Heron Lake Plateau I'm staring down myself, counting up the years

Not long after Artaax finally turned and left, breaking his mother's heart and filling her with dread in one swift blow, Wildfire sought to find @Kiwi. She needed to talk to Bat and Sequoia as well, though she wanted to start with the daughter who'd actually witnessed the altercation. She couldn't have gone far.

When she caught up to Kiwi, Wildfire's planned speech escaped her. She found herself saying, "I'm so sorry I dragged you into this. I should've known this would happen. I didn't really believe..." But what did it matter what she believed? Artaax had more or less disowned her, then implied he would return, likely with reinforcements. Wildfire knew they could count on the Redhawks to keep them safe, yet now it occurred to her that she might have brought not just irate yearlings but real, actual war to their doorstep.

"There's a very real possibility your brother will return with other Drakru, intent to harm us," she began slowly, looking into Kiwi's eyes, "which could mean war." She paused to take a shuddering breath. She needed to talk to Quixote and Raven about this but, in this moment, she valued Kiwi's opinion first and foremost, and said as much. "You're very nearly an adult, so I value what you think. Should we stay here, knowing we may have to fight for our lives against our own family, or do you think we should go somewhere else, somewhere safe, and avoid involving the Redhawks?"

There was a third option, of course: Wildfire could leave her daughters here and flee in the hopes that Artaax's—and Drageda's—anger would bypass them in its pursuit of her. But that was a risk and the last thing Wildfire wanted to do. Maybe it would occur to Kiwi and she'd put it out there. Holding her breath now, the huntress waited to see what her daughter would say.

Their meeting had given Kiwi a lot to think about, but she was mostly just angry.  She didn't wait around after for Wildfire, but took off after to try and cool down.  It didn't work.

By the time her mother came, she was flopped down, chewing on a convenient stick and pretending it was Artaax's face.  She stopped though when she saw her mom, but didn't sit up.

Kiwi listened as she apologized, but was already shaking her head before she had even finished.  She got that her mom was worried, but no way.  Kiwi loved a good logical argument, but she also had a stubborn streak a mile wide.

I hope he does come back. She responded darkly, not acknowledging the apologies because they were dumb and this wasn't her fault.  They don't get to tell us where to go.  She was adamant on that.  The only ones who had ever had the right to do that were her parents, and even they not unconditionally.

Kiwi seemed entirely unconcerned about the possibility of their loved ones darkening their doorstep with murderous intent. Somehow, this relaxed the tightly wound Wildfire somewhat. Without saying anything else, she folded onto her haunches beside her daughter, letting out a long sigh. She bent down to nose the crown of the youth's head. She knew she shouldn't simply go by Kiwi's opinion—she was only one wolf, a young one at that—but Wildfire appreciated her almost blasé attitude. Perhaps it was simply because Kiwi's take couldn't have been more different than Artaax's.

It wasn't surprising that brother and sister should differ so much. Thuringwethil had raised Artaax, Blixen and Bobby, whereas Wildfire had raised Bat (sorta), Kiwi, Silkie and Tux. Their upbringings could not have differed more starkly in her mind just then. She sighed again, this time a little angrily. She hadn't left her first litter willingly, whereas their nomi had walked away under her own power, determining the war effort more important than her family. But before these feelings could gain any steam, Wildfire pushed them aside. The past didn't really matter right now, it was the future that needed consideration.

"I love your spirit, Kiwi," Wildfire eventually said, turning a half-smile upon her daughter, "and I hope you never change." A third and resigned sigh emptied from her. "You may be young but you're also wise. I think you're right. I don't think we should let them chase us away, as if we've done something wrong." She paused. "I know you already know this but I still want to say it: deciding to come here, with me? There was nothing wrong with that decision. It's okay to make choices for yourself. I don't want anyone to ever convince you otherwise. I don't want you to ever feel like you must be blindly loyal to me, to a pack, to anyone but yourself. Sometimes, your choices will hurt others. But as long as you're just trying to look after yourself, not hurt anybody just for the sake of it, then you shouldn't feel blame or guilt," she finished, chestnut eyes gazing off into space, speaking to herself as much as to Kiwi.

Her temper calmed considerably as her mom stated the obvious, praising her wisdom on this and saying she appreciated her.  Of course she was wise.  There was nothing worse than letting someone else win when you yourself were right, and they hadn't done anything wrong because others had done wrong first.

