suspended between survival and civility
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❝ I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you’ve always wanted to be, and feel alone. ❞
― Daniel Keyes, Flowers for Algernon
― Daniel Keyes, Flowers for Algernon
As the weeks passed and Annasiak was left with just her thoughts and her offspring for company, a bitterness had placed itself upon her shoulders and rooted in her chest. One such day as she fussed over the sleeping forms of her babes, Annasiak also labored over her emotional failures.
She had loved Blondine, but Blondine had been more taken by Indra. Nunataq's chest rose and fell in a slow sleepy rythm. She had loved Tadec and his hain, but Tadec had loved Indra more. Yakone's small paws reached out and traced the fading curve of her mother's teat as she rocked fitfully in her sleep. She had loved Alexander, but even he had favored the Redleaf girls more than his wife. It did not matter to her what he said — his intentions were evident in the way the girls were allowed to behave. Marten mewled in defiance of the tiredness that that weighed his limbs.
She curled a leg around her son and continued to dwell. Had he really ever stood up for his wife? Even when the girls had cornered Annasiak and her children in their own whelping den, what had her mate been concerned with? It was them — not his wife, or the children who she felt had been in danger. Was Laurel okay? The further back she reached in her memory, the more it seemed had been that way as long as she could recall.
When Annasiak had guarded Xan during her heat and he had promised her so he would stay true, had he not bedded down with Laurel? When Indra had cornered her at the mouth of the valley after her return when she had been swollen from abuse and seeping with infection, had Alexander not also punished his wife? When she had made an attempt to eat alongside her packmates at the hunt, had she not been met with both of their white-hot fangs?
It struck her that she did not want a husband who only stood up for her in private where he could shush her with false promises and punish her when things went wrong. She wanted to be loved like Indra was — Indra who had a sister who was wholeheartedly devoted; Indra, who despite her unbridled ferocity was able to steal the heart of every wolf in the valley except for its former matriarch. Indra, who had ensnared everyone that the raven had ever loved.
What was so different between herself and Indra, anyway? Why was it that wolves did not look down on those with physical disability — like Indra's dock-tail — but did not have to think twice about taking advantage of the no-named wolf of poor intelligence? The world had been laughing at her for things she had done when she had known no better. Alexander had stolen the wild from her bones and seduced her instead with whispered promises of home; he had spun her a fantasy of silk and foolishly she had believed him until each one of his promises crumbled before her. The realization had crept upon her slowly but now it crashed on her full-force. This cursed valley had systematically cut off every sense of security that she'd one held for herself. Each day that passed between Bearclaw's walls choked off a little more of her breathing room — she had not realized it until she was suffocating.
The next few hours were spent pacing, brooding, grieving.
She had reached a conclusion, but the fruits of her labors were not so sweet.
Her form bent over her children and she smoothed her tongue over each of them, gentle enough to not rouse them from their juvenile slumber. She was so proud of how they had grown. Already they were so big and independent, and they were almost weaned. They would do fine without her here.
She stood and choked before she turned from the den that held everything she'd ever built. She took one moment to allow her eyes to linger over her babies, the den she'd carved with Xan before she made her way out.
Once more, she was a wolf with no name. She could no longer think of herself as Annasiak, a name that had once enchanted her as Alexander taught her how to shape her mouth to make the sounds came out right. There was something to be cherished in each name she coaxed from every intrigued stranger. Maybe her guardian angel and her snowbear would give her one, too.
She fled North. To the coast, she would be born again.
She had loved Blondine, but Blondine had been more taken by Indra. Nunataq's chest rose and fell in a slow sleepy rythm. She had loved Tadec and his hain, but Tadec had loved Indra more. Yakone's small paws reached out and traced the fading curve of her mother's teat as she rocked fitfully in her sleep. She had loved Alexander, but even he had favored the Redleaf girls more than his wife. It did not matter to her what he said — his intentions were evident in the way the girls were allowed to behave. Marten mewled in defiance of the tiredness that that weighed his limbs.
She curled a leg around her son and continued to dwell. Had he really ever stood up for his wife? Even when the girls had cornered Annasiak and her children in their own whelping den, what had her mate been concerned with? It was them — not his wife, or the children who she felt had been in danger. Was Laurel okay? The further back she reached in her memory, the more it seemed had been that way as long as she could recall.
When Annasiak had guarded Xan during her heat and he had promised her so he would stay true, had he not bedded down with Laurel? When Indra had cornered her at the mouth of the valley after her return when she had been swollen from abuse and seeping with infection, had Alexander not also punished his wife? When she had made an attempt to eat alongside her packmates at the hunt, had she not been met with both of their white-hot fangs?
It struck her that she did not want a husband who only stood up for her in private where he could shush her with false promises and punish her when things went wrong. She wanted to be loved like Indra was — Indra who had a sister who was wholeheartedly devoted; Indra, who despite her unbridled ferocity was able to steal the heart of every wolf in the valley except for its former matriarch. Indra, who had ensnared everyone that the raven had ever loved.
What was so different between herself and Indra, anyway? Why was it that wolves did not look down on those with physical disability — like Indra's dock-tail — but did not have to think twice about taking advantage of the no-named wolf of poor intelligence? The world had been laughing at her for things she had done when she had known no better.
She had never doubted her self worth until now.
The next few hours were spent pacing, brooding, grieving.
❝ I am not only a thing, but also a way of being — one of many ways — and knowing the paths I have followed and the ones left to take will help me understand what I am becoming. ❞
― Daniel Keyes, Flowers for Algernon
― Daniel Keyes, Flowers for Algernon
Her form bent over her children and she smoothed her tongue over each of them, gentle enough to not rouse them from their juvenile slumber. She was so proud of how they had grown. Already they were so big and independent, and they were almost weaned. They would do fine without her here.
She stood and choked before she turned from the den that held everything she'd ever built. She took one moment to allow her eyes to linger over her babies, the den she'd carved with Xan before she made her way out.
Once more, she was a wolf with no name. She could no longer think of herself as Annasiak, a name that had once enchanted her as Alexander taught her how to shape her mouth to make the sounds came out right. There was something to be cherished in each name she coaxed from every intrigued stranger. Maybe her guardian angel and her snowbear would give her one, too.
She fled North. To the coast, she would be born again.
The time has come! @Nunataq and @Marten are welcome to follow Mommy to Undersea given @Xan's permission; @Yakone will be coming with Mom. Feel free to post in this thread, but Reigi is already gone and won't be responding. I will archive in one week if there are no replies. :)
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Messages In This Thread
i. philosophia - by Reigi - May 06, 2018, 06:52 PM
RE: i. philosophia - by Indra - May 06, 2018, 08:34 PM
RE: i. philosophia - by Maegi - May 06, 2018, 09:43 PM
RE: i. philosophia - by Xan - May 11, 2018, 12:58 AM