Great Bear Wilderness all these diamonds

@Clarence

something- no; everything felt wrong. mathieu couldn't shake the feeling of responsibility, couldn't stop thinking that there was something else he could have done. maybe if he'd waited to leave, or if he hadn't left at all... he sighed, turning his steps away from neverwinter.

he didn't wander far. there was a large lake ahead, slightly more daunting than the creeks found in the forest. mathieu knelt at the water's edge and dipped his muzzle, realizing that he could really use a drink.

thank you for getting this up ^^

The feeling of Memory's flesh was still vivid in Clarence's mouth, and he'd been wandering for a couple of days afterward, unable to be in the forest at the moment. Oddly enough, he was remarkably lucid for how horrific the event had been. 

Sighing, the boy walked along the edge of the water, avoiding his reflection. Some of his fur was still stained pink from the battle - blood was hard to get out of white fur. So he instead kicked a small rock, unaware that there was someone equally as gloomy lurking around the lake as well. 

Red eyes eventually fell on the boy and for a moment, Clarence was nervous. Was he really in the mood to be meeting new people right now. But this boy looked just as desolate as he did.

"Are... you okay?" he asked quietly, tilting his head to the side as he approached the other boy.

mathieu lifted his head from the water and examined the stranger with palpable hostility. he wasn't good at pretending; acting friendly wouldn't have been genuine, but exposing his true feelings wasn't an option. do i look okay? he barked, immediately feeling some of the tension dissipate.

he dropped his shoulders and sighed, shaking his head as a silent apology. sorry, matty muttered. was this who he really was? no; mathieu knew that he wasn't a bully, and imagining someone else thinking he was didn't feel good at all. he settled onto his hindquarters and lowered his head, explaining: i didn't mean that.

Hostility was not something Clarence had thought he would have to deal with today, but maybe that was the cool new thing for teenagers that he just wasn't aware of. Regardless, the boy hardly flinched at the tone and instead waited for the other guy to continue speaking.

"It's fine," he said awkwardly, settling onto the pebbly shore in an almost mirrored image to the boy in front of him. His ears swiveled to the sides, visibly uncomfortable. "And... no, you don't really look okay. That's what I was asking." Red eyes flicked back up to the other wolf and he tilted his head. "Sorry for assuming."

seriously? mathieu asked, thought i looked pretty good today. he snorted at the joke and flashed a timid grin. why do you care? light eyes flashed toward the stranger, wondering how he might respond. the question was genuine; what could this kid get out of hearing matty's secrets? he figured that it was just some sort of guilt complex, and that the guy felt some need to solve mathieu's assumed problem. matty sighed and kicked a rock, sending it into the water with a satisfying plonk.

Clarence smiled slightly at the joke and shrugged his shoulders. "I didn't say you didn't look good," he amended, feeling his face flush at that. The boy watched the rock as it plopped into the water, rippling on the surface of the water. 

"I don't," he said calmly, realizing that he actually might not genuinely care about this boy's problems. "I was thinking maybe it would be nice to be miserable with someone else, instead of by yourself." He wasn't here to share sob stories. He was... he wasn't sure why he was there, to be honest. Misery loves company.

mathieu looked at the stranger and smiled again, adding more intent. you're not gonna make me talk about it? he asked. it sounded like he was being offered a distraction, which was exactly what he needed. 

turning back toward neverwinter, then again to the boy, he said: i'm matty. when was the last time he'd hung out with someone? aside from simmik (where was she?) and mal, mathieu had pretty much kept to himself.

Clarence shook his head - for the first time in a long time, it wasn't hurting. At least, not as bad as it had been for a long time. The boy reached his paw out to dab at the surface of the water, watching it move under his foot. "I'm not gonna make you do anything," he assured, turning his attention up to the sky.

"I'm Clarence," he said in return, moving into a laying position and dipping both of his front paws into the water. Some of the blood that remained began to dissipate in the clear liquid, fading away somewhere into the lake. A small smile crossed his maw. "It's nice to meet you."

an oppressive silence overtook the space between them. mathieu drew in a deep breath and held it, unsure of how to continue the conversation. how did things normally go? he sucked his teeth, pointed to the faint traces of blood floating through the water, and asked: where'd that come from? yeah, not the best ice-breaker.

