Kildeer Rest you're the ocean and she's desperate to drown

Set a few days into the future.

Most mornings, for as long as she can remember, Thuringwethil wakes up alone. There are a few exceptions here and there but this morning, as she picks herself up, she doesn’t bother looking around for someone nearby. Since Sleeping Dragon’s genesis, she had spent nights near Gyda and occasionally with Wildfire and there had been a comfort she’d found waking up with someone nearby. She’d been able to separate that level of comfort from her loneliness so she hadn’t become attached but where her mind goes in times of rest, it isn’t enough.

Thuringwethil stretches her limbs and her paws hit the ground, but she doesn’t go to the borders like most mornings to check on everything. Instead, she searches in the dark hours of dawn for the play she can find @Wildfire sleeping. It is still early, the sun barely peeking through the horizon, and her nose lowers to gently caress the back of the girl’s neck until she wakes her.

“Come with me,” she murmurs once she rouses her from slumber, giving her a moment to get to her feet and gather herself before Thuringwethil turns into a relaxed trot.

With the girl in tow, and mostly in silence, Thuringwethil leads her out of the eastern border of the dragon and across the valley. She ignores any attempts at Wildfire attempting to find out where they might be going but she supposes, eventually, it’ll become more than obvious. There had been a worry that the famine wiped out the greenery enough that it may look different, but as the young leader arrives, the bed of purple flowers remain, surrounding by a beautiful bounty of green, as if it hadn’t been touched at all.

Wildfire half woke to find herself clutching her own tail. Smiling sleepily, she pretended it belonged to Thuringwethil as she snuggled into herself and went back to sleep. She only roused again an hour or so later, when a soft touch caresses the back of her neck. She didn't have to pretend now. Only partially awake, the Bandrona smiled softly, rose, stretched and padded along after the commander, as eager to obey as she was to see where Thuringwethil meant to take her.

The yearling made only a single inquiry, yet when the Heda refused to explain herself, she pressed her lips closed, smiled, and said no more. Only when they approached a familiar bed of purple flowers in a neighboring territory did her lips part again. Her heart leaped, not only because the commander had brought her here but because it was such a sight for sore eyes. The famine had done some horrendous damage but it was so good to see that much of the wild was making a full recovery.

Wildfire murmured, "This was where you first offered me a place in Drageda," among other things. The young she-wolf turned to peer into the commander's face, silently wondering if there was any particular reason her significant other had brought her to this place today.

Thuringwethil supposes when they get close enough, Wildfire will pick up on their destination, and when the purple flowers come into view she turns to listen. She nods her head once at the realization and a soft smile crosses her features. She'd always found herself comfortable in Wildfire's presence and it makes it easy as she eases herself down onto the ground, tucking one leg into her chest with the hope she might follow suit. There isn't much planned aside from spending some time together without the watchful eye of those around them.

"It is not safe to go where we first met," she says. Not with the grotto around the corner and the distance is farther than Heda likes for both leaders to disappear to. "And I thought it would be better than where you almost drowned."

Her smile turns into amusement, briefly, as she thinks back. It had been a terrifying day to come upon but Wildfire came across the other side, stronger than ever. She'd seen the girl grow into her own skin within Drageda and had taken a highly respected position in her council. It's not the only thing Thuringwethil likes about her, of course, and she shifts her weight closer to her when (or if) she should settle on the ground next to her.

Her ears twitched, her head canting thoughtfully as Thuringwethil mentioned the place where they'd met and the place where they (or just Wildfire, really) had nearly drowned. But watching the Heda languidly sprawl among the flowers effectively distracted the yearling. It was always a pleasure to see the commander at ease. Not to mention those muscular curves shrouded in velveteen black fur. Wildfire openly feasted her eyes a moment, then slipped to the Alpha's side and lay down beside her like a sphinx.

