lift me higher, let me look at the sun
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a bit of PP on @Hieronymous let me know if you want me to change anything wanted to get this up tonight before I forget. Takes place 6/17 early morning overcast weather. @Dandelion @Primrose @Blackberry @Nutmeg all tags are for reference sorry if some parts don't make sense it is midnight ramble hours and messy feelings time
Edit: oh god I'm so sorry its 10x longer than I thought it would be and its 2am what happened
Edit: oh god I'm so sorry its 10x longer than I thought it would be and its 2am what happened
The weeks had passed fast since the birth of her kids. All things considered, it seemed as if things might actually turn out alright. The visits from @Speedy had gone from less frequent to non-existent over the past week, she didn't need to ask, the healer was nearing her own due date when she had given birth. Chances were she was spending time with the new additions to her family. The Count wondered what they were like, how many would there be this year? There would be plenty of time for her to find out soon.
Ira was thankful for the other litters, with no fathers for her own it was good that her kids would at least have some wolves their age to grow up with. Perhaps even the Empire kids could befriend Kaistleoki's little ones. Lately, her mind drifted to her friend. Reiko had made a sudden visit way to close to her due date, it didn't seem right. Even Speedy seemed to catch that her vacation seemed strange. Had something happened? Reiko insisted otherwise, but Ira still wished she would have stayed a bit longer. She understood though, the Empress had duties now and she had been insistent to get back to them.
The Count couldn't say she didn't feel the same. The days slipped by while she remained den bound and as always, her paws itched to get moving once more. Ira had grown ever grateful for Hieronymous as the weeks passed. Thanks to the painted knight she was able to stay updated on the borders and Kaistleoki's patrons. The days turned into routine and soon she would be eagerly awaiting the times of day that the knight stopped by for meals and small talk. The den was quiet when he was gone, not that her children didn't keep her busy, but their babbling was not the same. It was the silence that ate away at her, the times when she was truly alone with her thoughts.
The new mother had been doing her best to avoid the negative. It wouldn't do any good now to worry, all she could do was be there for her children. Sleep had been troubling after she gave birth. Any comfort she found never lasted long, her children often kept her up with their many needs. The past week's sleep had finally come more naturally, perhaps that's why she hadn't noticed. It was the first time she truly dreamed since chaos consumed her life. It had been a pleasant dream, but something remained haunting about it. Something wasn't right, yet when the Count fought the feeling she only seemed to be pulled in further.
Ira awoke with a start greeted by the early morning chill. Whatever memories she had of the dream had slipped away upon her reawakening, but the feeling remained. The roan woman turned, intent on nosing her children ensuring all was well before curling up to return to her slumber, but something was wrong. Her nose drifted from each of the little bodies and for a moment she thought the lingering effects of sleep had tricked her, but confirming after several recounts caused a hammering in her chest. One was missing.
A pit had formed in the woman's stomach and each moment that passed caused it to twist uncomfortably. She made the hasty decision to call for Hieronymous. He had offered before to help in any way possible, now she just hoped he wasn't a heavy sleeper. The tone would define the urgency and to her relief, the knight wouldn't make her wait long. Ira was quick to explain the situation, it was early and the pups would slumber easily for a while longer. Leaving the man to watch over Blackberry, Prim, and Nutmeg she'd set out following the boy's scent as best she could.
It must have rained overnight, her paws sunk into the moist dirt as she carefully scanned the surrounding woods. Dandelion, the firstborn of her children. Her first ever. He was barely three weeks old, how he managed to slip out she wasn't sure. Perhaps the kids had been more ready to leave the den than she thought, but that still didn't explain why— A frustrated growl escaped her as the trail grew cold once more. It didn't matter why, he was just a kid, the boy knew no better. Ira couldn't even tell him the dangers yet of the world he was born into, her words would fall on deaf ears.
It would be her fault.
It was her job to protect them.
It was her job to watch them.
She had grown too comfortable, she had been too relaxed. Raising four kids alone wouldn't be easy, she knew that yet to think she had already fucked up so horribly.
