Hushed Willows [festival] if my heart were a turntable

Gannet didn't quite understand the concept of the festival. Someone had likely mentioned that it was a fertility festival, but if so, it had gone straight over the man's head. Any strangers who might have approached with flirtation would have been met with oblivious friendliness, but also quiet. He was here to observe and to learn, and the latter occupied his thoughts heavily. If he asked and they said they did not know how to heal, likely he politely moved on.

He'd caught up a bit with @Lily (in the main thread I assume) but shifted as she might speak with others as well. He saw @Charon arrive, but didn't move to approach. He would have liked to have seen how they were now, and how Hydra was, but something kept him back.

Instead, he cast a glance over the crowd, watching as wolves introduced and chatted somewhat distantly. Gatherings like this tended to overwhelm him unless he kept back, separate, alone. He could talk with one or two, but more than that was too much to follow.

Charon had offered his little piece of the star that had fallen on Moonspear territory at the main maypole, hoping that it would help make the fertility gods a bit more positive. He wasn't too happy about the amount of wolves that he knew here -- he'd rather have seen some more wolves there that he knew positively, rather than all these ghosts from the past. The fact that all of them avoided him made Charon more furious; it was one thing that they had left his pack at an inconvenient time. It was another that they didn't even seem to realise why he was angry. He wasn't angry about them leaving, he was angry about the timing as well as them keeping it a secret from him until they suddenly left. But he doubted they'd ever understand.

Gannet was one of the wolves that he had spent time talking about the others with. Charon remembered being grateful for Gannet's loyalty -- a loyalty that he had given his word on -- but then he had left, telling him only through Hydra. He'd called him almost family, and yet Gannet, too, had left. Without fulfilling his word, without staying in Moonspear's service until he was freed by the word of its Alphas. Charon figured when Hydra told him that Gannet'd just go looking for whatever he needed to look -- wasn't it that other relative of him that'd also joined Moonspear for a time? Charon'd forgotten his name -- and then he would return to fulfil his service further.

But he'd never returned.

For some time Charon lingered around the festival with Ame mostly, until he eventually got into the "drunk angry ex" phase. He wasn't even sure if he was more angry, disappointed or just plain hurt as he stepped up towards Gannet.

Why didn't you return? he asked plainly, a frown on his face that betrayed the pain living beyond his eyes, even though he hadn't wanted to show any of it. But fuck, he cared, and this is where caring for someone who'd been formerly a Redhawk got him, apparently.

Gannet hadn't expected Charon to approach, let alone talk to him. He wasn't bothered by it, just watched curiously as he came. Gannet didn't read his agitation and was simply affable and silent.

His smile faded though when Charon asked why he hadn't come back, because finally he noticed that the other man was upset. His frown was slight and confused. You didn't need me, he said simply, his head tilting. It might have been more correct, in his meaning, to say 'want', but the two were similar to him. Everything he remembered about Moonspear had led him to believe he was simply tolerated, and being allowed to depart had made him understand that his debt had been paid. Aside from still needing to go visit Hydra, he'd assumed the rest content with his decision not to return.

You didn't need me. It was odd to hear something like this for someone like Charon, who, despite his aggressive outlook on some of the wolves that'd left his pack, was really just an insecure little boy who felt thoroughly unloved and therefore snapped at those who left so that it was their fault and not his. He frowned, as he had never even considered this at all. It wasn't up to you to decide whether you were needed. You promised, he said. That you would serve us until we released you. You only asked for leave. I expected... Well, better, he supposed. In Charon's eyes, Gannet had been needed because he had not heard otherwise. It wasn't up to him to decide otherwise, because he had been a thrall. But like Althaia, he had left. Maybe, Charon thought, he should have raised his children with more understanding of the ranks in life. Maybe Hydra was the one who had given Gannet the wrong idea.

More words lingered on the tip of Charon's tongue, but he found them altogether too hard to say. I thought we were friends, he thought idly to himself, but he couldn't get himself to say them. Because it was so very clear that Gannet did not feel the same way. Perhaps 'friends' was an odd thing to be with a thrall when you were Alpha, and perhaps that was why he was thwacked in the nose with this lesson by his ancestors, Charon thought to himself. But for as much as it was possible for an Alpha to be friends with a thrall, Gannet had been Charon's friend.

