Lost Creek Hollow are you worth your weight in gold? cause youre behind [m]y eyelids when i'm all alone

now that he finally has @Alamar alone, with most of his attention available, he finds himself suddenly nervous and blank. there are so many things he wants to know about him, so many questions he's thought to ask, but now he doesn't know where to start. he swallows, glancing to the slightly taller wolf at his side and briefly getting distracted with staring. when he finally forces his eyes away, he thinks of something. y'know, um... i used to keep a garden. back at... he doesn't like to say the name anymore. alamar knows that, so he continues. do you like gardening? i know um, you know a lot about herbs.

he used to choose to ignore the stares that come his way, ocean eyes a haunting image that creep upon him and leave him fleeing. yet now he basks in them, wondering what exactly that jaime sees that keeps him staring openly as he does. alamar doesn’t give hints that he is aware.
yet the starter conversation draws him on edge, the mere hint of the past a reminder of the weight, the suffocation—how badly he wished his attempts had been successful—how badly he wishes he weren’t a coward.
hn, never… thought much about gardening, he lies, do you want one again?

sometimes i do, he admits, glancing to alamar again as he speaks. the idea of introducing him to gardening is an exciting one, especially given the usefulness to alamar's other skills. maybe we could make one together. i'm not the best at it, but we can learn more together. um, if you want to. i can try to grow some herbs for you even if you aren't interested in gardening.

it’s a good idea, one that jaime seems eager about—a kid in a candy store, a boy showing off to his crush wanting to impress, those sort of vibes. alamar nods.
sounds good, he pauses, allowing blue eyes to observe nature around them as they continue their leisure walk—a play, as if he isn’t hyperaware. you could teach me what you know, but, before that, should probably find a place to settle like you wanted.
fuck, he didn’t mean to let that slip, or to remind him about it. alamar doesn’t take it back though.

his excitement fades a little at the reminder, and he finds himself lost for a moment. he doesn't really want to join a pack — it just seems logical to try, at least once. but he isn't eager for it, and thinking about it is the last thing he wants right now. thankfully, something distracts him — bright berries of a kind he's seen before. his focus shifts quickly. oh — those berries... he changes course to inspect them. i've tried these before. they're... good. weird, though — they make you feel different. i've never heard of anything else like them. he doesn't know the words to describe the experience, but he wishes he did. maybe alamar would like it.

the subject changes—a sudden shift in the wind, and alamar almost wants to call jaime out on it. after all, they’ve been here for a bit now, all with this awkward plan in place, and now he wants to avoid following through with it? nu-uh.
never seen ‘em before. he gives the berries a once-over, questioning in judgement if jaime managed to poison himself. but the focus of those blue eyes doesn’t stay on the bright berries, instead, they shift to jaime. why’d you change the subject? what are you planning?

unfortunately, alamar seems more interested in continuing their conversation. he freezes for a moment, glancing up guiltily. i... i'm just a little nervous. it seems like the right thing to do, but we haven't really found anywhere, and it's... not really what i want, he just wants a place to feel comfortable, accepted. he feels a lot of things with alamar, but not those things; not when he's denied any hint of his companion's emotions in most situations. several times he'd thought he could leave, join a pack without him, but that had failed. and now they're here, and jaime is slowly accepting that alamar is a part of him in some irrevocable way. whether he wants it or not. i'm scared of it, but i don't know what else to do.

oh, there it is, finally laid out on the table again. alamar regrets opening the can of worms, but now that he’s popped the lid open, what’s he to do with them? he can’t tape the lid back on.
what he thought jaime wanted this whole time slips through his fingers, the concept misunderstood and their communication further lacking. alamar finds himself frustrated, less at jaime, more-so at himself, as per usual.
sorry… apologies a rare thing from him, but he knows in some cases to admit when he’s fucked up. he’s sorry for a lot more than just this, too.

he doesn't know why alamar is apologizing, but honestly, it doesn't matter to him. in his mind, his companion has done nothing to require an apology. and he hates seeing that look on his face. sometimes he wishes he could curl around him and kiss it away, bring a smile to his handsome features. he wonders what alamar would do if he tried.
he isn't quite that bold, but he can't keep himself from reacting this time. i'm sorry, he echoes with a hint of guilt, a fading murmur as he leans forward to touch his nose to alamar's cheek. if there's any hint of rejection or discomfort, he'll quickly abandon the idea and retreat — otherwise, he lingers, nose trailing gently through alamar's fur.

what are you apologizing fo— he turns his head towards him, just enough that the nose aimed for alamar’s cheek ends up connecting directly with his own. pink upturned nose pressed against the dull grey of alamar’s. he freezes, glancing down at the contact along the edge of his muzzle until he goes a bit cross-eyed.

unfortunately, his plans go a little awry. alamar turns his head, and their noses meet suddenly, freezing jaime in place for a moment. his face flushes. he pulls away after a few beats, licking alamar's nose playfully. vole-breath, he accuses teasingly as he steps back — to lighten the air, to draw attention away from his racing heart and too-warm skin. it shows in his eyes, though, as it always does.

he doesn’t move, part of him fears it—not knowing which way instinct would take him, to rejecting him in some way, or worse, to accepting it. jaime pulls away, relaxing alamar for a split second before a tongue licks his nose. disgruntled, alamar lets instinct take the wheel—the steps that jaime took away, he reclaims, striding close with his long tail arched.
you take that back. a playful glimmer resides in his blue eyes as he stares him down, leaning much too close.

