King Elk Forest -- when the ones that damn the innocent are on the nightly news

 

paging @Delight and being vague since we don't quite know how the mato/brienne thread will go yet.  additionally, because it was my personal ooc absence, i won't have brienne discuss the feeling of being betrayed icly because i'm not sure if everyone is comfortable with it.

the wind had changed.

she was distant and cold, in a different way than she'd been before.  while she'd always had a tendency to isolate, at least then she'd held some kind of compassion but her brief stint away from the king elk had left her bitter and jaded.  once more she felt like the crumpled thing that had washed upon the vale, at her the morwinyon's feet, and while he had every reason to call for a hiatus on their mateship it had left something at the back of her throat she could not cough up.

how dare they think she'd just abandoned them?  but how dare she have left?  it was a vicious cycle of self-blame that held her captive, and despite being a counselor and having one readily available, they were feelings that she refused to discuss. so instead she'd done what was expected of her and nothing more.

until today.

brienne stirred to the dampened sounds of snow-rain.  it was tempting to stay tucked away, hidden in her den, yet something in her bones from before the wilds called her forth.  the very thing that had led her so foolishly away from the king elk, and once more she gave in.  head low, she made her way somewhere, making sure to stay well within the borders but away from her hide.

he'd been in the sweep when she arrived back at their borders. and for the best, because he doesn't think he coukd have stood it, her and mato's reunion. delight does not know the details other than she's here. mato seemed so.. beyond it, the nénar has his suspicions, but. who really knows?

but he knows he has to seek her out and -- apologise, at the least. he cannot help but feel his ascension has been at her downfall and it makes him feel rotten. 

she's not hard to find. the weather matches the scene, his mood, and he approaches uncomfortably damp and drippy, before quietly chuffing to catch her attention.

she had been lucky enough to avoid anyone since her arrival thus far yet she knew when the wind turned and blew her way and carried the scent of her former? friend that he would come and find her eventually — to what, chastise her?  make her feel worse?  

it seemed as if only one of the fizzled young couple had been able to completely eradicate their feelings, watching him greet her like she was nothing to him at all.  in honesty she hadn't really been gone long, either.  three weeks?  four?  she wondered then, if he'd ever loved her at all.

so instead she brewed and a fury rose up in her, bitterness fueled by his unassuming existence around, like nothing ever happened.

she was torn from these thoughts by a chuff, and she startled, turning swiftly with her hackles raised before she saw the familiar face that had sought her out.  quickly, her entire body lowers, tail tucked between her legs as she dares not meet his gaze.

let it begin.

he isn't expecting that reaction, one paw pulled against his chest in surprise. "bri," the androgyne says, voice catching in his throat.

his courage flees him and he shifts his weight from paw to paw, his head lowering as he tries to catch the words he wanted to say. "trajan and uka never came back," delight finally says. she probably knows that already. he shakes his head. "i meanum, i'm sorry." 

snow settles wetly atop the crown of his head but he does not shake it off, watching her with rounded eyes, expression mournful. all he can do is hope she won't blame him forever.. especially if he's meant to lead her now.

she hates that he is sensitive enough to still be hurt by her, that he still cares.  had he not come here to admonish her for leaving?

she takes her weight off of her wounded leg, shifting between the other three uncomfortably as her breath hitches.  she cannot afford to be kind, and sweet, and loving anymore because it had allowed her nothing but hurt.  

yet still, he apologizes to her.  and for what?  why? she questions out loud, for what did delight have any reason to be sorry?  the question is almost! accusatory but she bites back the vile tone that threatens to creep into her words.

i never intended to leave, she begins, softer this time.  why are you sorry?  you didn't do anything to me.  you kept him. i don't know.  not happy. but he's obviously not hurt.

the movement of her leg catches his eye, noting the way she worries it but not stopping to process yet. when she asks why he has to resist the sudden threat of tears (he sulks, he looms, he whines, but he does not cry). he does not have time to respond before she continues, explanating, and again he looks at her leg, the gears in his quick mind turning.

"i thought that," he starts, ears twitching back. you kept him. "maybe  you left because of me." admitting it now, the nénar feels -- stupid, arrogant. of course he couldn't have touched them. he was never a threat nor is he an option even now. but it's too late to swallow the words back so instead he looks at his feet and asks quietly, "what happened?"

hurt and tears threaten to consume her whole.  the androgyne continues to fumble in front of her and it almost pains her more than surviving mato's indifference.  delight blames himself?

a no, rushes out of her as she closes some of the distance between them.  she can't fix mato but she can fix this and gods know she needs someone on her side. delight, never.

but as he inquires to what happened she feels herself choking.  it was her fault, of course.  they were right to think she was gone.

I traveled past the borders.  I never intended on leaving, but it was nice to.. look around.  Maybe find some new recruits as we were thinning out.. pretty bad.  I ended up being captured and had to find my way back home.

he thinks maybe she will be mad at him now, for making such a bold assumption, for overstepping his place in their life, but instead she steps closer, tells him no. "oh," he says dumbly. where relief should flood in guilt does instead - somehow, it's even worse, especially when she begins to explain. it's obviously not the full story (the collector that he is, eventually he may push for it, but for now he lets sleeping dogs lie) but it's enough. she'd been doing what he was doing, except not even, because he hadn't been trying to recruit anyone. he'd been hiding.