Clarence flinched a bit at the question, but it wasn't something he wasn't willing to answer. "I was... sparring with a packmate, and things went wrong," he responded, not taking his eyes off the water. Sparring was not something he would be doing again for a good, long while. "He's alive, still. Moving around and stuff. I got worried for a while." Eyes fell shut and the boy lowered his muzzle down to touch the water as well.

clarence really didn't leave anything up to the imagination. from his description of the events, it sounded like he'd nearly killed someone. mathieu grimaced at the thought. well, it's good that he's up and moving. right?

he thought about home. matty had managed to build up an intimidating reputation, just by being the grandfather's, well, grandson. no one had ever physically tested him, which was probably for the best; matty sucked at fighting. 

still, he wanted to share. my, uh — lifted brow, heavy sigh — uncle, he killed someone once. i had to watch the whole thing. mathieu laughed, hoping (but knowing) that his confession hadn't been too intense.

Clarence nodded his head solemnly. "I didn't... mean to," he tried to explain, brow furrowing as the last of the blood drifted away from his paws. "He just, grabbed my throat and pinned me down and it... reminded me of something." More like thrust him into a powerful flashback, but he didn't want to go too in-depth with it.

Red eyes turned over to the boy when he began talking and Clarence offered him a small smile - genuinely supportive. "Have you ever killed someone before?" he asked, tilting his head to the side.

it reminded me of something.

mathieu wanted to continue asking questions. he opened his mouth to speak, but closed it, figuring that clarence would have clarified if he'd felt comfortable. instead, matty said: yeah. we all do stuff like that.

but killing someone? never. mathieu's face was twisted upward with disgust, his body shivering at the very thought. having seen someone's life disappear, he couldn't imagine being the beast to orchestrate such an event.

de la mesure dont on mesura, les autres on sera mesurés. he thought about it, heard the words again from grandfather's mouth. whatever shit you do to someone else, it comes back to you.

The other boy looked disgusted by his question and Clarence glanced to the side, unable to make eye contact. Shame and hatred, both directed at himself, flooded into his chest and he sighed deeply, trying to regain a bit of his composure. You're lucky, he thought, but didn't say it aloud.

The next words were foreign to Clarence's ears, and he looked back over to the gray splotched boy. He let the words hang in the air and he inhaled deeply. "I will deserve whatever comes to me," he said then, a melancholy smile crossing his face.

immediately, clarence shifted from "potential friend" to "definite weirdo". mathieu didn't know what he meant, nor did he really want to. his eyes danced over the again-stranger, wondering what danger lurked beneath the surface.

there were two things which matty received from his mother: his strange merle coat, and an underlying attitude. typically, he could hide the latter, but he really didn't feel like putting in the effort.

maintaining that expression, mathieu asked: what's that supposed to mean? you're trying to be, like, edgy or something? his attention was fully turned to clarence, again with appraising glances.

And it was probably for the best that he switched to "definite weirdo" in Matty's mind. Because no, he was not trying to be edgy. Pain lanced through his chest at the accusation and he shifted uncomfortably, really preferring not to talk about it. His eyes shifted down to the bracelet on his wrist.

"I never wanted to be a bad person," he said, looking back over at the boy. Clarence was almost desperate to be able to open up about this, but he didn't know if this boy would accept him or turn him away without question. There was no way to know how much of this he would even understand. "Sometimes you don't have a choice." 

His eyes burned with tears and he wiped his paw roughly across them. "You're lucky to have never had to hurt someone else. It's horrible," he whispered, looking back toward the water.

mathieu needed somewhere to place his anger. he needed someone to blame for everything, and unfortunately, that was clarence. the assumptions each came with an air of arrogance; who was this stranger to assume anything about matty's life? he'd never killed anyone, but that didn't mean his conscience was clear.

you always have a choice, mathieu replied. he'd always been taught that everything was a choice. and if it wasn't, and everything was based on the past, then matty would have been someone completely different. deciding that you don't have a choice is a choice. 

he shook his head and scoffed, having seen clarence wipe his eyes. what makes you think i'm lucky, or that i'm totally innocent? 'cause i've never killed anyone? mathieu looked upward with a sigh, wondering when things might change.

