Sun Mote Copse of a leather seat between your legs

the more his mom spoke the more frustrated tegan became. of course she was going to try to keep him here... what else were mothers for? tegan knew his mother didn't hate him -- and he couldn't reiterate enough times how much he loved his mom. as angry as he was in the face of towhee, and as cruel of things as he had done... he could hardly stand to be angry in her presence. especially as she spoke to him -- she didn't understand, tegan realized, and it was probably because he had never bothered to tell anyone how far he'd sank... if everyone saw how weak he was then they most certainly wouldn't have taken him seriously -- right? 

but it wouldn't matter now, he figured, he was leaving anyway. 

his expression, angry and twisted into a dirty scowl was aimed away from finley -- but it didn't last much longer. as tegan clung to one last shred of hatred, which was so hard to keep hold of around his dear mother, tegan tried to justify to her what he was doing. instead of a longwinded explanation, it came as a single, shakey comment. i'm tired of trying, mom, he said, voice cracking, every ounce of anger falling away at once. i've done everything in my power to be happy, he tried again, ears still slicked back, its too hard here, mom. i don't know if i'll find anything somewhere else, but if i don't leave i'm going to die alone on that fucking plateau. 

as much as he hated all the wolves who had ever wronged him, tegan resented himself more than anyone for not being able to move on. for not being able to be as strong as his father -- who tegan had never seen cry before. for not being able to acquire the respect he demanded like quixote or colt or towhee. for not finding friendships as strong as the ones he watched other people forge. he was a pussy, and  probably just as sensitive as eljay -- the only difference is that no one had ever left eljay behind on purpose. 

whoever i am is not here, mom. i'm literally fucking suffocating underneath the redhawk name and i just can't be associated with it anymore. after all, it's hard to find sunlight when you've lived in shadows your whole life.