Sun Mote Copse of a leather seat between your legs

idk timeline sorry

okay. let's go over the basics. tegan had 1. run away from home. 2. probably cried a lot. 3. tried to figure out what the fuck he was gonna do now because he sure as fuck wasn't ever going back to the plateau. and 4. ... actually idk what 4 is. and, look, idk where tegan has been. gone. it's a mystery to us both. he must've completely blacked out. he was absolutely not on the plateau, though, i know that much. i haven't made a new thread with him in like 2 months. not my problem. either way, he's at the copse now. okay? okay. moving on.

he needed to go far far away. that was... about all he knew, all he'd planned for. but before anything, he needed to say goodbye. to who? to ole mommerz, duh. despite everything, he was a mama's boy through and through. so, he arrived at the copse and tipped his head back to call for @Finley. hoping no other fuckers showed up.

Finley was yet blissfully unaware of the turmoil going on at the Plateau, though one couldn’t really call her state of being bliss even with her ignorance. Wildfire’s absence was constantly with her, constantly aching and plaguing her every thought and action. Eljay wasn’t the only one who seemed unable to get over her death. He simply showed it in a far more obvious way. Fin kept her heartache buried away where she hoped it couldn’t be seen. Her family needed her to be strong, so she was, but only in appearance. Inside she was still a devastated mother grieving the loss of her child.

Losing Wildfire wasn’t like losing her other kids. Those who had left the nest and were wandering the world were at least still alive and hopefully well. When Lucy had been taken, Fin was at least able to cling to some hope that she too was alive and well. But Wildfire was just gone. There was no way to console herself that she was at least happy in her new life somewhere, nor that she might come back into her life one day. She was gone, and she wasn’t coming back.

Fin had excused herself from the den with a cheerful smile, claiming to just need to stretch her legs for a bit. The moment she had turned her back on them though, her expression had crumpled into the misery she didn’t want them to see. It was torturous trying to heal but seeing her son and her granddaughter so despondent day after day after day. She just needed a bit of time to herself to let herself feel the way she really did. No masks, no pretending. Just heartbreak and tears.

Tegan had other plans for her though, it seemed. Her ears perked when not ten minutes after leaving the den, she heard his call. She struggled for a moment to answer, her immediate reaction to crumple and rebel against being seen now. It was too much, she couldn’t handle pretending just now for another second, it was just too hard. But in the end, Finley mastered herself and eventually approached her son with that false smile and happy demeanor.

”Hey kid,” Fin crooned, sweeping in to embrace him and give his ear a good snuffle, ”To what do we owe the pleasure?”

when finley finally arrived, tegan noted the salty smell on her fur. he wondered if she’d recently been to beach — and if she had, why? he melted into her embrace, using a paw to hold on a little tighter than he meant to, and even if finley went to let go tegan would hold on a little longer. he needed this. he hadn’t had it in a while... and he missed his mama more than the air he breathed. 

truthfully, selfishly, tegan hadn’t really thought about how wildfires death had affected her until now. to be fair, redhawks weren’t often on tegans mind... but as he pulled apart he remembered that he wasn’t the only one having a hard time. he looked at her rather sadly. how’s eljay? he asked quietly. the rest could hold off... if for anything but to prolong the last time he’d ever see his mama.

Fin was okay with the tight hold. She wasn't feeling particularly inclined to let him go either, given her secret melancholy. She knew she had failed her kids that had remained at the Plateau. While she had done her best to visit them regularly, it hadn't been nearly as often as she had originally planned. Things just kept getting in the way, over and over. Eljay's litter, her own pregnancy, her litter, and now this... It always felt like there was something forcing her to fail as a mother, but she also had to keep reminding herself that this was how it was supposed to be. There was supposed to be distance between parents and their children. They were supposed to grow independent, even if you had to force it to happen sometimes, as she had decided to do when they'd moved to the Copse.

If she was being honest, Fin had considered it a mistake every day since she'd made the decision. It was too late to go back now, though. Eljay needed her more than any of her kids ever had, as least as far as she was aware.

