Larksong Grotto today i finally let go of your infantry

The days following Indra's brief reunion with Saena and Casmir were cast with a gloomy pall. Indra hadn't wanted to leave, but she didn't want to stay either -- when both her mother and Casmir turned away she was awash once more with melancholy. 

A few days time to rest and reflect might have pulled the child from her isolated brooding, but the advent of Jhala's birthed pups spawned a renewed sense of abandonment in the child. She had ignored the den ever since, and had spent her nights in the small crook of a hollowed log. She had gone out of her way to avoid everyone but Laurel, and deep within her a new feeling of scathing resentment bloomed. 

Presently, the child peered out from her makeshift den as the winds above picked up. Without cheer she watched the swarm of leaves skitter noisily across the ground, her mind wandering against her will to the words Casmir had spoken: they were being replaced.

Hiram felt his daughter's absence in and around the den keenly. It affected him so deeply that he could bear it no longer. He rose, leaving the boys in Jhala's care as he set off to find the child that he had not forgotten. The wind blew, and with it came a chill -- a bitter harbinger of winter and the struggle that was to come. However, Hiram's mind did not drift to the natural cycle of the seasons. He had much more on his mind.

He followed her scent a good ways before coming across a hollowed log. Situated inside was his daughter. "Indy," he whispered, voice softer than a breeze. The sorrow in her expression could be read like an open book. He felt guilt's knife slide into his chest, right below his heart. "What's wrong baby?" he implored as he neared her makeshift shelter.

it was unusual to see the bright child so dull, so spiritless. as the wind whipped about her she didn't even pull herself close for comfort; instead she watched the clouds, heavy in their grey monotony, slowly rumble across the horizon.

her refuge was punctured by the crunch of leaves underfoot -- indra's deep honey gaze slid up the rotten walls of the root, up to the dark legs of her father. there was no spark of joy, no wag of a tail - instead, something about her seemed guarded. defensive.

indra may have lacked laurel's impetus, but she did not lack her flair for the dramatic. she sighed as if reek's question was absurd; from her perspective, it was. "everything." she said sourly, placing her head on her paws. "you've replaced us." her voice cracked and a fissure ripped across her apathetic composure and exposed the raw melancholy and vulnerability inside of her.

Hiram had never seen his daughter in this miserable light. Her broken spirit weighed heavy on his heart. She had been so vibrant -- so full of joy. What had happened? But more importantly, Hiram wondered: what could he do? When she finally spoke, the weight of her words dragged Hiram down to the dirt. He settled to his haunches so he could look upon his daughter with earnest eyes.

Of course, he could understand why she felt the way she had. Hiram had spent most of his time in the grotto, with the boys. They were so young. They needed their father present. He had hoped his daughters would come to see their growing family, yet they never came. It saddened Hiram deeply to know that the family he loved so dearly had become this fractured.

He whispered softly with Indra's sadness mirrored in his own voice. "Indy, that's -- no." He sighed and shook his head. "Just because our family has grown doesn't mean you've been replaced. I need you to listen to me. You and your sister are my baby girls, and you always will be. I love you more than you can even imagine." While he had always somewhat known, no one had ever told Reek that parenthood was this hard. All he wanted was his family to come together. To love one another under the light of God. He would pray about this -- and he would pray for his girls.

i think reek is my favorite even if laurel and indra are shits to him!! ack, this post was so hard for me to write from indra's perspective

indra caught wind of her father's sadness, and for a moment she felt a surge of bile and anger. how could he be sad? how? he had everything he wanted, didn't he? he had wanted saena and a family, and he got it. and when they weren't good enough, he found someone else to make a family with. suddenly tears welted her eyes and she jerked away from him, stung -- in that moment all the blame and misfortune of indra's life was wrongly placed at his feet.

"no you don't!" she half yelled, half sobbed -- her fur was damp and wet and tears blurred her vision as she spun away. "if you did you wouldn't have left mom and you wouldn't have made us choose an-and," she choked back a sob with a gasp of raw air: "you wouldn't have found someone else, or her." her words were accusatory and hurtful, but indra was meek doormouse no longer. she had been quiet for too long, and all of the sudden her stifle emotions were brought to the surface with sharp and pristine clarity.

Hiram's heart broke clean in two in the wake of his daughter's emotional outpouring. It was a profound pain -- one the likes of which Hiram had felt only one time before: when he had believed his children to be dead by the hand of Sleeping Dragon. He had failed to protect them then, and now, he had failed in being the father he hoped to be. All of his endeavors that had led to this point had been all for naught. Her words cut so deep, and once again, Hiram was in the same place he had been that terrible day by the lake when he had hoped to drown his misery underneath the wake.

"Indy, I --" Hiram's voice hitched weakly, helplessly. The topic of their mother was still terribly sensitive. Hiram tried his best not to think about Saena, and on good days, her memory did not torment him like it used to. But when she was brought up Hiram could feel all the guilt rush back. "I never wanted to leave Mom." He shook his head and felt a sob rise in his chest. Despite his grave mistake, Reek would have done what was necessary to repair the family he had broken if he had been given the chance.  

"I know it's hard Indy," he said. "But I'm doing the best I can. Jhala isn't your mother, and I don't want her to be some replacement, but there's some things I can't put back together no matter how hard I try. I miss your mother -- I miss her everyday. But even that doesn't compare to the thought of losing you. You and your sister are my heart, you need to know that." Sometimes, Hiram felt his heart had split into four separate pieces and had left his body completely. But try as he might, it was impossible to wrangle all four pieces back together. He looked to his daughter with desperation and said, "I love you dammit."

she was too young to be rational, too naive to recognize the heartbreak in her father's voice. she sniveled, her auburn gaze turning to her father's face. she recognized the pain, but it did not soften her -- she was hurting too! he had replaced her and laurel! it wasn't fair. none of it was fair.

she sniffled again, wiping her wet nose with a ragged paw. he said he loved her. indra loved her father -- just as much as she loved laurel -- but right now she could not articulate this. she just blubbered, still stung by the ugly thought that the puppies were going to replace her, were going to demand more of her father's time. he was her dad first! why did they deserve any piece of him?

"no you don't! jhala will never be our mother! and she'll never love us! and she is going to take you from us and she is going to replace us and mom, just like those puppies are!" she cried loudly, childishly. with a dry heaving sob she rose shakily to her feet and ran away crying, feeling more sorry for herself than she really deserved to.

He understood why Indra felt the way she did, really. However, Indra took the details and misconstrued them to fit her own narrative. Had Hiram been perhaps been too eager to claim the family he had always wanted? Maybe. But it had been the will of Raas that he take Jhala as his bride. The Daystar had presented her to him in her receptive time. The Lord was clear in His intent. How could Hiram could defy the will of God?

Yet, to see his choices (even if they were the right choices) cause his daughters pain brought the Cardinal unparalleled grief. This was yet another test of faith. It had to be. Why would Raas have put him though so much to lose his daughters now?

Just as he could not give up on the Lord, Hiram could not give up on his his girls. So, as she bolted away he followed behind. "Indy. Wait," he called out as he took long strides behind her in the hopes that she would stop long enough to talk this through.