Redhawk Caldera fading away

Every day seemed more difficult than the last. Every day, Eljay thought he could feel no worse and be no more useless, but he did feel worse every day. He barely played with his siblings anymore. He spent a lot of time at the borders, just staring, and when he wasn't doing that he'd be elsewhere, staring, fading away. His fur looked dull and unkempt and his ribs were starting to show; not a good sign, with winter in tow.

Unmoving he lay at the rendezvous site today, just staring into the distance as though hoping that he would see Finley approach. He'd barely registered the news of Uncle P's death. He'd cried when he was told by daddy. And then he continued to stare. He looked number each day yet felt so much more each day. Some days the pain he felt was too much to handle, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. He would cry only when he was alone or confronted with himself, trying to find some sort of outlet, but still the feels kept piling up.

Watery eyes stared into the distance and so many thoughts and memories passed his mind, and yet he thought of so little substantial at the same time. He felt like he was fading away slowly, and hunger raged in his stomach — but he knew he wouldn't be able to swallow anything because of the giant lump in his throat whenever he thought of mommy.

maybe @Raven ? c:

The badger den was right where she had left it, of course. Raven spent a day or so cleaning out all the junk, including several sprigs of shriveled herbs that crumbled at her touch (and made her frown a bit at the waste—no one's fault but her own). She then placed what few fresh herbs she had found so far into the makeshift medicine cabinet and marked the area. She knew her pack mates wouldn't mess with her stocks; she wanted to make sure that any herbivores who wandered past knew better than to try to make a meal out of them.

After working on it a bit this morning, Raven wandered back to the rendezvous site to check on her mother. Instead, she found herself almost stumbling over a prostrate form on the ground. "Oh, sorry!" she half-shouted, wheeling backward and peering down at the wolf. For an instant, she thought she might be looking at her Uncle Elwood but no, it wasn't her godfather. She stared for a beat before comprehension dawned.

"Eljay?" she ventured a guess. "Is that you?" Before giving him an opportunity to respond, her yellow eyes scanned him from head to foot to the tip of his tail and she asked worriedly, "Are you sick?"

Even when someone fell over him Eljay didn't startle visibly, almost as if he was already gone. He lifted his head and looked at her, blinking. He didn't realise who was standing before him at first, but then he remembered that daddy'd mentioned Raven's return. That also explained why she knew his name. It was weird seeing her again, because she looked so much smaller than she had before. Eljay suddenly felt self-conscious for looking like a lazy slob, and he looked at his paws in shame.

"Uhm, yeah," he mumbled to confirm that he was indeed Eljay. "No, I'm not sick," he said quickly, not wanting to worry her with false information. He was fine, or at least technically, physically, he supposed; even though his body seemed to tell a different story.

He confirmed his identity and the tip of Raven's tail wiggled as she said, "I don't know if you remember me but I'm Raven." He had still been fairly young when she had gone in search of Pan, so it was possible he might have no recollection of her. She wouldn't take it personally, as she only just barely remembered him in turn. They hadn't spent a lot of time together back in the day, to boot.

She wished she could say it was good to see him, yet despite his insistence that he wasn't sick, Eljay appeared unwell. "You don't look well," Raven said as much, her voice gentle. She had her guesses as to why he might look so down in the dumps but she couldn't be sure without asking. "My dad—were you close with him?" she ventured, voice barely louder than a whisper.

"I know," he said with a watery smile, forcing it onto his face. He didn't actually remember her, but she looked sort of like Uncle P and he knew she existed, so the ends were easily tied together. He wondered aloud, "Why did you leave the Caldera?" because he couldn't imagine leaving his home, ever. He'd stay here for his whole life.

He opened his mouth to repeat his reply when she said he didn't look well, but fell silent when she asked about Uncle P. He'd forgotten that Uncle P was dead altogether, and suddenly he found himself growing sad. He choked back the tears as he said, "I don't want Uncle P to be dead." But there was nothing he could do.

