Redhawk Caldera i beckoned you, my tender one

nebulous timing for dramatic effect, let's not think too hard

war bears down upon them, exciting and unavoidable. blixen takes stock of what counts: mother will be safe with her and the flock of redhawks, away from the fighting. (part of her wonders if she's gonna regret staying out of the fray, but she's not really a warrior, she's a protector - she's trying to figure out whether she's the hand holding the sword or the shield).

she knows nomi will be okay - nomi, who is unconquerable, who will have dio and eske at her side. blackfeather doesn't know what's coming. she hopes artaax will be okay but she has faith in him enough, has seen evidence of his ability to handle himself in battle. but then she remembers furi and the whole thing goes haywire. blix hasn't spend as much time with furi as she thought she would, between spending time with mother and training with towhee. they'd barely spoken on the way down, still awkward from their fight, and blix's heart doing somersaults in her chest constantly. but she wants to talk to her now, before they're parted, just in case. furi will be fine but just in case.

her mouth set into a determined line, the gona moves through their makeshift camp quickly, seeking out @Furi.

From the moment they left Drageda, the trip is far from what she expected it to be. One, she hadn’t really expected to come in the first place, and two, she thought Blixen would talk to her more. Unable to say anything outright about it—she is reuniting with her mother, after all—she wouldn’t deny the fact she’d rather have stayed back home in the cliffs.

Most of her days have become routine, making it easy to find her, and she turns slightly to see Blixen making a beeline for her. Well, she thinks it’s for her. The redhawk girl isn’t with her, and she isn’t entirely sure where Wildfire is, but she stiffens anyway and waits to see the trajectory.

“Hey,” she says a bit awkwardly when the fiery girl is close enough.

it's easy to find furi for once, and when her silver-black form materializes blixen feels her heart in her throat. 

oh.

"hey yourself," she answers, managing a faint smile. all at once she realises the fatal flaw in her plan to protect mother -- she'll be gone for a couple of weeks, with no way of knowing what's happened until they reunite. if there's one thing blixen knows about herself, it's that she despises being cut off with no contact. (and maybe the abandonment issues. maybe.) "you ready to go?" blixen asks, going for playful, but it's undercut by the clear and present anxiety in her voice.

It isn’t the normal Blixen that approaches her, either. Her smile is tight and short-lived but Furi mimics it anyway. She never really considered the way war really is, just before. Waiting, thinking about everything they’ll face when they get there (it’s not just her, right?). She inhales a sharp breath and shrugs a little, unable to find real conviction she’s even going to halfway tell the truth. “I guess so,” she says, twisting her lips into a frown and awkwardly glancing around. If she makes eye contact, she doubts she’ll be able to keep it together. Her mouth opens for a second, snapping quickly together, as the truth dies on her tongue. "Are you?"

she laughs, shrugs a little helplessly. "not really," the ginger admits. "i was ready until we got here and i thought about it for more than a minute." it's a good plan. nomi will be there, and dio and eske and artaax. she thinks about what her and nomi talked about and swallows a breath, steeling her shoulders.

"i talked to nomi about you," blixen blurts, inelegant as ever with talking about feelings. "um - back when we were still not talking. about how to make it up to you." embarrassedly she ducks her head, glancing at her paws. she has no idea what she's doing. it'd be so much easier to just laugh it off and tell furi to stay safe and leave it at that but -- but! blixen is not the sort to stew, not really. whatever she feels immediately bubbles up to the surface and bursts out of her, good or bad. but she hasn't planned what she's actually going to say, and the words get stuck in her throat, jumbled up, so she settles for giving furi a meaningful look, hoping it's enough. (it's definitely not enough.)

Furi laughs a little bit it does quickly. It makes her feel better to know Blixen is nervous, too. The others are seasoned and has seen battle. They’ve all killed—including Artaax—and they know what they’re doing. ”Yeah... I can’t wait to go home,” she says though the word feels a little weird on her tongue. It’s home. It is.

A beat later, when Blixen admits to talk about her, her brows knit in confusion. The sudden outburst catches her by surprise and it takes a few seconds for her to catch up. There’s the idea in the back of your head, knowing other people talk about you when you’re not around, but hearing it has a different feeling associated altogether. Trying to find the answer to her confusion leads her to finally making eye contact. The way Blixen looks at her makes her chest compress and she, once more, remains silent but very clearly what the fuck?

furi's laugh eases her anxiety a little bit. things have been so weird between them a part of her balks, thinking maybe the timing is all wrong or something, but that's stupid. unfortunately, furi does not seem to be able to read her mind yet, and the confused look she gives blix reignites her anxiety with a sharp-hot flare in the pit of her belly. "she said i should," she presses on, stubborn and nervous and an idiot, "find a way to, um, show you that i trust you."

oh god what am i doing she steps a little closer, reaches out and slowly, carefully, uncharacteristically so, presses her nose against furi's, eyes fluttering shut for a moment. "don't get hurt," she says, eyes fluttering open again, expression serious. "i'll see you as soon as we're back." i trust you not to die, she adds mentally, but doesn't say it out loud because putting it out there would be too much, she thinks.