Gannet was a little puzzled by Charon's statement, and if he knew the thoughts in Charon's mind, he would have been moreso. Gannet's mindset had room for two relationships, for the most part - friend or not. Friends were those who welcomed your company most of the time and not were those who did not want to be around you. Moonspear had situated itself so firmly in the second camp that nothing big enough had happened to place them in the first. Not even their final conversation, because it had been Gannet searching for a confirmation that, of itself, had never come. Always a servant, never family.

But what puzzled him now was Charon's insistence that he had decided this. I asked. He said, confusion clear in his pale eyes. You said I could go. He'd told Hydra he would come back, yes, but he hadn't meant he would come back to live. It wasn't a distinction he'd realized, then or now, he needed to draw.

You're upset? He asked, feeling like that was the case but needing to confirm it. He hadn't meant for that to be the case, and for a minute he considered apologizing. Something new stopped him though.... somewhere out in the wilds with Whip, he'd learned that it was okay to want things for himself and not always for others. He was happy in the Hollow. He couldn't apologize for that.

Charon felt the fur on his neck bristle when Gannet said that he asked and that he'd been told he could go. He'd never been asked a thing -- Gannet had wisely asked only Hydra, because he knew that she would melt and tell him that he could go. Charon would've preferred to have it the way so that he would not have to hold Gannet to his duties, the ones he promised to uphold. It was complicated, perhaps, the boy who grew up stuck somewhere between the culture of vikings and regular upbringing, stuck between being an orphan and an Alpha's son. Never good enough because he came from nowhere and had lost everything and everyone dear to him at a very young age, and yet privileged by the wolves that had taken him in and adopted him. It was hard to explain what Gannet had meant to him. Perhaps the fact that he stayed was a symbol of some sort. A thing that said 'you are good enough'. A token of control, perhaps, but that bit was something that was hidden deep beneath the surface. And there was too much surface to scratch through for Charon to reach that part.

You never asked me or so much as said good-bye, he said coldly. You asked only Hydra, and made her explain it to me and Ame. And as I recall, you promised her that you would be back. Charon could not believe how Gannet could remember all of this so very differently, putting words in his mouth. I never said you could go. Not that he would drag Gannet back to Moonspear by the scruff now. What was the point? He was clearly a man without honour, and so what use would it be to hold him to something he clearly didn't have now?

And you stand here, being surprised that I'm upset about this? Of course I'm upset that you pissed all over not only your own honour but my faith that you were to be trusted. He raised his voice slightly as he said the 'of course'. It was ridiculous to Charon how so many wolves seemed to think he was some sort of unfeeling tyrant who didn't care shit about anything and had no friends. What the fuck was wrong with Gannet to think such things? They'd been practically friends, at least in Charon's book. Not family, because well, fuck, they weren't related (though in Charon's book, he'd always sort of figured, if Gannet continued to prove himself, he may work his way up not only as no-longer-thrall, but perhaps find himself at Hydra's side some day, if he had cared enough to work towards that)... but friends, at least. Seemed it wasn't only his trust that was shat on, Charon thought bitterly, growing frustrated beyond belief that everyone was treating him like some kind of heartless asshole who didn't need to be loved.

Asking Hydra had felt like the same thing at the time, because she was the only one Gannet had felt would miss him. Now he was not only confused, but feeling a slight edge of frustration. He'd asked Charon, clearly, if he was family, and Charon had said no. He'd sat at Omega the entire time he was there, captive status, but Charon was upset he left. It didn't make any sense. He hadn't minded the rank because there weren't any he minded deferring to, but to him it had spoken plainly of his use to the pack. He'd had none.

He still didn't need to apologize. I will come back. But not to stay. Gannet's voice was surprisingly firm. No one wanted me. Now I'm here, but later I might not be. I'll go where I'm wanted and useful. He didn't look Charon in the eye, but he did keep his eyes on his face. Surprisingly he didn't feel afraid of him, just neutral.