With tearful eyes he went on to say, "I miss mommy. It's my fault Lucy got away 'cause I should've watched her and now mommy's gone. If she gets hurt again and never comes back it's my fault. And mommy and Uncle P would be so mad knowing I'm sitting here being a whiny loser 'cause they just want me to be brave but I'm just not." It was stupid, he knew, to just pour his heart out to a relative stranger, but maybe that was what made it feel so safe. He choked back sobs as tears started to pour from his eyes and he hid his face between his paws, unable to face Raven after what he had just said because he was so ashamed of who he was.

"I went looking for someone and got lost," she said simply, though Raven neither wanted to dwell on that nor focus on herself right now. She could see that her question affected Eljay, as he choked out a response. Her heart dipped at the endearment: Uncle P. That certainly answered her question in its own way. Her heart went out to her fellow yearling, who had been closer to her own father than Raven herself.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," she managed to say before Eljay suddenly launched into a soliloquy about his mother and someone named Lucy. Her heart dropped. What had happened to her godmother? Before she could ask, her makeshift cousin spiraled into self-deprecation. Raven wasn't aware of when it happened but she found herself crouching beside him, pressing close, clucking softly in a there, there sort of way even as he hid his tearful face. Raven shook her own head slowly.

"Eljay," she murmured quietly, touching her nose lightly to the top of his head, "it sounds like you're going through quite a lot all at once. Anyone would struggle in this situation." She paused. "I know it's painful... but can you tell me about your mom and Lucy? What happened to them?"

It felt weird at best when Raven moved closer to him to comfort. Eljay didn't realise it at first, so absorbed was he into his pain, but when he heard her voice he realised how close she must be, and then, as though by lightning strike, realised how close she was to him. He startled a moment, then calmed again. It felt strange because he didn't know Raven very well at all, but it also felt good because Eljay hadn't been close to anyone or comforted by anyone for a while in mommy's absence.

The sobs died down eventually while his thoughts raged on. "You must think me a whiny loser," he muttered; one of the words Nightjar had taught him. "Lucy was taken by someone, but she... she shouldn't've been out alone, and —" His words were interupted by another few loud sobs as he tried to control his emotions; but it was hard to force them down now that they had finally been allowed out. "Mommy is trying to find her, but she's been gone so long and I'm so s-scared that she'll —" — never come back. He couldn't bring himself to say it out loud though, almost as if that might make it reality. And ever since she'd been gone, he found it hard to motivate himself to do anything; even important things like eating and drinking.

A wrinkle appeared in Raven's forehead when he berated himself. "Actually, I don't," she replied firmly, then fell quiet again as Eljay explained the predicament. Although he didn't say it outright, the yearling used contextual clues and gathered that Lucy must be a younger sibling. Pushing aside her own feelings of guilt and dismay for missing the birth of yet another litter, she shifted her weight and touched her nose to the top of his head again as her cousin lost his ability to speak.

"From what I remember about Aunt Flea, she's very determined," Raven said, admiration in her tone, "and stubborn as they come. That's a good thing. It means she won't give up until she finds Lucy safe and sound." She fell quiet for a few beats, thinking, before she continued. "It's probably taking so long because the world's a lot bigger than you might imagine and there's so many places to look. Look at me, for instance. I went looking for someone and it took me months to find my way back. But," Raven hastily explained, "I was only gone that long because I'm terrible at finding my way. I'm sure they'll both get home soon, Eljay."

She also hadn't ever found Pan, yet she didn't mention that part. In the aftermath of Peregrine's death, Raven hadn't even though to ask about his lover's fate. Had he ever returned to the caldera? Was he around her somewhere even now? She hadn't caught his scent, so she doubted it. But Raven gently set aside thoughts of Pan's disappearance and her subsequent misadventure. Eljay needed her right now.

