Blacktail Deer Plateau stardust

It's cold. Raid shivers as the cool night breeze ruffles her fur and sends a chill running down the length of her spine. This is her second winter, but she remembers next to nothing about her first. She was a mere pup then, but Raid knows that her young age then is not to blame for her lack of memories, but rather her amnesia. There are still headaches, but they are less frequent now, as if her mind has decided to give up on her old life because she is beginning to find a new one. 

Raid tries her best to shake those thoughts away because the mind, unlike the body, is infinite and thoughts are infinite and once they get started, she's learnt that they rarely ever go away. She can't sleep; she doesn't want to be stuck with her inner demons all night. 

The chocolate girl nearly falls over, her left frontpaw catching on a stray root. She curses, profanities spilling gracelessly out of her mouth, effectively breaking the silence of the night. The moment her lips close, however, the silence is back and she suddenly feels incredibly lonely. Raid knows she shouldn't, but she does and it's like someone's shovelling something in her chest, shovelling something out of her body and replacing it with a hollow of nothingness. 

Raid swallows thickly and glances upwards at the star scattered sky. It's a distant memory, but she remembers she used to look at the moon and the stars when caught up in lonely thoughts and it would soothe her to know she is not alone. Now, it just serves to add to her lonliness and she plods on. Perhaps this midnight patrol would ease her thoughts, but Raid doubts that. In any case, she only hopes it tires her out enough to push her back into the arms of sleep. So, with a heavy sigh, the chocolate wraith begins her patrol, spraying the ground with her scent.

it is night and his body is tired, but his mind remains restless, even curled in the warm den, nestled against his mate's body. sleep evades him. with a quiet murmur to dawn--i won't be long, or far--aditya crawls out of the den and stretches, relishing the sensation of the chilly air on his warmed pelt. under the stars, the brown-and-cream wolf travels, trotting the short distance to the border.

a sound catches his ear, and he sees a young woman already at the border, having cursed aloud and now pacing and spraying the edge of the territory. raid, he believed her name was; they had not formally met. warily keeping his two failed encounters with aviana in mind, aditya approached the girl with a smile, giving a low sound in greeting so as not to startle her.

"can't sleep, too?" adi remarked, casting his golden eyes up at the star-spangled sky. he fell in gentle step alongside her, keeping close enough for friendliness but at a distance where it was unlikely--hopefully--she'd take offense to his presence.

A low chuff rings softly through the air, but to Raid, the sound is sharp, too sharp and she glances upwards immediately. Aditya. As far as the girl can remember, she hasn't really 'met' him - she knows who he is, nonetheless. Information obtained from observations and careless eavesdropping. Still, despite this vague familiarity, his presence stirs at some sort of hidden fear within her and she edges away almost instinctively. It's something of a familiar feeling now - a burning fear which rises whenever a male comes near her. Raid wonders detachedly if it had something to do with her amnesia. Quickly, she puts aside a mental note to talk to someone about it. Maybe...no, she isn't close enough with any of them yet. She didn't trust them.

"Yeah," Raid says, a shadow of a smile flitting briefly over her features as she glances at him. "You could say that." She isn't sure what to say next, so she doesn't speak. It's not like she has anything against him in particular (just some sort of weird fear for his gender) but there is nothing else to say and Raid is a firm believer of not speaking unless necessary. The world, she thinks, is filled with too many people who speak but never say and others who hear but never listen. Too many useless words, thrown carelessly and mindlessly until they hold no more meaning. She loathes that, and so stays silent. She does not feel obliged to carry on a conversation, after all, he is the one who joins her and not the other way around. If he wishes to speak, however, Raid will not object. After all, it's not like she doesn't want to talk to him, but rather, unless he has something to say, silence seems more appropriate than stupid small talk. God, how she hates small talk.

to his satisfaction, she did not shy away as aviana had, answering his question with even a small smile. she was aloof, but not averse. but there was something else, something wrong.

