Moonspear some nights i feel like i have died

He thought of her as Eir and he had left her the broken body of an hare. Kaylan didn't know how to say goodbye. No one had ever said it to him. They simply left. And so that was what he did. He felt strange doing it. It would have felt stranger if he had waited until she returned from wherever she had gone to then leave. He didn't like the way he felt inside— and Kaylan ran whenever that happened.

He found himself near the forest that had been lit with fireflies the night he had nearly died. The night he had last seen his brothers. He didn't know why he had come back. To kill them? To live with them? Kaylan was conflicted as he explored the area. He did not know what pack they belonged to. Only that he had seen Floki twice in this area of the Wilds.

Kaylan came upon the thick scent of wolves— perhaps the remnants of a hunt— and followed the trail back to a mountainside. He paused well outside of the borders and watched the range pensively. It seemed odd that his brothers would leave the coast.

Or perhaps not. They had left him.

He growled to himself. His internal conflict— stay or go— only made him angry. Kaylan didn't know how to handle it. The near-yearling's entire body was tense and his skin felt twice too small for his bones. A badger's burrow was nearby— he could smell that— and it became the vent for his ire. Kaylan approached and began to dig furiously upon finding it.

The stink of sulfur clung to Wildfire's pelt as she made her way home, not that she was aware of it. She enjoyed the cool, fresh air on her face as she headed back to Moonspear. By the time she neared the borders, her feet were soaking wet and very cold, yet she didn't mind. Besides, something distracted her from thinking too long on her freezing toes. The young she-wolf paused, brows knitting lightly together, as she realized there was a figure in her path, standing between her and the pack's territory.

She didn't recognize him, at least not immediately. Wildfire slowed slightly, her body language throwing off a series of question marks as she came upon the stranger from behind. Was this a newcomer, perhaps? He seemed to be digging furiously. When his scent drifted toward her, it was vaguely familiar. Her tongue ran over her lower lip as she tried to place it. It took a moment, then her amber eyes widened. Kaylan?

Aware that he would likely dart off like a jackrabbit for a third time if she made her presence known, Wildfire nonetheless called out, "Hey." Her voice was neither sharp nor loud, though she braced herself as she waited for the inevitable snarl and flight.

He dug at the burrow with an intensity that was at odds with his condition a mere month ago. He was not healthy by any means— merely better than he had been. Better enough that he could travel some distance. Kaylan would die if he stayed much longer on his own. He would make it back to Eir alive if he turned back the way he came. He wasn't sure why he dug. A badger's den no less. He would certainly come away with some wounds if the ornery creature were home. He was lucky thus far. There was no hissing emanating from the burrow. And digging was releasing some of his built up tension.

A voice interrupted him just before he would get too close to the badger for it to continue its uncharacteristic patience. He pulled away and turned. He was tense but no longer aggressive— at least for now. Merely cautious.

Recognition did alight in his dark eyes. Kaylan furrowed his brows in confusion. A low growl— soft and quick— escaped him as he associated the fiery being with his brothers. Floki had always been with her. Kaylan's eyes darted suspiciously. He both wanted his brother and hated him. His voice was a rumbling question when it was clear his brother did not accompany her, "Freyja?"

He whirled to face her and Wildfire waited for the pattern to repeat. It didn't, at least not right away. He stared at her guardedly, then recognition seemed to hit him. There it was, the inevitable snarl. But it remained low and ebbed quickly. More importantly, he didn't flee. In fact, he spoke. She didn't recognize the word—she hadn't heard his hoarse whisper the last time—but it sounded like Norse to her.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that means," Wildfire replied, maintaining her cautious distance. She had the distinct feeling that he would run away at any moment and felt an inexplicable need to keep him here for once, to get him to talk. "Are you Kaylan? My name is Wildfire," she introduced in a soft voice, offering a small (and hopefully encouraging) smile.

charon was just finishing up a patrol when he happened upon Kaylan and Dhole. It was coincidence that he did, but it only took the noticing of the growl that Kaylan shared for him to come into action. Why Dhole did not, he didn't know, but he would protect her; even from his own brother, if he had to.

Tail curled over his back and hackles raised, Charon approached with his head lifted proudly. He stood beside Dhole, and hoped that if nothing else, at least Kaylan had his instincts left to tell him not to challenge the resident Alpha and his brother, no matter how frustrated he apparently was. "What do you want?" asked Charon, not unkindly, but neither fondly; Kaylan would've received a warmer welcome had he come unarmed, but after growling at Dhole he would need to win that privilege back the hard way.

Thanks for being patient while holidays and R&R took over for a bit there. :)

It was only Freyja. She was new and that was a balm on Kaylan. The names that he loved and hated— that would cycle on repeat at times— made his blood hot and his head fuzzy. He could forget them with someone new. For a time. Even if he had only ever seen her with his brother. She was new. She had nothing to do with it. Kaylan wasn't even sure what it was. Things were so confused. He often couldn't tell if he were dreaming or awake. He couldn't trust his memories.

