I've learned to lose you, can't afford to
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Ooc — hela
Warrior
—
Offline
Her heart hammered in her chest as she finally crossed over into the remains of what had once been her home. It had been so long since she had even thought of this place, and now she walked through the rock and rubble, feeling like a ghost. She hadn't even been sure she had wanted to come here, but as she got closer and closer to the mountains, she knew she wouldn't be able to avoid it. There was only one reason she came here. She knew no one would be here, at least not anyone that she wanted to see, and she knew she would find no answers here; she only came to visit @Stigmata's grave.
She knew it would hurt to come here, but she hadn't known exactly how much. It wasn't until the familiar mound came into sight that she really knew how much it would affect her. Tears stung her eyes even though she promised herself she wouldn't cry. But who was she kidding? She was an emotional mess anyway, no matter how much she tried to hide it. What happened with Donovan had her questioning everything about herself. She was angry that he had lied to her, yet she still felt drawn to him despite it all. She knew it was wrong, and it made her feel stupid and gullible. Most of all, she felt incredibly lonely. Even with Mal's support, a gnawing emptiness had taken place in her chest, and she felt like no one really knew her—she didn't even know who she was. There was a time when she had many confident answers about who she was, but now she just felt lost.
Grass had grown over the grave, and she dropped a bundle of wildflowers on top as she came to sit next to it. She stared a the place where her father's body lay, buried under dirt and grass and rock. Many emotions rose the surface at once. As always, there was an overwhelming anger at having her father ripped away too soon, and with anger came a great sadness that had the tears finally falling down her cheeks. She also felt the loneliness even deeper now, and nothing had made her feel more lost than looking at her dad's forgotten grave. Because that was how it looked, buried under rubble and with grass sprouting up from the dirt. She wondered if anyone had come to visit, or if everyone had just moved on with their lives. She certainly had; she had allowed herself to tuck the feelings away, deep inside where she rarely had to think about them. Of course, they surfaced from time to time anyway. That was the annoying thing about trying to avoid your feelings: they found their own way to be felt and usually at the worst possible time.
She didn't try to stop the feelings now, though; she let them fill her with their full intensity, too exhausted to do anything but ride it all out. The tears came faster now, and she drew in a shuddering breath. Why did this still affect her so much? When would she be able to look back on this without so much emotion? Never? How was she supposed to live her life with this looming over her all the time.
Eventually, the tears and the emotions left her raw and numb, but she still sat there. For hours, she sat there, head hung. The feeling and tears would resurface again a few times, but by the morning, she would be numb again. With her eyes puffy and red, and her body spent from the emotional night, she would find some dark cave to fall asleep in, her dreams of the family she had left behind.
She knew it would hurt to come here, but she hadn't known exactly how much. It wasn't until the familiar mound came into sight that she really knew how much it would affect her. Tears stung her eyes even though she promised herself she wouldn't cry. But who was she kidding? She was an emotional mess anyway, no matter how much she tried to hide it. What happened with Donovan had her questioning everything about herself. She was angry that he had lied to her, yet she still felt drawn to him despite it all. She knew it was wrong, and it made her feel stupid and gullible. Most of all, she felt incredibly lonely. Even with Mal's support, a gnawing emptiness had taken place in her chest, and she felt like no one really knew her—she didn't even know who she was. There was a time when she had many confident answers about who she was, but now she just felt lost.
Grass had grown over the grave, and she dropped a bundle of wildflowers on top as she came to sit next to it. She stared a the place where her father's body lay, buried under dirt and grass and rock. Many emotions rose the surface at once. As always, there was an overwhelming anger at having her father ripped away too soon, and with anger came a great sadness that had the tears finally falling down her cheeks. She also felt the loneliness even deeper now, and nothing had made her feel more lost than looking at her dad's forgotten grave. Because that was how it looked, buried under rubble and with grass sprouting up from the dirt. She wondered if anyone had come to visit, or if everyone had just moved on with their lives. She certainly had; she had allowed herself to tuck the feelings away, deep inside where she rarely had to think about them. Of course, they surfaced from time to time anyway. That was the annoying thing about trying to avoid your feelings: they found their own way to be felt and usually at the worst possible time.
She didn't try to stop the feelings now, though; she let them fill her with their full intensity, too exhausted to do anything but ride it all out. The tears came faster now, and she drew in a shuddering breath. Why did this still affect her so much? When would she be able to look back on this without so much emotion? Never? How was she supposed to live her life with this looming over her all the time.
Eventually, the tears and the emotions left her raw and numb, but she still sat there. For hours, she sat there, head hung. The feeling and tears would resurface again a few times, but by the morning, she would be numb again. With her eyes puffy and red, and her body spent from the emotional night, she would find some dark cave to fall asleep in, her dreams of the family she had left behind.
Inuttuk
Common
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