Broken Antler Fen PeachPuff

Eljay smiled as Wraen mentioned that they had a leader-in-training who was eager to learn. That's nice, Eljay said, mentally noting the name in case he'd run into Lilithu later that maybe he could ask her about it.

When Wraen said that if there was a vacancy at some point and he wanted to give it a try, Eljay stiffened briefly, and then shrugged, clearly a little uncomfortably so. I dunno... I mean, I couldn't even be a leader in Redhawk Caldera despite being a Blackthorn. That's gotta mean something. But that's okay. Maybe it just isn't my uh, 'thing'. Everyone had their own strengths, and honestly, Eljay wasn't too sure if leading was really his. He should just be happy to have a niche strength in the shape of caretaking, and be happy he could help others that way. There was no use trying to aim too high; it would only lead to disappointment.

Speaking of disappointing others, Eljay felt the twist in his gut tighten when Wraen asked him how he decided to change his mind and live with Brecheliant. It made him feel flustered, but mostly it made his rapidly pounding heart return, along with a dizzy sense of nausea that made him want to throw up. Ah, he started, and then continued to stumble over his words, glimpses of a younger Eljay, I was — am — should be — Ouch... How many more pups would Towhee have lost by now? Why aren't you there, Eljay? I mean, I was. I just, I... I don't know, I just couldn't do it anymore. Be there for them all the time, when t-they didn't even... It was too much. It's... I don't know how to describe what it feels like. It was like this.. weight, that just feels like it's.. going to crush me. Eljay let out a quivering breath as he stopped himself, not wanting to keep talking until he would burst. He looked out at the landscape around them, afraid to look at Wraen. Afraid that she would judge him as harshly as he judged himself for leaving.