Redhawk Caldera We don't laugh anymore

Partly to avoid inviting more of Finley's motherly wrath and also because he felt so damn guilty about everything, Peregrine initially resisted the urge to seek out @Eljay again. But it was not an impulse he could deny for long. He ached to reach out to his nephew, assure him that he knew he'd never meant any harm. Peregrine wanted Eljay to know how much he appreciated how seriously he took his responsibilities when it came to the pups and how his deep love for Peter could not have been more apparent. There were a thousand things the Alpha wanted to say to him, he just hoped Eljay wasn't too upset to give him the time of day.

He lurked past the Beta pair's den in the early hours of the morning but didn't see him, though he found him on his second pass, faithfully keeping vigil. Fairly sure Finley was in the den with the three newbies, he stood at a distance and tried to catch the Delta's eye. If it seemed Eljay was trying to avoid his gaze, he would take the hint and leave. But his heart climbed into his throat, hopeful that he could put things right, or as right as he could considering there was no way to bring Peter back from the dead.

Tag for reference. Hope these assumptions are OK. Let me know if I need to change anything. If Eljay would ignore him, I'll blackmail someone else to jump in here instead. :D

Eljay had been dutifully trying to combine avoiding social contact with Uncle P or Aunt Fox with his duties of caring for his newborn siblings. It was a pretty hard thing to do, and it was extremely stressful for him to do so. Rather than avoid feeling tense, Eljay now felt tense all the time. But he was too afraid to actually approach either of them at the moment. Especially after he'd found Peter back — or thought he had, anyway — and the confusion that brought along. He was also afraid Peter-who-didn't-know-he-was-Peter might have told Uncle P about their adventure the other day and that he would be in for another "talk".

So when he noticed Uncle P at a short distance from the den, Eljay's heart nearly caught in his throat, his heart pumping and stomach dropping with uncomfortable jitters. He swallowed and looked away guiltily, licking his lips and lowering his head instinctively as a sign of submission. Then he glanced back at the den a moment to make sure that mommy and the puppies were okay, and he started to trail away. He moved not directly away from Uncle P — it'd be too obvious — but somewhere in the middle. He didn't go directly at Uncle P but instead tried to flee the scene. He moved as though a casual lope and tried not to make it show he was trying to avoid any social contact with Uncle P, but his tucked tail and the occasional guilty glances he stole in his uncle's direction from the corners of his eyes betrayed his purposeful fleeing.

The Delta might not have fled outright, though everything about his body language and movements screamed, Leave me alone! Peregrine's heart fell. He took a step back, preparing to leave and maybe try again another time. He really didn't want to do any more damage to his relationship with Eljay or the boys' parents. It discomfited him terribly, being at odds with the wolves he'd known and cared for longer than anyone else in his life (save for Fox), his own blood relations included.

Somehow, though, he found himself calling out to the yearling, "Eljay, I'm sorry!" He could take it or leave it, the Alpha just badly needed to say those words. He still thought he'd done the right thing, even if it had been hard on them both, but none of this felt right. It wasn't often that Peregrine Redhawk told anybody he was sorry, and this was right up there in the top three most sincere, heartfelt apologies of his entire life.

The words hit him like a sharp needle, and ears pinned back defensively. He was confused, because he felt that there was nothing that Uncle P should be sorry for. If anyone should apologise, it was him, he felt. He looked in Uncle P's direction, and ears splayed briefly, perked forward, then backward and then they spayed again, a confused look on his face.

Eljay took a few tiny steps in the direction of his uncle. He cleared his throat and said loudly, so that his uncle would hear, "I... What... for?" He bit his lip, feeling stupid for stumbling over his words, but at least he had gotten some words out.

When the yearling stopped and turned to respond, Peregrine's heart leaped into his throat. He was so keyed up about it that his brain blanked initially, though soon he was blurting out answers between steadying breaths. "For upsetting you." Deep breath. "For not getting to tell you what an amazing sitter and big brother I think you are." Another deep breath. That one was partly Finley's fault too. "Mostly, for not being there to save Peter," and avoid this entire emotional mess. This time, his breath gusted raggedly from his chest.

After gauging Eljay's expression and body language, Peregrine took a tentative step forward, then shot his nephew a look as if to ask if it was okay to keep coming closer. He hated this distance—both actual and figurative—that had sprung up between them. He badly wanted to make things right, or as right as possible considering the grief that formed the core of the issue between them.

