Stone Circle Dear dad,

It was him at his grave all night.

Neck reached for his grave as starlight mourned bright,
and he in shade as he’d always been.

Feet cold. Thoughts in disgust. Breath he could not breathe.

You’ve done me a disservice, you know?

His eyes felt a terrible weight. Like they wouldn’t open through the dry sting that came from sorrow too long.

Leaving like this.

Every rib burned with the ache of his chest; how it tightened beyond his control, how he could not stop. Until he could not control anything. That he felt as though his vessel would not move, and would not live.

How ill is that?

How pathetic is that?

Who do you think you are?

He clenched again, his nose unable, his chest unable, his throat unable to keep up with the sudden onslaught of breath that came out of his prior still body.

To die.

All of his legs threatened to come crashing down.

To create this family of yours and leave it behind.

Who are you to have one?

You never deserved it.

World, weight me down. Crash down upon me. Smother these inadequate hands and all my sins.

I used to think you were someone to look up to.

I hated every second of you.

Hated how you looked at me.

World, crash.

Hated how you smiled at me.

World, burn.

Hated how you laughed.

I hated more how you made me hate you.

His chest. His throat. His eyes.

World, crash.

World, crash. Great world, crash.

I hated even more how you looked to solve every problem.

How everyone saw you as more than you were.

You’ve proven that now, haven’t you?

Hours passed.

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☾

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And they passed again.

I hated even more that you were perfect.

I hated how you could see good where there was none.

God, his chest. His breath broken.

I hate that you’re gone.

I hate even more that you left me behind.

I hate that I could never be angry with you.

I hate that I was never angry at all.

I hate that you always saw that.

I hate that I couldn’t hide it.

I hate that you showed me love.

I hate that I’ve done this to you.

I hate that I can never see you.

I hate that you deserved your family in every way.

I hate that I’ll never be you.

I hate that you thought I could be someone.

I hate that you’ve given me everything.

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☾

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The night continued to walk.

I hate you.

I hate that I still don’t.

He’s always been a liar.

I have nowhere to go. No one to see.

There is no one left that I have not pushed away.

He shattered in pieces that were not there. 

A thousand worlds are broken.

I hate how I feel so behind.

I hate that I want to say I miss you.

I hate that I don’t know how.

I hate that I feel you.

I hate that I never got to be a son.

…

So, I’m here now.

Alone again.

What am I supposed to do now?

I’ve spent so much time alone.

I don’t remember what it feels like to not be.

I don’t think I have been.

But I guess now I might know.

How I know what it’s like to not see you on quiet nights.

How I know what it's like to see your footprints fade in the soils;

I have followed them faithfully each day.

From the day that I've known you.

And you never knew.

His eyes rolled in a blur across the sky, seeing light piercing in rays through his vision. Everything was soft.

You weren’t supposed to do this to me.

He could hardly keep his mouth closed, his head still from swaying to meet the earth at his grave.

Are these what the stones are for?

To rest you?

He didn’t know anymore.

I’ve spent so much time thinking of her.

How she haunts me.

How she won't leave me alone.

How I envy her every breath.

How one night of mistake will not pass me.

How there is nothing I can do

To escape her thought.

How everything leads me to her through time and beyond.

No matter where I go.

She has been there.

Tormenting me.

But I’ve realized something.

That maybe everything I’ve gone through was never leading me back to her.

But to you.

He breathed once.

I’m sorry I failed you.

I’m sorry I never lived up to you.

I don’t have a father.

Or a mom.

Or an aunt.

Or an uncle.

And you were never a Fadir to me.

And though I was never the boy you wanted; I was your son.

And you were my dad.