Whitebark Stream It's me defending in suspense

AW
tag is for reference

There was a permanent rut in the ground from where he paced periodically throughout each day. He noticed it as he walked back to his spot after dropping off a rabbit near the entrance of the den that housed the children he knew nothing about. He didn't know their names or what they looked like or even how many there were. It was absolute torture. Some days he wished to feel numb again, at least then he might get some relief. But it was all what he deserved, he knew. He had abandoned @Grezig at her most vulnerable after promising the exact opposite. He had much to make up for, if he even could ever make up for it.

So he accepted his fate. But he refused to leave the area for any extended period of time. Really the only times he left were early in the morning to do a patrol so as not to let Artyom down and to hunt something for Grezig. Other than that, he remained a sentinel in his spot not too close to the den but no too far that he couldn't see the the entrance and keep an eye on things. 

He collapsed to the ground with a heavy sigh, resting his head on his front paws as his emerald gaze scanned the area like it had done hundreds of times before.

surya was immediately drawn to the wolf laying down, staring morosely ahead. he was all too familiar to the yearling. well—not for himself, but for his looks. his dark pelt and green eyes reminded him of his mother, and he felt a yearning as he stared from afar, a need to fling himself into embrace.

but despite all his wishing, this was not his mother but a stranger, a big, muscled man whose charismatic looks belied his depressed mien. still, surya was curious, and wandered closer with a chuff. he didn't necessarily want to bother the other wolf. . .but his new packmate looked like he could use a friend. maybe.

hello, he greeted warmly, sitting back on his haunches a few paces away. care for some company?

He was attuned to all the sounds and scents around the den at any given time, so he heard his packmate's approach before the young man greeted him. Kavik lifted his head and looked at the yearling, the sight of him causing a flash of sadness to squeeze his heart. His oldest children would all be about the same age; he missed all of them terribly, and hoped that the ones that were still alive were doing okay. 

He nodded and returned the boy's smile with a small one of his own. Sure, he finally answered. I'm Kavik. Maybe company would help take his mind of things. It would certainly be better than moping around all day.

at least a smile was offered, though the man still looked sad. surya came closer and sat, sphinx-like, close by, silent for a moment as he settled in. i'm surya, he introduced himself, glancing over at kavik. emerald met emerald, and he was transfixed very briefly before he could find the words to speak again.

you look like my mother, the yearling blurted, then immediately looked down, sheepish. ah. . .i mean, not like you look like a woman. just—your fur, your eyes. same color.

what a brilliant start! and yet, the admission aloud made him feel a little better, as if his mother's presence was now nearby. he let out a soft chuckle, an exhale through his nostrils, his eyes returning to kavik's face. sorry. i couldn't help but notice.

He felt sorry for the kid. Kavik's similarity to his mother clearly caught him off guard. It was easy to understand, being someone that had family of his own that he missed. It's okay, he said with a half smile. Where is your mother now? he asked. Maybe talking about her would help him feel better. Or maybe it would just make things worse. Kavik certainly didn't enjoy talking about his missing or dead family members. But he didn't always deal with things in the healthiest of ways, something he was just starting to realize. At least talking about someone else's family might help distract from his current, very shitty situation.

surya looked relieved as the man not only took his awkwardness in stride but forgave him for it. the question took him slightly aback, though, and he paused. should he tell kavik the truth, or. . .? it wasn't a very pretty truth, after all. and maybe his new packmate didn't need to know the whole story, after all.

she lives in the south, near the coast, he explained, meeting the other wolf's emerald eyes. . .so like his own. it was like staring into a mirror, but moreover, it was like talking to a parent. someone he could trust. i wanted to be on my own, so i left home last autumn.

there. that was vague enough. and if kavik wanted to pry, he could pry—surya would just have to mentally steel himself for that outcome. have you lived here long? he asked, shifting the topic away from himself.

He could understand the draw to try out the world on your own, especially to someone young. I left my home for the same reason, Kavik answered. It's brave to leave something familiar and travel to where you know no one, he added with a small lift of his eyebrow. Still, I'm sure you miss her. He knew better than most what it was like to miss family, and he deeply empathized with his young packmate. 