She took a moment to simply savor the peace, quiet and solitude. Then Wildfire couldn't help but ask, "What's the occasion?" She felt her heart leap into her throat a little bit, her pulse quickening. Maybe there was no ulterior motive other than to get away and spend some time together. If that was the case, the Bandrona definitely wouldn't complain. But perhaps there was something more significant to this little couple's retreat?

The space between them is little and Thuringwethil doesn't do anything this time to separate them. The comfort she feels goes a long way, where her advisors might suggest (if not outright force) that she's distracted. Sleeping Dragon is plenty and safe and while tensions remain on the horizon with the grotto, there's no immediate danger. They've survived the famine with new life on the other side and she's... maybe not happy, but content. And having Wildfire next to her mimics the changes with Drageda not even she can stop.

Wildfire's question causes her to look away, for a brief moment, and consider her purpose. There hadn't been a lot of time from when she woke to rousing Wildfire—Thuringwethil just knew she wanted to get away for a while—and so she feels a little lost when trying to find the right answer. Distracted.

Once she brushes the thought away, her eyes travel away from the Dragon's silhouette and returns where they should be.

"I don't know," she admits, unsure if she should have an answer for why they've come out here. They can't exactly have this moment within the confines of their home but she tries not to linger on it for long. Her head sweeps over and she runs her muzzle against Wildfire's own to search for the right words to say. She falls silent for a moment, staring down at the grass at her feet, before she scoots herself a little closer to the smaller wolf.

After a few deep breaths and fighting her tongue on what to say, she decides she needs something. Neither of them can lead a life like this and one of them will need the first move and she doesn't want Wildfire to be the one to make that decision. She swallows a particularly hard lump in her throat as she clears it and finds her voice.

"I thought, maybe, you'd want to... sleep in my cave more?" she asks, though laced with uncertainty but it's uncertain whether it has to do with the step or where they might go from here. "I don't always sleep in it but I think most nights I do."

The words disappointed her a little, though Wildfire could hardly find fault with the commander's candid honesty, especially not when she was running her muzzle along the yearling's own smudged snout like that. She poked out her tongue, Thuringwethil's whiskers tickling it, and smiled before withdrawing it again. She could sense a nervous anticipation about the Heda which piqued her curiosity, especially when the dark woman moved closer. A strange purling noise escaped Wildfire, a sort of purr of approval, as she welcomed the proximity by leaning into her companion's soft warmth.

That sense of anticipation only continued to build as Thuringwethil quite obviously stalled and searched for words. The Bandrona waited patiently, touching her nose against the side of the commander's neck and gliding it down toward her shoulder. She placed a kiss behind the blade and would have proceeded further down the woman's back if it hadn't required folding herself nearly in half. Instead, Wildfire unfurled slightly against the Alpha's side and dipped her head lower, beneath hers, to snuggle a little into her chest.

She felt as much as heard the rumbled words, her ears sliding backward and her heart thumping excitedly in her own chest. Wildfire lifted her head a little, sliding it out from beneath Thuringwethil's chin, and nudged her closer cheek. "I'd like that," she said readily. "I'd like to sleep with you." As the words left her mouth, Wildfire realized the double entendre. Her cheeks warmed and she made a small, "Heh." But she couldn't bring herself to regret or apologize for the accidental implication because, truth be told, Wildfire was both curious and willing in that department too.

Affection isn't something Thuringwethil is used to and when Wildfire touches her, she finds herself lost more times than not. A harsh and strict upbringing, separating emotions from intellect, leaves her at a loss on how to react. She closes her eyes and leans into the girl as she speaks, thankful to hear the words. It's a step, however small, and something she may be able to get away with for a while longer. Their relationship won't stop growing and while her inexperience has a hold on her, she's not entirely oblivious. From the beginning, Wildfire has mentioned or implied how much more she wants and she always remains afraid she may not be able to provide.

"Good," she murmurs into the soft of Wildfire's fur, shifting close enough that her head can rest upon the girl's fiery paws.

