Blackfeather Woods i took the stars from my eyes and made a man

@Aries maybe? aw though!<3
some history details have been dropped!

the earth is spongy underpaw and it only takes a moment to realise that it is simply slick with none other than the blood of both enemies and allies but still all wolves, all her own kind. it's considered so natural now to have to stand on the remnants of the fallen and suddenly she doubles over- a gag escaping her blackened lips before morphing into a hitched moan. although she stands now on the dark hill as an adult- the memory stems from the mind of a yearling. she can feel the fresh, untreated wounds cut into her flesh burning as they were left to fester and most of all she can feel the fear. it's all mixed in with disgust, self-hate and pain but it rolls together to create the nastiest fear. there's also the loneliness, as crippling as the exhausted anxiety keeping her on edge. the only way to stay alive.

screams
cries
snarls of glory, outrage and loss
and blood...
so
much
blood.

it fills her nose, her mouth and suddenly all she can see is red and her fur is slicked to her sides as she struggles against the thick liquid suddenly engulfing her. yet such feeble movements are nothing and she's quickly overpowered by the crimson substance- the hot stench filling everything and the urge to puke is prominent yet her stomach's rolls can do nothing against the tide as suddenly her lungs are full and she's drowning. but maybe she deserves it, is this the blood of the wolves she's slain? or the comrades that have fallen on her orders. all she can see is red and she's falling, falling, falling....

she's back on the hill but whilst before everything was observed through fiery, vivid images- now everything feels icy cold. the burning wounds are sharp scars but the pain is dull and distant. the screams sound as if they're coming from deep under muddy waters and the wolves falling are bloodless and inanimate shadowy figures. she feels nothing and like a bird of prey she descends upon the remaining shadow wolves on massive black wings of death that block out all the light until there's just nothing.

now she's back on the hill and there's something else this time. like the first green sprout after a forest fire that's charred everything else to blackened ashes- hope begins to blossom. because she's no longer by herself, he's there and pain blossoms in her present self- strong enough to penetrate the haze at the sight of him. this time things are vibrant once more as they stand on the hill but the vibrancy is one of stardust and emerald blades of grass swaying in the breeze. everything is fresh. there's more too, another presence this time within her. she's pregnant. they stand together- soft earthen fur mixing with her ghostly hairs. eyes of sage meet dark orbs and they smile before looking up to the sky. it's nearly time, time for them to go and seek their great perhaps. 

back in the real world she shifts slightly, the softest of whimpers drifting from a sleeping but clearly distressed form. she knows what's about to come and she cannot bear the idea of reliving it.

she lies injured, blood pooling from her hindlegs as her broken body heaves with sobs. they're gone, her children....and with them her hope of a future. bleary eyes lift as he reaches her, shouting something she can't quite understand but the panic in his gems for eyes will never be forgotten. then they're there and she's screaming but she's useless as they launch themselves upon him and just like that, right in front of her- he is torn to pieces- the one wolf she'd ever come to care about, to love with the intensity of a thousand fires. unable to do anything but lie in her own mess and scream, she feels a part of herself die with him and all she can do is SCREAM, SCREAM

SCREAM.

"FAOLAN
NO
FUCK
FAOLAN
PLEASE NO
NO
FAOLAN!!"

a gasp is all that's emitted to express her distress as she is sent tumbling back to the present via waking up. her fur is stuck to her sides with sweat as she pants heavily, eyes wide and panicked. fuck, fuck, fuck,

fUCK

she hadn't had such a vivid dream in a long time and has no clue what brought it on as a quiet moan drifts from her and her head falls upon pale paws- eyes squeezed shut. his name, his damn name. she hadn't even allowed herself to think it since that day, it'd hurt so much so she'd resigned to referring to him as he. a strange coping mechanism but she'd convinced herself it'd helped wether it did or not. her throat is bone dry as her tongue runs over cracked lips, it feels like she'd been screaming outside of her dream state despite it not being true. but right now she just knew she needed water, that she could do, right?

swallowing, she pushes herself shakily to her paws and stumbles through the forest- lacking her usual grace until she comes across the first water source. crouching down she focuses on nothing more than lapping up the cool liquid- starting to feel better as the remnants of the dream begin to fade as the soft noises of her forest in the depths of night come forth to soothe her. still, she's shaken and as she remains crouched at the water's edge, she can see the shine to her eyes despite no tears managing to break through as the stars continue to twinkle tauntingly high above.