The distance remained between them for a bit longer, and Eljay looked uncertainly on as Uncle P spoke. Eljay didn't really think he was any of those things, but he supposed that at least he was a sitter and a big brother. Upon the social cue he drew nearer lightly, his head low and submissive instinctively to mirror his mood, though he stiffened midway on his way to his uncle's side.

Peter.

It felt as if something crosswired in his brain, like maintenance couldn't find the right place to put all the wires. A moment ago, he'd known that the boy he'd met wasn't really Petey... But the next, only the memories of spending time with the boy, giving him the collection of treasures he'd saved for Petey, spending time with him, those were the only things Eljay remembered.

Again he came closer, placing a careful lick on his uncle's chin in respect before he said in a whispery voice, "It... It's okay, Uncle P. Petey came back, didn't he? Everything turned out okay." His lip trembled as if a bodily protest to discussing this subject at all. "I showed him all the rocks I'd gathered." The memories were fuzzy, like a very vivid dream, and he couldn't place all the details, but he was very convinced that the time spent with Stoic had been with Peter in that moment.

Eljay came to him and Peregrine remained very still even as he ached to mutually close the distance. When his nephew's tongue touched his chin, his eyes closed and he tilted his snout forward to place his own lick along the ridge of the other wolf's muzzle. He then drew back, giving the Delta an opportunity to speak, and his body froze again for an entirely different reason.

Peregrine experienced a massive crisis of conscience in that moment. He should have known that the lost boy's presence here would confuse the matter; he himself had compared him to Peter and even fleetingly considered what it would be like to use him as a makeshift replacement. But that was goddamn crazy. At the same time, could he even bear breaking Eljay's heart all over again? Would he survive that? Especially if Finley found out about it?

There seemed to be no right or easy answer here. He could give in, play along, but to what end? What kind of permanent damage might that do not only to Eljay but the Firebirds too? He didn't want to pretend or take the easy way out, so after a long beat of silence, he said slowly, quietly but clearly, "No, Eljay, Peter didn't come back. That's why it's so hard to accept a loved one's death, because it's forever. He's never coming back." He swallowed, wincing. "I think you're talking about Stoic? He was lost, so I brought him here so we can take care of him. He looks like Peter but he's a completely different person."

He had more to say on the matter—he briefly wondered if Eljay would like to help find the pup a new name—but he left it that, hoping that breaking the news in small bits and pieces would make it easier to digest. Although Peregrine was beginning to lose hope that Eljay was able to properly absorb this painful reality at all.

He felt his body tense up when Uncle P told him that he was wrong, saying that Peter was never coming back. But Eljay had seen the boy, and, the moments of clarity clouded at the moment, he knew it was true. He was at a road with two splits then, unsure whether to just agree with Uncle P and pretend like none of this had happened, keeping Peter to himself, or arguing against him. Yet to argue against Uncle P was an unfathomable thing, for not only was he the pack's Alpha, but also an object of Eljay's endless admiration. To tell Uncle P he was wrong seemed a travesty.

Uncle P asked if he meant Stoic, and Eljay looked confused for a moment. "I saw him with my own eyes," he said, a sad expression lingering on his face at the realisation that Uncle P thought he wasn't telling the truth. "I'm not l-lying, I swear!" He looked pleadingly at Uncle P, willing him to see the truth and believe him, and embrace the little boy as the Peter he was. "I was there, we — we collected rocks 'n everything..." He didn't respond to the notion it might've been Stoic, because that part confused him and he wasn't sure how to properly respond to it.

Maybe one day would come a moment he'd learn to deal with Peter's loss, but today certainly wasn't it.

The information definitely distressed him visibly, so Peregrine prepared himself for some damage control. "Eljay," he said softly but sternly when his nephew looked at him pleadingly, "I know you didn't lie. I think you're just confused and that's understandable. They do look very similar. And I'm glad you were nice to him, because he's been through a lot. He lost his parents, just like we lost Peter. But he isn't Peter. Do you understand...?"

He ducked his head, hoping to catch Eljay's eye again. Somehow, he thought that the power of his gaze would somehow compel the young man to properly comprehend what he was saying. But Peregrine still suspected that, no matter how hard he tried or how mean or nice he was about it, this wasn't something that would simply click into place in Eljay's mind just like that. It might take continuous efforts and reminders, a thought which put a goddamn pit in his stomach.

Eljay grew more and more confused as Uncle P spoke. He was sure that it was Peter, because he remembered playing together, hanging out, having fun... How could all of that be a lie? He looked sorrowfully at his uncle when he was asked if he understood, because he just didn't.