It was always hard to tell what others were thinking, but Eljay knew what others were feeling, at the least. Raven didn't seem malicious, and he wondered how come Nightjar was so different from Wiffle and Raven. What she said next made Eljay swallow difficultly, because it was the same as Uncle P had said in an effort to comfort him — she won't stop until she finds Lucy. Which, in turn, made him remember that Uncle P was dead, gone, and that he'd never come back. If Uncle P could die just like that, what about mommy?

More comfortingly-intended words came from her mouth, and Eljay felt guilty that he wasn't feeling any better. He looked up at Raven with a frown, and with a sniff he admitted: "I want to be a good boy and be hopeful and pretend like it's all going to be okay, I really do — but it feels like I'm never going to be happy again. Everyone just moves on with their lives when something really bad happens, but it's like I'm broken, because I just... I can't." He wanted to be happy again, he wanted to move on and be there for his siblings, but he couldn't. He couldn't even leave Redhawk Caldera, so how could he be a good child in any other way?

She listened carefully as Eljay confided in her. He felt like he was stuck dwelling when the rest of the world moved on with things. Raven could sort of sympathize with him. Although she no longer felt this way, she remembered really struggling to cope with Peregrine's savage treatment of Junior. She remembered veritably obsessing over the gruesome memories, thinking her father a monster, when nobody else seemed that bothered by it. She didn't think it was a good example to bring up now but it gave her an inward ability to identify with Eljay.

"I know how you feel, I think," she replied. "I once had a hard time with something. I couldn't stop thinking about it, even after everyone else had already moved on." She recollected staring at her own feet and wondering if they'd look the same as the inside of Junior's severed head if she tore them apart. Raven shuddered at the memory, pushing it out of her mind. "I dwelled on it a lot longer than I should've. But what helped me was focusing on other stuff and staying busy. For me, teaching myself about medicine gave me something else to do with myself." She paused. "Do you have any trades, Eljay?"

He wished that the answer to her question would be easy enough. He was glad that at least she was able to move past whatever had bothered her at the time; but it didn't make it any easier for him at the moment. He wondered briefly and fleetingly what'd bothered Raven but it didn't seem to matter overly much in light of the question she had asked. "I'm a puppysitter," he said to Raven. "But even looking after my baby brother and sister just makes me unhappy now." If only it'd bring him the same joy that it used to... He decided to skip on being a hunter too, because he was rubbish at that, anyway.

Although it was sad to hear that he no longer found happiness in his former passion—in looking after his own younger siblings—Raven knew exactly what it was like feeling estranged from a loved one. She mulled for a moment, then suddenly shifted to sit upright. There was some tingling numbness in her leg that almost immediately abated. To make up for her shift in position, she patted Eljay lightly on the shoulder.

"Maybe it's time to pursue something new and different then, a sort of fresh start," she thought aloud when an idea struck her. Looking down at the top of his head, she wondered, "Do you have any interest in learning about medicine?"

Eljay didn't really think that learning new things would make him happy again. The only things that would make him happy were mommy, or to be a happier, better child; but the latter seemed like an impossible goal that he could never achieve. To be the child his parents could be proud of... It seemed impossible. But Raven wanted instead for him to learn medicine, even if Eljay didn't think it would help.

But he wasn't really in any position to object, so without any form of real enthusiasm he murmured, "Sure, I guess..." Maybe it would be good for him and maybe he would feel better... But somehow, he doubted it. He confessed: "I always wanted to help deliver puppies, to make sure that the birth would go well. But I don't think anyone would trust me with something important like that..." He was pretty sure Fox wouldn't. Aunt Fox was great but he always felt a little nervous in her presence, because she seemed to appreciate qualities he didn't posses. And mommy was gone, and she had almost died when he had helped her last time...

His reply was pretty noncommittal but Raven hadn't particularly expected enthusiasm, not in his current mental state. She favored the top of his head with a gentle, encouraging smile, which grew thoughtful at his admission. Childbirth was a very private process, so if Eljay wanted to be a midwife, it must be approached with sensitivity. Eljay appeared to possess quite a lot of that, it was just a matter of redirecting and utilizing it appropriately.