They left, they all will soon. She was destined to be alone, Ira knew this, yet she had been selfish. She was never meant to have a family, it was a life she knew she would never lead through normal means and now it felt as if she had been poisoned by her own words. This was her punishment. The values she had broken, the lives she had hurt through her intervention. She knew, she knew and yet she pushed the thoughts away as if she had been overthinking it all. When had she ever been wrong before? Why now? The thoughts came fast, each lasting just long enough to stab her before being replaced by the next, each more intrusive than the last. What would her father think? The pack? The leader left alone who can't even care for a child, how was she to explain that? How was she suppose to protect her people when she couldn't even protect a child?
For once she wouldn't stop the spew of negativity. The thoughts once repressed now burst and rained upon her consciousness like an old busted pipe. She had to find him, he wouldn't survive. He was too young. Too innocent. The boy could not even feed himself yet, so dependant, yet he carried himself away. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? A question that might haunt her for the rest of her life. She hadn't acknowledged it, but she didn't need to. She knew what she was doing, she had been traveling in circles for what felt like hours. Perhaps it had been.
Her bones shook as she finally came to a stop, her breath ragged. Her once piercing gaze bore into the forest floor now replaced with something broken and clouded by despair. It was then that she realized how blurred her vision had become. One drop hit the ground, quickly followed by another, a pattern that quickly increased until the tears ran hot down her face. He was gone. She wasn't sure what to feel now. Was she mad? Sad? Disgusted? Somehow it felt like a combination of all three and nothing at the same time. She was a shell, consumed by herself, and yet there was no one to blame but herself. She hated it all. Had she not feared the watchful eyes of her packmates perhaps she would have broken right there, but something contained her.
She would fight off her tears and the sobs that desperately tried to wrack her body. If there was one thing she was good at it was hiding her emotions. It wouldn't be the first time she hid them, she had gained the name "heart of stone" for a reason. It would only be a few minutes before she had regained her composure and then she would drag her broken body held together by weak tethers back to her den. She had failed, but she could not break now. There were still others that depended on her. Other lives just as fragile. Ira's eyes would not meet Hiero's upon her return. Instead, she just moved to her kids' sides, insistent on curling around them to hold their bodies close. The Count would tell him he could leave, offering no news of her missing son. She couldn't bring herself to say it, but the knight wouldn't need her to. It was already obvious. He had seemed hesitant, but with no other word from the mother, he'd slip out quietly.
And once more, she was consumed by the silence.
Ira was thankful for the other litters, with no fathers for her own it was good that her kids would at least have some wolves their age to grow up with. Perhaps even the Empire kids could befriend Kaistleoki's little ones. Lately, her mind drifted to her friend. Reiko had made a sudden visit way to close to her due date, it didn't seem right. Even Speedy seemed to catch that her vacation seemed strange. Had something happened? Reiko insisted otherwise, but Ira still wished she would have stayed a bit longer. She understood though, the Empress had duties now and she had been insistent to get back to them.
The Count couldn't say she didn't feel the same. The days slipped by while she remained den bound and as always, her paws itched to get moving once more. Ira had grown ever grateful for Hieronymous as the weeks passed. Thanks to the painted knight she was able to stay updated on the borders and Kaistleoki's patrons. The days turned into routine and soon she would be eagerly awaiting the times of day that the knight stopped by for meals and small talk. The den was quiet when he was gone, not that her children didn't keep her busy, but their babbling was not the same. It was the silence that ate away at her, the times when she was truly alone with her thoughts.
The new mother had been doing her best to avoid the negative. It wouldn't do any good now to worry, all she could do was be there for her children. Sleep had been troubling after she gave birth. Any comfort she found never lasted long, her children often kept her up with their many needs. The past week's sleep had finally come more naturally, perhaps that's why she hadn't noticed. It was the first time she truly dreamed since chaos consumed her life. It had been a pleasant dream, but something remained haunting about it. Something wasn't right, yet when the Count fought the feeling she only seemed to be pulled in further.