"But I know it was him, 'cause I... We hung out together." He didn't believe it was just another boy... or was it? Eljay heaved a panicky sigh, sucking in breath rapidly while he tried to prevent a panic attack and said, "Uncle P, do you think I'm crazy in the head?" He wanted the answer to be no, but it seemed that everyone was thinking it — even if no one would admit it to him — and like his own memories were lying to him... So how could he not be crazy, if his head was telling him different things than everyone else saw?

The Alpha's lips pursed when Eljay threw that question at him. He was definitely worried that something wasn't right in his nephew's head but did he want to say that to him? What good would that do, aside from hurt him more? Peregrine was getting sick of hurting him. He wasn't one to lie or even sugarcoat things. He wanted to be honest, without doing any more damage. Was that even possible at this point?

Gently, he said, "Crazy? No. Confused? Yes. Trauma can do that to you: confuse you, mix things up in your head and heart..." He drew in a breath. "But I don't think you're lying or that you're insane or anything like that. I do think that, maybe, your mind is playing tricks on you because you want so badly for Peter to be alive." He gave Eljay a sympathetic look. "And because the reality sucks so bad, it's much easier to go along with the fantasy than to fight it. To accept the truth. Which—I know how that feels, Eljay. You're not alone in this."

Eljay wasn't really sure what to say in response to Uncle P's words. He just wished that he wasn't such a bother, felt in the way 'cause he couldn't deal with his own grief. Eljay shuffled his feet and looked guiltily at his uncle while he said, "I'll try to do better..." Though his words were half-hearted, for he wasn't sure he could do better, he really did want to try and be a better, well, everything — pack mate, nephew, brother, uncle, son.

"I uh... I'm sorry for being such a bother," Eljay said with shimmery eyes and he looked at Uncle P, hoping to find compassion there. He wished that he'd find denial, but he knew that it was true that he was a big bother right now, so he wasn't counting on it.

Although Peregrine wished he could tell Eljay he was doing just fine, the truth was that he wasn't and the Alpha wouldn't lie to him. "That's all I can ask," he said instead, voice gentle. "I'm here for you if you need help. And it goes without saying that your mom and dad are too." He thought of Finley's agitation and sighed inwardly, wondering how they'd move past that. Hopefully she would come around and realize he had never meant to step on toes or hurt Eljay. He just wanted what was best for the boy and his own boys too.

When his nephew turned shimmering eyes upon him, Peregrine couldn't help himself. He pulled the boy into a sudden bear hug and said gruffly against his closer ear, "You are not a bother, Eljay. You're just struggling with the death of a loved one. It's one of the hardest parts of life." He wanted to apologize again but Peregrine held his tongue, leaving it at that, holding onto Eljay tightly for a moment before releasing him.

Eljay smiled gratefully, but before he could answer he was pulled into a hug by his uncle. He smiled into his uncle's fur as he was told that he wasn't a bother, but he somehow still felt like it. He wished he could help more, but it seemed like there was always something going wrong. He'd been useless as a pup and now that he finally found a purpose for himself — sitting (on) the puppies — Eljay was distraught to know that something was messing that up, too. To hear he was doing things wrong for the firebirds made him feel panicky and like he should stay away from all the pups, but he didn't want to, 'cause he loved spending time with them.

"Thanks, Uncle P," he murmured into his uncle's fur before he was released from the hug. He shuffled his feet, not really sure what else he could say, so sort of waiting to see if Uncle P had anything more to share.

He felt a smidgen awkward following his overbearing display of affection and if he were a human, he might have sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck just then. Instead, he smiled softly at Eljay and said, "Any time, bud." That didn't sound quite right in hindsight, yet Peregrine shrugged inwardly. It was the sentiment that counted, right?

"Well, I'll leave you to it. Just, uh, if you need anything, you can always come find me, all right? And your mom and dad have your back too." He wondered if the Delta would tell Finley about this little chat and how she would feel about it if he did. Would she get more upset? Or appeased that Peregrine had tried to make amends? Honestly, Peregrine couldn't guess.

With a last, fond smile, the Alpha moved away, giving Eljay his space as he wandered back in the direction of the rendezvous site to check up on the Firebirds and Jackrabbit.

"Bye, Uncle P," said Eljay when Uncle P offered that he'd always be there for him, as well as mommy and daddy. He nodded subserviently and waited for Uncle P to leave afterwards. With a heavy sigh, Eljay walked back towards the den after that, laying down in front of it and back to guard duty again. He wouldn't likely tell mommy and daddy about the talk, unless they asked, mostly because he was both confused and embarrassed still about the whole matter.