"I can't say whether or not you're right about that," Raven said, "but if that's true, what you need to work on is building that trust. You have to prove you're trustworthy and knowledgeable." Surely he had a head start on the former. "I've never delivered puppies before but I'd love to help you with the latter. I can teach you about what herbs will help with managing a mother's pain; what can boost milk production; and all that sort of thing. If you're interested."

Eljay thought back to when mommy had given birth and he had almost lost her. He didn't have a clue what to do at the time except be there for her, but it was clear that that wasn't enough. It was somewhat of a relief that Raven seemed to know a thing or two about herbs even if she had never delivered puppies herself. He felt a pang of envy, knowing that she would be much likelier to bring to world the next batch of pups here. She was a lot more trustworthy after all, and Fox' daughter, too. It wasn't an entirely foreign feeling, because Eljay often felt like he wasn't good enough compared to others, but it was the first time that it affected him so directly in the form of jealousy. As if he'd been fine dangling at the side of all gatherings before, but suddenly he no longer was and wanted to be like others, rather than simply resting in the fact he was less good than them.

Swallowing the weird feeling away, Eljay said, "Thank you, that would be nice." It might help him at least, even if he wasn't sure he'd ever get to use the knowledge. With a grunt, almost as if it cost him great effort to do so, Eljay rose to his feet, preparing for a lesson in herbs; a subject he knew nothing about.

He seemed open to the idea and even stood, clearly prepared for his first lesson right this very moment. Raven blinked in surprise, though she smiled at the shift in disposition. She would be happy to jump right into teaching, even though it might take her a moment to discern where to start.

In the meantime, she looked him over and said, "Before we do anything, I think we should get something to eat and drink." She didn't say it out loud but it looked like Eljay probably hadn't eaten a square meal in days, possibly weeks. And his fur was dry and coarse, indicating he hadn't hydrated enough. In fact, it was readily apparent that he really hadn't been taking care of himself lately, though Raven certainly wouldn't judge. She only wanted to help.

Sensing that her words might make him feel put on the spot, she said, "I mean, I don't know about you but I'm pretty hungry and thirsty. And it's always a good idea to eat before getting your hands dirty, which we'll definitely be doing."

Raven suggested eating and drinking, and though Eljay didn't feel like either, he supposed they could if she wanted to. "Oh, uh, sure, we could, I mean — if you're hungry," he murmured and he nodded. He felt a little light-headed himself, so he supposed eating might help, but didn't feel like he really deserved anything to eat.

He couldn't tell Raven about those things though, so he just nodded and waited for her to lead them somewhere food-like and water-like. Probably one of the caches, he guessed.

Cool to fade here? ^^

"We should both eat," she suggested lightly, not making a big deal out of it as she turned and began leading the way toward a stockpile. Raven could and did hunt, yet it wasn't her specialty by any means, so she intended to dip into a nearby cache. "I wouldn't say that it's hard work, not like hunting or patrolling. But there's a lot of walking involved, some digging, that sorta thing. And energy is always good."

She was facing forward but she turned her head slightly to glance at Eljay, shooting him an encouraging smile. Raven then picked up the pace somewhat, keeping it to an easy trot as she led him to food and then onward to their lesson.

Eljay shifted his weight lightly when Raven suggested they both eat. He didn't feel like eating, but he would try, at least; he'd already figured he would, so that it might not show so much. But Raven was clever and she seemed to know almost exactly what was going on. It made Eljay feel naked and uncomfortable, but at the same time like at least he didn't need to pretend to be happy.

"Okay," he said and he followed in silence as they made their way to a cache. While they ate, he tried his best to eat but only managed to get a few shreds of food through his throat, continually pestered with the guilt of taking the pack's resources and everything that had happened, and waiting until they'd go look for some herbs.

cool with me, i'll archive :)