The feeling of drowning never quite left her.
Chakliux had gone, leaving Marina to stay with Tullik, to watch and worry for him each day. That worry was a constant, even when she felt hollow and void of all thought. Eventually she regained some semblance of coherency, but was no solace in it. Often she sat in silence, thinking of many things she never put to words. She thought of how powerless she'd been. No one will believe you. She thought of how much worse it could have been, it could have been worse, why was she so — so shattered —
No one could know. She couldn't bear the thought of eyes on her, knowing her shame, knowing how she hadn't fought until the last, seeing how there were no marks on her, not even a bruise, thinking: maybe she wanted it after all. Maybe this is regret. Maybe she loves to lie.
Or maybe she was weak. Which was worse? To be thought a liar or a coward? Either would be a cruelty she didn't think she could take, not now, and either would mean that her packmates would know her as stained. After a few days, she found it in herself to bathe again; straighten up her fur; eat more than a few bites at a time. She held a few short conversations with @Tullik, practicing normalcy. Baby steps.
But when the sun set each evening, Marina retired to Tullik's den, and she did not look at the stars. She didn't think she ever would again.
Chakliux had gone, leaving Marina to stay with Tullik, to watch and worry for him each day. That worry was a constant, even when she felt hollow and void of all thought. Eventually she regained some semblance of coherency, but was no solace in it. Often she sat in silence, thinking of many things she never put to words. She thought of how powerless she'd been. No one will believe you. She thought of how much worse it could have been, it could have been worse, why was she so — so shattered —
No one could know. She couldn't bear the thought of eyes on her, knowing her shame, knowing how she hadn't fought until the last, seeing how there were no marks on her, not even a bruise, thinking: maybe she wanted it after all. Maybe this is regret. Maybe she loves to lie.
Or maybe she was weak. Which was worse? To be thought a liar or a coward? Either would be a cruelty she didn't think she could take, not now, and either would mean that her packmates would know her as stained. After a few days, she found it in herself to bathe again; straighten up her fur; eat more than a few bites at a time. She held a few short conversations with @Tullik, practicing normalcy. Baby steps.
But when the sun set each evening, Marina retired to Tullik's den, and she did not look at the stars. She didn't think she ever would again.
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