Heron Lake Plateau searching

Ever since the falling stars, Eljay had felt weird. He felt really happy being with Raven and Quixote's children but something had changed, too. A longing had started to fill him, a desire to become a father himself. Eljay knew it was a silly kind of longing because he did not even have a mate and he wasn't so sure that he ever would. He didn't remember ever being in love. It seemed something others had but not something for him. After all, shouldn't it already have happened if such a thing was meant to happen? But his longing to be a real father to his own children remained and he did not know what to do with the feelings. He adored Raven and Quixote's bunch and so it filled him with guilt that he wanted more than just that.

Eljay hoped to find @Finley or @Elwood around somewhere. Maybe he just needed to talk to someone and it would all be okay again after that. He wondered if they were having more pups next year, though it seemed to go without saying that they would indeed. The late afternoon was cold and cloudy as Eljay sought through the territories. His heart ached as he tried to navigate, still missing Redhawk Caldera dearly. It just wasn't the same here; it just wasn't home for him yet, and he was unsure it ever would be.

Elwood and Finley had returned from the Sunspire a few days before, and it was bittersweet. He had enjoyed the time spent with Liffey and his grandchildren, and he had to admit there was a part of him that almost wanted to stay there and watch the youngest generation of Blackthorns grow. But the rest of his family was back at Heron Lake Plateau, and an equal portion of his heart had missed them while he was away.

He had given himself some time to rest and recuperate, allowing muscles sore from travel to relax, and today was the first day that he planned to venture to the borders for a patrol. It was chilly and overcast, like a premonition of the winter to come, and he was stretching and preparing to leave the rendezvous site when Eljay arrived. He smiled at the sight of his eldest, and he strode to greet him. "What are you up to?" he asked amiably as he approached.

Eljay was a little jealous that mommy and daddy had gotten to visit Liffey and her family, but he was also glad to not have to travel very far. Eljay hadn't enjoyed his travels through the lands at all when he had left Redhawk Caldera, and even though this place was very clearly not Redhawk Caldera, it was still a home of sorts. It was safer than being out there. He hoped next time Liffey would come and visit them instead, so that he could meet her children. The thought of Liffey as a mom was infinitely weird to Eljay, but he would love to meet his nieces and nephews nonetheless.

As he found daddy at the rendezvous site a smile came onto Eljay's face. "Hey daddy," he greeted and as he reached Elwood Eljay gently booped his nose against his father's shoulder. "Oh, I was just, uhm -- Daydreaming. I mean, I was on my way over to see you guys now that you're back. How was Liffey..?" It was clear from Eljay's voice that he was a little jealous and sad that he hadn't been able to go, though he also genuinely wanted to hear how his sister was doing.

It came as no surprise when Eljay admitted that he had been daydreaming. He seemed to be the type of wolf who could get lost in his own thoughts. Elwood hoped that whatever he had been thinking of was positive -- but he did notice the tones of sadness in his son's voice when he asked after Liffey and their trip to the Sunspire.

Elwood leaned into Eljay's touch against his shoulder, then straightened up as he began to respond. "She's good! Her kids are growing like weeds. Their names are Remi, Wisteria, Breccan, and Deshyr," he said, picturing each grandchild in his mind as he mentioned them. "They don't all look traditionally Blackthorn, though. They're a bit more colorful than you and your siblings," he added with a smile. Remi resembled her maternal grandparents the most, although Wisteria did have the telltale black stripe, too. But Deshyr and Breccan must have taken after Rannoch's side of the family, he supposed.

It was good to hear that Liffey was doing well. It was so strange to hear about her children however, because in Eljay's mind she was still a little child herself and he couldn't really fathom her as a mother. But she was a mother now, and the pups were doing well. If only she still lived here, though, along with her pups... Daddy went on to explain that the pups looked a little different than Eljay and his siblings, and that was somehow even weirder to picture. Eljay wished he could visit Liff, but he was also afraid to leave the territory for too long, especially now that winter was coming soon. He was needed for the pups and he didn't want to make such a long and dangerous journey alone.

