Blacktail Deer Plateau slow dancing in the dark

@Minori forward dated to the 25th

never before had he felt so pathetic and defeated. a strong, proud warrior lay crippled in the confines of a den. two days felt like several years. every minute of every hour was agonizingly slow.

there wasn’t much to busy himself with so he was finally faced with the thoughts he had put in the back of his mind. minori and corvus plagued his thoughts. they looked so happy, she looked so happy. he should have been content with his friend’s joy, but he wasn’t. it wasn’t like he didn’t want her to be happy, he just wanted to be happy with someone else. someone like him. no, that wasn’t it. he wanted to be that someone.

he never thought of his feelings for minori anything but platonic. but now that corvus was in the scene, things were clear. he loved her and he couldn’t comprehend that until now. the feelings he had for her was something he had never felt. it was different from a friend or family member. he loved her, and now it was too late to do anything about it.

It had taken her a few days to get over the panic of Issun collapsing on the borders with a severed limb. He had looked so close to death that she feared whatever Ruenna would do for him wouldn't be enough. Yet he had pulled through though he was weak and laid up inside his den much like she had been after the bear. Another surprising matter was her worry for his well being over rode the anger and while she was definitely on her way to check in on and confront him, it probably wouldn't be explosive.

She found his den easily and chuffed to signal she was outside, peering in and entering slowly. "Issun....do you feel any better?" she asked. She was suddenly struck with the complete lack of knowing what to do. It made her somewhat uncomfortable imagining bringing up the incident that caused all this. And that was when she realised. Her being with Corvus had caused him to run off so carelessly that he had ended up getting attacked and hurt badly. On one hand she felt guilty, on the other she still felt he should have talked his feelings out before all this turned messy. "I originally wanted to yell at you. You've been avoiding me for days now and I had no idea why. Yet when I'm... being friendly with Corvus you run away like a coward" her eyes had darted away for a moment as clumsily stumbled over how to phrase what she had done to Corvus.

"You made me open up when I had problems. You made me talk. Why don't you trust me enough to do the same?" she asked and there was the vulnerability, the slight crack that showed her hurt feelings. "Corvus was able to help me figure out why you have been avoiding me but I could be wrong. You stopped acting like I existed when he came back and I learned the truth and wasn't mad. Then you run away when I'm....oh hell let's face it. You ran when i was kissing up on Corvus. Do you like me Issun? As more than friends?" she asked and her heart hammered, nervous because she knew she didn't feel the same type of love. She didnt want to break his heart, she didn't want to lose him. Yet it was a possibility wasn't it? That he would be unable to handle the possibility of seeing her with someone else, that someone being his enemy. She wouldn't lead him though, she wasn't that type and she would never do that to him.

his eyes flew open when he heard her in the entry way. he didn’t want to face her at first. fear and anxiety caused him to go lightheaded. what would she say? what would he say? he had been dreading this day, he wasn’t ready for this. but there was no turning back now.

curled up with his back still facing her, he answered, “little bit,” with a voice weak with drowsiness. there was a long pause and he thought that that was the end of it, but then she got down to the point. when she reminded him of the day with corvus, he coiled in on himself. he couldn’t stand it any longer. he just wanted to forget about it entirely but it just kept coming back.

then she told him about opening up and how he wouldn’t do the same. the quiver in her voice hurt him. he never wanted to bring pain onto minori, yet he seemed to do just that. “i would’ve,” he whispered, finally raising his head to look over his shoulder. “but i couldn’t do it, not for this. i didn’t want to hurt you, but i did. i’m sorry minori.”

and then she acknowledged the elephant in the room. do you like me issun? as more than friends? he looked down at his paws. they were shaking, to his surprise. never before had he felt so lightheaded and fragile. he wanted to weave his way around this, but there was no use of doing so. no more running, no more hiding. he just had to say, “yes.”

silence. he immediately regretted saying that one word. confessing his affections had never been a problem before but this held more weight. “i’ve fallen for you,” he spout out of impulse. well, there was no taking it back now. issun turned around to look her in the eye. his expression was full of worry. “you came into my life when i was at my lowest point. you helped me find happiness when i thought i never could. you made me feel safe and wanted. i would do anything for you.” he averted his gaze, afraid to see her reaction. “i’m in love with you, minori.”

She forgave him for the hurt, though she didn't like why he had ended up doing so. It stung that he hadn't been able to bring himself to talk, that he just couldn't do it as he said. She didn't understand why he couldn't, she had thought they would be able to talk about anything. If he wouldn't talk to her, why should she do the same? Her face fell and she looked quite unhappy but she slowly nodded "I forgive you...you didn't mean it" she said softly. Then came the answer to the main problem and her heart sank into her belly, causing a sick feeling, a strong plaguing guilt that made her want to turn and run. She wanted so badly to allow herself a moment of foolish cowardice but instead she faced him down, shock and sorrow swimming in her gaze. Her breath quickened as she panicked, struggling to make herself stay while he broke the silence and continued. The feeling of guilt and sadness grew, weighing her down until she slowly slid onto her belly as he finished.

