Firefly Glen [m] i am a question to the world

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She didn't see @Talisman return from wherever it was he had gone. Somehow, that hurt. Did he want her? She'd hated leaving S'ari and the Tribe, so why is it that she didn't feel like she belonged with him in Moonspear, either? But she couldn't go back.

Her paws wouldn't let her.

Kusuma trod away from the moonwolfs for a time. Why hadn't he wanted her? 

Does anyone even want Kusuma?! she yip-yapped into the still afternoon, when she thought no one could hear her. 

A quiet shadow. 

A thunderstorm in her heart. Lightening seemed to wish to crack its confines in two.

She lay in a clover patch, one paw over her muzzle to shield her eyes from the sun. Or was it so no one who wandered by would see the tears in her eyes?

The coyjackal couldn't tell.

He tentatively made his way back toward Moonspear. Surely Sialuk would look after Kusuma, stop anyone—himself included—from taking advantage of her. Talis probably reeked of @Moonshadow and her estrus, though he scarcely thought about that as he picked his way through The Heartwood, then Firefly Glen.

Talis felt like he’d walked into a wall when Kusuma’s parfum hit his nose. He stopped in his tracks, wondering what she was doing here. He thought about making a run for it again, though his pale brow furrowed. Was Sialuk nearby too or was Kusuma out here by herself, totally vulnerable?

Kusuma! he shouted, bounding toward the source of that smell. Where are—what’re you doing out here?! he demanded as soon as he found her, crouching among some clovers.

He... came back? 

She honestly didn't care what he smelt like, nor did she want to make note of it any more than she already had.

Kusuma needed time to think. she said. That was her intention, after all! But maybe... that wasn't getting through to Talis, or at least... in a way she could explain. 

And she wasn't good at being subtle.

Kusuma was once in a pack. With coywolfs. They... make Kusuma feel Kusuma belonged there. Like kin. Kusuma doesn't feel that anymore. As if... Kusuma left the only place that felt... good.

She sunk further into the clover.

Like no matter what Kusuma does, where Kusuma goes; as if that good ran away.

Huh? he replied rather inarticulately when she mentioned thinking, at a time like this. Look— Talis tried, though she continued talking.

He had no choice but to fall silent, hold his breath and clench his teeth, looking around warily as he wondered who else might be drawn here by her scent. He barely registered anything she said, he was so flustered.

We should go back up the mountain, if you don’t want to draw attention, Talisman urged. Unless, he added with a blink of arctic blue eyes, did you change your mind?

She looked down when she registered that she had interrupted him - but it was no use! He'd already gone on.

Kusuma feels - better... here. Wolfs can wait, no? she asked, hoping, praying to whatever sun-spirit lay beyond her field of view that he'd stay here. 

With her. 

For a moment longer, she hoped. 

How?! Her mind was panicking! Just for a moment, please - don't leave her alone again! Not now, at least! 

Kusuma has... Talis attention, doesn't she?

Talisman didn’t quite know what to make of her reply. Did she not want to live in the village? It was hard to think, though he tried to concentrate. The next words out of her mouth reminded him of a comment Sialuk had made: “The woman—Kusuma—will she have a darkened heart if she learns of this?”

What do you mean? I’m drawn to your scent, of course, but you’re my friend, Kusuma, and I’m trying to respect you, Talisman said weakly.

He wasn't getting this, was he? A more blunt approach. 

Kusuma wants Talis to calm her fire. she said, quietly, almost as if she wasn't supposed to say it; like a rumor that wouldn't do anyone good if found out about. Would rather have friend do it than stranger. 

There. She said it. What he'd make of it, her heart pounded to find out. 

And... Kusuma wants... a family. Kusuma wants pup to be born in a pack - protection more than she can provide alone.

She'd thought of these things.

Moonspear nice. Just... Kusuma. Kusuma the problem.

Her words contradicted her actions, at least from earlier. Talisman didn’t point this out right away, letting her finish. She said something else that didn’t quite add up with something she’d stated just a moment ago.

You just said you feel better here, away from the pack. But you want your pups to be born there? he asked, not quite incredulous but certainly seeking clarification. I want pups too, he said before she could answer, but I’m not…

He’d been about to say, “I’m not relationship material.” But that wasn’t the issue, at least entirely. With the right person, Talis could certainly entertain the idea of trying. But he realized he wasn’t particularly attracted to Kusuma that way. She didn’t seem like a grown woman to him. Her scent at present confused the matter, certainly, but…

You just seem—seemed—so vulnerable, Kusuma. You were like a scared child. It’s hard to think of doing—that, with you, when… Talis shook his little red paws. But… your scent. It—I feel like a total creep right now!

ooo boi she snappin'! is it hormones? I do not know but this is what came out of my brain. enjoy.

Moonspear full of men Kusuma does not know, she breathed, but something inside her boiled at his ignorance. She understood why, she supposed. By time pups are born, Kusuma thinks - she will not be so skittish. After all - would not be so much stranger, then.

Does Talis think Kusuma has no right to be nervous when fire comes and she is not among a pack she calls her own? she tilted her head a moment, a huff on her breath. No wolf-men here to smell Kusuma's fire. That is why Kusuma feels safer here. Only one man here right now - one Kusuma knows has control - and Kusuma can prance off if she senses another.