She said something about not knowing what he meant. He did not bother to clarify. Perhaps it was different here— but she would always be Freyja to him. The youth bowed his head in absentminded confirmation. He repeated, "Kaylan." He wasn't much for words. It was easier to show what he wished with his body and posture. Kaylan was beginning to relax when a white male approached. All dominant and angry.

That caused him to tense. He yet remained upon the foothills of the mountain. He did not know that it was claimed. He only knew that this place was free of markers and that his brothers were likely to be nearby. Charon's presence was enough to make Kaylan confused and nervous all over again— his indifferent tone caused the yearlings lips to peel back slightly in frustration. No sound escaped. His usual kingly posture was absent and replaced with that of a frightened pup putting on its calmest face— his paws shifted slowly from side to side. Stay? Or go?

At first he didn't know how to respond. The question asked by Charon was that which haunted Kaylan so. He was similarly in need of the answer. Only now it finally occurred to him.

"Home." It was simple. It was everything. His dark blue eyes dared meet Charon. It was not a challenge— the lack of it in his posture should communicate such— but filled with the pain and confusion that had been plaguing the youth for so long.

He confirmed his identity and Wildfire was thinking of what to say next when Charon appeared. Sensing his defensiveness, she immediately crouched into a submissive posture. He demanded to know what Kaylan wanted and she relaxed slightly, knowing the Alpha's beef wasn't with her. She bit her lower lip, wondering if Charon's direct approach would scare Kaylan away again. But he didn't flee. He just muttered a single word: "Home."

Sensing the estrangement between the older and younger brothers, the would-be diplomat decided to mediate a little. "You've been on your own a while, haven't you?" she guessed, peering speculatively at Kaylan. "What sort of skills did you learn that you could bring to Moonspear?" Even as she asked, she glanced sideways at the Alpha, hoping he didn't mind her interference. If he did, he just needed to say the word and she would happily step back and be quiet.

Charon wasn't really sure how to respond to Kaylan just showing up like this. He stayed this time though, not running away... For now. He wanted nothing more than to embrace his brother and give him a home, but at the same time, he was afraid to open up his heart; afraid that it would be in vain, that his heart would be torn apart again as soon as he handed it to Kaylan. And so he remained neutral and cold, feeling frustrated with his own incapability to deal with this on a subconscious level, but projecting all frustration onto the subject of his torment — Kaylan.

"Why did you leave in the first place?" Charon asked Kaylan. He could've stayed safely with the fam; it was his choice to leave, somehow, some way. Maybe he'd also gotten caught up in some way, but he would find out soon enough. Charon shot Wildfire a brief smile between stern gazes to indicate it was okay that she was asking Kaylan questions too; she could focus on the important stuff for the pack, and Charon could focus on the important stuff for him.

Charon's fears mirrored Kaylan's own. Broken hearts too afraid to risk trust once again. That the one had abandoned the other. Blame. Frustration. The inability to deal with it all. The white beast shifted slightly towards Freyja without realizing he had done it. Putting more space between he and his brother. She asked him some small questions. Charon immediately asked him a large one.

Kaylan's ears went back and he then took a step away from them both. This was overwhelming. It was almost as bad as he had feared. He didn't know how to answer any of them— not really. And Charon's question sparked a fire in Kaylan's chest that threatened to overtake any willingness to answer the questions posed by Freyja.

"Storm," he answered his brother. The word was laced with frustration and anger. "It took me. You left me to it." And hadn't bothered to look for him. Kaylan was in pain and did not know how to manage it. This was apparent in even this short answer— an answer that was long for him. He glanced helplessly at Freyja. Wasn't that enough to answer her? He had been alone since the storm. He had survived this long. Hunting on his own. Fighting off whatever was needed to ensure he continued to live. Wasn't that enough?

He didn't seem to mind her inquiries. He even added one of his own. Wildfire peered speculatively at Kaylan, still concerned that he might snap and flee at any given moment. He appeared agitated and took a step backward. Even if he didn't run away yet again, could they even help him? If anyone had ever fit the term loose cannon, he was it.

When he answered, there was an accusation in his reply. Wildfire sensed that Charon would not appreciate it and gave him a quick, helpless glance. Before he could say anything, she made an attempt to mediate by sharing, "I got lost in the storm too. My whole pack looked for me but I had to find my own way back. There was just so much going on and too much wilderness for them to track me down. I'm positive nobody ever meant to leave you, Kaylan."

She paused deliberately, wondering when Charon would speak up and what he would say, then added, "But you found your way here. Like you said, it's home, if you want it to be." If he could contribute—and if Charon could make room in his heart and home—then there was a place for even this wildcard in Moonspear.

