Swiftcurrent Creek nothing is as it has been

For @Kavik

Rue and Kavik hadn't spoken much since joining with Swiftcurrent Creek. The former beta had been busy with frequent trips back to the Plateau to search for Liri, and Kavik had been busy with..... impregnating Myrren.

Rue winced at the horrible mordacity of her own thoughts and judgements. Try as she might to force her mind away from that dark place, bitterness continued to surface in the ugliest of ways. It was yet another reminder of the toxicity of this place-- a reminder that Rue was making the best decision available for herself and her future.  

Rue did not know Kavik's patrol routes here as she had known them on the plateau, but his tracks in the snow were easy enough to trace. As his scent grew heavier around the trail, Rue barked, hoping the leader might backtrack a small ways to come speak with her.

Things were tense around the creek lately, and Kavik knew he had played a big part in creating that tension. He was here as alpha in a pack that barely knew him, and instead of lying low and working his way into everyone's trust, he had accidentally impregnated a packmate who had come to him for protection. And Liri. He had done unspeakable wrong to her by being with someone else, and he would give anything to take it all back. To say he was riddled with guilt and self-loathing was an understatement. 

He had taken to running a patrol this morning--the only familiar thing he really had left. It wasn't his plateau patrol route, but the physical act of it had always been a form of comfort for the alpha. A familiar sound broke through his thoughts, and he slowed to turn and head in her direction. They hadn't spoken much since arriving here, and he had to admit that hadn't exactly sought her out recently. There was just no way she didn't know what he had done, and he couldn't bear to see the disappointment he knew would be in her eyes. But he wouldn't avoid her now, especially when it seemed she wanted a word.

He dipped his head as he intercepted the silver wolf. Ruenna, he greeted. How are you? he asked. He hoped she hadn't had too hard of time here, and he suddenly felt even more guilty for not checking on her more. He would just add it to the list.

"Kavik," Rue returned the greeting quietly, meeting his gaze for only the briefest of moments. He would not see the disappointment in her eyes because she would not let him-- she had promised Myrren that much-- although he would likely guess that the feeling was there no matter her purposeful attempts to hide it.

Ruenna simply shook her head at his question. "Constantine and Soltero have been kind enough, but the others.. they don't seem to want us here." Rue guessed that she was not imparting anything that Kavik had not already felt himself. "I've spoken with Diaspora, and.. and they are eager to welcome me into their family and put my skills to use. I've decided to go, Kavik." This was a solid reason in and of itself-- they wouldn't even have to discuss Kavik's indiscretions, although in truth they were a big part of why Rue was departing. Just as Grezig had been more Kavik's beta, Rue had always been more Liri's. It would have broken the last remaining pieces of her heart, witnessing the birth of pups that should have belonged to her beloved, northron alphess. 

Rue sighed. Even after everything, she still thought of Kavik as a friend. So she lifted her gaze once more and spoke to him like one. "Kavik, I think you should go too. And Myrren. This place.. it isn't right for any of us." Couldn't Kavik feel the tension here? How could any of them hope to heal from their losses in these conditions? Stars, if Kavik needed evidence of the Creek's toxicity, all he had to do was look at the mistakes that had already been made.

Kavik couldn't keep the sadness from twisting his expression as her news settled over him. She was leaving. He wanted to ask her to stay, but that just wasn't something he could do. If Ruenna needed to leave, then he would respect her wishes. As for the environment at the creek, he felt he was mostly to blame for that, although he had a feeling she already knew that to some extent. Maybe he should be the one leaving and Ruenna should stay. But no, not only was it not really an option for him to leave, he also couldn't pull Myrren from the creek now that she was expecting puppies; it would be too dangerous for her. Kavik would just have to try and fix things. 

He looked at his former beta, sadness leaking away and leaving only reverence. I understand, and I'll miss you greatly, he replied. I cannot leave right now--it wouldn't be safe for Myrren, he added with a small sigh. If she didn't know before, she would probably definitely know now. I can't expect a pack to just welcome a stranger in as their alpha, and what kind of leader would I be if I just took off when things were tough? Kavik was prepared to show them that they could trust and respect him, even with his mistake, and he could start by weathering this storm.

Rue dipped her head in quiet understanding. She hadn't expected Kavik to go for the suggestion-- he was a mercenary, a fighter to the core of his being. Flight would go against his entire nature if there still remained any option to fight. But he had Myrren to think of now and she was, from what Rue had seen, not so much a fighter. Would she not be happier somewhere else, where she was welcomed for who she was and not judged so harshly for what resided in her womb? Didn't Myrren get a say in the decision? 

"It's.. not just about you anymore," Rue answered his question with the gentle reminder. Kavik's role as a leader came second to his role as a father, Rue firmly believed. What mattered most now was Myrren's safety and comfort, for the sake of their unborn pups. "..Myrren can still travel safely for the time being, if she doesn't push herself." With Kavik alluding to Myrren's condition, Rue decided to banish any pretense that she didn't know the sordid details. She knew what was going on, and Kavik seemed to know that she knew, and it would just be silly to continue talking in circles around it.

"Elysium is a sanctuary of sorts, I believe," Rue suggested. "It might help Myrren, ah-- emotionally, if you just.. presented some options. She seems to feel out of control. Even if you two do decide to stay, at least you will have intentionally made a decision together. It might make her feel less powerless or.. or trapped." Even in her departure, Rue felt the need to advocate for Myrren. Myrren was living this mistake too, and she deserved some decision power.