Ira awoke with a start greeted by the early morning chill. Whatever memories she had of the dream had slipped away upon her reawakening, but the feeling remained. The roan woman turned, intent on nosing her children ensuring all was well before curling up to return to her slumber, but something was wrong. Her nose drifted from each of the little bodies and for a moment she thought the lingering effects of sleep had tricked her, but confirming after several recounts caused a hammering in her chest. One was missing.
A pit had formed in the woman's stomach and each moment that passed caused it to twist uncomfortably. She made the hasty decision to call for Hieronymous. He had offered before to help in any way possible, now she just hoped he wasn't a heavy sleeper. The tone would define the urgency and to her relief, the knight wouldn't make her wait long. Ira was quick to explain the situation, it was early and the pups would slumber easily for a while longer. Leaving the man to watch over Blackberry, Prim, and Nutmeg she'd set out following the boy's scent as best she could.
It must have rained overnight, her paws sunk into the moist dirt as she carefully scanned the surrounding woods. Dandelion, the firstborn of her children. Her first ever. He was barely three weeks old, how he managed to slip out she wasn't sure. Perhaps the kids had been more ready to leave the den than she thought, but that still didn't explain why— A frustrated growl escaped her as the trail grew cold once more. It didn't matter why, he was just a kid, the boy knew no better. Ira couldn't even tell him the dangers yet of the world he was born into, her words would fall on deaf ears.
It would be her fault.
It was her job to protect them.
It was her job to watch them.
She had grown too comfortable, she had been too relaxed. Raising four kids alone wouldn't be easy, she knew that yet to think she had already fucked up so horribly.
They left, they all will soon. She was destined to be alone, Ira knew this, yet she had been selfish. She was never meant to have a family, it was a life she knew she would never lead through normal means and now it felt as if she had been poisoned by her own words. This was her punishment. The values she had broken, the lives she had hurt through her intervention. She knew, she knew and yet she pushed the thoughts away as if she had been overthinking it all. When had she ever been wrong before? Why now? The thoughts came fast, each lasting just long enough to stab her before being replaced by the next, each more intrusive than the last. What would her father think? The pack? The leader left alone who can't even care for a child, how was she to explain that? How was she suppose to protect her people when she couldn't even protect a child?
For once she wouldn't stop the spew of negativity. The thoughts once repressed now burst and rained upon her consciousness like an old busted pipe. She had to find him, he wouldn't survive. He was too young. Too innocent. The boy could not even feed himself yet, so dependant, yet he carried himself away. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? A question that might haunt her for the rest of her life. She hadn't acknowledged it, but she didn't need to. She knew what she was doing, she had been traveling in circles for what felt like hours. Perhaps it had been.
Her bones shook as she finally came to a stop, her breath ragged. Her once piercing gaze bore into the forest floor now replaced with something broken and clouded by despair. It was then that she realized how blurred her vision had become. One drop hit the ground, quickly followed by another, a pattern that quickly increased until the tears ran hot down her face. He was gone. She wasn't sure what to feel now. Was she mad? Sad? Disgusted? Somehow it felt like a combination of all three and nothing at the same time. She was a shell, consumed by herself, and yet there was no one to blame but herself. She hated it all. Had she not feared the watchful eyes of her packmates perhaps she would have broken right there, but something contained her.
She would fight off her tears and the sobs that desperately tried to wrack her body. If there was one thing she was good at it was hiding her emotions. It wouldn't be the first time she hid them, she had gained the name "heart of stone" for a reason. It would only be a few minutes before she had regained her composure and then she would drag her broken body held together by weak tethers back to her den. She had failed, but she could not break now. There were still others that depended on her. Other lives just as fragile. Ira's eyes would not meet Hiero's upon her return. Instead, she just moved to her kids' sides, insistent on curling around them to hold their bodies close. The Count would tell him he could leave, offering no news of her missing son. She couldn't bring herself to say it, but the knight wouldn't need her to. It was already obvious. He had seemed hesitant, but with no other word from the mother, he'd slip out quietly.
And once more, she was consumed by the silence.
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