Blixen’s explanation doesn’t make it any better. It means something. Things had started to be better for them, sort of. The war has been kind of getting in the way with that and has taken up much of everyone’s attention. She can’t begin to imagine what Blixen can possibly do to show her—especially now that she’s spoken what she thinks she needs to do—and she stares blankly a few seconds. 

The fiery girl is closing the distance, pressing her nose to her own, and she leans in to the touch anyway. A whine escapes her lips instead of words and an anchor locks her into place. Maybe, in another time, she’d be ready to go for the war but the tremble in her bones becomes obvious. She’s just a kid. 

Her next breath aches upon inhale but she’s lost of words, looking down the length of her muzzle and staring at one spot on Blixen’s fur through blurry vision.

furi doesn't pull away but her gesture, it seems, is not as clear as she means it to be. they're both overtired and she's close enough to see the tremble in furi's body -- close enough to think for a split second about leaving mother to the redhawks and joining nomi instead, just so she can keep an eye on the nightsky gona, but that's the opposite of showing trust, isn't it? 

blixen makes a frustrated noise and moves, pressing her nose against furi's neck, the gesture simultaneously childlike and intimate, trying to offer comfort while stealing some for herself too. "furi," she says, "furi," and then, "i want to be good enough for you," because that's always the issue, isn't it, blixen's own ego and her inability to connect and her inability to be something that furi can maybe lean on. maybe she can learn - or maybe it's too late and she should just peacefully surrender furi to rose.

but furi came with me, she thinks, and swallows the last of her self doubt. "furi, i want."

Blixen does not pull away from the touch, nor act like she’s going to. Instead, she’s even closer than before and the point of her muzzle presses into her thick fur. Eyes close and she leans in. Furi forgets they are in their camp, in the open, but it is the first time she’s felt warm in days. She turns, hearing muffled sounds that she only thinks she hears properly. They’d patched things up as much as they could the last time they’d sat down and talked and tried (not with much success) to understand.

“It’ll be okay,” she tells her, though her voice shakes. “If anyone is good enough, it’s you,” she adds with a twist of her lip. Maybe a smile. She gives Blixen a little squeeze around the neck before she pulls away.

"really?" she asks, voice hushed, chasing the retreating warmth of her friend. she's not prone to insecurity, but she does - well, furi was so mad - and she worries, is all, sometimes. worries that she wouldn't be able to make it right. then again, furi'd been the one to say they'd never stopped being friends, so maybe blix is blowing it all out of proportion, anyway. she needs a road map to understand this complex tangle of feelings.

more importantly - furi didn't reject her. furi didn't reject her! her face splits into a heady smile, eyes brightening. "even though," she starts, tripping over the words, then laughs and tries again, "i mean - what about rose?" because like, okay, maybe she is still a little hung up on that (because, let's be real, if she wasn't head over heels for furi she'd def have a thing for the sparky yearling).

Her brows knit together when Blixen questions her, pulling away a little but the fiery girl doesn’t allow the distance. There’s something a little concerning when she isn’t let go and her ears fall back against her head. It is not something that upsets her, she still enjoys the comfort of her touch, but her words don’t make sense anymore. “What does Rose have to do with it?” she asks, ears quickly fluttering back to the top of her head. Sure, Furi is fond of her and she knows Blixen has a problem with her. She can be friends with both of them but it somehow always comes back to the other ginger girl. “Why do you always bring her up?”

oh, hell, she's gone and said the wrong thing. "nothing!" the ginger says, a little too quick, flushing. "rose is fine, i like rose, it's just she's - better at this stuff than me, right? feelings and.. all that." she finally pulls back a little, enough to let furi slip out of her embrace if she wants, and looks at her feet, embarrassed. "i guess i just, i don't know, if i were you i'd probably want to go with her, so, and not me." she chances a glance back up at  her friend, a little worried about what she'll see.

“I don’t… know?” she says in question, turning her head a little. Things with Rose are easy, sometimes. She’s awkward a lot, but she’s awkward anyway and their conversations are always rather superficial. After a moment—and the cold has surrounded her once more—she starts to realize what’s going on.
 
