Morningside Cuesta different now; better than

He would not be running any deer down for the next couple weeks, but Grayday finally felt well enough to get a few active hours during the day. After returning from Easthollow, he felt almost as though he'd been bitten by a second snake, and had taken several shakey days to recover from the trip. Then, after Adeline's sudden departure, Grayday had skulked in a shady copse of trees for a while, not wanting to see anyone - or to be seen by anyone.

But he could not hide forever, and he had kids on the way. He had to get stronger again, and that would have to start with a few attempts at hunting, playing, or something else that required the movement of his legs. So the leader wandered through the territory, sure that something would find him, given time.

the better part of half an hour had been spent tracking her Da, a skill she knew was vital for hunting. And she had recently decided that hunting was a skill she wanted to gain, for she was half-sick of being a Watcher and wanted to feel like she was contributing now that she was fast-approaching six months of age, as opposed to being a deadweight that simply ate and pooped. (Well, perhaps she did a little more than that, but still- she wanted to be self-sufficient) 

She finally found him around midday, and rushed to his side, where she offered him a light nip on his shoulder, the action playful but her eyes watching him carefully. He seemed to be recovering, but Dawn worried about perhaps being rough and accidentally contributing to more pain. "How ya doing, Da?" she asked with a grin, for while he seemed certainly a great deal better she wondered if he truly was.

Grayday was doing better - in a physcial sense. Dawn could hardly hurt him by playing, unless she bit him directly on his scabbing flank. The male was feeling a little bit stronger each day, but his heart was healing far more slowly than his body.

Still, he managed to grin at his daughter, and his tail wagged in unfeigned happiness at seeing her.

"Hey, honey," he greeted, smoothing a lick over her temple. "I'm doin' much better. Still sore, but I'm sure it'll fade." He was wrong, there. The wound (and the joints around it) would always twinge, and come winter, he'd have an undeniable limp. It would fade again with the warmer months, but it would take longer and longer every year. Thankfully, neither of them could know that.

"How are you?" he asked, concern lacing his words. He'd been a little more caught up in his own woes than he should have; he had no idea how his daughter was taking all this. "With Sunny and Steady - and Addie, now?"

he was doing better, he answered, though sore. her eyes squeezed closed as he greeted her affectionately, a smile dancing at her muzzle. she didn't reply just yet, simply glad that her Da was doing better. she matched his pace, momentarily realising how much she'd grown. he was the only constant in her life, after Sunny had gone, and what she often found herself measuring up against. While still shorter than him, it certainly was not by a great deal anymore. 

how was she? she was prepared to answer with a nod, but Da touched on the subjects that brought back the swirling emotions she had ignored for a while now. most prominent among them was the anger at Sunny, and the sadness at Adeline's leaving...she had been fairly constant in her life, too. she sighed, continuing to move alongside her Da but focusing moreso on the ground before them. "I don't know. I'm angry, at Sunny- but sad, too, and I kinda wished that I could not be angry at him."  she admitted, not quite knowing if she was making any sense. though she felt anger for her brother, she sometimes wished they could just be happy, brother and sister, like they were supposed to. 

"Adeline...why did she go? I miss her. And Steady, I-"  she shrugged, averting her gaze for a moment, tail lashing softly behind her. she didn't especially like talking about feelings, and this was no exception.

His ears fell back in sympathy at her words. He was also angry, though he wouldn't dare show it to his son. He was angry, but he still loved Sunny very much. He was hurt and confused, but likely, so was his son. "I know, baby," he soothed, sitting down and splaying his paws wide enough to leave a space for her, if she wanted it. "It's okay to be angry, and hurt, and confused. Just remember that Sunny isn't doing this to hurt you - so let's not do anything to try and hurt him, if we can help it. I know it's no fair, and I know it's hard to want good things for someone when you're mad at them. But if you look deep in your heart, I think you'll remember that the Sunny we know is probably wanting good things for us, even though he's far away."