"I'm glad she's doing well," said Eljay with a soft smile. After a short moment of silence Eljay then went on to reveal a little bit of all that was on his mind. "How did you meet mommy? Did you always love her?"

Eljay's questions caught Elwood by surprise, but they quickly elicited a smile. He found himself wondering why he and Finley hadn't ever really shared their love story with their oldest son; whatever the reason, now seemed to be the perfect opportunity.

"I loved her from the moment I met her, but it took me a while to realize it," he said, his expression softening as he took himself back in time. "We met at Redhawk Caldera -- I happened to meet Peregrine by chance and he recruited me into the pack, and Mom was already living there. She had traveled to the caldera from Blacktail Deer Plateau with Peregrine and Fox. We became best friends first, but we didn't actually know that we were in love until after we had a big fight," he continued, pausing to give Eljay a chance to digest the information and ask any questions before he kept going.

Eljay listened quietly to the story that daddy recounted. He smiled throughout the whole thing, guzzling up all the information. It seemed like a fairytale-like story -- well, maybe except for the fight, but it had all been for the better in the end -- and Eljay wondered if Liffey's experiences had been similar too. He wondered if he would some day have this great story to tell his pups, too, or if he would always remain alone. Maybe he was just destined to be the pack's puppysitter and live the parents' life only indirectly through the other Redhawk pups. After all, it hadn't happened so far...

"That's a really lovely story," Eljay commented with a soft smile. "How old were you guys?" He wasn't actually sure at all how old mommy and daddy were and had never given it any thought. They'd always just been 'old'. Only now that he thought he might be approaching the age that they already had, well, him, Eljay was starting to think about such things.

Elwood wrinkled his nose in thought. How old had he and Finley been at the beginning of their love story? It was years ago, but it also seemed like it had happened just yesterday. Time was a funny thing, and it only got stranger as he got older. "I think we were both around two when we met," he mused. And now here they were four years later, considered "retirees" by the rest of the pack and easing into their twilight years.

Eljay had sort of hoped that his parents had been a bit older when they'd met. Two seemed so young, and it made him feel as if maybe something was wrong with him that he was turning four next year and he had never met anyone he had fallen head over heels in love with in some way. This reflected in his body language, as Eljay shifted his paws nervously and merely responded with "Oh.." Then, as he realised that it was rather rude to reflect only on his part of this question, he quickly added: "I'm glad you found each other." Eljay smiled softly then, for it wasn't hard to be happy about that; even beside the fact that he would not have been born if it weren't for his parents getting together.

Although Eljay didn't come right out and say it, Elwood noticed a change in the boy's body language and wondered internally about his reason for asking about his parents' relationship. It wasn't hard to put two and two together -- he suspected that Eljay was thinking about his own love life, or lack thereof. He had a lot of positive qualities and traits, and Elwood honestly believed that he would make a great husband; but he also didn't have a lot of self-confidence, and there weren't exactly many eligible bachelorettes in the pack.

"I'm glad too," he replied, and then, with ears tilted back slightly, he asked, "Are you interested in finding someone?" He wasn't sure the best way to broach the subject, and didn't want to make Eljay uncomfortable, but he figured that asking outright was probably better than beating around the bush.

Eljay smiled at daddy as he confirmed being glad. It was nice to see that mommy and daddy were so happy together. Daddy's next question caught Eljay off-guard -- even though he should've seen it coming -- and he looked caught out immediately. "Oh, uhm..." He hadn't given it much thought until others had brought it to his attention, and until he realised how much he would like pups of his own one day. But Eljay wasn't really looking for someone, because he wasn't sure that there was someone out there for him. If he hadn't found anyone at all that liked him enough for that so far, then, well...

