Heron Lake Plateau Hoping for real betterness

As the day dredged on, the gloom seemed to be creeping in.  Rain was on the horizon, but it probably wouldn't hit until well after dark.  Right now, it wasn't an issue -- it was still hours away.  After stopping by the lake, Quixote had milled around the lake, then ambled through he middle of the territory for a while.  Okay, he delayed enough.

Before he knew it, he'd reached the borders.  It was probably time for him to bite the bullet and actually make the trek along the southern edge at the base of the plateau.  Hopefully it'd be uneventful.  To a certain point he wasn't sure if he wanted to run into any more potential joiners -- there were just too many things he hadn't sorted out that he felt he needed to.  Like how to balance wanting to protect his family with giving people a chance.  How to not be a hypocrite.

As he turned down slope at last, he only had to go a few yards before his own scent faded to be old, like he'd stopped to exist.  Obviously that wasn't the case, but this chunk had been really low on his list since Raven was hurt.  Stuff had changed a little since he'd been by last, but not horrifically so, which at least was refreshing -- the world moved without him, but he hadn't missed much.  Quixote headed to one of the young trees that made for an obvious marker point, to investigate for others' scents before leaving his own.

Unlike Quixote, marking the borders had been on the top of Ceara's to-do list.  Security was the biggest thing that made her feel safe, and marking the borders provided that for her.  With the rain on the horizon she wanted to make sure that they were fresh, given that the rain would definitely wash away some of that good 'ole packsmell.

She approached Quixote when she saw him — it had been a while since she'd checked in with him — and she gave him a quick, Hey.

Given recent events, the only way he thought he could provide security was by actually physically there at whatever conflict happened -- after all, problems could come from within, and no saying it respected a pack's borders.  Then he had to police the irrational and nagging spears of distrust that flew in every direction.  He could realize it was wrong, but that didn't meant Quixote had dealt with any of his issues -- he preferred to bury them.  Really, someone should drag him off to therapy.

At least the pups' birth had taken some of the edge off -- he didn't feel like he was worrying about death any more.  Even though that meant he was wasn't quite as obviously broken as when Ceara had brought Moose to the pack, he wasn't back to normal.  Sometimes Quixote wondered if he ever would be, or if the ghosts wouldn't let him.  

He didn't really notice her approach at first, too absorbed on trying to work out the history of smells.  Eventually, an ear swiveled as her steps drew his attention.  Going my way?  His smile was barely more than a flat line, but it seemed he was attempting humor yet again.  Hell, had Ceara ever met him when he was feeling normal?

He looked... better.  She still didn't think he looked great with as tired and forlorn as he seemed to be, but at least it seemed (at least from where she was) that his shoulder was not bothering him so much anymore.  And, well, maybe this was just Quixote's normal.  She wasn't sure she had seen him any better than this.

Yikes.

Looks like it, she supplied, tail swaying amiably behind her.  Checkin' somethin' out?  She bent to sniff where he was and only caught the fresh scent of packmate.

Not really.  Just.. Haven't really been by the whole south section since Screech.  Stuff changed.  This hadn't, really.  Only a lack of his scent 'til it had been refreshed before Ceara had arrived.  You know what, stuff should stop changing -- the pack had too much hell brought down on it recently.  All he wanted was for stuff to be normal, not that he was particularly familiar with "normal" himself.

Then he continued with a wry smile, Hadn't exactly been high on my priorities.  For obvious reasons -- or at least obvious to him.   He'd spent all his energy worrying about Raven and the pups for... how long now?  At the moment, trying to get back into the swing of things had sounded like the best way to continue to keep them safe.  Anyway, dallying around here wasn't gonna get the borders checked, so he continued along, expecting her to follow along.

Yeah.  Maybe this was just how he was.  Although she did understand why he hadn't swept by, so at least she understood him there.  The pack usually had border stuff covered, so he could sit and guard Raven.  