He dropped another kiss to the top of her head. "But if you're not ready yet, you can keep being angry. Sometimes, you just have to burn it all out before you're ready to feel good again." He looked down at her - across at her, nearly - and a mournful look came into his eyes. "I don't like to tell many people, but I - I have a real problem with my anger," he revealed, wondering if this would be news to his daughter, or if it would be like telling her the sky was blue.

she listened and found her father's words to be both reassuring and not. it certainly wasn't fair; Sunny speaking of being so grown up and smart, and thinking so highly of himself, and then making stupid decisions and attempting to blame them on her. she huffed, ears twitching as she thought of the last time she had seen him, and hoping that it would be the last for a while. when he finished and planted a kiss on her head, she muttered, " really, really deep."

she glanced back up at her Da when he finished speaking, not quite snuggling up to him, but not out of any type of malice, she was simply not in the mood to do so. she sat close, listening, before dipping her head in acknowledgement. she was far from finished being angry.  when he spoke of his temper, she added after a moment, "like sometimes wanting to push Sunny off a small cliff?" and small smile shaped the end of her muzzle showed she wasn't totally serious. though, sometimes...

she realized that he hadn't quite answered his question about Adeline, and thus asked, a little subdued, "Is that why Adeline left? You got angry?" she could hardly fear her father becoming angry at her, couldn't picture it. couldn't really picture her father becoming truly  angry with anyone, least of all Adeline.

Day's lips twitched at Dawn's commentary, but pulled down quickly once again as he wondered just how truthful he would be with his daughter. Entirely truthful, he reluctantly decided. "Angrier than that," he said solemnly. "Angry enough that I've done things I shouldn't have. Things that I'm ashamed to have done."

And there she went, bringing up Adeline again. Day gave a little sigh. Not one of irritation, but one of giving up, of giving in. He would tell her, he decided. She would only keep wondering, and drawing her own conclusions. Inevitably, she'd encounter these sort of complicated things as she grew older. Day would rather be the one to introduce it to her than a stranger.

"I'm gonna tell you a story, Dawn. It might be kinda hard for you to understand, and it doesn't make me look very good - and it isn't very easy for me to tell - but I want you to listen, okay?" he said gently, his heart thumping unevenly in his throat.

she quieted when Da spoke of doing things that he should not have done, things which he regretted, by the tone of his voice. thing's that he had been ashamed to do. it felt odd, having this conversation with the Da she had always idolised, but somehow, it made him seem more feel. her closer to him, perhaps, now that he was telling her these things. "I've done stupid things too, Da. Maybe made things worst between Sunny and me when I was angry,"  she told him, gaze flickering up to his. the statement did nothing to diminish her love for him, and though she didn't know how to say it in words, there was no change in her demeanour. 

he spoke again, of a story. oddly, her heart leapt a little about what this story would contain, but she did nothing else other than to nod, and say solemnly, " Okay, Da. I'll listen." and, by that statement, she wouldn't interrupt, no matter how much she always semed too.

Day's ears flickered at her words. He remembered, vaguely, that she'd shouted something at her brother shortly before they'd found out about Steady's death. He couldn't recall exactly what had been said, but knowing Dawn, it had likely been terribly hurtful. He might normally have scolded her, but didn't feel it would be beneficial at that moment. It sounded like she knew what she'd done was wrong, and they were talking about his sins, not hers.

"We'll fix it together," he told her.

When she said she would listen, Day fell silent for a moment. He'd never imagined sharing this with her - with anyone, really. But with his daughter, there was even more ground he had to cover. She was still so young, and there were things she might not yet understand.

"Well, first - do you know that there's good love and bad love?" he asked her. "Good love is - is caring about another person, and wanting what's best for them no matter what. Good love is when - when I know something will hurt you, and I tell you not to put it in your mouth," he explained, a bit of a teasing edge to his voice. "Good love is when you want to play tag, but Sunny wants to play chase - so you decide you'll play chase with him, because you want him to be happy." It was more complicated than that, of course, and there were ways that the selfless love he was talking about could become corrupted - but it was a good enough start. "And bad love is when you love someone, and you love them so much that, when they say they want to go eat a porcupine, or jump off a cliff, or something stupid like that - you love them so much that you let them, because you can't say no. You just want them to have what they want. Or, you love someone so much that you only want them to love you."