"brienne," delight says miserably, "we should've..." he trails off - should've what? looked for her? on the heels of trajan and uka's disappearances, they'd just assumed... well, they'd assumed the worst of her. the androgyne shakes his head, dislodging the slowly melting snow that'd collected on his crown. "i'm sorry," delight says, again, "for - assuming that you left by choice. what did mato say...?" his question is hesitant, unsure if he wants to know (or if she's willing to divulge), but... how had the silvery prince taken her return? and what does it mean for him (likely, nothing?)

despite growing into her newfound coldness, she does not find delight guilty.  it is not him that should have come looking for her. she has come to realize that mato had done the pragmatic thing by staying.  they had no scout, and there had been nobody here when she had disappeared — tindome would have fallen to its knees.

still. he did what was best for the pack, not for them together, and as such had made the decision for them.

it was something she didn't want to put onto delight.  he did not deserve to feel guilty for her disappearance, he did not deserve the chill she brought with her wherever she went.

i do not blame you, and you should not blame yourself either.  but she does not know how to answer how it went with mato.  it had not gone well to say the least.

we are, let's say, taking a break, she says flatly, and it is all she cares to give — he could pry into her capture and she would relinquish more information than she ever would to this.  i think i will be taking this time to pursue a different trade.  i am not suited to be a counselor anymore, i have no desire for it. how are you coming along?

her reassurances warm him, though it doesn't last long. a break. a small part of him says when one door closes another is opened and he feels a guilty squirming in his stomach -- though he knows it means nothing. a break is exactly that - a break. they'll find a way back together, delight's sure of it. "ah, mato's... well. you know," he fumbles, feeling for her. maybe they can hang out and talk about their boy problems -- boy, singular -- together, he thinks, a touch bitterly. 

he's a little surprised at her desire to retire from counseling, but - "do what you gotta," the nénar says reassuringly. even in a leadership role delight doesn't feel like he's in a position to try and influence or give advice on trade persuing. everyone's got their thing and he doesn't understand a good lot of them but that's okay, morwinyon values them all. but when she asks after him he finds himself blushing, feeling that same hot shame from before. "well," the androgyne starts delicately, "i'm working toward historian, i've - i'm sort of nénar, now." the role tastes strange on his tongue, and to be fair it hasn't even been a matter of weeks, just long days. he doesn't know how he's become mato's second but he has (and the memory of their last conversation makes his cheeks burn under dark fur).

he just hopes brienne won't... what? hold it against him that he worked his way up in her absence? it's not as if trajan and uka were around to compete -- but, still. "i.. maybe not today, but sometime soon, i'd still like to have your story, too," he adds after a moment, a little nervously. he'd meant to gather her story, the last of the remaining founders, last time she spoke but had been too tense, too worried about tipping his hat. he doesn't want to press her for anything while she's healing from her trauma but... eventually. for real this time. he hopes.

his response is not good enough for her but she didn't know what else she expected, honestly.  but of course she doesn't say it, instead dipping her chin.  yeah. i gotta.  she'd be a piss-poor counselor now.

oh.  congratulations.  it isn't hollow per se, yet it still isn't as cheerful as she would have been for him, well, before.  right-hand man.

somewhere, a pang of jealousy hits her like an afterthought.  but there's no time for that anymore.

absolutely, delight.  although i don't recall it with the same fondness.  she shrugs.  she would have followed him to the ends of the earth, she would have fought for him, and once again it comes to her that this isn't fair.  that cold-hearted bastard had two wolves who might die for him, and poor little brienne had nothing.  nobody.


whenever you want.  seek me out.  or don't, y'know.  who knew, with recent developments, how long she'd really be around.

her deadpanned congratulations does not surprise him - or even sting, really, because it's what he deserves. it was accidental and inadvertent but in a way wasn't he rewarded for her disappearance? it's what it feels like, anyway, and he's sure it's what brienne is thinking too. 

maybe a better person would step down and re-evaluate. maybe a better person would think back to that fragile moment where he crossed a boundary with mato he didn't think he ever would and try to pull back before they all get hurt. but delight is selfish and he'd prefer to wear the guilt and do the wrong thing under the guise of helplessness.

brienne's lack of enthusiasm -- doesn't exactly deter him, although it does make him feel slightly worse than he already does. but the story he wove - and the way mato talks -- well, talked -- about the cream-furred woman depends on her testimony. he lost the chance for trajan and uka, but they'd not contributed much anyway besides being present at their founding. brienne, though? she'd been there from the start, by the prince's side. she was not a replaceable part of the tale. fidgety, he shrugs to match her. "i'd rather have an honest story, even if it's not all happy," the nénar says, thinking of malice's strange tribulations, of the injustices burke suffered at the hands of the caldera. 

"of course," he tells her, a single wag of his tail accompanying the statement. "um, same for you? seek me out whenever. i missed you," he adds, a little insistently, because even if he can't - even if mato - well, she was his first friend and that counts for something. the androgyne sucks in a breath and watches her, unsure what to do, unsure whether to leave her be or wait to be dismissed.

brienne is taken aback by his admission.  it was true, during her time as a captive, she had truly missed them and had she been greeted more warmly she would have fallen over herself over and over to show how grateful she had been for their compansionship.

but that wasn't how it went.

her brow furrows and her flews quirk up in a hesitant laugh.  [q]of course.[q/]

and with that she turns tail and leaves to brew over this new course of emotion that set in.