“Oh.” For a few seconds, all she can do is stare at something in particular. She can’t find Blixen’s eyes but she settles hard on her shoulder. “I-I didn’t realize I was… picking anyone,” she says after a beat, frantically searching for Blixen’s face for answers.

blixen blinks, surprised. it's not something she's thought about. can you like two people at once? she wishes she could go talk to nomi real quick but, hell, they're in the middle of a war. "you don't.. have to pick," she manages, if only to make the panicked look leave furi's face. and... well, no, okay, blix has jealousy issues, but she can't make furi choose between them, it wouldn't be fair. 

so, "we'll - figure out a way to make it work," she says reassuringly, and taps furi's cheek, a quick peck. "i mean, um, rose is cool, i like her, so." that's true enough, anyway. she wonders if rose is okay with it too? like if they're gonna be some weird three way thing, they all have to be onboard probably. well, they can talk about it when they get home. "i'm just glad you - us," the ginger confirms with a shy smile, having managed to convey absolutely nothing of her inner dialogue, once again.

Furi can’t make things fall into place any faster. Blixen’s jealousy of Rose rotates and she shakes her head, feeling the urge to deny anything other than them being friends. Rose had gotten her attention in a way different than anyone else and she’s pretty and nice and, well, that all feels weird thinking about now. She isn’t here and Blixen is, trying to convey something with too many words for Furi to complete the puzzle.
 
It should have been obvious, as she thinks about it, but she’d easily been too wrapped up in her own anxiety and doubts to really notice. “I didn’t realize you liked me,” she says and bites her lip. She’d called her her best friend the other day! And, well… now that you mention it.  “Like that, I mean.”

... what?

"but i just said that i did," blixen protests, nearly a whine. oh, no, this is not very good at all - she'd thought - and they'd - oh, man. embarrassment floods her and she pulls back, blushing hard under ginger fur, looking at her feet. she'd been so determined to say something before they were seperated for god knows how long, in case.. and she'd still managed to muck it up. really she doesn't blame furi for not being interested, given how every time she talks to her she manages to mess it all up. ugh! "s-- sorry," blixen mumbles, "yeah, you're better off with rose, probably."

Furi sucks in a deep breath and holds it. The cold burns her lungs and she shudders, releasing it slowly. If she could turn back the last several minutes and start over, knowing what she knows now, everything would… be different. Better. Somehow. But she can’t start over and now things are falling apart and she frantically searches Blixen’s face as she deflates, defeated and Furi knows she’s done something wrong but she doesn’t know what, exactly. Blixen may have taken a step back but Furi steps forward, trying to keep their distance small.
 
“What?” she strains, though she isn’t really sure what she wants to say. She really wants to find the warmth they’d had a moment ago and she pinpoints where it all fell out of place. Her nose gets close and she presses it against Blixen’s cheek. “I’m not picking Rose, I just—I didn’t know that’s what you meant.”

she's mollified by furi moving forward, feeling the edge of panic soften though she still thinks she's mucked it up. this is not the smooth, heartwarming moment she imagined. then again, when has she ever managed to pull off smooth? 

"oh," the ginger says, her voice still hushed, and closes her eyes, leaning a little into the touch of furi's nose. "well," she says, and clears her throat awkwardly, "i did mean that." so now what?

It’s awkward (okay, when is it never not awkward?) for another few seconds while Blixen sorts through it, leaning into her fur. It isn’t enough time for her to sort her own feelings after being slammed against the wall, trying to find her place in all of this. Her mind struggles to stray away from Rose and what she has to do with it now. She’d never considered they both wouldn’t be friends but she can’t deny Blixen’s weirdness about it, even from the beginning. On top of the fact she hadn’t been expected—or prepared, even—to have a girlfriend any time soon. Or even a few days before they leave for war.
 
“Blix,” she says softly, closing her eyes. “So you like me?” she asks, maybe a little playfully, but mostly for confirmation. Her heart thumps heavily in her chest. She tries to swallow the lump that has formed in her throat. Even though they'd reached the same conclusion, Furi far slower than her counterpart, her heart does not slow down and threatens to propel out of her mouth.

furi! she makes a frustrated-playful noise, burying her nose in her silvery mane. "i said that," blix repeats, then clarifies with a grumble, "or i just did now, anyway," and pulls back a little, frowning. it's a gentle frown -- almost a pout, though she'd categorically deny that. "it's just, you know, war," she tells furi anxiously, "and i wanted to - before we're seperated. wanted you to know."

As Blixen turns more into her, and speaks through a mouthful of fur, she tries to turn a little and keep her in an embrace. It’s nothing but awkward but what else should one expect? She doesn’t really know what to say, so instead she whines and leans more, lowering her rump to the ground. All she wants to say—to shout—is how much she wants to go home but for now she takes the comfort from her friend while she still has it, for she’s too young to consider this may be the last.

end here?

furi doesn't say anything else and blix's heart thumps erratically in her chest. she doesn't know how to take the quiet - it can't be a rejection, since they're still in their embrace (and she's happy to stay close, nose pressed against furi's cheek). any lingering worries get buried under the quiet intimacy and the lingering fear of war, lost in the last few stolen moments before blixen has to pull away and go back to her mother's side. "ai op yo dei aftaim," she murmurs against furi softly, a promise before they are forced to part.