"Good love means you care for an individual. Bad love is when you care more about your relationship with an individual than the individual themselves. Do you understand?"

love, to her, had always had a good correlation; uncorrupted, the thing she knew was simply good. she had learned a little about love from her family, and Aoife, (If you love something, let it go) but never had she heard of bad love. she shook her head, brow furrowing in silent question. good love, from what she understood, was watching out for the other person. perhaps what Sunny had tried to do for her; though frankly he had gone overboard with the whole idea. good love was giving up things to make the other person happy. 

bad love, on the other hand, was not looking out for the person, or speaking against them. bad love, she supposed at Grayday's last words, was a selfish kind of love. when he asked if she understood thus far, she nodded, speaking a little haltingly, wondering if she was correct. " Good love is...watching out for someone. And...letting them go, if you have to."  that's what Aoife had said, anyway, and she thought that ought to be a kind of good love, perhaps. after all, good love was about giving things up, right? "bad love isn't. it's selfish." she finished, gaze darting up to Da's for approval.

Day let out a huff of laughter - half amusement and half relief. "Yeah," he agreed, not surprised at all that it had taken Dawn about ten seconds to understand what he'd been struggling to figure out for the past year. Perhaps more. "Yeah, that's it pretty much exactly."

He shifted uncomfortably, knowing now that the hard part was about to begin. "I, uh - " He cleared his throat. "I've known Addie for a long time, now. I met her when she was just a tiny thing, and when she was - well, she was not much older than you were when we left Easthollow. Anyway - when she was about that big, I realized that, uh... I realized that I loved her," he said, his voice hushed and low. As if this were a secret that only Dawn was allowed to know - and maybe it was. Maybe he would only ever tell her.

"And - and it was good love, at first. I loved her because she was silly, and sweet, and beautiful - and I wanted her to grow big and strong, and I wanted her to be warm during the winter, and most of all, I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to do things to make her happy, because she made me happy," he explained, his heart twisting painfully at those far-off memories. They seemed like so long ago. "And all I did... all I did was think about her, and what I could do for her, and how I could make her laugh and smile. Because I loved her, and because it made me happy to see her happy. There were - I mean, there were days... sometimes, it was the only thing that made me happy. For a long time, I was sad, and I was only happy when I was with her. I felt like she needed me - like I had a purpose."

The words tasted sour in his mouth, but he went on. "It's kind of like how you want to become a good hunter, so that you'll be a good packmember, so that you'll feel like you're important to the pack. When I was with Addie, I felt like I was doing something important," he said, hoping that this would help her to understand what the older girl had meant to him, even back then. "And it's good to have something like that - like how Heartha wants to care for us to contribute, and how Sylvas and I will protect us, and how all of us hunt together. It's good to do things for each other. But it should never become so important that it makes you unhappy, or so big that it's the only thing that can make you happy. You gotta have balance - and I didn't have balance. All I cared about was her, and what she meant to me."

"D'ya... d'ya see how that can be a bad thing?" he asked her. "Even though I was trying to make her happy - do you see how it might hurt someone, to only focus on one thing like that?"

her father launched into a long-winded story, and Dawn found herself struggling, in the slightest, to keep up, and not interrupt. he loved Addie; that she could understand, that she knew. she did not consider how she loved him; for she was too young to think of the many ways one could love another, and thoughts, at least at the moment, but there was but one kind of love that people had for one another. some aspects of her world were still fairly black and white, and while Grayday and Aoife had lent some perspective, her views on love were still fairly monochromatic. 

he said that he had had good love, for Addie, for a time. and then, she eventually understood, she made him feel important. all he cared about was her, and it was a bad love.

she didn't know if she liked this story.

despite herself, Dawn felt a twinge. had he, did he, love Addie more than he loved his family? it seemed like it, and though she tried to push away the stupid jealousy, it swirled like a viper in her stomach. a question lay on the tip of her tongue, and yet she didn't ask it. not yet. for she was learning, as she grew, that sometimes questions placed a divide between people, as it had done with Sunny. she was distracted from her thoughts as he posed a question, and she was silent a moment as she pulled a whole new string of thoughts together. "It was bad love. If you don't have balance; things...fall. Fall apart. You leave out other things. people."  she began, for quite literally, if she lost her balance, she toppled rather ungracefully. though she could not quite realise how this tied into that. "You only cared about her, so if she left, or she...you-" she paused, jaw clamping shut. "oh".  