"you arrived at the plateau while i was away," aditya remarked, casting a sideways glance at the woman as they walked. "how did you come to be here?" his question came from a place of curiosity, him naturally having no idea the kind of emotions that query could unleash within her.

she had been a relatively quiet presence on the plateau. adi knew through secondhand talk that she had been the one to tend to grayday and lavender after their run-in with the rogue at the border, but other than that. . .raid had kept mostly to herself, and aditya barely knew her at all.

Of course, he has to ruin this peaceful silence with idiotic words and she is quick to snap, suddenly defensive. "I don't know," she snarks, hackles bristling as she edges away, quickening her pace. "I appeared out of thin air, I guess, and suddenly decided to be here." Raid wonders, for a quick moment, if all males were like him because if they were, she could understand why she felt this particular way towards his gender. But, no, Grayday had seemed nice and understanding...at least as far as she could tell. And as she ponders over Aditya question, she supposes that he probably hadn't entirely meant to screw with her, even if his words unleashed a wave of unwanted thoughts and emotions. 

"Sorry,  I'm sorry, that's not, um, what I meant," Raid apologises quickly, almost as soon as the snarky words leave her lips and her thoughts arrive at the place of 'oh, he didn't mean it like that and you overreacted' and turns to meet Aditya's eyes, if only for a second. "I didn't mean it like that, uh, it's just - I have amnesia. Lost all my memories. I was lucky to meet Grayday - apparently he knew me before and he was nice enough to offer me a place. So yeah, that's how I'm here." I'm basically a charity case, haha, I bet he thinks I'm some stupid fucked up girl now. Well, guess what, I am, and I don't give two shits about what you think of me. You can do whatever the fuck you want.

Of course, none of this is Aditya's fault and Raid doesn't necessarily hate him. She is nervous and scared and jumpy even if she'll rather die than admit that right now, and his words have simply awakened the anxiety within her, causing her defense mechanism to spring forth and attack. It isn't really personal, but Aditya could not know that and truth to be told, Raid didn't really understand either. All she understands is - he fucked up, and she fucked up and now things are really tense and awkward and she might end up getting kicked out of the pack in the middle of winter and she might die, without her memories but that all seems better than being here right now and she honestly just wants to escape, she doesn't want to be here anymore and god she really hates talking to wolves, especially male wolves-

he takes several instinctual steps backward as she lashes out at him, flattening his ears in surprise. . .and not without a little annoyance, either. aviana, raid--were all these new recruits so fragile, so hair-trigger frustrated, that even the most evenly-keeled wolf like aditya could set them off? he was turning to walk away when her apology reached his ears. 

he swung his head around, golden eyes taking in the sight of this frightened girl. amnesia. a fate he wouldn't wish upon his own enemy. "hey, hey," aditya murmured, blinking slowly, his voice level and warm. "it's--sorry. sorry i asked. I had no idea."

he smiled. "grayday is good. we all are. you don't have to be nervous around us. you're a part of us, now." he glanced back over his shoulder, toward the direction of the dens. "i can leave, if you want to be alone. i don't want to intrude."

Oh. Perhaps Raid is mistaken in thinking Aditya is an arsehole. Or an unthinking useless male. Because here he is, all nice and warm and kind and understanding; everything that she didn't expect him to be. Words falter on her tongue and lodge in the back of her throat and she falls silent, somewhat stunned. It's not that she's been abused or anything, as far as she knows or remembers, but it's strange - this is strange and Raid doesn't quite understand, drowning in a tidal wave of sudden confusion. 

"Don't apologise, it's not your fault, you didn't know." There's something robotic about the way she says it, like what she's saying isn't really processing in her mind, like she's saying it because she's conditioned to say it. Raid blinks, tongue flickering out to lick at her lips in an act of nervousness as she listens to the rest of his words. She knows that she's part of Morningside now, but she doesn't feel like it. She feels like an outsider and she knows it's partly her fault - she doesn't interact with her packmates a lot and spends more time alone than with them. Living like that in a pack - she is bound to feel like she doesn't belong. And Raid knows that. Knows it's her problem, but she doensn't know what to do to fix it - too lost and wound up in her own problems and thoughts.

