Blacktail Deer Plateau I'm not made of stone

@Grezig perhaps forward dated a day or so? :)

She'd avoided their Beta long enough. 

It was midmorning when she abandoned her patrol - having spent more than half the morning remarking the territory with her scent. Sunlight peeked through the gaps in the canopy, golden spots lighting on her achromatic coat like that of a fawn. Pine needles brushed softly against her paw pads - brittle and brown where they carpeted the forest floor like natural rushes. Liri's pace was slow, unhurried, for she was in no rush to reach Grezig.

She'd seen something in the woman's eyes, just before she fled. 

Something akin to love. 

Liri didn't know what to make of that.

 Grezig's background spoke of more feral people than she was accustomed to, people who likely wouldn't have given Liri a second chance. She imagined that upbringing didn't leave you so easily and she'd been suspicious of the Beta, piecing together that Grezig might someday decide she was better suited to lead. 

It made little difference, Liri had proved she was an adequate leader more than once. They were in Teekon, not Grezig's homeland, and she doubted that her wolves would cast her off so easily, needlessly. Beyond that, Grezig had been her trusted friend. Liri had ignored her mind's paranoid wanderings - assuming their right hand would never do something like that. 

Liri had no desire to hurt the Beta - whether with her words or fangs - nor did she plan to punish her. You couldn't help who you loved. 

And that image of Grezig's face just before she fled plagued Liri. It was obvious that she felt guilty enough. 

No, the healer sought out the agouti merely to speak. Yet, she couldn't find it in her heart to face the situation with trust. Not if Grezig could conspire behind her back with her husband to ambush her with that crazy plan about children. It should have been obvious that Liri would say no, that anyone in their right mind would say no. Even more so, it should've been obvious to Grezig that she would guess what it meant - why she had asked the Alpha's mate and not any number of the unmarried males within their pack, or even a lone wolf beyond their borders.

Trailing reluctantly after the Beta's scent trail, she halted only when it seemed the other female was nearby. Calling softly, Liri requested an audience with her - features and form carefully neutral.

Grezig flinched at the sound of Liri’s call. It had been about a day since that… disaster, and she had tried her best to stay away from all others in the pack, shirking her duties as Beta in order to hide from the world. She was unworthy. She needed to leave. But she was a pack wolf and her instincts to stay in the pack were stronger than her emotional desires. The same reason she had called off the… the unspeakable thing she had almost gone through with. She wanted to leave the Plateau, to give Kavik and Liri a chance to… be together without her there. To get away from her own feelings. Feelings. Feelings were gross, and she wished, now that she’d experienced them, that she could shove them all back inside her chest cavity and close the lid. But they were out now, and still raw and bloody and she didn’t know how to pick them up. They slipped, wet with blood, from her (figurative) fingers and scattered around her in a windstorm.

But she had to go to Liri. She had to be the Beta now, but make sure it was clear that she respected the pale Alpha. She picked herself up from the ground and led herself, head down, to the woman whose husband she had almost… She did not finish the thought. It disgusted her, but somewhere in the back of her mind, there was still a twinge of deep sorrow. Despite her best efforts, she could not entirely squash her feelings for the dark male. Still, though, her regret over the situation was stronger than her love for Kavik. She needed to make amends somehow.

She dragged herself towards Liri, keeping her head down, her body low to the ground, her tail tucked between her legs. It was a strange posture for one so proud, but she was the most self-loathing now than she’d ever been before in her life. The posture suited her—regret and anguish clear in every minute detail of her body. Ears back, whine in her throat. She hated all of this. But she would not run away. She was proud enough—of the pack, if not herself—to know that running away would solve nothing. She had to face her mistakes lest they fester and infect her mind like an illness. “Liri,” she said, her voice hoarse and raw and cracking on the name. But she could think of nothing else to say, so she stared at the ground instead, waiting.

Pain landed through her to see the strong Beta reduced to this. 