Day gave a slow nod. That was as good a way to put it as anything. "Yeah. Things fall apart. People, they fall apart," he said, giving Dawn a small, sad smile. "So, to re-cap - I loved Adeline. And back then, somewhere in there, I met your mother, and I loved her, too. And it helped, because I loved your mother with good love. I took care of her, and believed she'd take care of me, and we worked together to care for you and Sunny. We fought, sometimes, but it was never too bad. And then, one day, we never saw her again. You know that part," he murmured, watching Dawn closely to see how this part affected her. He gave it a moment to sink in before moving on. "What you don't know is - right before your mom left, Addie left, too. She wanted to explore, so she went away all winter - and I was angry."

He let out a heavy sigh. "She left, and then your mother left, and I was angry about both things, but mostly, I was angry at Addie. I was angry that she'd take herself away from me, and angry that she would put herself in danger, and I was furious because she left without coming to me, and saying a real goodbye.

"I was so angry that, when there was an intruder on the borders, I used more force than necessary. I ended a life, and even though I found out afterward that it had been the right thing to do, I wasn't sure at the time. I let my anger lead me to doing that, instead of my love for my pack.

"I was so angry that, when Chaska left to be with the wolf he loved, I wouldn't let him back into the pack. He came back, and I was mad at him for leaving, and I helped Steady to decide that he should be sent away, even though Chaska was our friend. Even though he was just doing what he thought was right.

"I was so angry that I let you and Sunny be raised by Krypton and the rest of the pack, instead of giving you the attention I should have. I chose to march around and growl and pace instead of being there when you needed me."

He shook his head. "And you know what, Dawn? I never learned. I never moved past that. One day, Addie just came back, and I forgot about being angry and I went right back to loving her, and that, I think, is when my good love for her turned into bad love. Because I was scared that she would leave me again, and I just kept thinking, I would do anything to keep her happy - but what I really meant was, I would do anything to keep her happy to be around me. And she was young, Dawn, and I'm old. D'ya know how... how you learned from me? And from Krypton? Addie is like that. She learned things from me, but the things I was teaching her were... were that she always had to be around me. And that... that our friendship was more important than her happiness. That what I wanted was more important than what she wanted," he said, his voice a bit choked. "I didn't mean to - I thought that I was doing the right thing, and being good to her. But my actions were telling the truth. My bad love was showing her what was really in my heart."

He looked at Dawn. "I was selfish, Dawn. Addie... Addie was scared to come with us. She wanted to stay with her dad, and when I went to tell her I was going away, I meant to let her. But I let my selfish love rule me, and I asked her to come. And my selfish love made her feel like, if she didn't do it, I would stop loving her."

He swallowed back some of his emotions, trying to loosen the knot in his throat. "I hurt her very badly, Dawn. My bad love twisted us both up, and I've been seeing it for months. But I kept telling myself that I would do better, that I would love her better. But when you let your love turn into something that ugly, sometimes... sometimes it isn't that simple."

somehow, the part about her mother didn't faze her. she supposed, as Grayday had said, her anger had simply burnt out. it was hard being angry at someone who you didn't really know, who even now was just a blurred dark face in her mind. really, it hadn't bothered her for weeks, not anymore. she simply had never gotten to love her biological mother, and her disappearance did little to the growing girl, save the absence of an important figure in her life, she never knew she needed...and likely didn't. 

when he got to the part about Adeline leaving, Dawn saw immediately similarities between her and her brother. she voiced this, adding in a murmur, "Like Sunny." she wondered how he had dealt with it, and fell silent, waiting. 

he'd killed someone. her gaze widened a fraction, disbelief obvious. her Da, a murderer? she shifted, the information coming to a shock to the girl, who simply could not picture her Da tearing away someone's life. he was the first she had heard of committing such an act, for the fact that some wolves might actually do thus had never really, truly, occurred to her. "You- you killed someone."  her voice was a hollow statement. Did he expect to simply drop that out there? " Who was it? What did they...did you-"  she broke off, for her Da was obviously not finished with the story, and while the information had unsettled her more than she cared to admit, she fell silent. 

