Heron Lake Plateau And ain't it always the way

he bit his tongue to stop himself from saying something insensitive. not like, to be mean, but tegan's best coping mechanism was humor, so he wanted desperately to be like 'stooped down to my level?' or something stupid. in essence, he was just saying yeah, i know, but with an attempt to lighten the mood. truthfully, he was unsure if it would actually do that in this situation-- especially since he was feeling fairly frazzled this morning. so he just nodded with a tight-lipped expression. "i heard," he returned gently, lacking the crude edge his voice usually had. ~*soft*~ tegan was not very common, at least in niamh's presence. 

but, hang on, that's another thing! something tegan hadn't fully wrapped his mind around. why the hell was he being so emotionally vulnerable? especially in bat's presence-- was it just bat? did she just have some sort of like big fluffy aura that demanded softness? tegan was always being super open to bat. and for why? for what? ugh. or maybe she was just around him the most, so she got the buff of his own trauma... which made him be more vulnerable towards her. ugh. whatever. we don't have time to psychoanalyze it-- tegan's hardly even aware of it. 

niamh's sudden... not happy, no, tegan couldn't describe that as happy... but eager? maybe? it seemed as soon as tegan admitted to relating, niamh got all eager to hear if she and her were having the same problem... or... something. tegan didn't know what to say at first, and it accidentally came off as a little stunned. he'd gone to respond but his mouth just parted and hung there for a moment, ears pinning back. he didn't want to be like 'no i can't relate wtf', but that was kind of how he felt. was she like... paralyzed in her sleep? was he feeling incredibly concerned for her? the answer? uh, yeah. 

"no... not... not in that way," he said finally, shaking his head to drown out all the words flooding his brain, "did that happen to you??" but he realized he felt like he sounded like he was judging her. ugh! but he couldn't leave her hanging? why'd she have to ask?? why couldn't she had just accepted that he hadn't slept well that night!! never mind the last like... since he'd returned from the blackfeather woods... ugh. he had to clarify. "but i had a nightmare," he said sort of feebly-- looking like a god damn pussy, "when i fought screech in the blackfeather woods i hit my head and had this vision of me like... dying... like, it was me and then suddenly i was just above my body watching myself die..." the last part trailed off sort of sadly. pussy. 

ugh! he hated himself even more just saying it out loud. STOP. THINKING. ABOUT. IT. you pussy. tegan gave her a weak smile, trying to stop her from worrying, if she even was. "i have that vision every night," he shared, relating it back to why he was here now. and then, added (again sort of meekly), "that's why i asked bat to sleep in my den." 

MOVE TOPIC. AWAY FROM. YOURSELF. PLEASE. "i'm okay, though, i think it's something to do with the whole fire and screech and... i dunno. i'm okay... are... you okay?"