Clarence wondered then, briefly, back to the time he'd spent with the humans and their cages and the other dogs and wolves that were also fighting for their lives. The boy had been lucky not to have been killed in the several months he'd been fighting, ripped to pieces and only partially healed before being sent back in. Did he have a choice?

"I don't think you're right," he said quietly, ears lowering. "I think if I had chosen not to, I definitely would've been killed. Either in the fights or by the two-legs." Though that was probably a choice, too, in this kid's mind.

The boy looked back over at Matty with a frown. "I didn't say you were innocent," he said in surprise. "You told me you didn't kill anyone. Have you ever seen someone forced to kill?" It wasn't accusatory - more like he was stating facts.

personal preference, maybe, but mathieu thought that living without personal autonomy was pointless. their views of life were obviously different; he would have died before allowing someone else to dictate who he was to become. 

become a good fighter, matty replied with a shrug, not a bad person. he knew that "bad" was a subjective term, and didn't like that their conversation was revolving around its meaning. in truth, mathieu didn't really know what it meant.

he shook his head and laughed. yeah, matty replied, my whole family. i've been having people killed my whole life. now he was the one crying. his throat burned with the shame of his admission, his hackles lifted in defense of whatever clarence might say in response. mathieu's disgusted expression shifted to one of embarrassment and anger, though he kept his eyes wide and emotions on display.

Perhaps Matty would have thought differently if that was the only life he'd ever known - from infancy, bottle-fed, trained for one purpose and one purpose only. To be a weapon. 

"I guess I'm both," Clarence said thoughtfully, hardly even really paying attention at the moment. Too wrapped up in horrific memories, of bloodshed and screams of terror and alarm sirens. "I like to think I'm different now. I don't want to do those things anymore." He never had, really.

Clarence looked over at the other boy and tears filled his own eyes, mirroring the other boy's expression. It was painful, to think about, to admit. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, voice hushed. "Maybe... we can quit? Maybe we can change?" He was hopeful, voice choked, his own emotions laid out on the table.

fuck you for making me talk about stuff. mathieu looked at clarence for a long moment, his mind jumping between flight and fight. you're not a bad person, he sighed, stop calling yourself one.

he settled back into a seat, albeit apprehensively. clarence's demeanor kept him on edge, though he was mostly convinced that it was an act. i don't need to change, because the stuff that i did isn't who i am. mathieu looked at clarence, wondering if he understood the message.

Clarence flinched then, ears flicking backward. He wasn't used to being cursed at like that. "You were the one who brought all this stuff up and then acted like I was gross for talking," he mumbled, and yeah, okay, that one was a little accusatory. But he did relax then, soothed by the sentiment. Maybe he wasn't a bad person, after all.

A short nod of his head was the acknowledgement to the next statement as Clarence mulled it over. "You're right," he whispered, feeling a little freer now. Red eyes turned back to the other boy. "We just... need to make different choices, in the future. Better choices."

clarence still didn't understand. mathieu didn't pity himself the way that he did; grouping them together wasn't fair. stop saying 'we', he asked with a defeated sigh. although tired of this company, he really didn't have anywhere else to go. 

you thought about picking up a trade or something? experience like that is probably good for mercenary. offering this advice was akin to an apology, for which mathieu's ego was presently too big.

"Sorry," the boy said, lowering his head in an apology. He hadn't meant to lump them in together - their pasts had their similarities, but it didn't put them in the same category. Of course Mathieu wouldn't want to be equated with him. 

Had he thought of a trade? "I guess," he responded, shrugging. "I don't really want to fight, but it's what I'm best at. And maybe if it's to protect my pack, it won't be bad."

clarence's energy was off-putting. nothing that he said sounded marginally enthusiastic, leaving mathieu more bothered than he had been when entering the conversation. matty sighed and rolled his eyes, before standing up to walk away. 

he turned over his shoulder and warned: you know what? with that mindset, you're always going to be miserable. nothing in life is perfect so maybe it would do you some good to lower your expectations. mathieu didn't wait for a response. he exited the scene without another word.