Like Dhole guessed, the accusation did not go over will with Charon. He'd tried to glue the shambles of his broken family together, and he had been barely a child himself. Not yet an adult. His hackles rose, tail twitching tensely to show his displeasure; Dhole's attempts to fix things were lost on him.

The fact that Dhole offered Kaylan a home, pretending like it was his choice and not Charon's, further infuriated the young Alpha. "It's your choice, if you decide you can behave like an adult and take responsibility for your own life. How were we supposed to find you when you all ran off?! I offered safety from the storm and picked you all up even though I was barely an adult myself. How could we even have known where you were?! If you want to join Moonspear, you'll have to crawl out of your own--" He paused briefly, deciding to try to be the better wolf and adult here. "You have to stop being a victim. What can you contribute to my pack? " Perhaps if he was a different wolf Charon would have felt obligated to take his pathetic, shit-spouting brother in, but Charon would have no trouble turning Kaylan down if he didn't start grovelling for a spot in the pack soon.

To emphasise his intents, Charon puffed himself up more, teeth bared slightly to reveal a small hint of white teeth; but enough, he hoped, to make Kaylan submit and swallow his rude words. What was it with his family coming here and throwing shit at him for stuff they had done?

It was a massive communication failure all around— but neither knew this. Only that they had been wronged and had been hurt and the other was unwilling to budge. Kaylan hadn't meant to accuse his brother— not truly— only explain what had happened. That he hadn't left. That the storm took him. That he had been alone ever since and had not known how to get back. He was young and had been young. The entire ordeal left him completely unsocialized and yet he clung to the idea of family. Remained loyal to them even as the memory of them caused him pain.

But the tirade of words that fell upon him like blows told him everything he needed to know— this was not the brother he had lost. He had been looking for 'home' and for a brief moment thought he had stumbled upon it. But this would not be it. Charon was making it abundantly clear that Kaylan was not welcome here. Kaylan was proud. He was a thousand kings. He was flirting with death— but he would rather be invited into Valhalla over abandoning his pride and swearing oaths to a false king.

He pedaled backward once more as he fought back rage— any ounce of fear was now replaced with a haze of red. He would not attack his own brother. But neither would he bow to him. Words were difficult for the youth and he now struggled to form them. "Storm took me. I looked for you. Months on my own. Survived. Am here," Kaylan emphasized. He had found them. He had taken responsibility for his own life.

"Head is broken," this he admitted. It was painful to do so. "But could offer teeth. For food— for protection." Charon likely wouldn't care. But Kaylan wanted him to know what he was about to lose.

"Not now."

He had only stumbled upon his brother's kingdom. He wanted to speak to them and nothing more. And so he had. His dark eyes considered Freyja, brows furrowed. You are nice. He wanted to say. He bowed his head to her slightly instead and took another step back— putting space between he and Charon. Ready to run.

Charon didn't sugarcoat things. Wildfire cringed slightly when he shouted at Kaylan, explaining his perspective and informing the young wolf that he would have to stop playing the victim in order to gain acceptance. Uncertain as to whether any of that irritation was due to her own words, the young she-wolf pulled her shoulder blades closer together and lowered her head and body slightly. Her black tail fell limp behind her as she shot Kaylan a glance, wondering how he would react to the Alpha's harsh words.

In stops and starts, he clarified what he meant, then offered his teeth. But in the next instant, he said, "Not now." Wildfire's brow furrowed, the expression deepening when Kaylan took several steps backward, his body language announcing an imminent intent to turn and run. She remained silent and motionless now. She had done her best to mediate, yet it hadn't really done much to help, so she figured her best bet at this point was to let this play out between the brothers.

Words did not come easy to Kaylan. As far as Charon was concerned, he did not even need to say anything; beside perhaps apologising or saying something else useful. Instead, without submitting, he said some things, of which part made sense to Charon.

Then he said 'not now', whatever the hell that meant, and tried to leave. Charon wanted nothing more than to see his family complete and his brother home, so this move frustrated him intensely. "You belong here, brother. You would run away again? " There was passive aggressive anger shining through his voice, but there was also deal desperation there that betrayed that the king of Moonspear did not want to lose his brother again. It felt like Jorunn all over again; Charon felt like he was grasping at straws to keep his brother here while Kaylan pushed him away. If even submitting was too much to ask, though, Charon did not know if the situation could be salvaged and bent in his favour.

Freyja fell silent. That bothered him but he thought he understood that. He was not in tune with his emotions (though he was evidently very emotional) and even he knew the atmosphere here had grown thick with tension. He would run soon and it would be over. He stood defensively. Sure that Charon would not respond well to his statements— that he would be chased off or worse. His brother's next words were still angry. But they were not a personal attack. It was easier to deal with somehow.