Kavik's jaw tightened a little at the implication that he was only considering what he wanted. It cut deeper than he thought it would to hear that she thought he had been acting without considering Myrren's feelings or needs. She mentioned Elysium, but Kavik wasn't sure Myrren even wanted to leave. His brow creased a little, and he relaxed his jaw so that he could speak. I am aware it is not just about me, Ruenna. All of my decisions are with her and the children in mind, he answered quietly. He had already witnessed how hard it had been for her to travel when he found her exhausted and sobbing in that cave just a few nights ago after she had tried to make it to the coast. She has not said anything about wanting to leave, but I will bring it up just to make sure, he offered. He knew Ruenna was just trying to help Myrren, and he appreciated it, but he didn't like the way she spoke like he hadn't talked to her about anything--like he had just knocked her up and then left her to deal with the aftermath on her own. He didn't pretend to know what was best for her, but he had made it pretty clear that he was here for her and would give her whatever she needed.

It was Rue's turn to take on a look of profound sadness. Kavik didn't get it at all. He didn't seem to see the difference in making a decision by himself "with Myrren and the children in mind" versus actually including Myrren in the decision-making process. What the decision ultimately was mattered not a lick-- what truly mattered was that Myrren felt she had some power in the process, some control over her life.

Rue's brow tightened as well. She might have attempted to explain again, but Kavik's unease with this topic was quite clear to the perceptive woman. She saw his jaw tightening and his brow creasing, she heard the bristle in the decrescendo of his voice... 

No, Kavik. Not you too. Many of the Swiftcurrent wolves seemed to be edgy and agitated, and it would appear Kavik had caught the sickness. There was nothing more Rue could do to help him, not while he was on the defensive.

"Okay," Rue murmurred, defeated. Her gaze trailed off to the side. "I.. I suspect I overstepped. I apologize," she further capitulated. Her voice would sound distant and just a hair too formal, like she was already detaching. This conversation was quickly becoming a bitter reminder of everything that had been lost in Blacktail Deer Plateau, and it had never been Rue's intention to leave things with Kavik on a sore note.

Kavik sighed and closed his eyes, shaking his head as disappointment settled over him. I am sorry, Ruenna, he offered, opening his eyes to meet her gaze. He just couldn't stop messing things up, could he? You have not overstepped at all; I appreciate your concern and have always valued your opinion. It was the truth; she was always calm and logical and caring, and that had made her a most valuable second at the plateau. I'm just...this is just a lot, and i'm doing the best I can to make it right, he confessed, feeling like he could let down the alpha mask for a little bit. The mask helped him do what needed to be done, but it also gave him something to hide behind when things were too heavy, and he needed to remember not to let that get the best of him.

As quickly as Ruenna began to detach, Kavik was reeling her back in with a heartfelt apology. She allowed him to draw her eyes back up, and their shared gaze was brimming with heartbreak and honesty and love. They were family, Rue realized in that moment. No matter how much distance or disappointment streched between them, they would always be bonded by their shared roots in Blacktail Deer Plateau. 

"Yes, you are," Rue agreed encouragingly, offering one of her rare, small smiles. "Once these wolves see that, they will follow you." Of this Rue had no doubt, but the catch was that Kavik had to let them see his fight, his heart, his resolve. If Kavik hid his secrets and struggles away from the eyes of his new packmates, he would only widen the divide between the Plateau refugees and the other Swiftcurrent wolves.

Rue knew that the quickest way Kavik could earn the trust of his packmates would be to ask them for help. Such an approach would likely go against Kavik's instincts, but it would show his subordinates that he recognized and valued their unique skills and individual achievements. "Once your walls come down, theirs will as well," Rue promised. It would be her final advice to her former alpha as his subordinate... but she hoped, perhaps, it would not be the last of the counsel the two of them shared as friends. As family.

He sighed, closing his eyes again. He felt like he didn't deserve her encouragement, but he wasn't surprised to hear it from her; Ruenna was kind above all things, and had always appreciated that about her. I hope so, he replied, opening his eyes to meet his former beta's gaze again. He hoped the pack would eventually respect him; he thought the children needed that most of all. He didn't want them to be born into any kind of struggle. 

He would heed her advice to be less guarded with the new wolves. It was such a conditioned response to stress, that sometimes he didn't realize he was doing it, but he would try harder to be more open about what he was going through, assuming the creek wolves gave him a chance to do so. Thank you, Ruenna--for everything, he added quietly, unable to keep the emotion from his voice. It would hurt to lose her, but he wouldn't stop her from doing what she wanted, and he held on to the hope that they would remain family no matter the distance that separated them.

The emotion in Kavik's voice was poignant such that Rue was unable to form her own words. She simply nodded in response to his thanks, her own gratitude plain in her eyes. 

A short silence stretched out between them, and Rue knew that it was time to depart. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she murmurred, [b]"May the stars bless and guide you, Kavik. And your family."

Rue managed to keep the tears at bay until she turned away. She would only let them fall for  few moments before steeling herself once more. The goodbyes to Alessia and Kavik had been painful, and it was going to take all the composure she had left to give her final farewell to Soltero.