There's a peacefulness she's only felt a handful of times and Wildfire sits in her memory nearly fifty percent of them. She tries, briefly, to imagine them together in the reign of Seageda and she can't even fathom the picture. Most of their structure had fallen to the wayside as she begins to rebuild Heda's empire and, perhaps, this change will take into account their generations. Thuringwethil squirms a little a moment later, willing herself to put the thoughts on a back burner so she can enjoy the brief time with her girlfriend she has.

Thuringwethil didn't seem to have much to say. Wildfire's embarrassment deepened, though there was a flicker low in her belly at that single word: "Good." She tipped her head, trying to catch the commander's eye to see how she had interpreted the Bandrona's little faux pas. Although it had been more of a slip of the tongue than anything, Wildfire suddenly grew incredibly curious as to whether Thuringwethil thought about these things too.

She mulled for a few moments, trying to piece together her thoughts while respecting the comfortable, companionable silence between them. She took to combing her teeth through the Heda's soft furs, nibbling affectionately here and there, as her mind wandered. They had never discussed the physical side of their relationship outright, nor had they really talked about the subject in general. Based on what she knew of Thuringwethil, she had never been in any kind of romantic relationship before and Wildfire wondered if this meant she was inexperienced. The yearling herself wasn't, though that thought caused a shadow to pass behind her amber eyes. It disappeared after a moment and she chewed the inside of her cheek thoughtfully.

"Thur," she began a few beats later, gently breaking the silence, "there's something I want to tell you."

Thuringwethil closes her eyes for a moment as she only focuses on Wildfire’s ministrations to her fur, feeling the gentle nibble and occasional lick. She doesn’t notice the tension at first, resting carefully in her company. When the affection stops, she finds herself tensing a little but she doesn’t make a move just yet. Instead, her ears sweep forward and tickle the underside of the other’s muzzle about the same time she finally speaks.

For a long moment, Thuringwethil doesn’t move from her resting spot. There’s an inkling in the back of her head that wants to panic but the forefront of her mind, the part inexperienced with romance, leaves her curious instead. Instead of speaking, she slowly lifts her gaze to search the fiery expression, brows knitting together in silent concern. She gently pushes her nose to her cheek then, encourging her to continue.

She sensed her lover's disquiet and offered a small, encouraging smile as Thuringwethil touched her cheek. Before she could lose her nerve, her lips parted. "The reason I left Moonspear and came north," she began, pausing to draw in a steadying breath, eyes slipping shut, "was because I was... attacked." It was still difficult to say the word "rape," even after all this time. "The attack destroyed my life. It ruined my friendships and..." She paused again, swallowing. "My mate-ship."

Her eyes opened, amber depths worried about how the Heda would take this news. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I never meant to keep secrets from you, I just..." She really wasn't sure what to say for herself. "But if this keeps going in the direction it's headed—and I hope it does—then you need to know. That, ah..." Her gaze dropped to study her own outstretched forelegs. "That I'm kinda sorta damaged goods, in a way. I'm sorry." She licked her dry lips, hoping this wouldn't change anything but steeling herself in case her past came back to bite her.

Wildfire begins and Thuringwethil finds her attention locked, having realized she’d never really heard the story. She’d never pushed for the information, never thought much of it, but as she begins to explain there’s a feeling somewhere in her stomach that turns upside down and threatens whatever contents might remain there. She opens her mouth to say something, finding there are no words and for the better, perhaps, as Wildfire continues on to give her an apology that strings another wave of confusion across her face.

Her fur bristles around her chest and she has to force her legs to stay in place, to keep her on to the ground, as much as she wants to stand and… what? She wants to do something but there is nothing for her to do. The attack happened long ago, Wildfire isn’t there anymore and she has been in the safe confines of the Dragon’s protection since. Even if she’d known about this sooner, would it have made a difference? Would things be different?