"Grezig," she murmured softly, brokenly, "don't.." she found herself whispering, moving forward to touch her muzzle comfortingly to the agouti's shoulder. She couldn't take this - seeing her friend so crushed and knowing that the only the thing she could do to fix it was the one action she could never perform. She could never give Kavik up, even if she wanted to.

"I," she began, words catching. "I am not against you having children, Grezig," she sighed, closing her eyes, "but I can't permit you to have them with my mate." 

The words that remained unspoken lingered in her eyes. 

I'm sorry you fell in love with him.

Editing this cos I literally forgot about Issun.

Grezig sobered some at Liri’s touch, picking her body up off of the ground. She sat down, trying to straighten her spine, but she was tired and her shoulders slouched. Her eyes were blank as she listened to the words that Liri did not have to explain to her. She understood. She knew. That was why she’d called it off. She knew it would have been wrong. When Liri’s eyes opened again and looked at Grezig, the Beta could read… something in them, some sorrow or regret. She held the Alpha’s dark gaze for a moment and then said, “When Kavik and I had the conversation some time back, I did not yet have feelings for him. I had never associated sex with love up to that point. I had every intention of going to Corvus first, to ask if he would have been willing, but then he disappeared from the packlands and I… did not know who else to ask. Siqsa and Issun are here now, but I hardly know them. There is no one else I would have trusted enough.”

She paused, breathed. “Originally, I thought you might say no, but had no qualms asking if you would allow it because I had absolutely no intention of hurting either of you. To me, sex is only about procreation. I only wanted my own children. I did not want Kavik. Now I… at some point I…” The words would not come. “I am not sure what happened,” she finished lamely. All of this had been spoken in a kind of monotone, as if she were a machine reading back a typed message. She had forced herself to explain everything to Liri in the hopes that the Alpha would understand that she had never meant any harm. Her inexperience with love is what had caused the problem, and she was willing to acknowledge that.

Unable to bear the awkwardness of this situation any longer, she forced her spine to straighten, cleared her throat, and said, “If you permit me to stay in the pack, I have a request. Some time ago I talked to Illidan about helping him find his family. I feel that now might be a good time to start doing that. It would require me to leave the pack for weeks, possibly months. I have no idea where to start looking, except to go to each of the packs I am aware of and ask them if they know anything about a boy with a dark face or his brother, Ephraim.” She paused. “What do you think?” Leaving would be a way to prevent any further feelings—between any of them—and would give them all time to cool off and restart.

Of course, there was the chance that Liri would exile her from the Plateau, but after such a quiet and calm response to Grezig’s pain, the Beta doubted that that would happen now.

There it was.

The truth, plain as day, as she had known it was.

Her eyes closed briefly, as if warding off some pain. What a mess. 

Grezig was in love with her husband.

When they reopened, they fell on the Beta with a mix of weariness and pity. Of all the wolves to love, Grezig had fallen for the one she could not have. 

As the explanation fell on her ears, Liri lifted a brow curiously. "If it was about mere procreation then why bother with trust at all? Why not find a stranger?" If the male was merely a means to an end, a tool in which to achieve children, why had she wanted a member of their pack at all? Wouldn't it only complicate things, particularly if the Beta wanted her children to herself? 

"Grezig, I will not exile you," Liri murmured earnestly. "You cannot help who you love but perhaps this trip would be good," she agreed. "Illidan is...he'll be a man soon. If you could find his family, perhaps.." Her brow crumpled with pain.

Perhaps when he leaves, he will not wander aimlessly. 

"I will miss your presence, friend." It was true, at least partly. Liri was conflicted; she trusted Grezig, yet the Beta's actions had hurt whether she meant them to or no. It would be some time before she could forgive either of them - Grezig or Kavik - fully but she would miss her friend, her recruit, her Beta. 

"Be careful out there; winter will be upon us soon. Return to us in one piece," she pressed close, for once unconcerned if her emotional nature bothered the Beta, hugging her friend close in a wolfish embrace.