Her ears flattened. Kusuma appreciates restraint Talis has at time like this. And... Kusuma is sorry. Three winters and she thinks she's able to control herself more.

He did his best to listen, even though his body was starting to go into fight-or-flight mode. Talisman swallowed thickly, nodding his head to show he understood even if he didn’t entirely follow. Most of it made some kind of sense, he supposed.

He could only admit, I’m not entirely sure I do have control. It’s very difficult being this close to you. And all this talk—it’s confusing…

Talis spread his forepaws helplessly. He thought of Sialuk and Moonshadow, how easy and natural it had been with them. And, of course, there had been Inji. They’d all wanted him; their actions had left little doubt of that. And actions spoke louder than words, especially in times like these.

Please, just tell me what you want me to do, Kusuma…

Kusuma tried to remember how to get her once-love to give her the attention she sought. That would perhaps be more suitable? 

Her fire still burned inside her. 

Kusma wants Talis to do what everyone else hasn't- 

she took a breath, finally getting up from her clover patch and leaning over to sniff Talis, daring her nose to be put to his fur. -Stay. Please - even if it's just... for a moment. he reeked of other women, but at that point, the coyjackal didn't care.

Kusuma just wants to belong somewhere. She isn't... all coyote, or all jackal. Or wolf. Is coyote-jackal. Makes things even more confusing than her words. Talis doesn't need to be in pups lives if he doesn't want to. Kusuma... wants family.

She wanted him to stay with her. Talisman wondered if she understood what she was asking of him, how difficult it was for him to be so near to her. Then again, it sounded like she wanted his attention and the offspring that would result from it. If only he could get past his mental block…

What? Of course I’d want to be in their lives, he found himself saying sharply, his patience wearing thin right alongside his better judgment. I want kids too, Kusuma.

But what about everything else she’d just said? And all the words that had come before? Talisman realized he had a headache now, on top of everything else.

Look, he said, this time not letting her cut across him, I don’t think any of that coyote vs jackal vs wolf stuff matters as much as you think. At least, I couldn’t care less. I would still want to bang you if you were—a worm, if you still smelled like this.

He drew in a deep breath, ignoring the dull pounding in his temple. Talis tipped his head upward in the manner of one slightly exasperated, before bringing his pale gaze back to her.

I want kids, lots of kids. If you really want me to, he said, staring straight into her eyes, and you understand that I’ll be here for you as your friend, and the kids as their dad…

Talis waited.

It mattered to her, but that was neither here nor there. It wasn't as if she held all this mental turmoil about her lineage just for the fun of it or anything. No, of course not.

But back to the fire.

They were here, and it was a long way back to there. And she wasn't about to go back there smelling like she'd rolled in honey-scented wildflowers and dusted herself with some other fragrance.

Kusuma understands.

She didn't care to share, but she wanted to know who exactly fathered her children. It was important, okay? 

... thank you. the coyjackal added, quietly.

He could really only take her at her word and try to shove his misgivings about her earlier behavior aside. Talisman let out a breath, bobbing his head rather uselessly. He suddenly felt awkward, having had this huge talk when usually he did the do, then got around to pillow talk.

For the first time since stumbling across her scent in the glen, he decided to let himself draw it into his lungs properly. It definitely helped push his thoughts to the side. His pupils dilated a little as he gazed at her, feasting his eyes on her womanly features and not the image of her cowering like a child in the back of a cave.

Talisman reached for her, gentle but insistent. His nose nudged her, starting at her neck and skimming down a shoulder blade. He trailed it along the fade of her flank, glancing back at her face every few seconds to make sure it was truly okay.

When he reached her backside and prepared to embrace her, Talisman of course asked, Is this okay? Do you want this, Kusuma?

His eyes found a Kusuma that looked... calm. Her eyes blazed with a blooming sense of self, even if just by a pup-step.

Each touch felt like a new kind of wildfire. It burned in her blood and she couldn't resist a little tail wag. She'd never been embraced before, like this.

Yes. This is what Kusuma wants. 

She had no reason to think Talis would hurt her, and, well - she tracked him down once, she could do it again, if he fled.

But why would he do that? 

She pushed the thoughts aside. After all... she wanted this - and she did! Really.

He still had his doubts about whether this was the right thing to do, though now they were merely echoes in the back of his head as Talisman wrapped his forelegs around Kusuma’s body and tugged her close.

Afterward, he curled into a ball beside the clover patch. It had been an exhausting—but hopefully fruitful!—day. He thought of the past few minutes; of his tryst with Moonshadow; even of his firstborns hopefully blooming in Sialuk’s womb.

Talis felt blissfully empty and let himself float away into his dreams.

He fell asleep as he smelt of many women. Kusuma wasn't his first, though he'd been the first man to be with her. 

But that was okay. She didn't care - they were friends, nothing more.

In the aftermath, she stood there, eyes just happening to fall on him - was it right? 

It felt right. She'd wanted it. He gave it to her. That was that, in the end. Darkwoman couldn't deny what had happened, not at all. 

Maybe someday, she'd find another coywolf, or even Kusuma-love from seasons past. She held her close to her heart, still. It was all Kusuma had of a life she yearned for. 

She was gone, Kusuma knew. But hope was all she had.