Larksong Grotto shatter

 

discussion of suicidal ideation!

she didn't know how long it had been in the back of her mind.  it was like a streetlamp that flickered on too early, while the sun was still risen: overhanging soft, silent, ever-present.  kill yourself.

it lingered over every facet of her life.  when she was patrolling, she sometimes wondered what it would be like if a lone wolf came and stole the breath from her lungs.  when she strolled into alarian's den, she always fantasized what it would feel like to consume his herbs and come to an end.

normally, she could push it down.  and as eris, she had pretended to forget what it was like entirely.  zamael had caused the floodgates to burst, and now it had all come back to her in an overwhelming flood of emotion.  

so when she ran headfirst into the danger of larksong grotto, she did not fear for her safety, and when her dainty paw slipped and her too-small body cracked against the staircase of steep ledges she could only feel relief.

somehow,she escaped relatively unscathed but as night fell around the ever-green grove, lanawyn eris keil was not safe yet.  she would have to find her way out, and it would not prove to be an easy task without help.

he needed to apologize. he'd left alarian so abruptly, in the lurch, feeling the utmost shame and guilt. he spent an introspective few days on dawnlark plains, avoiding company as he tried to figure out what to do next. apologizing to alarian was first on the agenda--the relations between their packs depended on it--so the golden male headed north, feeling strangled.

aditya didn't know what exactly drew him to the grotto--perhaps a search for some solitude and peace, before arriving at bracken sanctuary--but he found himself trotting carefully down the steps, slipping a few heart-stopping times but recovering. he expected to be alone, so the pair of orange eyes took him aback. startled (but thankfully on the ground, now) he took a few steps in reverse, bristling until he could make out the familiar scent, the face known to him.

"erm, hello, lanawyn," he greeted, trying to recover some of his lost dignity. he cleared his throat. "nice to see you." there was a look in her gaze that troubled him, slightly, and his ears flattened a bit, mouth tensing in worry. "are you all right?"

he came tumbling from above but even then she did not notice him, so dazed she was.  it was only when the name lanawyn cut through the chilly night air did her gaze solidify, her head whipping towards the stranger with teeth bared.  it's eris, she asserted before she realied who she was faced with, and she took a few sprawling steps backwards, tail straightening behind her.

"i said yes," came echoing back to her — did aditya understand what he had done?  had it been on purpose?  her face went through a variety of emotions before she settled on a level stare.  she swore to secrecy.  oh, she breathed, trying to force something more amicable to come forth.

but she could muster nothing.

her retort was a surprise--that wasn't the name she'd introduced herself as--but he adjusted quickly, blinking once or twice before speaking again. "eris. sorry."

the range of emotions that traveled across her face as realization sunk in for her. . .a ball of ice formed in his stomach, and aditya swallowed, casting his gaze away. of course, alarian had told her what happened. why wouldn't he have? it was up to the young man what details he would have shared, but even the overall story was shameful. there was no coming out of this gracefully.

"look," aditya said gently, meeting her eyes, his mouth twisted in remorse. "something happened. . .between alarian and me. i came north to speak to him about it. will you walk with me, back to the sanctuary?"

the ghost of every mistake he had ever made whispered in his ears, telling him to go back, go home. to leave well enough alone. alarian would surely heal in time; right now must not be the right time to make amends. not with what he had seen in lanawyn's--eris's--face.

no, you didn't know, i didn't mean —  ah, and then things were unbearably tense through aditya's admission.  something rolls in her own stomach, lips flattening.  i know what happened.

she took several steps forward to swallow the distance she had created.  i won't be following you to the sanctuary.  she pauses for a beat to assess her situation, then lowered her gaze.  but i can't get out of here alone.  is this the grotto?

he licked dry lips. "do you?" he asked gently, holding her gaze. then, as she went on to speak, adi's ears perked in question. "i believe so," he said in answer to her query, "though i'm not for sure. in any case, all we'll have to do is climb back out, which is manageable. . .but we'll have to be careful." he pointed his nose toward the winding path he'd taken. "small, slow steps."

aditya began to pad that way, but halted, looking back at her. "so, you won't be following me to the sanctuary? or you won't be going to the sanctuary at all?" he thought it merited asking. her question left the door wide open for interpretation. he didn't blame her in the least if she wanted to stay away after what she'd learned.