There is an ache that Wildfire’s life had been thrown around when she’d seemingly been happy, but where did that leave Thuringwethil? If it had not happened, would they even be here today? Would she have begged Wildfire to speak to tell her what happened some weeks ago? She glances down to her feet, mind swimming with questions that she knows will never have answers but they burn, acrid lashes against her thoughts. Thuringwethil swallows a lump in her throat and tries to find the right words to say.

“Who?” she asks but her mouth remains open, realizing she isn’t sure what she’s asking. “Who attacked you?” she comes up with instead, snapping her jaws shut and grinding her teeth together as if it were bone between her jaws. The urge to look Wildfire over settles in but she knows it is pointless; the attack hadn’t been recent—the attack that she doesn’t fully comprehend, either—and there may not be anything left but scars she’s chocked up to something else. “You’re not… you’re not damaged either. You’re here. You’re Drageda. You’re mine.”

Even though she isn't the first.

Wildfire intuited some of the emotions roiling in her companion's head and heart and felt acid burning in the back of her throat as she braced for a reaction of some sort. When it came, she flinched ever so slightly, her insides clenching in desperate fear of rejection. But the next few words out of the Heda's mouth sent a rush of warmth—no, heat—through her body that made her blink and then thrust her snout beneath Thuringwethil's.

"Yes," she murmured, "yes. I'm yours." Despite knowing she would have to rehash the old nightmare, her heart thumped with gladness in her chest at being so vehemently claimed. She savored it a moment, before drawing away a few inches and steadying herself with yet another deep, long breath.

"His name was Goober," she said, feeling her face warm with familiar humiliation, though it was not as sharp as in the past. "He—" A lump clogged her throat but Wildfire swallowed it. "He raped me, Thur. And it messed up everything between Floki and me," she continued, unaware that the name might mean something to her lover, "but it's all right. It's in the past. I'm okay now. It brought me to you," she said, leaning so that she breathed the words into the commander's neck, which she peppered with light kisses, "and you helped me heal, without even knowing it."

She stilled, just breathing lightly into Thuringwethil's velveteen fur, before saying, "And I'm happy, here, with you. I want a future and a family with you." Her heart skipped a beat as she confessed these things, laying herself and her innermost desires totally bare for the other woman. "I love you." Her eyes closed again as her head fell forward, forehead gently bumping against the Heda's.

Thuringwethil drops her nose a little when she feels Wildfire’s against her chin. She drops her snout to pull her close as she feels the murmurs of declaration against her chest. They’ve had moments close before but limited and with an eye looking elsewhere. Here, she doesn’t have to worry about someone coming around the corner or somewhere nearby, and she knows she can allow herself to get lost for a little while. It isn’t enough to shake the information she’d been given but, for a moment, she could enjoy their contact.

Wildfire pulls back, however, and begins to speak. Goober. What a stupid name.

Teeth grind against one another as the fiery woman continues to explain, ears cupped forward and she finds her dark grey eyes focused on something else. A particular flower off to the side, trying to absorb the information and not let herself be overcome with it. There’s a pause and Thuringwethil has to back track, realizing Wildfire admitted to being all right now, happy, and her head swings back in a haze and she focuses on her, instead, and feeling her breathing even out once more.

“I love you, too,” she says, ears back against her head that might indicate otherwise but only until she’s able to get a hold of her own feelings. She hadn’t realized, at first, that she’d even said the words as everything plays over in her mind. Thuringwethil doesn’t know where to focus, then, and so she shifts only to close the remaining few inches left between them. “I love you,” she repeats, placing a few gentle kisses along Wildfire’s ears.

Hearing the words whispered back to her warmed the cockles of Wildfire's heart. She bumped her head against the Heda's again, then pressed it down beneath her throat, like a contented kitten might. She curled up more tightly to Thuringwethil, so that more of their bodies touched, and let out a happy little sigh. She had definitely been through some rough stuff to get here but it had all happened for a reason, hadn't it? This was the reason. She was the reason.