Charon didn't know what it was like, Gannet guessed, to live in a place where everyone simply tolerated your presence. He'd tried to make it work for so long, but eventually the disdain (imagined or real) had chipped away at his confidence so thoroughly he'd felt he had no choice. If he was even starting to hate himself, how long would it have been before Hydra hated him too?

He didn't feel he'd lost any honor, but Charon's words did sting a bit. I repaid it. It was never going to be enough. So he'd chosen for Charon, whether the alpha liked it or not. He hadn't had any faith in Gannet, not as more than a captive, and he was making that even clearer with this conversation right now.

Charon didn't believe what Gannet said to be truth, though he recognised that Gannet himself thought it truth. When he was younger, maybe Charon might've valled Gannet a filthy liar and he would've tried to drag him back to Moonspear to hold him to his duties. It didn't matter whether anyone had wanted him. It didn't matter whether he thought he repaid it. They had agreed that he would stay until Charon and Amekaze said that it was repaid.

I and Amekaze were the only ones who could tell you whether it was repaid, because that is what you promised us the day we spared your life, said Charon. I will not take the life I am owed, or drag you back to Moonspear by your scruff, even though I should. Your culture may not dictate it or understand it, clearly, but where I come from, words matter and a wolf sticks to them if they know what is good for them. You forfeited your life to us that day. We didn't kill you so that you may live and serve. That is the promise you made, and that is the promise you broke. It was not entirely so that it was 'his' culture -- youthful Charon had simply picked the 'cool' things from Ragnar and Thistle's viking culture that he liked and applied them to his own life and pack and values -- but even so, it was clear Gannet didn't think he had done wrong, because he didn't understand the viking values behind being a thrall. He didn't understand that they did not kill him only so that he may serve Moonspear for the rest of his life. Yeah, maybe he would've paid it off eventually, but now they would never know if he would've.

I'll stop wasting my time trying to make you understand this shit, Gannet. You were supposed to stay because you forfeited your life to us, but you were supposed to tell me you were leaving personally because you were my friend. His tone was cold, almost as if he did not mean the words. Perhaps because it was clear to him now that Gannet did not consider him anywhere near the same. No matter; he had learned his lesson. Charon turned away from Gannet, his expression cold. As he walked away to find Amekaze again he said decidedly: Next time I find some asshole Redhawk trying to protect a murderer on my borders, I'll just kill him.

Gannet couldn't help but bristle slightly at Charon's threats, even if they were delivered with the assurance he wouldn't be acting on them.

From where he stood, he had stuck well enough. He'd repaid what his life was worth, because if his life had been worth so little while he was there, there wasn't much to repay. And if he'd stayed to the point that his life was worth nothing, then there would have been no point in even trying anymore.

A prisoner can't be a friend. He said plainly, his voice sure. Maybe now they could have been friends, but never while he was there not of his free will. He'd realized after he left that even his friendship with Hydra had needed this - it was better when both got to choose. Otherwise how did he know they really wanted to be his friend?

But if Charon's actions before had seated him firmly in the not friend category, his words and actions now kept him there unequivocably. The mention of his family was just another nail in that coffin - he was so tired of their opinions based on a single member. A member he'd apologized enough for.

Without another word, Gannet turned and departed as well, the opposite way. He wondered what Charon would tell Hydra, and what she would think. He wished he'd been able to visit her before this, but there was no changing it now.

As he made to depart, Gannet threw one last lie at him. Charon laughed -- a laugh filled with Charon's disbelief of Gannet's point of view, and how he really seemed to believe this himself. He made to leave and so did Gannet. He looked over his shoulder as he said, A thrall is not the same as a prisoner. It is so much more. And at the same time, less, for there was a price to pay.

But knowing it fell to deaf ears, he did not explain further and simply left. Gannet clearly did not want to hear it, anyway. His head should have been severed from his rump when they first caught him and destroyed his leg, Charon bitterly thought.

Maybe he would have paid the disrespect back in kind if this was a different day, a different situation. But on the day of the festival, it seemed awfully much like bad luck to Charon to kill or maim someone -- especially on another pack's grounds.