She stayed silent though she didn't break his intense gaze. She could see how hard it was for him to confess this, she could see him shaking and if he could face this down then so could she....though she couldn't speak yet. He loved her. He'd been brave enough to say the one word she had no idea about. He was an incredible man, so complex and sweet and pure but she still felt such uncertainty. Could she ever fall for him? For the incredible man that Issun was? Probably yes but would she be willing to push her feelings for Corvus that she was already so sure was something close to love away just to give Issun a chance? Risk losing Corvus over the chance that she may fall for Issun? And if she didn't fall for Issun and things went sour and she ended up losing both men she cared for, what then? No, she couldn't do it and it would be wrong to give Issun's only a shadow of what he wanted from her.

"Issun..." she began and immediately stopped, a lump rising in her throat. Her eyes moistened and she fought against her tears, flanks heaving "Issun I...you are the most amazing friend I've ever had. I don't want to lose you but i-" and the sobs broke free. She pushed herself up and turned away from him, not wanting those prying eyes, those sad, hopeful, hurting eyes of his to watch her cry "I don't have those kinds of feelings for you. Someday they may come but...oh god. I barely know how to work out emotions in general right now"


she paused to breathe, silent sobs making her shake as she prepared to blurt out the worst of the confession "I think I love someone else, you're a smart man...you know who that is. I'm sorry, you two were my only friends and maybe if I'd stayed in Kamiki instead of running after him it would be the opposite but it isn'!" she began to cry in earnest now, turning to face him.  Her eyes were wide, tear filled pools of sorrow as she looked at him. "I don't want to lose your friendship but I wont...I won't lead you on. I have no idea what will happen in either relationship, he doesn't even know I like him. If..you want to leave me, hate me, i can access it" she said the last bit gently, standing there with her tail tucked and head bowed looking nothing like the strong warrior and everything like the scared, emotionally confused girl she was.

she didn’t share those feelings for her. hearing that took a massive blow to the heart. his eyes clenched shut as the heartbreak overcame him. he should’ve known this would happen. how could he be so stupid? if this had happened before corvus came back then maybe this would’ve gone differently.

corvus. it didn’t help that she had practically confessed her attraction to him now. to hell with that man. leaving without a word and coming back to welcoming arms. sweeping minori off her feet in a blink of an eye. it felt like he snatched everything from him. to hell with him!

issun sat quietly through her sobs. once she was finished, he looked up at her deflated form. he could only blame himself for this. if he had kept his damn mouth shut, maybe things could go back to normal. but nothing would be the same now.

“i’m sorry,” he croaked, almost inaudibly. the pain was clear in his voice. he then turned away and curled in a small ball to hide his shame and heartbreak. he had nothing more to say. he was defeated.

If he had yelled at her, acted jealous, acted angry and wronged it would be have been fifty times better. If he had called her a bad friend, told her she was wrong, she would have been mad and hurt but it would be nowhere near as bad as this. Instead he shut down, closing his ehes, shutting her out and apologized as if he had done something wrong and turned away from her, refusing to look at her any more. She stood there, shaking and silently crying, staring at his curled up form and opened her mouth to say something but nothing would come out. She took a step forward and hesitated, shaking her head slowly "Issun don't...please. I'm sorry...i care about you. Please don't make it this way" she whispered and approached him. She would try to nuzzle him and comfort him if he would let her.

it would’ve been better if she left then. leave him to rot away in his own feelings. but she stayed there, her cries echoed in his mind. his muscles tensed when she heard her come closer and inhaled sharply when he felt her in his plush neck fur.

it was torture. it felt more like an act of pity then affection. it felt forbidden, something he simply couldn’t have and yet it comforted him. he lifted his head and licked her ear. guilt and embarrassment immediately washed over him and he pulled away. “please don’t cry,” he said softly.

She left her muzzle buried in his fur, closing her eyes hoping it would stop the tears but they still flowed and soaked into black fur. When he lifted his head and licked her ear she felt a bit of hope that maybe things would get better in time, that if he could return her affection still that their friendship wouldn't be ruined. That hope was quickly dashed when he pulled away like to touch her burned him. Did she really do him that much harm? A slow, sick burning wave of horror and hurt washed over her and she backed away "You're right. I don't deserve to cry, I'm not the one who was wronged here. I'm sorry Issun..I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'll go..leave you be" she murmured and turned, heading off before he could speak again. In her world, she had only ever been hurt. Now she knew that hurting others sometimes hurt her worse than anything else.

at that moment, he could not face her. the sadness, the anger, the embarrassment, it was just all too much to handle right now. he feared that if he looked at her, he’d say something he’d regret. but when she began to leave he couldn’t help but look back. “wait-” he rasped, but it was too late. she was already gone. issun rested his head on paws. for the first time in a long time; he wept.