Tuktu Hinterlands So I'll go- but I'm telling you, I don't wanna go.

This conversation was gaining the distinct feeling of a crossroads, one of which led to a life of accepting her apology, the other of leaving and letting her move on.  He considered her words as she gave them, but his expression didn't change much as she spoke, as his mind was churning through and trying to sort out how the fuck he felt about all this.

He suspected that the reason she dodged talking about this other she had found was that it hadn't worked out, and this was why she was fighting so hard to reel him back in.  If it had been a lie she would have revealed that in an attempt to get him back, but she hadn't.  He could say he forgave her, and return, and wait for the next time he and Towhee were at odds to watch her again turn on him immediately.  He could go back and wait for other guy to show up again and for her to walk out, preferring his company to Colt's.  The scenarios, as he thought over them, were colored by betrayal and pessimistic as hell, and none of them seemed like good options.

Funny how it was still tempting to take then, and likely always would be.  

I thought I did know you.  That's the whole point, Niamh.  But now I don't think I did, because if I had I wouldn't have asked in the first place.  I don't expect a lot, but I feel like the benefit of the doubt is bare minimum to expect in a mateship.  And you've basically admitted you can't change.  

He didn't believe her anymore, not when she said he'd been a priority, not really.  Maybe she thought that, but he wouldn't have even been able to consider what she did.  If he was a priority, then her idea of it was way off the mark from his.  What we had would have been.  But I think it's already gone.  This one hurt to say.  He accepted her title of jackass fully and completely, because he knew it was true.  He could be a jackass, but he was a jackass who had lived a lot of life and wasn't willing to compromise on the time he had left.  He wouldn't put himself in a situation of doubt and what she offered, tempting as it was, he felt would benefit her far more than him in the long run.  He wasn't willing to be that giving anymore. I don't think there's a way to fix this.  I'm sorry.

He'd been set against apologizing to her, but it slipped out and it felt right.  He didn't regret what they had had, but he did know, in hindsight - if he'd have seen how young she was then, and how unstable she was with the trust given, he would have made a different call.  No doubt.