he's never seen this side of alamar before, but he likes it more than he should. his breath hitches as the older boy closes the distance between them, heart bursting, and he isn't sure how he manages to keep from collapsing and melting into the floor. his legs suddenly don't feel very stable, but he's able to keep it from showing — and, to his surprise, pulls together enough brain cells to manage a slightly coy response. make me, the challenge is perhaps a little breathy. he doesn't really mean to make it sexual, not for lack of wanting but for fear of rejection; regardless, he's feeling too light-headed to keep proper control over his reactions.

eyes widen a fraction, flashing brief before they narrow and a smug curl of his lips begin; the first smile he’s worn in front of jaime in… a long time, maybe ever. alamar takes a step forward, arching his bulk more with a puff of his chest, far from aggressive in nature, but more that shows off—a flex. one forearm raises, and abruptly he pushes jaime’s shoulder.
take it back, he repeats.

a smile — the sight takes his breath away, more so as he realizes it's almost a smirk. he never thought alamar would look at him like that. he's dreamed of it before, countless times, imagining how he might respond, how he might catch and keep the blue-eyed man's interest. and now it's happening, and he has no clue what he's doing. he's prepared for something — not the shove, though. thankfully it doesn't throw him off balance too much, and he returns with a teasing kiss to alamar's chin, lingering close still. you'll have to try harder than that, his voice is a whisper now, definitely breathy this time. he really hopes he's doing this right.

the weight behind the shove not enough to topple jaime as alamar assumed—an underestimation that the petite canine is beginning to see in general whenever he observes him. it seems he never truly looked before.
a teasing kiss presses brief to his chin, and alamar flusters—warmth growing over his cheeks, ears twisting back. the smug curl faltering for a moment, but he manages to keep it, just enough that he presses further upon the paw he kept pressed to jaime’s shoulder. he moves it slow, slides it upwards, just enough to try and get his guard down.

the paw remains on his shoulder, drifting upward at an agonizing pace. fire lights in his veins, and he leans into it thoughtlessly, touch-starved and wanting. a sharp breath slips past slightly-parted lips, and he goes still, guard dropping as alamar intended. he's completely incapable of thought now, unable to generate any other flirty responses. if he tried, he'd probably just be a stammering mess.

there, caught where he wants him—alamar oblivious to the effect that he has on jaime, by now he ought to have picked up on clues, but they elude him, likely the denial juice that he swims in. what he thinks is just the right teasing move of play, could end up being more than either bargain for.
his other forearm raises, and wraps around jaime’s neck. with one swift pull, he rolls onto the ground, attempting to take jaime with him. but he doesn’t halt the momentum, instead, he continues the roll in hopes he’ll have jaime on his back instead.

he doesn't expect alamar's next move. it's stupid, but he'd almost expected the other male to move to his side, draw himself up over his back and continue things in the direction they'd seemed to be going. sometimes he forgets his companion can't do certain things. and in the next moment, he starts to doubt it'd been on his mind anyway.
alamar pulls him down easily, flipping them until jaime is on his back with the other's weight pressing against him. he gasps, air knocked from his lungs by both the impact and the warmth where their bodies are connected. his face flushes as he realizes exactly where that warmth is centered; alamar's belly, pressed right against... well, proof of exactly how this encounter is affecting him. nervous sea-glass eyes search for alamar's, knowing he'll notice.

it's a tangle of limbs, a breath stolen and alamar smug once more. the roll does the job, and the petite canine is about to shove his muzzle back in jaime's face with yet another demand of take-backs when the rub from the movement makes him aware of... well, what's going on.
he looks down, awkward as it sounds, and the smirk fades into a mix of morbid curiosity, confusion and a sprinkle of... a feeling he didn't want to have towards jaime. it feels wrong in more ways than one, and new, different.
but he likes it more than he ought to. fuck it. the regrets would be for later, he shifts again. eyes shifting to look at jaime's face.

he isn't a virgin, far from it actually, but this is a first in so many ways it's dizzying. overwhelmed by a dozen different emotions, he focuses on alamar; on his scent, the feeling of his soft fur between jaime's teeth, all the places he can kiss and nip and touch from this angle. he loves him, he realizes, though he knows even in this moment that he can never tell him. saying it would ruin what they are, what little they've managed to build between them. so he shows it instead, using the unexpected opportunity to express in reverent affection what he never can in words.

they don’t go all the way, more alike getting each other off with affection high—alamar lets jaime give whatever he wants, takes it with the soft eye rolls and melts into the grooming across his neck and chest. each touch given signs of appreciation through quiet grunts and moans, as he works on shifting his hips.
eventually the slump, jaime blissed out, alamar too cocky (heh) for his own good. the surge of guilt creeps up, slow and present but kicked away—tossed in the back of his mind for the moment. he slips away from crowding over jaime, shifting to flop onto his side next to him instead.

he feels odd when it's over; raw and worn, drained from giving alamar more of himself than he's ever given anyone. he's usually a quiet, timid lover — not that his companion would know that. it'd been different this time, though, and while he doesn't quite feel ashamed in the aftermath, the emotions washing over him are mixed. when alamar rolls away, he follows suit, rolling onto his side so he's facing the other. his head lifts from the ground after a moment, and he leans in to gently groom alamar if the touch is accepted.

whatever simmers at the core, he doesn’t want to ruin… whatever this is. the casual shift. it ought to mean nothing, just like every fling before it—
the grooming is a nice distraction, one that he leans into, his head tilts again, allowing access to wherever he wants. usually he isn’t about the afterglow cuddles, not with strangers. but this is jaime, and he’s coming to realize he trusts him in more ways than one.
he stretches slightly with a mellow hum, legs pushing downward away from jaime, like a cat lounging in the sun, before the tension eases and he feels boneless—weightless yet heavy all the same, unwilling to get up.