"I dunno, maybe... I'd... I guess I'd like to be a dad some day, too." Maybe he just needed time. Sure, mommy and daddy had found each other young, and so had Quixote and Raven, but there was still time for him, surely.

As usual, the boy hemmed and hawed a bit before answering; but his response was essentially what Elwood had been expecting. It opened the door to a series of emotions in Elwood. He wanted to see his son find happiness in a mate, but he worried about Eljay's self-confidence. Selfishly, Elwood wouldn't mind being a grandfather twice over (counting Liffey's litter) -- and, theoretically, he could be there to see Eljay's children raised among the Redhawks. But that was if he found a girl, and if she came to live with him here at the plateau.

While those concerns were valid, Elwood tried to focus more on the positive feelings that this conversation elicited. He smiled warmly. "You'll make an amazing father," he said emphatically, and each word was layered with truth. Eljay was caring and kind and had plenty of experience with children. His future offspring couldn't ask for a better dad.

Eljay didn't think that he would make a poor father, but he wasn't too sure he'd make a good mate. He knew he shouldn't be looking to find love just for the sake of children. That just didn't seem a very good basis for a relationship. But Eljay did really want children, he found, and there he found himself at a bit of a standstill with himself. He supposed he'd just have to be happy enough to help raise the pups here; at least he had his position as midwife and puppysitter here in the Redhawks pack. It wasn't Redhawk Caldera, exactly, but it was at least the pack that also held his family.

"Thanks, dad," Eljay said and he smiled softly at his father. He wasn't too sure what else to say, since the issue was left hanging there: Both of them knew that he needed to find a girl if he wanted pups and Eljay wasn't too sure he ever would. He contemplated asking daddy for advice but at the same time he was still struggling with the whole ethical dilemma of wanting a mate mostly for the sake of becoming a father and that just didn't feel right.

"I mean it," Elwood reiterated, then contemplated whether to further the conversation. It seemed like there was more that Eljay wanted to say, but wasn't admitting out loud just yet. He didn't want to make his son uncomfortable, but also felt like he would be doing him a disservice by simply leaving him hanging.

He thought back to the time when Eljay had run away from Redhawk Caldera without letting anyone know where he was going, in hopes of proving himself. Naturally, Elwood didn't want Eljay to leave again -- and was fairly certain that Eljay himself didn't want to go -- but he wondered how else he would meet a girl. Perhaps with the proper planning and mindset, such an adventure could be productive this time.

"Do you think you would ever want to...I don't know, leave the plateau? There just aren't a lot of girls here," Elwood said with a small, rueful smile. "We want you to stay, of course," he added, meaning himself and Eljay's mother, "but this is something that is up to you, and we would support you."

Of course daddy meant it. Eljay felt blessed to have such loving parents -- mommy and daddy were the most amazing wolves he could think of, so to have exactly these two as his parents, well, he must be the luckiest wolf alive. Eljay often felt a little guilty that he hadn't made more of his life despite having such amazing parents, but he hoped that he did proud enough by them, anyway, even if he wasn't the perfect son.

When daddy asked him if he'd want to leave the Redhawks pack, Eljay was shocked. He blinked; it was clear he had not expected this question. Eljay had never really thought of logistics because, well, obviously he hadn't met a girl yet so there was no use thinking of whether or not he'd leave his pack, now. Admittedly, Heron Lake Plateau wasn't Redhawk Caldera, or he would've immediately had said 'no'. Now the 'no' was mostly in the family that was here, but there was family in other regions too, like Liffey. It wasn't the same, but still, he wouldn't be all alone at least.

"Oh, uh -- I hadn't thought of it much. I don't know if my chances of meeting someone would be higher in another pack... Let alone getting permission to uhm, you know, have pups. I guess I didn't think of it much." It seemed silly to go looking for love elsewhere, anyway. It shouldn't be that he was looking for love, it should be that he happened to run into the right person, if he were to find love. After a short moment, Eljay indirectly admitted: "Do you... Do you miss Redhawk Caldera?" Because he did, all the time. He was still homesick for the place but he knew he couldn't go back there. It was dangerous and there wasn't a pack there, now, that he could be a part of...

