Redhawk Caldera damaged

"Right," Pan muttered when Peregrine reminded her that she would never be able to carry and deliver children. She knew that. She didn't want to be this way, but somehow, she still was. When Pantaleimon looked into Perry's questioning eyes, she knew that she had made a mistake by telling him about this. For the first time in her life, Pantaleimon had been happy -- why couldn't she have accepted what she was, what Perry wanted to be with her for, and continued her life as a male, as she had from when she was a month or four, anyway?

Why'd she have to go and make it complicated?

"So..."

It seemed idiotic to Pan that she was so easy and conforming to others, and yet this one thing was something she just couldn't keep to herself in the eyes of her lover. In the time she had spent in Redhawk Caldera, her whole world had started to revolve around Perry. She adored Wildfire, Nightjar and Raven too, of course, and considered the rest of the pack family, but there was no one as special to her as Perry.

Pantaleimon swallowed dryly as she looked up at Peregrine. "I'm s-sorry, maybe I'm just confused," she muttered. "Maybe I'm just brainwashed, from the, y'know, being raised as inferior," she said while looking away from his gaze, afraid he would notice that she was lying. "Maybe I just have a lot to learn about what it feels like being a man now that I'm... free." Pan looked up into Perry's eyes again, her longing for him displayed in her own soft, silver eyes. She wanted him -- to be with him, to sleep by his side -- more than anything in the world. It wasn't hard for her to lie, with everything she held so dear at stake.

She would come to terms with herself for it later.