Wildfire let the companionable silence stretch on for a while, her own amber gaze shifting between the commander's face and their scenic surroundings. After a while, her lips parted on a question. "Have you thought about having a family?" she wondered. Sometimes she was self-conscious about asking questions like this, putting Thuringwethil on the spot, knowing her background. But with the declaration of mutual love still warming her ears, she felt more confident in the future they were moving toward together.

While questions still swim in her head but she focuses on the words she’s just said. I love you. They felt surreal. Weird. For spending the majority of her life being told no, being removed from the world of bias and emotion, has stumbled upon something wonderful. It’s not the end of the world, right? She’s allowed to have freedoms, her own wants and desires, and those things are in front of her, fiery fur meshing with the smokey blaze of her own and, yeah, she’d like all of those things she’s been unable to have.

“Yes,” she says quietly, nodding her head as if to convince herself. One step at a time. She hasn’t had much time to really think about the future and what lay out before them. They could have their own children that would grow with Gyda’s own, mingling and creating the next generation of Drageda. It doesn’t erase the fear, however, of what all those changes might mean. While most of their wolves are not from Seageda, the few that are, and even those that have begun to learn their ways, may not understand. “When the time is right,” she adds, lowering her head once more to the ground and leaning into the girl next to her.

It was possible the commander hadn't given much thought to it. Although Wildfire had mentioned wanting a family in passing before, she knew Thuringwethil had never expected to have such things for herself and may have not really contemplated it much in depth. But the affirmation came and her stomach felt like it was full of butterflies, only they were on fire. She did not find the next few words discouraging. She merely nodded, knowing that it was more about nature than anything else.

Speaking of which, Wildfire put her muzzle close to her lover's ear and said, "I want to experience it, all of it: pregnancy, birth, motherhood." In other words, she wanted to carry their first litter. But what if Thuringwethil wanted that honor for herself? Perhaps there was something sacred about being housed within the Heda. But it was just as likely that the opposite was true, that the commander was never meant to subject her vessel to such things. Wildfire wasn't sure and selfishly hoped that, one way or the other, Thuringwethil would allow her this.

While her own family has been something that crossed her mind, albeit only lately, hearing Wildfire confirm she wants the experience sent a wave of relief through her. She hasn’t realized she’d been on the same page, or what she might do if Wildfire didn’t want to carry, but she’s thankful now she doesn’t have to think much on it. She is already changing the structure of her home to fit their new life and she isn’t sure how those, especially from Seageda, might handle this, let alone the Heda herself indisposing herself for several months at a time.

“You will make a great mother,” she says, her tail thumping twice on the ground as she noses along the length of her muzzle. Thuringwethil has never seen herself much as a mother, the role wiped from her teachings and expectations early on her life, and now faced with the possibility that she will be? It still doesn’t feel right but the newness had yet to wear off and Thuringwethil isn’t interested in squashing the girl’s dreams any time soon. In time, she suspects it’ll come, she only needs to rouse the repressed instinct they’d forced out of all of them.

Wildfire felt her heart skip a beat at the commander's words, which she took as confirmation that she would carry their pups. Her amber eyes crinkled at the edges, her smile was so huge. She thrust her head against Thuringwethil's neck, pressing her face into the dark woman's fur, and let out a muffled but joyful noise. There were quite a few more details they needed to hammer out before something like this could happen, though there was still time. For now, Wildfire just wanted to revel in the idea that this was all going to happen just the way she hoped, in due time.

"I love you," she murmured. She had said it only moments ago but it could always bear repeating. "And I can't wait." Yet despite her words, the Bandrona left it at that, still smiling a little foolishly but reminding herself to be calm and patient too. It was tempting to get her head and heart caught up in their future plans but she focused on the present, the here and now, reminding herself to be grateful for these stolen moments alone with her dearest Thuringwethil.