"Not well," Fin confessed with a sigh, "He's just as distraught now as he was the day it happened. I don't... I don't know what to do for him." She shook her head, looking away as she felt her armor slipping. She took a moment to slip it back into place before looking back at Tegan and giving him a smile. "Everything okay at the Plateau?" she asked, eager to change the subject to something happier.

just realized i forgot the s on 'leg' smh 

tegan frowned, honestly a little sad to hear that. even though he definitely thought eljay was lame... he was family, and he made mom happy, so by extension tegan definitely cared about him. i don't think there's anything you can do, tegan said, sort of like it was obvious but also spitting some skraight fyre srs wisdom, he's just gonna move at his own pace -- and you know how slow he moves. 

to finley's next question, she probably knew the answer just by the look on his face and the silence that followed it. he looked away -- down and to the left. mom? tegan asked quietly instead of answering her directly, am i a disappointment? he looked up, then, just his eyes. is that why you and dad decided to leave with clover and eljay? because you liked them better? because you were more proud of them?

Fin nodded, knowing Tegan's advice was solid and also pretty much her only option. Eljay had always been an emotional wolf that took his time growing comfortable and moving past hardships. The simplest things had always set him back so far, so it made perfect sense that something this tragic would take him so much more to get through than anything had before. Still, it was difficult for Fin to see her children suffer and just sit by, unable to do anything to help them.

Tegan's reaction to her question was... unexpected. She peered at him curiously, only then noting he looked a bit disheveled. And had his ear always been like that? Before Finley could chide herself for being such a terrible mother as to even question whether a torn ear was a new feature or not on her own kid, he was startling her into stillness with his question.

"No," she said immediately, clearly surprised and confused by the suggestion, "Dad and I left because we felt it was the right thing for us. We didn't go so we could be with Eljay or with Clover, or even with Wildfire. We didn't want to raise a new litter on a Plateau half covered in water. And I didn't want to stay in a place that was so hard for me to get around with my stupid hip and all. It wasn't about you being a disappointment. You're not even capable of being a disappointment to me, or to your dad."

It occurred to her that she couldn't really remember what reasons they'd given to their kids for leaving when they'd made their announcement. Clearly whatever they'd said had not been the right thing if it left any of them feeling like this.

to finley's response, there was neither relief or disbelief at the statement. instead, there was anger, and tegan became visibly agitated at the comment. if the plateau is so fucking dangerous, then why the fuck did we move there? he asked rather bluntly, only to immediately regret talking to his mother in that tone. his ears flattened. he clarified... very quietly. 

towhee's leaving to raise her stupid kids somewhere else too, he told finley, ears still pressed to his head. she'd probably understand the context of that. or maybe she wouldn't -- he was kind of all over the place.

tegan didn't comment on the fact that he probably was a disappointment... not yet.

His outburst caused a sharp frown to shoot across her face. He seemed to feel bad about it almost instantly, so she didn't chastise him for it. She remained quiet as he continued in a much smaller voice, something that shocked her almost as completely as his question about being a disappointment. Of all the kids she had, both her own and dibsed, Towhee was the absolute last one she would ever have expected to leave the Redhawks.

It took her a moment to find words again. "Do you know where they're going?" she asked, not finding in her any reason to try and defend their choice of the Plateau. It had been the right one at the time. Actually, it had felt like the only one given how desperate and afraid they'd felt, and how heartbroken she'd personally been over their abandonment of the Caldera. She'd always been anxious about having newborns there, but it wasn't until a solution presented itself in the Copse that she'd decided it was enough to make her act.

tegan shook his head, feeling more and more guilty by the second... but he had to be candid to his mother. he had to be. there wasn't a bone in his body that let him lie to finley, who despite leaving him, had been the best mother a son could ever ask for. tegan was convinced this would be the last time he saw her, and so he didn't want her to find anything out about her that was... well. bad. he could tell her himself. 

i hope towhee burns in hell, he said, as candid as could be.

Fin stared at her son as he said what he did. She didn't know what exactly had happened between him and Towhee to make him hate her so much. Was it really because she had left the Plateau? Or had something else happened? She realized reluctantly why this was likely such a sensitive subject for him. It was her fault. She had started this by being the first to leave, and her son had been spiralling ever since.

"Tegan... Wildfire just died," she said quietly, "You might not have known her, but she was as much a daughter to me as any of your sisters. And now she's dead, and I will never see her again. Ever." Fin paused, not knowing where she was even going with this. Her armor was cracking. She was too filled with grief and remorse to clearly think through her words. If there was a right thing or a wrong thing to say, she couldn't come up with it. She just spoke. "Did you come here to tell me you want another of my kids dead?"

tegan teeth gritted, gaze averting again as finley began to speak. she was making way more sense than tegan had ever made in his life, but he was angry. he was hurting. whatever outlets he used to have were gone now, and he was now just floating through life and failing miserably.

his face was turned into a scowl, and he stared ahead silently before finally saying. i came here to say goodbye, he told her, adding another name to the list of wolves she'd never see again, i'm tired of being left behind. tired of failing. of letting down. of not being the wolf that apparently everyone expected him to be. tegan had always had high self confidence -- and truly he still did -- but blow after blow was really tearing away whatever facade he'd put up.