Grezig’s heart ached for the way Liri looked at her when her eyes opened again.

’If it was about mere procreation then why bother with trust at all? Why not find a stranger?’

Grezig thought about that. “In my family pack, only the Alphas, my dam and sire, were allowed to mate at all, and we did not allow any lone wolves into the pack. It was strictly family. I suppose that kind of thinking rubbed off on me. It seemed wrong to go out looking for someone I didn’t even know and drag them back to the pack just so that they could give me children. I have no intention of finding a mate and settling down. I just want pups.”

Grezig blew out the breath she’d been holding when Liri confirmed that she would not exile her. “Thank you,” she murmured. 

’You cannot help who you love…’

A stab went through her chest.

’…but perhaps this trip would be good.’

“Yes,” she said. 

’I will miss your presence, friend.’

“And I yours,” Grezig said, and she was fairly sure she meant it. 

Liri told her to be careful and Grezig nodded, but she was not expecting the embrace that the woman gave her. She made a noise of surprise in her throat, stiffening at Liri’s touch. She felt tears sting her eyes again but blinked them back rapidly. 

“Uh… Liri…” She pulled away after a time. “Would you give me a day to prepare? I want to tell Illidan where I’m going, at least. Maybe let Minori and Elixir know, as well. I will avoid Kavik if at all possible. I will leave it up to you to tell him anything, or not.”

Her lips parted in confusion, to clarify that she had not meant that Grezig should bring home the father of her theoretical children - unless of course, she wished to - but that she should simply find a stranger once she came into heat. If it was all about the children and had nothing to do with love or emotions, wouldn't it be simplest to have a one night stand? Grezig wouldn't have to share her children with a male she didn't care about and she would have the plateau wolves to help her. 

Liri pushed the conversation from her mind, for now was not the time or the place to worry about it. They could speak of children in the spring. 

Liri smiled slightly at the sentiment though she could not be sure the Beta truly meant it. 

"Take the time you need. There's no rush," Liri assured. She didn't want to give the agouti the impression that she was booting her out the door. "I'll tell Kavik where you've gone," she reassured. He would worry if he thought Grezig just deserted them, particularly if he thought it was a result of their falling out. 

Liri told her to take the time she needed. That there was no rush. How could Liri even still allow her to be a part of this pack after what she’d done? Grezig would have chased off someone like herself—or even killed her—for such an action. Liri was better than her, she supposed. Stronger. Well, good for her. And good for Kavik, too. Fuck ‘em. 

’I’ll tell Kavik where you've gone,’ Liri said.

Grezig grunted, no longer in the mood for sentimental crap. “Thanks,” she said gruffly, and then turned and stalked away. Her emotions were all out of whack, but could you blame her? Her entire life had just been flipped on its head. She didn’t know what to feel right now. She just hoped she’d stop doing stupid shit. She had to go talk to Illidan and prepare to leave.

[Exit unless stopped.]

Liri merely watched as the Beta stalked away, confused by the sudden shift to anger in the she wolf. She sighed wearily as the cinnamon coat of Grezig disappeared into the trees. A single thought of whatever crossed her mind, for she couldn't see how the woman thought herself entitled to anger when it was Liri's husband she'd propositioned. Honestly, the leader was just done with the whole situation. 

When Grezig returned she'd worry about what happened next with her. She'd be keeping an eye on the Beta, at least at first, and if their relationship remained strained then so be it. Liri had had hopes of asking the Beta to be godmother to she and Kavik's pups in the spring, of truly becoming a friend to the Beta and getting to know her better but it seemed insensitive now. It was becoming increasingly clear that she and Grezig were better suited to speaking of pack issues only and remaining separated otherwise. 

At last, the Alpha rose to her paws and shook a few loose leaves from her pelt. She padded in the opposite direction Grezig had taken, wanting to avoid both the Beta and her mate at the moment, and began to make her way to the edge of the plateau where she could think in peaceful silence.