It didn't seem to be something that Eljay had given much consideration, but he brought up a fact that Elwood had forgotten about. Even if he ventured away from the plateau, found a lady and fell in love, there was no guarantee that they would be able to have puppies if they joined a different pack. A voice in the back of Elwood's head whispered, "But if you and said lady came back to the Redhawks..." Not only would he be more likely to earn breeding rights here, but that would ensure that Elwood and Finley's grandchildren would be raised in their company.

The whole situation held a lot of uncertainties and what-ifs, though. They could speculate on it all day, but it wouldn't really bring Eljay any closer to procreating. Elwood was happy to leave it to fate, as long as Eljay was content with his life at the moment. He was still young; who knew how things would play out in the future. The boy's next question was a bit of a non-sequitur, but it was something that Elwood suspected was often on Eljay's mind. He had never really seemed to love the plateau like the caldera.

"I do miss it, a lot," he admitted. He liked their new home, and had grown accustomed to it; he had no complaints. But it just wasn't the same. Redhawk Caldera held so many memories.

The subject easily slipped onto the Caldera. Eljay wasn't too sure whether he was happy or sad that daddy missed it, too. Someone to share his own grief with, but also a sadness that daddy felt the same grief as he did. Some days it felt all-consuming, just like the grief he had felt that time mommy had been lost for some time. He could only hope that daddy didn't feel the pain as vividly as he did, for he wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

The whole situation was unclear to Eljay and after a moment of silence he half wondered, half asked: "Do you think we'll ever be able to go back there..?" He knew things were rough with blackfeather woods at the time, but what if they were already long gone? And what if they could make up with the blackfeather wolves? Eljay just wanted to be back home more than anything else.

On the surface, Eljay's question seemed simple. It would be easy to plan and execute a visit to Redhawk Caldera, even for someone like Elwood who didn't like to travel. He and Finley had made it to and from the Sunspire without incident, so he was confident they could go to the caldera. But although he didn't say it outright, Elwood knew that Eljay was asking about moving back there to stay.

While that was something he would love to do, Elwood didn't know how feasible it would be. It was unlikely that the whole pack would move back; he wasn't sure how the current leadership would feel about that, and honestly, the thought of being any closer to Blackfeather Woods still put a bad taste in his mouth. He shrugged his shoulders by way of response, then elaborated.

"I don't know. Maybe someday, but...I really just don't know," he said. (Of course, he didn't know that there would eventually be a visit planned by Eljay and Wildfire, and that he and Finley would be included in those plans!)

Daddy's answer was vague, and Eljay supposed that daddy didn't know everything either. Time would tell whether or not they'd be able to return to the Caldera. Eljay grimaced but he knew that daddy was just being realistic. Maybe some day, he could return to the Caldera and live there again, or visit. The Redhawks belonged there, in Eljay's mind, so he hoped that leadership'd consider it some day.

"Yeah... I hope so." Eljay fell silent then, just thinking about Redhawk Caldera and how much better it was than where they lived now.

Fade? :)

"I hope so too," Elwood agreed simply. There wasn't much more to say than that; those few words expressed his true feelings about Redhawk Caldera. He lapsed into thoughtful silence for a few seconds, then shook his head slightly as if bringing himself back into the present.

"I think I'm going to go grab a bite to eat," he said, gesturing towards the location of a distant cache. "Wanna come?" He began to amble in that direction with his invitation, whether or not Eljay chose to join him or not.

yes!

Eljay wondered what was needed in order for them to be able to move back to Redhawk Caldera. Well.. He would just have to keep hoping they could visit it some day, and maybe stay there at some point. As daddy invited him to grab a bite, Eljay nodded. "Yeah," he agreed and followed daddy.