But here is an opportunity. Aditya is a guy and that puts him automatically in her 'can't trust them' books, but he seems nice and warm and someone she can talk to and Raid finds that she's willing to try, at least. "Um, no, it's fine, you can stay," she blurts out, "just - sorry about just now, I really didn't mean to - you know, you didn't know and I just - nevermind. Can we start over?"

confusion and annoyance had given way to sympathy as the girl spoke. she was clearly not in a good place--who could be, after what happened to her?--and thus, had no solid check on her emotions. while he couldn't quite identify with it, himself being fairly even-keeled, he still had no idea how he would react if he walked in her pawsteps. would he be prickly and silent, too?

"yes, we can start over," adi said, smiling. "looks like we just needed a practice run." he returned to her side, once again keeping his distance, though not with the same wariness as before.

"you did a fine job, taking care of grayday and lavender after the incident at the border," he continued, throwing a substantive compliment her way. "i was quite worried when i first found out about what happened, seeing as pema was gone, but i heard you stepped in well. marvelous." at the thought of the intruder, he lifted his leg, spraying down a sapling evergreen before continuing to walk on beside her, waiting for her to add her thoughts. . .on that, or on anything she liked, really.

Raid's muscles slackens as relief rushes through her and a genuine smile blossoms on her face - it's one of the few sincere grins she's sported since her amnesia and subsequent joining of Morningside. It kinda feels good (maybe it's the hormones that the simple action brings) and for a moment, she allows herself to drown in these emotions and live - to forget her amnesia and just be in this moment. The smile only grows at Aditya's compliment and she feels heat crawl up her neck, colouring her cheeks an unflattering colour.

Raid looks away, avoids eye contact, but there is a new glimmer in her formerly sullen amber gaze and the smile refuses to fade away. "Thanks," she mutters, flattered but still unsure, unused to compliments. "It's not..I didn't do a lot, really," she glances upwards at him briefly but looks away just as quickly and rushes to change the subject. "So, Aditya, have you been here long? Morningside, I mean."

he finally feels his worries and doubts over this woman's state of mind slip away as she smiles, an expression that lights up her face, her eyes glittering. he returns the expression, nodding as she accepts his compliment, stumbling over the words a little but gracious nonetheless.

"i've seen wounds like that go wrong several times from infection," he remarked. "you did more than you've just admitted to me."

then she asks of his place in the pack, how he had come to be here, and it was the first real question she had asked in the conversation. progress. "i came in the middle of autumn," adi said. "i washed up on an island just off the coast and made my way to the mainland, where dawn and pema found me and brought me here."

She accepts his compliments with a shy shake of her head, a pleased blush crawling up her neck to color her cheeks. Raid feels happy, she realises a moment later as she swings her head away to avoid looking at Aditya, and for him to be unable to see her expression, after all, god knows what state her face is in right now after his generous compliments. She hasn't been complimented...for as far as she could remember, which wasn't all that far. It is a strange feeling, she likes it, but she doesn't know how to react appropriately to it. But whatever. What is appropriate, anyway?

Aditya tells her his story, but the moment the word 'Autumn' slips past his maw, a sharp knife-like pain stabs at her mind. She exhales sharply, unable to stop the wince from contorting her features. Autumn. Where was I? Here...? The image of a boy flashes through her mind - a grey wolf with charming words and eyes of beautiful blue - and he's smiling at her. Like all the other flitting bits and pieces of memories, the picture is gone as soon as it appeared, leaving her with the ghost of a sweet feeling and a name which she breathes out loud, the sound nothing more than a whisper, lost to the wind as soon as it leaves her lips, but audible to those around her. "Remi.."

he was about to ask her more about healing--he was woefully ignorant in the art--when something he had said seemed to turn her to stone, her face twisting in what appeared to be agony. taking a step back in reflex, he stood quietly as she went through. . .whatever she was going through.

"remi," she whispered, voice far away from here. aditya frowned, hating to see the fear on her face. he had never met an amnesiac, but had always imagined that it was the most terrible thing--perhaps worse than death--to have one's memories snatched away suddenly, without their willing it.

