Redhawk Caldera the old days

@Raven!

Eljay thought of Towhee's words regularly as he was in Redhawk Caldera; especially since Wildfire had told him that she might not be better until spring. He had told himself each time she would be better soon and then he would leave, with her, to go back to Drageda, back to her children... He wondered how they were, and if they wouldn't have rather stayed with their mother here. But he supposed there was no winning in this situation, since the Heda was their mother too.

Trying to drown his worries Eljay set off to look for Raven that day after playing with his baby siblings in the morning. He hoped that she would be able to help teach him some more about the midwife thing; teach him some herbs that could help ease pain or otherwise help deliver pups, or such. Besides, he had really missed Raven in his time away and spending some time with her would be great regardless.

Sorry it took me a while to get a reply up for you! School has been really busy this past week. <3

While she might have appeared as calm and serene as ever, inside of Raven there roiled a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions. Most of them involved Titmouse. He had vanished again, and the medic wasn't sure what to think of it. The boy had seemed so eager to stay, to turn over a new leaf and make up for all the time he'd lost while he was away previously. He'd even approached her about apprenticing him and his friend -- she'd forgotten the lone female's name already -- in medicine, to which she'd agreed happily (although admittedly, she'd been a bit dubious in the loner's case). He had seemed really committed to the caldera, happy to be home.

So why was he gone?

Her first reaction was, of course, worry. Had something happened to him? At the fore of her thoughts and fears was those sickos over at Blackfeather Woods. If they'd done to him what they had done to Wildfire, she would kill every last one of those fuckers herself. She'd followed his scent out toward Lion's Head Mesa for a time, but beyond the river, his trail was lost.

Maybe he'd just decided to take off again.

She tried to give the boy credit but it was hard, given his past. He had the attention span of a hummingbird and what was exciting today might be boring to him tomorrow. Had he abandoned them again in favor of some more exciting life elsewhere?

The sudden waft of a familiar scent pulled her abruptly from her thoughts and she looked up to see Eljay nearby. She wanted to be happy to see her old friend but he, like Titmouse, set a bunch of conflicting emotions stirring inside of her. She hadn't forgotten that he too had abandoned her, his family, and his pack. She kept her emotions carefully veiled behind neutral eyes as she gave him a small smile and greeted him, "Hello, Eljay."

When Eljay happened upon Raven he didn't find the warmth that he had expected; the warmth that had always been there between them before. Raven had never been abundant with emotion but he had somehow expected more than a small smile hidden behind a face that was so void of further expression it scared him. Eljay was used to being able to read everyone right off the bat, and he didn't know what to make of Raven this time; Raven, of all wolves...

"Hey," he said with the worried frown still on his face, though he said nothing more of it; his emotions were still as readable from his face as ever. "How've you... How are you?" He shuffled his weight between his feet, wishing that he'd never left Redhawk Caldera. He wished he could stay here forever. Daddy had said that he had never been a bother, but hadn't he, really? Eljay thought things would change when he would leave but now that he was back here he still felt the clumsy goof. He'd felt that even at Drageda. He felt that everywhere he went. Why didn't it change when he left his birth place, like he expected it to?

She could tell that her lackluster response had troubled him. Deep down, it made her feel guilty and mean, and a cold little frost of shame settled on her heart. She didn't like to make others feel bad and always tried to be a fountain of positivity and love, even if it came at her own expense sometimes. So she tried to put on a happy face and put aside her own feelings for Eljay's sake, but it just...didn't happen. His choice to leave the caldera, and his ridiculous reasons for doing so, had hurt her too much. It had been too much of a betrayal for her to simply pretend everything was great.

The smile that graced her lips didn't quite reach her eyes, and the best she could muster up for him was more lukewarm neutrality. To his question, she replied with a casual shrug, "I'm fine." Because did he actually care? He hadn't cared enough to stick around, so why did it matter now? "How's life at Drageda?" she asked him without a hint of bitterness or derision in her tone, regardless of how she felt saying it. What had the strange, dark she-wolf of those stark cliffs offered him that his own family couldn't?

He couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with Raven, though didn't say so as he didn't want to look stupid. Maybe he was just making too big a deal out of it; they hadn't seen each other for some time and though Eljay had hoped for a warm reunion, maybe she'd just forgotten all about him since he had gone. That wouldn't be too surprising; it wasn't like he made a big impression.

