Blacktail Deer Plateau he who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father

the boy ventured through their territory with his head low and his eyes trained on anything that might move ahead of him. he had grown considerably. the length of his limbs was almost adult, if not for the youthful leanness to his frame. he still had several months of slow growth left before he would look anything like his father did. still, he was something to behold.

illidan had remained in the shadows for much of the pack's founding and for long afterward. he had not wanted to venture into the social world. in spite of what grezig had urged him to do, the dark-hooded young man had only turned to spite against the harsh lash of her former words.

he stood on the edge of their territory with a sharp glint in his gaze. somewhere, out there beyond their claim, his mother existed. and she had not come to look for him. that left a fire burning in the pit of his gut that he had not felt in some time. there was resentment there, but he could not place a finger on it. before long, he moved to mark the nearest stone before continuing along his patrol.

The leader sought the fringes of their territory, a ghost wandering the land with alert chocolate eyes. Since Shardik's attack she'd been confined to the heart of their land - healing and thanking the spirits she hadn't been truly crippled. 

Autumn had yet to light the world afire though there were splashes of warm hue splattered here and there along the greenery, yet the grass crunched underfoot - blanketed in delicate frost. Puffs of white steam rose from the healer's muzzle as the sylph padded softly through the forest, leaving her mark along the borders.

It was with some surprise that Liri spotted Illidan's dark silhouette in the distance - despite the fact that he was often nearby, he was so withdrawn that Liri rarely saw him moving about the plateau. The fae moved to close the distance between them in a few steps, falling in line with the boy who was now to her shoulder. 

She chuffed softly, intending to patrol alongside him if he didn't object. 

a soft chuff, and then she was there – the woman who had saved him. illidan swung his head around and peered at her with a gruff expression. his head was low and his youthful shoulders jutted from his back in reminder of how strong he was at that age. the boy wasn't so much boy anymore. he had grown into a sleek young man. even his chin had taken on some scruff.

“liri,” the boy said, though his tone could not be described as having been 'fond'. then again, illidan was not entirely a talker. his voice had remained at a gruff rumble ever since he hit his fifth month of life. it was something she should have expected if she had seen him in the past short while.

though his mind was occupied, the boy slowed down and waited for the pale woman to catch up.

Her gaze found him discreetly, a pain lancing through her heart as she realized he would soon be grown. He had not allowed her to love him as a mother, as she might have, but still she had grown increasingly fond of the sharp, withdrawn child she'd found on the edges of the bank. Desperately she had wanted to soothe his hurts but she knew not of what ailment plagued her ward.

When he decided to leave it would hurt terribly, she realized.

"Illidan," came her similar reply, soft as a kiss.

She knew not if the boy had ever felt anything for her but the healer had tried to care for him. She'd lost her first son; she had no experience with children - she'd tried but in the end, whatever darkness clung to Illidan's heart could not be pierced by light. 

"You are not happy. I don't know if there is anything I can do. I don't know if there's anything anyone can do." Liri didn't bother to beat around the subject - her words came soft and earnest, as she had always spoken to him. 

"More than anything, I pray that you find happiness," she continued. "Even if it is not with us." She did not look to him but in her own way, she had given him her blessing to go if that was what he wanted. Liri would not trap him here, not if he longed for life beyond their borders.

With that weight off her chest, she again lapsed into silence to wait for his response. 

her voice was soft as it reached him. the boy felt a twinge in his heart that he could not describe, and so he smothered it as best as he could. it would have been good of him to listen to the woman, even if he could not understand where she was coming from.

liri spoke of happiness and what could be done to save him from the dark shadow that had found home in his bones. though he words were said with love and care, illidan did not understand why she had felt it was so important that he find something he did not fully grasp. still, the boy listened and stopped himself from interrupting her immediately. he had learned some patience with them; he had at least learned something.

once she had finished, the boy felt his features fall and his dark lips slipped into a thoughtful frown that creased his youthful features. prayers and happiness seemed all so fanciful to him. but it seemed to mean a lot to liri, and he could tell as much by the way that her brow was creased with concern. something about what she had told him seemed to settle poorly with her.

“i am not searching for happiness,” he informed her with a small shrug of his youthful shoulders. “i do not think it exists.”

His bleak words drew her gaze as she studied him. Illidan had always been a mystery to her, Liri could never be entirely sure of how to approach him. She only knew that she wanted the best for him, like anyone she cared about. 

"There was a time that I didn't either," she admitted, not pressing the issue. There was a time she had been young and alone like Illidan, a time when the world seemed a meaningless place and she wanted nothing more than to join her ancestors in the spirit world. 

"I will not speak of happiness again. What is it you do live for then? What inspires you?" She asked, wanting to understand the young man he was becoming. 

the pale woman mentioned that she had once had a similar mindset. she had changed, then. his stern expression latched onto her, and he tried as best as he could to imagine what it would have been like to see liri without the emotions she carried to heavily on her shoulders. illidan was not certain if it was better to live without happiness or constantly in search of it.

liri explained to him that she would not mention happiness again. he found this odd, and his brow furrowed over his hawkish yellow eyes. illidan shook his head at this, showing that he disagreed. “you may talk about whatever you want. it doesn't bother me, either way,” the dark-hooded boy explained to her. he did not want her to adapt her speech for him, not when he did not find that much investment in it.