"hey," he murmured, not moving a muscle lest she flee. "it's okay. it's all right. you're here. you're safe." he didn't know what she had gone through in the past, but he hoped his words would bring a shred of comfort to the young woman.

Raid blinks up at Aditya, confused as to why he seemed tense or why he was saying such things. Oh. "I'm okay," she smiles softly at him - there is something about this guy...she feels comfortable around him. How long has it been since she's felt comfortable around anyone? Careful. Don't let your guard down. You've only just met him. Still, Raid doubts Aditya is secretly a bad guy. The probabily of that is simply too low. "Just...a memory. There was a boy, Remi." 

As far as Raid can remember, she hadn't bore any real romantic feelings towards the boy, but there had been feelings. A mess of them. Strange. There was someone else, and someone else before that, though, and the first one - it was the worse. That's all she can recall, that there were someones but already there is a strange yearning in the pit of her stomach and an ache in her heart, as if the feelings had returned even if the memories of the wolves had yet to arrive.

he relaxed when she did, smiling in response. "remi," he echoed. "someone you knew. a boy." a thought came to him suddenly, and he added, "do you want me to ask around for him, when i travel?"

he regretted it almost instantly. what if this remi brought even more confusion and pain to raid's life? what if her old life had been so terrible that forgetting it was better than living a single day more? he did not want to hurt the girl, any more than she'd already been hurt.

"sorry," he apologized, shaking his head. "if that might bring up bad memories, or cause you more pain. . .well, i won't do anything unless you ask me to." he gave her a small smile.

She smiles softly at his suggestion and tilts her head curiously as suddenly, he apologises. She is confused as to why he is sorry before his thoughtful reason renders her surprised and subsequently, a little speechless. "No - don't apologise," Raid reassures him with a shake of her head, "that's- that's really thoughtful of you," she admits quietly. Maybe it's her lack of memories, and so lack of experience with wolves, but she thinks that it is rare to find wolves like Aditya in this heartless world.

"But, no, it's fine, you don't need to ask for him. He's a good friend but, I dunno, I don't want to actively go looking for my past. If he, or any of the others from my past finds me, then that's great and all, but I think maybe..." she trails off, as if unsure. "Maybe..well, I've got you guys now. I should just start on my future and concentrate on the present, right?" Raid glances over at Aditya questioningly. "I mean, I still want my memories back but there's no point wallowing in what's gone."

aditya nodded at her response. he knew exactly what she was talking about, despite not having gone through what her mind had. to leave the past behind and focus on the present was a universal concept--her situation was unique only in that she had little to no memories of what had come before to drag her down. perhaps that was for the better.

"i left my past behind when i came here," he said softly. "decided to stay, instead of looking for old friends. so yes. . .i do think it's what is best."

he turned his muzzle out to the horizon, a faint dark line against the black, star-spangled sky. "but if you ever do want to find him--or anyone from your past--tell me, and i'll ask around," aditya assured her, smiling.

aditya looked over at raid. "have you been given a proper tour of the territory yet? i'd be happy to show you around."

oooh i love these two. <3 i'm gonna fade out here but thanks for threading <3

likewise! <3

Raid would be lying if she said the thought of 'losing her memories for the better' never once crossed her mind. Because it did. Always. Haunting her in her dreams and reality. Thing is, she doesn't believe that. She can't bring herself to think that her lack of memories is a good thing - god, she can't remember anything and anyone. Nothing and nobody. No family, no loved ones, no nothing. It eats at her soul and chills her down to the bone. At least, she tells herself in an attempt to soothe herself, bits and pieces of my past are beginning to come back.

Aditya agrees with her quietly, saying that he, too shares her sentiments. But, still, he tells her that if she ever wants to inquire deeper into her past, he'll be happy to help, and it is this which softens her hardened amber orbs and melts just a little bit of her guard. Just a tiny bit. "Thanks, Aditya," Raid says quietly and though she looks away, there is no doubt that her words are all sincere.

"No, but I'll love one," Raid replies and shoots a shy smile at the man. Maybe, if she's lucky, she'll find a reliable friend in this guy. She sure hopes so.