She watched him walk off for a second before she trotted in tandem.  How're the kids and wife doing?  Mostly she was concerned with Rave since the pups were still, well, potatoes... but she was also pretty certain that she would've heard by now if any of them, Raven included, had not been faring well.  Actually, we can just cut out the whole 'small talk' thing if it's easier for you.

Well, honestly, he didn't know what to think about Kite.  He didn't know what normal was for a pup that age, but Raven was pretty concerned about her.  But that wasn't the answer Ceara would want to hear, and it wasn't something that could be changed, right?  Like, it wasn't what she was really asking -- it was just a polite thing.  Uh.  Fine, yeah.  Thinking about it, he was about to open his mouth and say something else when she spoke again and interrupted his train of thought.

He sort of almost-chuckled.  Okay, he could kind of appreciate that, but at the same time, well.  For the months he'd been alpha, he still felt pretty fish-out-of-water when it came to talking to people now.  No griping about the state of things because it was his fault now, wasn't it?  And he was probably already dwelling too deep on other recent events, so strike those off the list.  Social misfit on line one...  But then what?  Silence is awkward, I'm no better at that whole talking thing.  So uh.  Thoughts?  Sure, there was always just continuing on doing the borders, but it wasn't like they'd moved too far yet.

Ha!  Was that a laugh!  She got a laugh out of him!  This wasn't hopeless after all!

But wait oh no, she didn't really know what to talk about either, and maybe talking about the gardens wasn't a good idea becaue either he wouldn't be interested and it'd be embarrassing or he would be and it might actually be worse because they were kind of for Raven, right?

And there was something about the look on Raven's face — just Raven's — that she wanted to savor there... and if he ended up hating it she kind of didn't want that association there.  So what else was there to talk about, anyway?

So uh, how's the weather? she joked, letting out a forced kind of chuckle that tapered off into a nervous little nnnnnnngh.  No but uh, before all this.  Before the alpha-thing and the constantly-patrolling-because-you-have-kids thing, what did you used to.. do?  Like for fun?  To relax?  Scoring points with Raven by giving her husband something like Raven's garden wasn't as skeevy as it felt, right?

The bad thing about patrols was that the stops weren't always predictable.  Quixote would veer wherever his nose took him off the typical path that most took, investigating what he'd missed, occasionally whizzing on the unfortunate tree.  It was pretty much gonna continue like that for the foreseeable future.  Nah, that's an alpha thing not a kid thing too.  I'd rather be hanging out with them.   Besides, can't protect them if I'm not actually there.  Okay, that had a bit of a sour note to it.  He'd been there late, and even if really there hadn't been any way to prevent Screech from going off the deep end, Quixote wasn't keen on letting that happen again, ever.  Honestly, it was just the fact that they had other duties they were now expected to do as alphas that made him slightly less growly about letting others around the pups in the first place.  He'd have been much happier just being some faceless person in the pack still, with Raven and the pups as his only care.

Quixote was probably the kind of guy it was hard to buy gifts for at Christmas, and his response probably made him sound particularly dull and uncultured, Honestly though?  Not much.  Previously would hang out, maybe spar, verbally skewer all the leadership's latest and greatest plans... But now, well...  Yeah.  The latter didn't work so much any more.  Shrug.  He didn't exactly have hobbies, and he pretty much knew one thing -- stuff revolving around fighting.  Every time he thought he'd maybe be able to settle down and do other things, something would happen to put it on the back burner.  Now he just had a giant pile of duties that nobody else wanted (and still quite a bit to catch up on), and I think at the time of this thread, a mate that was still taking care of pups that were still more resembling earthworms than wolves.  He wished there'd been more time between when they'd gotten together and when the pups arrived, but he couldn't exactly have an argument with what evolution decided.  Dunno if I'm allowed time any more, y'know?

Okay, the last time he did something for fun was probably back at the Caldera when he went to try and find more hot chicks for the pack and he ended up finding another Blackthorn instead -- and both of the ones that showed up that day were a little nutty.  Maybe it's better he was boring.

