright?  Well, you can tell Raven.  So long as she's good keepin it on the downlow."  He didn't want Towhee or anyone catching wind, mainly because he didn't want it getting back to Niamh.  It wasn't her fault he didn't have his own shit together and he didn't want her knowing just yet, since he hadn't decided what he wanted to do.

"It's about a girl.  I just, I dunno.  She seems pretty into me, which is cool, but I'm not sure I'm good to go down that road right now.  It doesn't seem fair.  To her."  Fuck.  Quixote had been the one he'd talked big game to recently about pickin up some chicks, but now he was basically reneging and losing some of that cred.  He wouldn't mind if Qui gave him a little shit... so long as he stuck around to give some advice too.

Top secret stuff, eh?  Uh, okay.  Whether or not he told Raven about whatever it was depending on what it, well, was.  Most stuff it didn't matter, he shared things with her because why not?  But if it was supposed to be kind of secret or whatever, if it wasn't something important-ish, no point in doing so.

That made him even more confused.  All the fuss about there not being enough women in the pack and now that Colt had a good option, from the sound of things, now he wasn't sure?  Well, of course Qui had to jab at him a little, Ehh?  What do you mean? Suddenly getting cold feet now that it's not just family and dudes?  Unless he meant someone out of the pack.  There still weren't a ton of options -- Towhee, Niamh, and the two that came with the pups -- but the fact there were some rather than basically none made him less likely to jump to conclusions.

He smiled a little at Quixote's comment, not denying it.  Yeah, that was about right.  Honestly... he'd kinda expected it to stay the way it was.  He'd jokingly commiserated about the lack of non-family options before, but he'd expected to spend the rest of his years playing uncle, brother, packmate, and everything but romance.  Niamh had come out of nowhere.

He supposed he should probably start with explaining why, since Quixote seemed pretty confused by the switchup.  He woulda talked about it a while ago, but he hadn't really had a reason to.  "A couple years back, I met a girl.  Name was Nell, which she said wasn't short for anything, but, well.  Bein from my family, I'd give her shit about it constantly."  He'd come up with some pretty good alternatives, and it became a sort of game.  "And bro, she flipped everything.  Suddenly I wasn't roamin, and I started thinkin about kids.  Kids.  Before her, I'd barely stuck around a girl long enough to know her name before.  So definitely never that shit."  He looked down.  "She was gone before we could make good on it though.  Bout a year ago.  I don't think it was karma, she was too good for any of my past shit to touch her.  But I just... I see a girl, and I can't get Nell outta my head.  A guy like me can't be that happy once, let alone twice.  Right?"

Finally he looked back up at Quixote, and as if realizing how heavy what he'd just asked was, smiled apologetically and shrugged.  "If you don't got any advice that's alright.  It's my own damn fault for bein so likeable, really."  The joke didn't quite reach his eyes, but it helped some.

How did this get so long? >_>

So there was a whole side of Colt that he'd kept to himself, huh.  Obviously Qui wasn't really one to pry -- history was just history unless it could keep someone else from screwing up the same way -- but he'd definitely listen attentively when someone else felt like spilling some beans.  But that didn't stop him from making a somewhat barbed quip about Colt's worries, If you just accept it like that and walk away, yeah, won't happen again.  But that was it in that tone, back to something more normal since this was something Qui had Opinions™ about, Might just be my history, but I always saw that idyllic stuff as something you were gonna have to fight for, one way or another -- and you still might not win.  Then again, I'm probably not so likable to start with, a brief wry smile at that. If things had gone differently when Ray told Towhee... Well, probably was gonna mess things up more but I was expecting to have to rip up someone for the right, and I would've, no holds barred.  It still kind of threw him for a loop that it hadn't happened.  He'd been pretty passively bending to whatever will the leadership had to stay securely in a pack, but he had his limits and most of them were along the line of preventing him from having what he thought he couldn't.  Maybe all the later problems were just payback for fate initially being so kind to him, but honestly he would have preferred it to go to expectations.

On the other hand, if Colt had said something before, maybe back when they last talked Quixote would've tried to control his feelings a bit better.  He'd pretty much just assumed that nobody was going to understand his fears, really.  Instead, unless he was misunderstanding, Colt had lived through his fears.  And had just... Not said anything.  Quixote grasped for straws, trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to, Look, I know just 'almost' messed me up pretty well.  I can't imagine how awful that must have been.  And just... Uh.  Yeah.  Loop back to that?  He was not good with that kind of thing.  If whatever trauma from that was causing the problem, then obviously there was the major hurdle.  If it turned out Colt didn't really want to go through with relationship stuff ever again, then that was a different thing entirely.  But either way, it'd give Qui a few moments to try to think of something a bit better worded.