he listed the other things he had done in his anger, his grief, and she was silent, watching in a kind of shocked stillness. her Da had killed someone. the information reverberated inside her skull, and she wasn't sure how to feel about it. he said they deserved it, but, her Da-

his question had her focused once more, mind attempting to make sense of what he was telling her. she thought she got the general gist of it, and yet felt unsettled. he hurt Adeline, with his selfish, bad love. he hurt her, and, she realised slowly as she tried to piece things together, " When Steady died...is that why she left?"  it made sense, as she had left shortly after. but one thing bothered Dawn, and she asked it then, without fear, for the question burned. "Do you think...you'll love someone with bad love again, Da?" the story had shaken her, shaken her like when her Da had been bitten. she didn't want the horrible things he had spoke of to occur again, and didn't know if she could...her gaze was solemn as she looked at him, still digesting the tale that seemed to make Da...a whole lot different.

It was hard to keep going when Dawn was so clearly disturbed, but there was so much more to that story, and Day knew the questions would never end if he stopped to indulge her then. So he pressed on, and at the end, it seemed as though she had more pressing questions to ask.

"I think that, by the end, she had a lot of reasons to leave," he said carefully, not wanting to lie, but also not ready to reveal all that had gone on between them. He'd tried hard to make this a story about good and bad love, and thought that, for now, the nature of his and Adeline's relationship was best simplified to that. But, that wasn't the hardest question that Dawn had for him. Of course not.

He paused for a moment to consider the question, having never asked it of himself. Would he ever love like that again? Certainly not like that. He'd never love anyone the way he loved Adeline. He didn't want to. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he couldn't be sure. Even with as much as he'd learned, even with how far he'd come... he would never be certain.

"I think I could," he admitted, keeping his voice calm and gentle. "But it'll never be like it was with her. Dawn, whenever you love someone, you run the risk of hurting them - just like Sunny hurt us. It wasn't necessarily because of bad love... but hurt and turn into bad love, like it did with me and Adeline. And when that happens, we have to take the time to fix it - the first time it happens. You can't bottle it up, or pretend it never happened."

He smiled at her, weak but true. "But that doesn't mean you stop loving them, either. You always have to love, and love, and try harder to love. And sometimes, like with me and Addie, that means letting the other person go. Sometimes it means backing off and letting yourself heal, so that you can love better later on. And sometimes it just means holding on, and being patient - and it always means forgiving."

he might, he continued to say, though never as he had with Addie. she slumped on the cool earth with a sigh, thoroughly confused and not knowing what to do with this sudden influx of information. love was so very confusing, and definitely not as straightforward as she had thought for...well, her whole life. it sounded messy, and something that she wasn't sure she wanted to deal with. no, perhaps she'd just go one loving Da, her family, and leave it at that. anything else posed the risk of getting as messy as Da's love had. 

he told her that she ought to love still, that all people would, but she didn't know if she would willingly get herself involved in the mess that was love. a line of his stuck out, and echoing words heard a while ago, said, " If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they love you back, right?" hoping that he wouldn't ask just where she had heard that, she asked a moment later, unwilling to let the question slide, "Who did you kill, Da? Why...why did they deserve it?"  her words, unlike 95% of the time she spoke, were soft, trepidant in the slightest.

"It's something like that," Day agreed, gleaning by her expression that this conversation had shaken her quite a bit. "I know it seems complicated, and scary - but at the end of the day, all love wants to be good. You'll feel it in your heart - when it's time to apologize, to speak your mind, or even to let go. Trust yourself, and don't let your pride get in the way of your heart. That's all it takes, Dawn," he said, and there was a promise, somewhere in these words. He could not promise her that others would not use her, or that there would never be wickedness in the world or even in herself - but he could promise her that it could be avoided. If she was dilligent, if she was selfless, if she was truthful. It would not be easy, but when she went wrong, she would know it. This, he could promise.

He gave a little sigh when she asked again about that particular part of his story. Perhaps he should not have included it, or perhaps he should have saved it for another day. But it was out, now, and it would only hurt her if he kept the truth from her, now.