She felt bad for him.  He had a family and she didn't; he deserved to be able to spend time with them.  I don't want you to think I'm lookin' for anything, but.. you should take some time off.  Maybe just a day or two, here and there.  I'd be more than happy to do your duties for a while instead of tending to my garden, or whatever.

She was worried it'd come off as a play for his position, or a place in leadership, but she genuinely wanted him to be able to spend time with his family.  It'd make Raven happy, anyhow, and that's all that really mattered to her.  You are allowed to take time and spend it with your family.  That's, you know, half the point, right?

A wry smile, Think I burned through most of my time off already with everything that's happened.  And it was unlikely he'd ever stop kicking himself over not being there, being unable to stop it from happening, even though there was no warning it was going to happen.  It was just one of those things, but at least he didn't regret staying by Raven's side through it all, an ever-present guardian.  That was the right thing to do when Screech was still on the loose.  But yeah, suppose so.  Haven't totally worked out that balance yet -- but I guess wolves have been doing it since forever so it's gotta be there somewhere.

As they walked along, he exhaled loudly, It isn't the way I was thinking things would go.  Ever.  Certainly not leadership.  It wasn't his jam, it was just unfortunate (or fortunate, depending on perspective) that he'd step up to do jobs that nobody else wanted.  Even those he didn't want.  Realizing that was probably was a weird note to end on, he added, Deal with what we're dealt, eh?

She dips her head.  Offer's open, if you ever wanna take it up.  Maybe not now, but in the future.  Ceara might not be able to sway him now, but his wife and kids needed him and all this border shit?  Well, she and Niamh and Towhee pretty well had that covered.

She rolled her shoulders and flicked her glance back towards Quixote; she couldn't help but notice how put-out he seemed.  My parents were really lackadaisical.  There were so many of us, you know?  Big family like this.  We all just kind of drifted in and out.  I never felt at home there, even though we were all related.  Half due to teenage rebellion, and the other half due to feeling the need to outshine her relatives and failing.

But then again, they never dealt with half the shit that's been thrown at you and Rave.  I like it here.  If it's worth anything, I think you guys are doin' a stellar job.

Yeah, it was a lot.  It was a lot and trying to cover every base made him wish he had just one or the other so he didn't do both awfully.  Yet still, he had to try.  In the end, he nodded his head, Yeah, I'll keep it in mind.  Thanks.

Mine were just.. Not good.  Reasons I'm not there. And definitely not something he wanted to go over.  He wouldn't even tell Raven about chunks of his past until much later on when the pups were larger.  And whether he even told them ever?  Not if he could help it.  Instead, he continued abruptly to what she'd said next, Been a bit much, but hopefully we won't have anything else dumb happen any time soon.  And all things considered, wouldn't be able to do it without her.  This seemed to be confirmed with a slight but determined smile.  He didn't expand on why and did his best to make sure it didn't seem like he was inviting questions about it.  He was still a pretty private wolf, and though Raven got to see him at his worst -- his weakest -- it wasn't something he was keen on sharing.  It was just none of anyone else's business and he was insecure about enough things these days that he didn't need to dredge them out into the open.

The problem?  Well, he'd pretty well killed the conversation again potentially.  He was not good at this.

Yeah, he kind of had.  She didn't hold it against him though.  From what he'd told her about war, maybe he'd seen some shit and hadn't been coping well, or something... but it didn't leave much room for interpretation or questions.

So.  That's sweet, she says with an awkward half-smile.  Anyway, uh, guess I'll see you 'round.  Got some things to do.

And if he didn't stop her, she'd go do them.

There was that awkwardness again.  Yeah.  I'll uh.  See you around.  Continuing, in more of a mumble, Just gonna finish the patrol.  He dragged his eyes away, back to the path.  Yeah.  He'd pretty much ruined things.  Maybe try again later.

There was no questioning that he had issues, and some things were still so raw that he hadn't been able to fully process them.  Others were just so old and scarred that he was left wondering if it would ever properly heal.  Maybe.  Sometime.  He'd made a few good first steps but there was a long way to go.