Awkward pause. Regardless of what happened and the chick involved..  If you've got that chance for stuff to go right this time and to settle down, have kids, blah blah, is it something you want?  'Cause I think that's more the issue, since you'e got like six months to figure things out and work through the baggage and the details or whatever before the season hits again.  Quixote had been very keenly aware of nature's clock and had been for the most part pretty awful at actually taking advantage of it.  Yeah, it probably would have been good for the now-alpha pair to have had a bit more time to actually get to know each other better before having kids, but all things considered they seemed to fortunately be a pretty good match.

Qui's comment didn't go over entirely well.  Colt took a small step back at the tone, and his ears pinned back, though he refrained from saying anything else.  What the fuck did Qui know about it, then?  He'd just spilled his fuckin guts to his friend and that was the reaction he got?  Humor he could do.  Confusion he could do.  Irritation he hadn't been expecting, and while he listened to the rest of what he had to say, it cemented the fact that maybe coming to him had been a mistake.

When he brought it back to his situation with Raven again, Colt frowned, and he shook his head.  He was comin back to that, because he was frustrated, and last time he'd watched what he said.  This time he wasn't.  There wasn't frustration in his voice as he said it, though - just an edge of regret.

"Loop back now.  Because I tell you what - you can't let 'almost' screw you up like that.  When the time comes, you won't be able to do shit but watch it, and after, all your gonna have is now.  This.  And if you spend it worrying about 'almost', your gonna be shit outta luck."  He shook his head.  If Quixote got mad at him for that, that was his prerogative.

"It isn't as simple as what you say, but maybe now isn't a good time.  Sorry for bothering you with it."  He said, somewhat quietly, and made to walk off.  He'd sort it out himself, maybe.  He could try taking his own advice, enjoying it while it lasted and all that.  But still, he couldn't help the feeling that it wasn't fair to her, doin the dance when his heart was stuck on something gone.

There were reasons Quixote probably wasn't the most popular wolf around.  He'd speak before thinking, and in ways that he obviously didn't mind but rankled others far more.  He didn't really mean to be mean about it, after all, he thought he was being perfectly clear.  That didn't stop it from being occasionally frustrating and confusing for why it seemed like people overreacted to him being blunt.  The positive about him being a jerk?  Well, he could usually take the same punishment, so Colt's words didn't anger him at all.

He was not the wolf to go to for sympathy.  Solutions, sure, but he was awful with anything involving feelings or how to deal with them.  Quixote's response did sound kind of frustrated, but not malicious.  He still wanted to help somehow, Yeah, I got issues I gotta deal with sometime, that isn't anything new.  But I wasn't the one asking for help right now.  Mine are for me to deal with on my own time.  Or, you know, not.  Because he wasn't the sort of guy to bring them up unless he had to.  He hadn't really revisited the attack after that night, let alone the stillborn pups -- he just shoved it all into a box somewhere and pretended it didn't happen.  He should talk about it, but he didn't.

He followed a few steps after Colt, But hey, look man.  I'm the first to say I'm not the one to talk to whatever went down with her is the thing stopping you. It wasn't like Colt had given him a clue whether or not that was the problem, but that had been his suggestion if that wasn't the case. That's more where Raven's got her magic.  He stopped, then.  If Colt was just gonna walk away, then whatever, Quixote wasn't gonna harangue him, but at least he'd chuck that option his way since it was about all he could do.

He was right; Quixote hasn't asked for advice.  But he'd gotten it all the same.  Because much as Niamh had been on his mind, Qui had to, since their talk before.  He hadn't realized until that moment, when he'd mentioned it again, but he knew now. Because Quixote was young, and had a mate, and pups, and yeah maybe Colt was more than a little jealous of his friend for that.  And maybe it sucked, just a little, to feel like he wasn't enjoying them the way Colt thought he might have.

He definitely wasn't sayin anyyy of that.

"You're right.  Thanks anyway."  He paused, turning to at least look at Quixote a minute.  "Not sure anyone but me can sort it out at this point.  But talking helped."  It hadnt, that was kinda a lie.  Saying it out loud, and getting feedback, had just reinforced that it wasn't something anyone cared hearing about anyway.  So he definitely wasn't gonna go get more of the same from Raven.  "I'll keep that in mind."  Another lie.  

Unwilling to stick around now that he'd said all that, he did continue on, leaving his friend with a nod and a small smile.  He wouldn't hold it against him - they were dudes, of course sharing and emotional support weren't gonna be a thing they were expected to be awesome at.  But he'd remember it, and probably, next time he'd just sort it out the usual way; internalize the shit outta it.

He sighed as Colt walked away.  But now what was he supposed to do?  Quixote wasn't sure if he'd messed it up or if that conversation was just gonna be doomed to start.  Should he tell Raven, give her a heads up?  Probably.   Maybe.  Eh. Who knows.  He'd have to think about it.

The only thing he was sure of was that he wasn't sure if he believed Colt -- that anything had been fixed, at least.  At least from his perspective, nothing had really been worked through.  He hoped Colt would talk to Raven, that maybe later on Colt would say he sorted things out with whoever the chick was and was happy.  That was the thing, wasn't it?  Qui spent so long questing for his own bit of happiness, his friends should be able to find their own happiness too, right?