The Sunspire love, oh lord, my love

the morning was almost unnaturally quiet.  she could hear no birdsong nor the wind against the mountain.  she had a decision to make and naturally that meant she was brooding.

surviving here, on the mountain.. it was hard.  there was not life here.  it was rocks and rocks and rocks and peaks and the sky; there were no trees, and it was difficult for her to see what little beauty there was because it was shrouded by...

oaxaca dying.  ibis getting attached.  this food shortage.  sharing a den with the alpha's mate, who she was pretty sure hated her.  

she had to talk to @Terance.  for the children.  she didn't see another option.  if there was a food shortage in delight's pack, pyro would've reported it back.  it was only a week's travel.. between the two of them, they could make it.  if nothing else.  she gathered herself up on weak limbs and sought her husband, who frequented the borders more than spending time with his family as of late.  she didn't blame him.  she just.  

oh well.  it didn't matter now.

truly terance spent little of his time of the borders. in comparison, anyway. he spent early mornings patrolling and the reset of the day circling the whelping den where all three of the mothers lived. it was the only way he could guarantee that they would be safe. it was sort of exhausting... but... well-- what else could he do? the pups were still too young to fend for themselves. terance was only doing his job. 

and so, early morning rolled around and terance took to the borders, patrolling silently. all senses were on edge as he scanned for potential threats or visitors. all was quiet this morning, except...

"seabreeze?" he muttered when he scented his wife, his ears pricking and his nose twitching. he turned, spotting her a little ways up the cliffs, and backtracked to greet her with an affectionate kiss to the cheek. "what brings you so far out?" he asked gently, broad smile across his muzzle. the food shortage had taken a toll on them all, even terance was looking a bit thin, but she still looked so beautiful in the soft morning light.

she couldn't meet him with the same usual grace.  it was difficult, this conversation.  she knew how he felt about rannoch, she knew she was just some girl he knocked up.  despite the love that was there between them — still was, despite what anyone might think after this — she knew that the babies had to come first, and it tore her apart.

do you have a minute?

he had moved to greet her sweetly, affectionately, as he always did. but... her face-- her expression-- her voice. terance stood still where he was, his body running both ice cold and red hot. something was wrong. and terance didn't know what. 

"of course," he said gently, ears pushed back-- though he moved them to cup forward to hear what she had to say. his browed were knitted, expression laced with concern. "is everything okay?" why was he so afraid to hear the answer?

She hesitated, and then failed to answer him at all.  She wanted him to touch her, comfort her, but just as violently she wanted the bore of his emerald green suns to lift from her and pressure her no more.  She wasn't a mindreader but it took no psychic to know that he would not leave with her.  Rannoch was to him what Olive was to her — she was just.. some girl he'd knocked up.  

She didn't really believe that.  But in comparison to everything Rannoch had done for Terance, Seabreeze knew she stood no chance.  This was futile.  Just a courtesy, no matter how desperately she wanted him to come with her.

I'm... she began before she trailed off, steeling herself for whatever might come.  It is my fault that Sunspire is starving.

She casts her gaze to the side and swallows before the rest of her thoughts come flowing out.

Well, mine and Olive's.  Our children.  And it's not right for any of us to suffer for it, to go hungry.  I commend Rannoch for being kind to us, and I do want to make it crystal clear that I appreciate what he has done for us.  I don't want him to think we are taking advantage of Sunspire.

She breathed in, trembling.  So to help Sunspire and to help our children, I believe it would be best for us to ... go somewhere.  I have a destination in mind.  Although I didn't send Pyro to Delight for this purpose, he didn't report back any food shortage.  The children will have others to play with.  And I want you to come with me.  I understand if you don't want to... I know what Rannoch is to you.  That is what Olive is to me.  I wouldn't want to steal another able body from the Sunspire.  I just.. want you there with me.  I want you to come with me, Ter.  I love you so much.

at first, terance began to think that he would have to comfort his wife. she seemed frazzled and then was so hard on herself at it hurt-- it was not her fault. and he opened his mouth to tell her this but, to his surprise, she kept speaking. and suddenly he felt the ground be yanked from his feet and the weight of the world fall down upon his head. it felt like it split open, but left terance with nothing but a ringing in his ears.

despite the overwhelming sensation in his throat-- a burning dryness that choked him out. he couldn't speak-- or breathe or cry or anything. he simply stared, numb. he wanted to say something, remind her what they'd both told each other-- how they'd both taken down walls they'd built to keep others out, to let each other in. he tried to think of the words to tell her of the sacrifices both wolves had made for their little family. all the secrets they'd shared. he wanted to scream at her-- how could you?! but all the words caught in his throat before he could gain the courage to shout them at her-- and suddenly a switch flicked off.

his expression dulled, going from concerned to empty. what could he say? nothing. there was nothing he could say. 


"please send okeanos and ibis back when they're older. it's unfair they have to grow up without a father, but i'd like to see what you make of them." his gaze averted hers-- averted her. he did not want to look at her-- after all he'd told her, if this is what she was going to do to him. so be it.

She didn't believe herself capable of cruelty until now.

He didn't tell her he loved her, too.  He didn't even tell her he couldn't go with her.  Just as quickly as he had once torn down her walls she scrambled to force them back up, but his words were able to hit her before she could manage.  

She wanted to argue with him.  She wanted to throw it in his face just as he had done to her. I'm not keeping them from you, she thinks with a flush of indignation, but she cannot say anything out loud.  This was the biggest and bravest and most selfless thing she had ever done.  She could've remained blind to the plight they'd forced upon the wolves of Sunspire to have her happy little family.  Truly, it was more than anything else she'd ever wanted.

But of course he couldn't see it that way.  Men, they never did.  If she were stronger she wouldn't let him see her cry, but she couldn't help the way his words twisted inside her heart.  Her quaking legs threatened to buckle from beneath her as her chest tightened and his words combined with the words of @Mato as they banged around in her head.

Was this what she had done to him?

Her watered eyes flicked to her husband's face, which was inscrutable and cold.  A second, biting thought came to her then.  He was more like Mato than she had ever known.  She forces herself to swallow before she shakily tells him, I still love you, and then she turns tail and runs to @Olive before the full panic sets in.

she always ran. 

terance wasn't surprised as she whimpered and wept another reminder of her love before turning and running. another side of terance would've taken off after her. but what good was it? what good was her telling her that she loved him? what good was him saying it back? it changed nothing.

seabreeze may have loved him, and him her, but it wasn't enough for her to stay. 

and what was the point in fighting? terance fought day in and day out for everyone he loved. he worked himself half to death every day to ensure every wolf in this god forsaken pack was safe.

but it wasn't enough. and terance was done fighting.