Kaylan relaxed slightly and paused in his retreat. "Do I?" His voice was soft this time. Uncertain. "This Kaylan?" He knew that he was changed. He knew that he wanted to be near family. That he wanted to heal. But what would he be when that happened? Certainly not the same Kaylan that Charon knew.

we can skip wildfire, with permission :)

The words that garbled from Kaylan's mouth were not very understandable, and Charon's face scrunched together while he tried to listen to them, understand them and puzzle out what Kaylan was actually trying to say. It was obvious that Kaylan wasn't the same Kaylan that had left them, but at least he hadn't changed his name. At least he was still Kaylan. And if he worked hard enough, Charon was certain that Kaylan could find his place in the pack.

At least he'd stopped running now. Charon didn't want Kaylan to run, but there was one thing that he needed to be sure of. What with Jorunn's attitude issues at times, Charon wanted to be sure Kaylan would respect him in the same way that Flóki did. "You belong here, Kaylan. If you accept me as the Alpha -- the Jarl -- I am now, you can stay here. I'll help you heal, feed you, and take care of you. It will be hard work to get over the bumps you've been through, but I'm sure that you can do it, Kaylan." There was no honour in dying from starvation because of false pride, Charon felt, and so he looked at Kaylan imploringly, putting his offer on the table, and hoping that his lost brother was smart enough to know to take it with both arms.

His tension wilted dramatically at Charon's next words— perhaps overcome with relief. His fears had been quelled. It surprised the young beast to realize that much that had driven him these past months had been fear. He didn't like to think that he was afraid of anything. But he had feared rejection by his own blood. Feared death. Feared the changes that had ruined his young life and feared the changes that would come. But Charon seemed to absolved himself of anger with the first blaming tirade— and now he emphasized his faith in Kaylan. Acceptance.

It was pride that had kept Kaylan from accepting Charon before he had been accepted himself. He stopped in his retreat. He remained proud in the shoulders— but his head bowed. Kaylan would die if he did not acquiesce; that was as much part of this decision as anything.

"Jarl." he stated finally. Unsure of what was next.

There was a silence between them, but Charon felt like there was an understanding forming. The radars in Kaylan's head were whirling, and eventually his head bowed, the gesture and single word showing his eventual respect for him. Another wolf, Charon may have wished to push to the ground at this point, after so much discussion and heavy gestures between them, but not Kaylan, like with Jorunn, who was of his own blood (or so it felt to Charon).

Charon closed the distance between them and with a couple of wags of his tail the young Alpha pressed the side of his face against Kaylan, inhaling his scent and, while affectionately welcoming his brother into his pack, rubbing his own scent on Kaylan to show the world -- and Kaylan -- that he was now a part of Moonspear. @Wildfire was momentarily forgotten, though Charon imagined she would be pleased. She seemed to like positive outcomes to any situation, big sop that she was.

She really thought the situation was beyond saving, though the next several moments proved her wrong, much to Wildfire's delight. The tension broke like a wave as Kaylan accepted Charon's dominance. The Alpha moved forward to usher the frazzled young wolf into his ranks and she was right behind him, tail lower than Charon's but partially lifted as it wagged back and forth. Tentatively, she reached out to touch her cool nose to Kaylan's shoulder in welcome.

"Welcome home," she said, deciding to count this as a triumphant recruitment, at least in part. Happily, she bumped both males again and turned, black tail wriggling as she began leading the way into Moonspear's heart.

last post!

He was bewildered by this entire exchange— but there was also a strange current of relief. He stood awkwardly as Charon moved to embrace and mark him with the pack's scent. Kaylan laid he head briefly upon the Alpha's shoulder after a beat. It felt strange. He was less sure of what to do when Freyja's cool nose touched him and so returned the gesture; not sure if it was proper or if it was what was expected. They began to lead him into the territory after that— and Kaylan followed in silence.

He would follow them on this tour. But he would feel like an outsider even after— and would seek a den of his own just outside of these borders. Pack life was overwhelming. It was difficult enough to be reunited with his siblings. Better to take it one step at a time.

i'll archive! :3

It was strange to be close to Kaylan after so long, especially because even though he was close, part of him also felt very far away. Charon desperately wanted a good relation with his siblings — he preferred to feel the same towards Kaylan and Jorunn as he did of Flóki, who was both his brother and best friend — but with Jorunn, it was providing a rocky path so far. Kaylan would likely bring the same, but the young Alpha could not bring himself to turn his brother out into the snow, knowing he would likely find death in the state that he was in. He could only hope that his hard work for his brother would one day be repaid by being a functional part of his pack and by appreciating all that Charon had done for him by giving his undivided loyalty from this day on.

After the scent-exchanging and welcoming ceremony was done, Charon turned to follow Dhole deeper into the territories to show Kaylan the area and, more importantly, to some much-needed food.