Fin didn't really mean to accuse him of anything. She didn't really... Well, she didn't really know what she was aiming for because she mostly just didn't understand what it was her son wanted from her. Not even when he dropped the bomb that had apparently been his whole intention for coming here did she understand. Either because she was too stricken with grief still from what she'd lost, or because she loved him too much to accept what it seemed like he was trying to do.

"Okay," Fin said slowly, clearly confused and trying to comprehend while also trying to not infuriate or hurt her son further. If she knew one thing clearly it was that all of this was coming from a place of hurt--more specifically from a wound she had been the first to cut (though not the last). "But.. Tegan," Fin started, then paused again and just frowned at him sadly, worriedly, and if she was being honest, a bit angrily. And... disappointedly (if that's a word). She knew without needing clarification that he was telling her he planned to leave the Wilds, and she also understood that it was being driven by the fact that he felt so alone after all he'd been through. But still, she struggled to figure out what to say in response to this revelation for a moment, but eventually she just sighed as defeat and exhaustion over trying to keep everything in balance (and failing miserably) overcame her.

"Tegan, you know I love the hell out of you and I will support you in whatever you feel you need to do in your life to make a good one for yourself, and to find one that makes you happy," Fin said, shaking her head, "So I need to know that you're saying good bye to me right now because you truly feel this is your road to happiness, and not because you're trying to spite me and everyone else you feel has wronged you. Because doing shit just to hurt other people doesn't make you feel better. I've tried. It makes you feel worse. So if it really will make you happy, then you're free to say good bye and hurt me as much as you want and I will love you and wish you well with everything that I have and everything that I am. But please don't do this if it's going to just end up hurting you more."

Fin stared at him, tears welling in her eyes for she realized that there was likely no hope for keeping him here. After all, how would Tegan truly understand his motivators and what would come of them if he didn't at least try? All she could hope for was that she might yet get him to promise it wouldn't be good bye forever, unless he really did find a life for himself somewhere else that brought him happiness and that life didn't include her.

the more his mom spoke the more frustrated tegan became. of course she was going to try to keep him here... what else were mothers for? tegan knew his mother didn't hate him -- and he couldn't reiterate enough times how much he loved his mom. as angry as he was in the face of towhee, and as cruel of things as he had done... he could hardly stand to be angry in her presence. especially as she spoke to him -- she didn't understand, tegan realized, and it was probably because he had never bothered to tell anyone how far he'd sank... if everyone saw how weak he was then they most certainly wouldn't have taken him seriously -- right? 

but it wouldn't matter now, he figured, he was leaving anyway. 

his expression, angry and twisted into a dirty scowl was aimed away from finley -- but it didn't last much longer. as tegan clung to one last shred of hatred, which was so hard to keep hold of around his dear mother, tegan tried to justify to her what he was doing. instead of a longwinded explanation, it came as a single, shakey comment. i'm tired of trying, mom, he said, voice cracking, every ounce of anger falling away at once. i've done everything in my power to be happy, he tried again, ears still slicked back, its too hard here, mom. i don't know if i'll find anything somewhere else, but if i don't leave i'm going to die alone on that fucking plateau. 

as much as he hated all the wolves who had ever wronged him, tegan resented himself more than anyone for not being able to move on. for not being able to be as strong as his father -- who tegan had never seen cry before. for not being able to acquire the respect he demanded like quixote or colt or towhee. for not finding friendships as strong as the ones he watched other people forge. he was a pussy, and  probably just as sensitive as eljay -- the only difference is that no one had ever left eljay behind on purpose. 

whoever i am is not here, mom. i'm literally fucking suffocating underneath the redhawk name and i just can't be associated with it anymore. after all, it's hard to find sunlight when you've lived in shadows your whole life.

Fin listened quietly as he spoke, and though his words stung her deeply, she felt an odd sense of relief. He didn't spit anger at her or tell her to go fuck herself or blame her or anything like that as she might've done when she had been his age. His words were full of teenage drama and angst, but it came from an honest place. She could ask for no more of him. If there was anything she had learned from motherhood it was that children needed to find their own way, and most of the time that meant making mistakes. But how could she begrudge them that right? This whole ordeal was testament to the fact that even adults made them too.

