Dragoncrest Cliffs pick your bones up, girl

going to say this is backdated to sunday, march 2nd

the afternoon is partially cloudy and cold — like every day of this winter thus far. while blodreina was previously indifferent to winter — it was just another season — this winter carries with it the weight of what she ( and drageda ) have lost. she regards the white snow that blankets drageda with the an adamance that reflects the stone her heart has felt like it's turned into; maybe it's always been stone that hard and impaled with thorns that cut and sting ...but it's the wake of the commander's death it's become weighted. the truth was, it wasn't just heda's death. as her rise in hormones as her body prepares for the coming estrus cycle — tantamount to complete and utter betrayal in her mind — she'd been thinking more and more of kendra.

but she thinks of wildfire and wonders just how much antumbra had suffered privately.

perhaps love was nothing but a trap. it lures you in with sweet promises and mighty decelerations and warmth and acceptance only to be turned against you at the first sign of real turmoil.

love in blodreina's mind was death; like the slow squeeze of a boa constrictor. crushing but not quick enough that you realized it was happening until it happened.

she lets out a low, skeptic snort as she walks her patrol on the eastern border, hardened gaze scanning the neutral territory, drawing in the scents. thus far, it was quiet and there appeared to be nothing that struck her as out of ordinary. a routine patrol, then. in hindsight, though she feels a lot of pent up restlessness inside her — an accumulation of a lot of things — she is glad for the quietude.

this looks lonely!

the wound on her face has healed fine -- it was never very deep, a shallow cut inflicted in a moment of panic. but blixen is holding firm in keeping ephraim here. she feels bad about it -- nomi'd cared a lot about ephraim, and mal's adoptive father, too -- she wonders if she should have just sent him back to trigeda with the news and avoided all of this. but he'd shown his true colors as a natrona and blix can't.. she can't have that again. not when he has connections to the sound, even if he'd seemed... she doesn't know. she's not clever, but she's stubborn and dealing with a lot.

when she spots blodreina, she hesitates. the woman had been her mentor and mallaidh's, had helped her when she was still striving to be cheka, but they have not spoken in a long while. not since she was eske (does she know blodreina at all, then? -- well -- but she still knows mallaidh.)

after a moment she steps closer and chuffs, not quite willing to break the silence between them, but wondering if the woman would allow blix to walk with her on her patrol.

thank you for rescuing it! <3

blodreina's gaze moves over her shoulder at the sound of approaching footfalls. she regards blixen for a moment, breaking the silence that hangs between upon the younger woman's approach with with a quiet, respectful wormana. there is no verbal question asked but blodreina accepts blixen's company all the same, inviting for the fire-kissed woman to join her with a gesture of her muzzle. maybe, blodreina considers, it's high past time she stopped shutting everyone out of her life, pushing everyone away. it's no secret to herself that she's afraid to let others close. she let her siblings close and they betrayed her by leaving her behind. even gyda and gavriel left, though blodreina could understand their choice to depart. at least they said goodbye. kendra and arlo both died and now heda too was gone.

it's hard, she reasons, to let others in when she's reminded over and over of why she's reluctant to do so in the first place.

how're you holding up? and i'm not asking you as wormana. i'm asking you as blixen. blodreina asks, fighting the swell of emotion as she realizes that this falls eerily in line with the last conversation she'd had with heda. she tries not to dwell upon it too much, her concern for blixen genuine. they might not be overly close but she was family and blodreina did care, deep down.

quietly she joins -- she would stay quiet, for once, feeling uncertain of how to proceed in talking to her former mentor, but blodreina breaks the silence for her. her ears fold back. in trig it seems a little easier to answer, so she returns, "not as well as i should be," her voice brittle. 

she wants to pretend, very much so, that she is doing great. were it not for her hysterics in front of the girl from the sound, the ephraim situation, artaax's absence, and maybe her conversation with aure (who can keep track of timelines) it would be easier to do so. instead she has to be honest about her mental state: not good. very bad, in fact. she'll put one paw in front of the other so long as she has to, but she was never -- "this wasn't how things were supposed to go," she says desperately, looking to blodreina with wide eyes for any sort of confirmation.

blixen is honest, it's in the brittleness of her voice; and for that blodreina feels a measure of relief. at least, perhaps, she can show blixen that she's not alone in a way that she couldn't for heda. but there is something about the words not in the way i should be that doesn't sit well with blodreina. what do you mean in the way you should be? no one should expect you to act like heda's death doesn't affect you. blodreina couldn't imagine having to act like kendra's death hadn't affected her. it still did, even to this day. she may not think about the woman as often as she first had but there is a part of the gona's heart that died with her and her death helped shape blodreina. just because you are our leader doesn't mean you can't grieve. but there is a part of blodreina that thinks this is why the commanders should not have family. it's too painful for both: the commanders and the family when something happens.

no, blodreina replies in agreement. in an ideal world heda would still be with us and there'd be a fos goufa to take her place. but the world they lived in was never ideal. things rarely went according to plan and all they could do was adapt. but the world isn't ideal. and we have to adapt because it's all we can do. adapt and keep moving forward. it wasn't fair but the world was cruel and it did not operate in the terms of justice and fairness.

i love that avatar<3

blodreina's words are reassuring, though they can't completely take the edge out of her expression. for blodreina and dio and mallaidh her kru who have been here since before her birth, who know how long and deep the history of drageda runs, maybe they don't expect anything of her. but for the others? they only know drageda under nomi. they only know tension -- the sound, wildfire, these petty and grevious wounds. blixen knows she can never measure up to nomi nor should she even try to -- she is a wormana, not a heda. what good is that for inspiring confidence?

still, she is grateful for blodreina's matter of fact assessment, and nods, feeling some of the stress in her shoulder ease. "you're right," she sighs, switching back to common. she assumes ajatar has taken reign, though without close access to the other branches, she can't be certain yet. "do you think we -- do you think i can do this?"