She said she was fine and he nodded, trying to keep a neutral face and most of all, trying to keep the worry off his face, but not being too good at it. She asked how life at Drageda was, and his ears folded back and forward while he tried to think of an answer; unable to fill in what he thought she wanted to hear, thus leaving him unsure of what he should say. He decided to just go with the truth, at least from his point of view, after glancing round to see if anyone else was near enough to hear.

"I miss home," he said and he looked away, feeling like a dummy wuss for saying it like that. He also wanted to say he missed mommy and daddy but he didn't, as he didn't want to look bad. "I mean, I... I'm grateful that they took me in. Wiffle's kids are — they're great..." But from the tone of his voice it was evident that it just wasn't home.

His words stirred up so many emotions in her that it was hard to decide which one was more powerful. Anger? Sadness? Affection? Curiosity? Eljay had always been a little annoying, but he was still one of Redhawk's own and he had still been a friend of Raven's. In her own way, she missed him. And there was no denying that Elwood and Finley missed him, too. "If you miss home so much, why don't you come back?" She couldn't understand his allegiance to another pack -- a pack that wasn't his family -- if he still longed for his own home, particularly now that he was standing right in it. It would be so easy for him to simply change his mind and rejoin the Caldera. Somehow, she doubted he'd even get the words all the way out of his mouth before Finley shouted "yes". She didn't comment on his words about Wifi's children. To Raven, they were only faceless names despite their shared blood, wolves she didn't know who lived in a pack she'd never visited.

Things felt so different between them now. Raven had spent time teaching him about herbs before, when the pups had been born and when Eljay had been interested in becoming a midwife -- he still was -- but now it felt like they were strangers. It made him feel uncomfortable and sad, knowing that Raven had been one of the wolves who had made sure he ate when mommy was gone to look for Lucy, one of the reasons that he was alive at all and one of the wolves he'd spent a lot of time with caring for Peregrine and Fox' last litter, and now it was as if she didn't even know him at all; and he her.

Her question was valid and Eljay uncomfortably murmured, "I can't, I have to get better first. I'd just be in the way." He knew his parents loved him and that they wanted him near -- or at least they'd said so -- but things were just not that simple. He'd still be useless if he would stay only for that reason, and he didn't want to be useless or a bother anymore. He wanted to get better. Better at life, better at everything, anything, something. He couldn't come back right now, although he might've had Wildfire asked him to stay — it was for a part for her that he'd ended up in Drageda to start with, and he hoped she could return soon too.

Sorry my replies are so slow. I didn't use the absence log, but I've been traveling for about a month. :)

His answer made no sense. She couldn't understand how Drageda could help him, but Redhawk couldn't. How was life with a bunch of strangers better than life with family who loved him and had known him since birth? He was so concerned about being in the way, but how was it any different at Drageda? Wasn't he in the way there too? It both angered and confused her, but she carefully kept her expression neutral so as not to upset him or cause him to shut down. She knew that Eljay functioned on a level not much higher than that of a pup, and too much pressure would only close him off. Still, she tried to understand. "Get better from what, exactly? In what ways is Drageda helping you that we can't?" It baffled her that, after all the things they'd gotten through together, this was something that couldn't be fixed at home.

that's totally fine <3

Raven remained neutral but he felt she must be frustrated. Eljay didn't understand why she would be upset for him to leave; yes, they'd been friends, good ones he felt, had helped raise Fox and Peregrine's last litter together... But wasn't life easier without him? He felt nervous in the face of her neutrality because he doubted, with the subject at hand, that she was feeling very neutral at all in reality. "No, I don't mean — I didn't mean like a sickness, or anything. I mean better at — uh, life, I guess, just, things. Mommy and daddy always wanted me to be, uhm, braver and stronger and just... more of good things... I... I always tried to be but I'd just get in the way and I didn't... I didn't want to be a bother anymore." He paused, feeling awkward, looked away and licked his lips in a subconscious sign of submission. "I just wanted to not be in the way all the time, and maybe if I get better I can return some day." He frowned, still looking away, unable to look at Raven although he felt that the emotional wall was glaring at him even if he didn't look at her directly.