She didn't try to console him, or change his mind about the way he felt. He felt how he did, and Fin knew too well what it was like to be in a dark place with people shining lights that were meant to help you see, but just ended up blinding you because your eyes hadn't adjusted yet. So, she merely stepped forward and pulled him back into her arms, swallowing the lump in her throat as best as she could. She had lost so much these past couple of weeks, but that really didn't matter in this particular moment. Tegan was her world just now. She could set aside the rest for him.

"Then just promise me you'll be safe and you'll be happy," Fin choked out as she breathed his scent as deeply into her as she could, "And that you'll never forget you can always come home if that's where you want to be. You will always have a place here."

thank fucking jesus christ alright, tegan was so happy for the soap-boxing to be over... it made him feel less bad about being such a good for nothing shitty ass wolf. kind of. he felt bad that he thought that, now. whatever... ugh. he was just glad to be held again... even though it also meant the conversation was coming to a close. 

into her fur, tegan muttered, i'm sorry i hate everyone, mom. he meant that, too. it wasn't his fault everyone was so damn shitty, honestly, but he wished he could just let bygones be bygones. but i love you. thank you for being cool. because it was important to make note that finley was, in fact, a cool mom. was this the time for it? yeah, probably not, but tegan's never had a filter and a weird sappy post isn't gonna change that.

In spite of how awful she felt, Fin couldn't help but huff a laugh at her son's comment. "Sometimes everyone sucks, kid," she confessed, wanting him to know that he wasn't wrong for being angry. He had been wronged and ill-treated. He had a right to be angry. All she wanted for was him to not be so consumed by it that he ruined his own life. He had so much of it ahead of him, and all she wanted was for it to be good.

"I love you too, you little shit," she said, her tears falling now as she fought to hang onto her smile as well as to hang onto him, "Don't ever stop being you, and making up weird ways of saying things that both amuse and confuse people, including me." She didn't want to let go of him, but she soon enough had to as her desire to see his face outweighed her need to keep him close. She wanted to soak in every inch of it so she could hold it in her heart forever. Not that there was any chance in hell of her ever forgetting it.

"You'll always be on my mind. Take care of yourself, and..." Finley paused, knowing she was going to butcher this because she had not once ever understood what it meant when he'd said it, but she was a cool mom so, "...don't fall out of any pockets."

his tail thumped against the ground at the comment, specifically the second part. despite how sad and angry and even a little cruel he was, tegan was at his core just that. a little shit. i'll try to come around again. i dunno. maybe i'll try to find easy... er, blackbear, tegan said, trying to give his mom a rough agenda of his path even though that was roughly uhm. not helpful. 

i never been in a pocket a day in my life, tegan reminded his mom then, and pulled away reluctantly from her embrace. he glanced away, ears flicking a few times. then, sneakily, he glanced back at her. can you at least admit to me i'm the favorite? i won't tell anyone -- swear, he said, pressing a shit eating grin onto his features. he was still incredibly sad, but he pushed it aside for finley's sake.

Fin couldn't help but laugh when Tegan proceeded to subtly inform her that she still, after all this time, did not understand what it meant to be out of pocket. She shook her head lightly, accepting that she did not know and that she would likely never know. It seemed to her that it was better to not know, though, so she didn't ask. This was what their relationship was meant to be--Him saying absurd things to make her laugh while she attempted to say the same and did it entirely wrong so he could join in the laughter. There was more to it, of course. There would always be more to the relationship between a mother and son. But Fin preferred not to sink too deep. This was all they needed it to be.

She gave him a mirthful frown as he pressed her to do the unthinkable. She knew she ought to reprimand him and remind him that she loved all of her children equally. She didn't want him to turn into some entitled, spoiled pup with an inflated sense of self-importance. But, given the gravity of the situation, she merely rolled her eyes and sighed. "You are my favorite, Tea-shack," she said, then her expression softened as she looked at him and saw him not as the grown man that he was, but as the teensy little puppy he had been when they'd first met, "My wittle baby Fo." Cause Fee (Fiadh), Fi, Fo and Fum. Get it? I didn't play that up nearly enough when they were kids but ah well, that's what's up.

Time moved far too quickly after that. Before she knew it, Tegan was giving her one last hug, one last tearful smile, and then he was gone. Fin had experienced this enough to know how it would feel to see him walk away, to feel that little piece of her heart he carried with him torn and stretched across whatever distance there would be between them. Knowing didn't make it hurt any less, but Finley knew this sort of pain was a mother's privilege to feel. And she would bear it happily if it meant her son was happy, wherever the road would lead him.