Redtail Rise gunmetal

catching up! probably my only post, since i wrote ANOTHER gd novella D;

More distant than ever, slunk into a pit of self-imposed isolation, Carrion belatedly joined her gathered packmates just as the choice of a new leader was dangled before the crowd like a bit of juicy prey. (Though "joined" would be a stretch of the imagination, as she appeared just within earshot of the Wealda, off to the side and well apart from those who stood properly before her.)

She was only here out of loneliness. Only just starting to miss what mild socialization she had enjoyed before. She had sheltered herself from all of it. All of the changes and the turmoil and the tragedy and aggression and heat! and confusing adult feelings and now another pillar gone gone gone—

She was exhausted, really, but now it had become apparent that in protecting herself, in sequestering away and letting things happen without her consent, she had potentially lost someone she didn't know she could miss.

Her sistermother had never been gone this long.

Which lent to the theory that she wasn't coming back, and whether because she wouldn't or couldn't hardly even mattered at this point. The fact was that Masquerade and her cock-eyed mate had left and not returned.

And, still, the world turned over day and night, again and again. Things went on, and now the new Wealda demanded another head. A replacement. Already?

Carrion blamed herself at first, for not showing any support for Masquerade in their most trying days. But the fact of the matter was that she simply did not have the emotional capacity to do so; to express the empathy required to comfort another or join in their grief. She'd shown the same indifference towards her own littermates at the death of their mother, nor had she cared enough about the leading rank to put any sort of thought towards who belonged there after.

She felt a renewed pang in her birdbreast as she watched the proceedings with a blank look. But it was lesser this time, as she had selfishly begun to replace her feelings of guilt with feelings of blame towards the one who was not here. It felt better this way. Because this way, she didn't have to think about what she might've done wrong.

So now, it was all on Masquerade: if she did not care enough to stay, then she should be replaced. And it wasn't their fault she was gone! Just because she lost a fight she'd initiated and no one else joined her? If she wanted the rank so badly then she should have fought again and again and again and again and—

Wait a tick. Had Masquerade thought that their love equated to her being Wealda? Did she want them - those who she'd literally cared for her whole life - to rise up and demand that she be Wealda? Was that actually too much to ask? Did it not make sense for her to lead when she had always been there, and Redd had only just returned?

No. Stop it. This sounds like you're responsible somehow, which can't possibly be true... Make it her fault again.

Masquerade had been indecisive herself on what she wanted and yet she expected them to make a decision? Did she expect to lead them despite the fact she had been injured and gave up the fight? If she felt unloved, it was because she wanted something she could not force herself into. She felt weak, so she left.

There. Much better.

Except, it didn't actually feel better. In fact, the only thing that erased both her guilt and irritation at the thought of Masquerade intentionally staying away was the thought that she might just be dead. Unable to return felt better than any other implication. Even this was preferable to imagining that she had been abandoned by another parent.

Carrion watched everything disinterestedly, completely unseeing and lost in her own thoughts, which quietly resumed its regularly scheduled program.

I guess...

Where a star has burnt out, another will shine.