"Did you know that Keoni and Nikai were adopted? You weren't even born yet when it happened - but their mother was killed shortly after she joined the pack. Steady and Valette loved them like their own, but their birth mother was called Althaia," he explained, his ears flattening as he remembered the fear and confusion that had plagued them during that time. "I was gone when it happened - bringing your mother from her pack to Easthollow. We didn't live together when we met - but I found out shortly after, and I was able to get a bit of scent from - from where it happened."

He cleared his throat. "It was months later. Your mother and Addie were already gone, like I said. And I was angry. And I didn't know who she was, at first. The sound of a fight drew me to the borders. Your uncle Steady was there, fighting this woman. It looked like she wanted him dead, and it looked like he wanted her dead - so I jumped in. And we killed her," he said, his voice grim. "And later, I realized who it was. The woman who'd killed Althaia, and who'd stolen the baby sister of Keoni and Nikai - probably killed her, as well. We never found out."

He didn't know what else to say about the story. Part of him wanted to make excuses, while another wanted to highlight the reasons why what he'd done had been wrong, and perhaps give examples of what he might've done instead. But it was still, perhaps, too adult a conversation for Dawn, and he would let her take it where she wanted.

Da's simple rules on how to love alleviated some of the confusion and negativity she felt towards love, yet still, it seemed something, for the better part, avoided. her was ruminating on this still when he sighed after her request, and she began to feel like it would be denied. but Da wasn't the type to keep big secrets, anyway, and when the words left his was, she listened attentively. the first part of his tale had her brow furrow in confusion and surprise, for she had always though the older pair to be the alpha's kids. when Da said that their mother was killed, her mind immediately made the jump, and her heart clenched for a painful moment. no. Da wouldn't; never. the shoved the thoughts, the suggestion of the thought, away as quickly as possible. 

why did everyone they know seem to loose their true mother? Sunny, her, Kieran and now Nikai and Keoni; being a mother sounded a dangerous job, and one she found she would be eager to never fulfil. her attentions turned back to Da fully when he mentioned the fight, its eventually end, and a fact she had never known. Keoni and Nikai had a sister? she wondered what she might be like; if she had had a sister that she didn't remember. impossible.

for a while after the tale, she was silent, unmoving, mind working. quickly she found her father absolved of guilt, for he had killed a murderer and a kidnapper and what sounded like a vile person. but still, the tale was so shocking, the information so raw, that her mind worked a time, making connections and wondering at a thousand things. eventually, what might have been minutes later, or seconds, she rose, and without hesitation moved into her father 's embrace, her muzzle pressed into his shoulder. he felt fuller, somehow. "I love you, Da." she breathed, and they were her only words for a time. 

Day tucked his girl under his chin, feeling as though a heavy weight had been lifted off of him. It gladdened him to know that these things had not made Dawn hate him, that she would not recoil now that she knew certain unpleasant truths about her father. Day knew that he himself had taken a long time to come to terms with thinking of his father as a wolf with flaws.

But Dawn seemed to be taking all this in stride. He was proud of her for her maturity and understanding, and of her fierce heart and her stubborn will.

"I love you, too, Dawn," he replied, his voice low for only her to hear. "And you have my best love. My purest. Being yours and Sunny's dad is the best thing I have ever done, even with all the mistakes I've made. I only wish I could go back and be better for you."

her Da's words brought back a warm, invincible feeling of comfort that she remembered from days tucked up against him as a young pup, when she still thought of him as such a flat person. He was simply Da, protector and giver of warmth...but after this talk, he was more and he was less. she did not know yet how to process the enormous amount of information she now held, and in the coming days she would sort through them, and her wavering image of Da would solidify. 

but she knew still that she loved him, no matter all that he had said. it hadn't all sunken in, and for now, she didn't want it too...didn't want to think about every single thing it entailed. but she felt closer, somehow, to him, as if the information that they shared bound them together. "It's okay, Da."  she said when he said that he wished he could go back. the past was that, a bunch of hazy memories. "You're here, and that's good."  she murmured, leaning into him, mess of emotions but glad for the pillar that was Da.