She listened as Wildfire reiterated that further, then came close to lean up against her mom, happy to have her company to herself.   I know.  There had been a long, rough stretch in Drageda where she'd been hard to be around, a stretch that had gotten worse after Bat left (Starr assumes).  Another reason her sister didn't merit forgiving yet.  But here she seemed happier, and Kiwi was again glad she'd decided to come along.

I don't think Nomi would hurt us, she said finally, her voice a little quieter than it had been.  There'd been a time she'd been like Artaax, and worshipped the ground heda walked on.  And no matter how mad she'd been, the implication still hurt, quite a bit, that whatever love had been there was so far gone now.

She'd somehow managed to avoid crying this entire time, yet those seven words, out of the mouths of (her) babes, suddenly set off the waterworks. The tears fell fast and hard as Wildfire leaned back into Kiwi, sobs clawing their way up her throat and bursting from her mouth in ragged gasps. Her son had come here, threatened to kill her and her daughters, spat at her in shame... but none of that even compared to the agony of Kiwi having to worry about her own nomi coming here to end her life. That thought alone destroyed Wildfire.

Clutching now at her daughter, she took turns whispering, "I'm sorry," and, "I love you," against Kiwi's neck, dampened by her own tears. "I'm sorry you have to deal with any of this. It shouldn't matter, it shouldn't matter..." In a perfect world—or, hell, a world just slightly less imperfect than this one—Artaax and the others would come visit them from time to time and vice versa, just like Wildfire had always done with the Redhawks. And though she could never regret her relationship with Thuringwethil, the children they'd made together, all the memories... in this moment, Wildfire deeply regretted ever allowing any of her children to grow up in that wretched Drageda.

Oh wow, she set mom off with that one.  Her ears pulled back when Wildfire started wailing, but she didn't pull away.  Instead she leaned in closer, and as she did, her anger came back again.  This time worse, because she hated it when Wildfire cried.  She'd hated it when Bat made it happen and she hated it even worse now.

Her nose screwed up as she tried not to let loose herself, but she was only half successful.  I hope they don't come, she said finally, her voice shaky and held back with held in sobs of her own.  I never wanna see them again. She buried her face in her mom's side and let herself cry too, because if mom was doing it, then she didn't mind her seeing.

In the wake of her mother's devastation, Kiwi's bravado and cavalier attitude dissolved. Holding back tears herself, she softly hoped aloud that nothing would come of any of this. Wildfire held her even more tightly, still crying quite hard, and shook her head up and down. She hoped Artaax would rethink the situation... that Thuringwethil wouldn't do anything with the information if he did give it... that there was nothing to fear, even as natrona.

When her daughter buried her head against her, Wildfire's forelegs came up to embrace the youth's shoulders. Her own crying softened as she gently cradled Kiwi, making soothing noises now. "I wish it didn't have to be like this," she murmured into the fuzzy crown of her child's head. Leaving Drageda never would've been an easy choice, yet it shouldn't have bred this much fear and hatred among loved ones. It should've only been the heartache of a family divided, not broken. Just because Wildfire couldn't be with the commander anymore shouldn't have spelled doom for any of their children, nor their relationships.

A hefty sigh ruffled the furs atop Kiwi's head as Wildfire's crying spell finally wound down completely. "I love you, Kiwi, and I'm happy you're here with me, despite everything." She withdrew just far enough to look the girl in the face. With a watery smile, she thought to add, "If you ever decide to go anywhere, just tell me so I can say goodbye and wish you well. I'll wait for you always, with open arms." She shifted the forelimbs still draped around her daughter as if to demonstrate. "Although I secretly hope you'll stay here always," she concluded with a playfully wrinkled (and drippy) nose.

She nodded mutely at first, but Wildfire's insistence succeeded in calming her down, because it brought up someone with whom the anger didn't hurt so much.  Not quite at least; it was an older hurt.

I won't. She said, and meant it.  The thought crossed her mind, and she almost voiced it, but it died on her tongue.  Unlike Bat.  She didn't want to spoil this by bringing up her sister and hearing a lecture on forgiveness.  Why did you leave? She asked, suddenly curious and keen on a new subject.  You said this was your family, yeah?  What made someone leave where they grew up?  She wasn't going to say never - the idea was interesting.  But she'd never had a reason to want to, well, not until her mom had.  But she couldn't imagine being completely alone.  She didn't know if she liked the concept or not.

