Sun Mote Copse twilight

tags are for reference so y'all know what's going on with Eljay :)

Eljay hadn't gone to see @Niamh or her children since she had given birth. He had found out about it through the grapevine. It was the proverbial last straw.

He knew that they usually did not want him there when they gave birth. He knew it because his mother was the only one that he had ever been present at birth for. All the others -- Raven, Towhee, Niamh, even Wiffle, even though that was mostly an accident -- they hadn't even asked for him after their birth. Maybe it was that fact that made this the catalyst. Maybe it was because it reminded him of his mother, of his sweet mommy, of how gentle and nice she had always been to him in stark contrast to how tough and badass she had been towards the rest of the world. He was reminded of it because she would have wanted him to help. Maybe not even for herself or her health, he realised only that day -- a thing that didn't help his mental state any -- but for him. Because he needed it.

Was he ever really any help?

Many times Eljay had come near Niamh and @Phox and the pups but every time he turned around.

He wasn't needed. Had he ever been needed?

He knew that @Wraen would tell him that he was, but wasn't that just because she was nice? Wraen had been his friend for a year and she had always been nice. Sometimes harsh, but only when it was needed; but otherwise always nice and helpful. He was so grateful that she'd picked up the helm of Wiffle's pack when she had, that she had believed in his words that they should stay in the Copse when the others wanted to leave.

After that, he only visited @Towhee and Meerkat when she asked for him. His attentiveness became colder and more methodical and calculated, with less to none of his usualy emotion. He was no longer overbearing and fussy like he had been at first after Finley and Elwood's deaths. If anything, one could say he was quite the opposite, as the many daggers that twisted in his heart made him feel number and number and number and --

He would answer any questions and he would check up on Meerkat. He would even watch Meerkat if Towhee asked him to, and in those moments he was probably most himself; talking to Meerkat and making funny faces and sometimes even laughing or smiling when she did something funny or she enjoyed a funny face he did.

But then he returned home to the rendezvous site and was starkly reminded of how his son had left because he had failed and of @Weejay's absence and he cried and cried and cried until he felt that he had nothing left inside of him. Hollow like the spaces his parents had left behind in the hearts of the many wolves of the Firebirds.

Where he had been the overbearing big brother to @Penn and @Avery, making sure they were fed and talking to them and sharing memories of mommy and daddy with them, from the day that Niamh's pups were born he seemed to be suddenly gone from their lives, too. It was as if he was a pile of rocks that had simply crumpled under its own weight. As if he had thought for a brief moment that he could do this thing and simply put up a brave face and continue but then he found out that he was Eljay and that the only thing he could do was be a bother.

Any trips @Maia might've had planned he cancelled his own contribution to -- to look after the pups, he said, was needed as a midwife, but he ended up not looking after very many pups and not being very needed as a midwife. Most days he spent just laying and staring into nothingness once his tears ran out, unaware of the day or the time or anything.

And that was where he was today.