“i live because my instinct demands it, not because of desires. there are not many things that inspire someone like me. my motivation is in keeping myself strong and capable so that nothing should harm me or those around me.”

it was as simple as that. illidan was not bothered that he didn't carry around a meaningless inspiration. he found his strength and his power in improving himself. in just a month's time, he had become a young and formidable thing. though he dared not to admit it, the young man wished to grow into the shape of what his father was – what he could remember of the ashen ghost.

Liri might have corrected him, might have told him it was not for his benefit that she did not speak of such things. It was not that she believed it would bother Illidan but rather that she saw no point in prattling on about things that made no sense, or were pointless, to the youth. 

"Does it not seem empty?" You do not feel unfulfilled in such a life? Liri had. How many packs had she lived amongst with only the base instinct to hunt, defend, and patrol? How many leaders had she followed without feeling any true loyalty, without being inspired to follow? 

most of what was said seemed senseless to illidan. he had grown to understand that there were a vast majority of those around him who were governed by emotion. there were few who found themselves inspired by their faith, and these he understood even less than those who relied heavily on what they felt. in spite of this, the young man had kept his opinions to himself – unless asked.

facing liri with a curious expression, illidan shook his head.

the question that was posed was difficult to answer without seeming callous and disengaged. he was aware enough to know this, but he didn't want to offer his gut-reaction to the woman who had taken him into her home and offered him a family. “you know, it should,” he told her. the sharp yellow of his gaze latched onto the narrowness of her muzzle for a moment.

“but it doesn't.”

in truth, the world had seemed empty since the day that the child had gotten lost from his family. it had only grown darker since then. while it would have been intelligent of him to realize that liri and kavik had made themselves available – lovingly and warmly – he couldn't grow out of the trauma that he had experienced. after a while, he didn't expect to.

"I see," she answered, for what else could she say?

Something akin to dread pooled in her stomach like so many heavy rocks weighing her down. She wanted to help, to see Illidan well adjusted and carefree as any youth should be - not so solemn and dark. But the healer would have to learn to accept this inability to offer aid, to accept Illidan as he was and hope that this path would not lead him to misfortune.

"Do you miss them?" She asked softly, hesitantly. The fae didn't wish to upset him but truly, she was curious. He remembered them at least, or so she suspected - he hadn't been so young as to forget his family when she found him. 

Her bleeding heart led her to miss her sister, her brother, her children, with every passing day. Did Illidan feel the same absence of family - blood family - of kin?

her question hung on the air without an answer for far too long a time. the wildling was not certain that he should answer, knowing that his response would likely cut her either way. for the boy, battling his emotions was a daily struggle. he had learned to cope with the night terrors that filled his head when he tried to sleep. he had taken to patrolling the borders until his limbs gave out on him and he was forced to rest without having to give in to the visions of terror that filled his mind. the more that he tried to keep himself occupied, the better he found things to be. this was his reason for hesitation. illidan had gone so long without facing the things that plagued him, he was not certain that he was prepared to handle the reality of it again.

“only if i think about them,” he finally returned to her in a raspy voice.

then, the dark-hooded young man turned his gaze and latched it onto the narrow features of her face. it was difficult for him to tell her that he was grateful for all that she had offered him. perhaps, she would know without him having to say. illidan had been with her long enough that she should have known he wasn't fond of verbal gratitude. instead, the growing man preferred to show her. at the edges of his dark lips, there was a flicker – a ghost of a smile that seemed to vanish just as soon as it had arrived.

It was different then. She nodded slightly at this realization. Illidan had been young, of course it was easier for him to simply block it out. Liri did not have such a luxury; she doubted if she ever would. 

Even with this pack, her new family, she would always miss Ameta. She would always feel the sting of Leto and Minna's betrayal. Even if she had children in the spring, she would still feel the loss of her first two. 

It didn't lessen. It just got easier to bear. 

Liri could feel his gaze on her and she glanced to him, catching the faintest smile as it flashed across his face. She smiled back, understanding. She had been unable to fix Illidan - nor could she be his mother - but perhaps that was alright. 

Maybe Illidan would be fine as he was. 

perhaps that was it; the pain of it didn't really lessen over time, but had become easier to carry. though it was still a burden that weighed heavily on the young man's shoulders, illidan had found his ways of coping. in that, he had missed out on a great deal of emotional growth, but he did not see the use for such trivial things. the thought of coping with his feelings was absurd, no matter what anyone else thought. to him, they were fleeting memories of what he might have been able to become if he had not suffered the loss of a substantial figure. emotion and heartache no longer served a purpose to him, so he cast them aside.

as the boy continued to trek along with the pale woman, he turned to her with an inquisitive expression and a curious glint in the sharp yellow of his gaze. “do you think they will be found?” illidan asked her, referring to his family. it had been some time since they had promised to search for them, and there had been no word aside from the moment that grezig had seen his brother. the dark-hooded wildling had started to wonder if he would ever see them again, or if they had washed away with the body of his father.