He shook his head at Surya's question. We arrived shortly before our children were born, he said with a lift of his towards the den. So, we've only been here for a couple moons. It had felt longer than that with everything that had happened, but no need to dump his complicated problems on the boy. Plus, he would rather talk about anything else. And what about you? When did you arrive here?

brave. in his more cocky moments, he believed that wholeheartedly. how cool he was, striking out on his own! but he didn't feel so brave on the loneliest of nights, and surya wondered whether kavik knew that same yawning emptiness. no one to talk to, no one to trust in.

i do, he admitted, then wrinkled his nose and added in impulse, but i'm still angry with her. stubborn boy. he left it at that; if the man pressed further, he would not go on. he would never forgive his mother for not telling him the truth straight out.

instead, he leaned into kavik's own story, smiling as he followed the man's gaze toward the den. oh, those are your children, surya said warmly. well, obviously—why else would the guy be sulking near here? it wasn't all that comfortable, after all. what was making him so sad? he had his family, he had a home. . .what was wrong?

not longer than a moon, he replied. it seemed much longer. time seemed to drag on in the cold season.

Kavik's eyebrows lifted at the youth's words. You're angry with her? he asked. Why is that? He knew from experience that was very easy to anger your children, especially as they got older. He wondered what might have happened between Surya and his mother? Maybe Kavik could help him see another side to the story or at least be someone to listen. 

His own expression darkened some, and he looked away towards the den. Yes, he said. I messed up pretty bad while their mother was still pregnant, and so far, she has refused to let me see them, he offered, sadness obvious in his voice. I do not blame her, Kavik continued. But, I would really like to meet them. He looked back to Surya. So, I stay out here most of the time to protect them and hopefully prove that I am worthy of a second chance. He knew Grezig well and sometimes, he was afraid her anger would never soften. 

It seemed he hadn't been here much longer than Surya. So far, it has been a nice place. A good pack, he commented, looking back to den.

as expected, the question came in. surya shook his head. it's a long story; i would rather just forget about it, he said morosely, shrugging. why would someone seemingly so keen on forgetting something keep bringing it up? it was a lie he kept telling himself, over and over: i want to forget it. i want to forget him.

but it seemed the yearling was not the only one with troubles. his ears came forward, attentively curious, as kavik spoke. what did you do? he asked, trying to inject compassion into his words despite the overt nosiness. he must have done something awful, if the mother wasn't allowing him to see the kids.

a nice place. except for the whole family drama part. he nodded in agreement, but kept quiet, waiting for the rest of kavik's story.

Kavik shrugged. Alright, we don't have to talk about it, he offered. He knew well the feeling of wanting to avoid a painful past, and he wouldn't push Surya to talk about his. But if you change your mind, feel free to come find me. He would leave it at that. No pressure but an open invitation to talk if he wanted to. 

Kavik sighed, debating whether or not to share the details of his most current failure with his young packmate. But maybe if he opened up a little, then Surya would be inclined to do the same if he ever felt like whatever he was dealing with was too much. I left them, he said, closing his eyes for a moment before opening them back to stare wistfully at the den. I was struggling with some stuff and somehow got it in my head that they would be better off without me, so I left. He slid his gaze back to Surya, a hint of the misery he felt about it all slipping into his expression. We had just arrived here, and Grezig was very pregnant, and I left her with wolves she barely knew...after I promised I wouldn't abandon her— he paused and closed his eyes again, drawing in a deep breath. That was about all he could really say about it. Anyway, I saw the error of my decision eventually and returned, but she was furious with me, understandably so. He sighed again. I apologized and Artyom was kind enough to allow me to return. So now I'm hoping I can prove to her that I'm not going anywhere this time. He wasn't sure it would be so easy, but he refused to give up.

surya was willing to hear kavik out—all until the first three words. he kept his expression as neutral as he could, but inside, he was seething.

i left them. it echoed in his head, a shrieking bell-toll.

had this been what his blood-sire had reasoned? no—it had been worse, in those circumstances. adultery, betrayal, abandonment. this was simply the latter. . .and kavik had returned. but surya still couldn't help but see the man he'd never known, standing before him, explaining himself. the tale fell on deaf ears.

it is good that you came back, surya said woodenly, once the man had fallen silent. some men don't. he had lost his appetite for this conversation, struggling to keep his composure. it was nice to meet you, but i have to go, now.

with a stiff spine, he departed, hoping that kavik would forgive him for the abrupt departure.

but then again, what use was forgiveness from a man who would abandon his children?

He wasn't sure what his reply would have been; he didn't necessarily agree, and he might have said something along those lines had he been given a chance. But he wasn't. Surya stood stiffly and announced that he had to leave. Kavik wondered what had changed to make his packmate leave so suddenly. Maybe he just didn't feel much like talking anymore? He had dropped a lot on him, and they didn't really know each other very well. 

Kavik watched him leave, a mild look of concern on his face. But he said nothing more. Once Surya's form disappeared from sight, Kavik dropped his head to his paws once more and regained his wistful stare towards the den.