"I won't," Kiwi said. Wildfire allowed the words to hearten her as she smiled fondly at her little girl. It didn't quite falter at the unexpected question, though her face took on a more thoughtful expression. She took a moment to collect her thoughts and wipe the teary streaks from her cheeks before answering.

"I was born when the Redhawks lived at the caldera. I lived there until I was about your age, actually. I left to go live with my friend, Floki, at his new pack, Moonspear. He'd helped me find Aunt Flea—who I'd love for you to meet—when she'd gone missing. Anyway," she continued, pausing for a thoughtful breath as she wondered what Kiwi would make of the next bit of this story, "Floki and I fell in love and became mates. But then I was badly hurt by another wolf. Floki and Moonspear's Alpha, Charon, didn't understand what I'd gone through. I ended up leaving Moonspear." Yes, she'd spare her daughter the gory details. "And finding my way to your nomi and Drageda," she concluded with a mild pang.

That made Wildfire look speculatively at her youngest daughter, who would be an adult in a matter of weeks. "I know I didn't really explain myself before we left Drageda, so if you have any questions about that... I'll answer them as honestly as I can."

Kiwi listened as Wildfire told her about not only one, but two homes previous.  She was glad that her mother had left what seemed like an awful place (if she left because of the wolves there, it had to be bad, right?). But something told her now wasn't the time to be saying how glad she was her mom had found Drageda. Nomi might not be around anymore, but imagine having a dad like Ephraim had had, one not nearly as important.

I'm fine, she responded, snuggling into her mom's side.  Honestly her mom's reasons for leaving didn't necessarily interest her.  She had her own and they were good enough to follow.  But she did sit up a second later, with a thought.  Did you and Floki have kids?

Kiwi let her off the hook. Wildfire was glad. She would've told her anything she wanted to know (within reason) but it was probably better this way. She didn't want to burden her daughter with such matters. Kiwi wasn't a baby anymore, though the mother was still protective and didn't want to darken the girl's world any more than necessary.

The question came out of left field and surprised a laugh from Wildfire. "No!" she said quickly, nipping at Kiwi's cheek. "Were you hoping for even more brothers and sisters? But no, I was too young at the time we were together." She stopped there, lapsing into a ponderous silence. Life would've been a lot different if not for Goober, though as she looked at her daughter, she couldn't regret any of it—even the darkest, foulest bits—because, otherwise, she wouldn't have Kiwi and this important moment of mother/daughter bonding.

More brothers and sisters!? No!  Well, I don't know. Maybe it would be nice to have one or two that didn't hate her.  Or she didn't hate.  Best not bring that up.  That's what mates do right? Unless she was mistaken.

Which reminded her.  Towhee asked me how we had two moms.  I told her to ask you, she started, pure curiosity filling her.  Portia had (I think?) given her the what's what in that department, but Kiwi had never asked for particulars.  We don't have a dad, right?

"Many do, yes," Wildfire answered. It was a natural drive, even for wolves in unorthodox arrangements, like the one she'd been in for years. Speaking of which, Kiwi brought up the same-sex dynamic, via Towhee. She wondered about the context of such a personal question, though maybe her deaf sister was genuinely confused about the mechanics.

"You have me and your nomi," the mother answered, swallowing a small lump in her throat at the reference to the estranged commander. "There was a donor involved. Do you remember Étoille?"

So they did, but they didn't.  She did remember Toll, he had been one of the ones she really liked of the Drageda adults.  And then, like Nomi, he'd left them behind.

Yeah.  He wasn't her mate, but he was their dad?  Kiwi wasn't sure how that worked, but honestly, that one she wasn't curious enough to ask about.  Some weird mom thing.

Can we go hunt? She asked, after a minute.  Her mom had at one point been a master of the trade, and she still loved learning from her when possible, even if she was growing into herself.  It was a good way to change the subject and get her mind off of those they had left behind too.

Rather than press the issue, Kiwi asked if they could hunt instead. Wildfire suppressed the bark of laughter that surged into her throat. She would've answered any other questions, though it amused her that the details beyond that didn't seem to matter much to Kiwi. They really shouldn't anyway. Étoille had contributed the necessary genetic material—and he'd played the role of an additional guardian and sitter during the early days—but that was it.

"Of course," the mother replied, reaching to nose Kiwi's cheek, then ruffle the reddish brown fur on the crown of her head. "I think I smelled a warren near the thicket," which wasn't far from their current location near the borderline. "I'm in the mood for rabbit if you are." Wildfire picked up her feet and began to move in that direction.

I figured you could post again or archive! :)