Emberwood you always were

it was morning. winter was well upon them, as told by the light flurry of snow. bhediya's coat had finally thickened to capacity so instead of finding shelter, she sat still in the center of the wood to enjoy the scenery.

too much time had passed since her last conversation. loneliness had a grip on her heart and refused to let go.

Things were looking up for Ibis; the pack had fully established their claim upon the forest, food appeared to be flowing at increased frequency, and even Ibis' health had begun to improve. She wasn't at her best yet—but she wasn't nearly as withdrawn. Her fever had broken with Reiko's help and while she still had the sniffles, her energy levels had increased.

So she had been hunting. It was hard for Ibis to focus on one thing or another so she went after whatever her whims demanded: food for a while until the scent died out, or herbs in parts of the wood where the frost and snow hadn't permeated; these were rare. What she hadn't anticipated to find was Bhediya, but she was happy to see the woman roaming between the trees and sought her out.

Unaware of whether Bhe was hunting or not (and not wanting to disturb her if she was) Ibis took some care with her approach, prancing like a fawn through some snow as she came up alongside her. A soft (slightly wet) chuff to gather her attention, and Ibis' tail began to pendulum behind her.

how long?

bhediya's head felt heavy as it turned to face ibis. a weak smile was all that she could muster, though she hoped that the girl wouldn't mind. behena, she called, making every effort to stand and meet her where she stood. bhe ran her snout against ibi's shoulder and offered an affectionate rumble.

what're you up to? she asked, wondering if there was room for one more.

It seemed like Bhe wasn't busy with anything, which suited Ibis fine. Her little ears twitched when the woman spoke, using a word she didn't know—or rather a language she hadn't ever heard before—and followed up with a more familiar question. The girl shrugged. Looking around mostly, the forest is bigger than I thought. And I hoped to find something to stock the caches with.

There didn't appear to be anything of note, though. The prey might've started to come back but that didn't meant there would be deer herds patrolling the Emberwood anytime soon; maybe some rabbits in the lowlands, provided it wasn't too cold. The herbs were a wash—buried or rotten, there wouldn't be anything around until spring.

I'd love to take a break, if you'd like to walk with me? She offered, presuming the woman would enjoy a little bit of company. There was a forlorn look to Bhediya's eyes to which Ibis' heart went out. Or, um, I do have... A question, but it might not be appropriate... Ibis waffled a little bit, her face scrunching ever so slightly.

each word that ibis spoke came a breath of fresh air. it was easy to enjoy her presence and so bhediya did, finding herself catching a sort of second wind. you can ask me while we walk. there was a tired look to her eyes, one that communicated the pain of age, but a warm smile decorated her maw.

what's on your mind? bhe asked as she began thee stroll. whatever it was, even if she didn't have a sufficient answer, she was glad that ibi felt confident enough to share.

Flashes of different conversations came to mind as she fell in to step alongside Bhe, but what caught in her brain was one particular conversation, and it made her face flush with warmth as if she still held a fever. What's on your mind? Bhediya prompted once silence was restored, and Ibis could only chuckle softly, unsure of how to really broach this particular subject.

She had never thought about being a mother, exactly. Sure at some point she'd thought about how cute her babies might be one day, and might've even fantasized about babies with particular people—but none of that was serious, none of that stuck. As a little girl she'd been content to play with little kids, to babysit, but this thought in her head now went beyond that.

You... Have kids, the girl drawled slowly, watching Bhediya's reaction as she went. What um, what are they like? And what was... What was it like to.. y'know. She meant to have them but with how she worded it, it could've been easily misconstrued as another thing entirely; she'd clearly never had the talk. However, feeling quite embarrassed, Ibis falls silent and averts her eyes.

it was difficult to pinpoint bhediya's exact emotion upon hearing ibis's inquiry. most of it was flattery, being the one chosen to have this conversation, but there was a trace of sadness, too. of all the girls she'd ever brought into the world, she'd never had a chance to help them when their time came. in that way, ibis was like a daughter to bhediya, though by declaration rather than genetics.

the girl's embarassment was palpable. to offer comfort, bhe gently nudged at her shoulder. i have a lot of them, she replied, her mind searching for any memory of their faces. my youngest three, they were all very different. they had their own personalities, you know? even as infants, it was easy to tell them apart just by the way that they acted. one of them, arushi, i remember her being like you.

this was the last time she intended to mention the names of her lost children. it was easier to presume them dead than to accept that she'd been left behind. bhediya drew in a deep breath. no, i don't know. there were too many stages of motherhood for her to deduce the correct one. you don't have to be...shy, ibi. you can ask me.

The way that Bhediya's face shifted with its emotions.. She looked so still, usually. Like a freshwater lake when the days were clear and bright. But now as Ibis watched, the woman looked as if she went through a flurry of different emotions: pain chief among them, loss, nostalgia maybe. Ibis felt bad for bringing up the past when it was clear Bhe was trying to work through it; those still waters ran deep, but now there was a ripple, a disturbance caused by the girl's questions.

Arushi. I remember her being like you, which was flattering, and made Ibis smile faintly, even lift her nervous eyes to Bhediya's face. No, being shy wouldn't get her answers. Ibis didn't really know what she was asking about but, now the conversation had begun and it would be weird to cut it short with Bhediya willing to talk about this stuff. It was like confronting her own mothers about it—something Ibis wished she could do, desperately.

I used to want kids. She finally explains. Not seriously, at least I don't think so. But I do like kids, and I always found them to be charming — I helped care for some of them when I lived in the Lost Creek pack, and thinking of her step-siblings made her smile a bit brighter; Ashlar, even Sionnac. Someone asked me if I was planning to... Become a mother, and I was surprised. Except she knew she could do it — it was more a matter of when, and if the circumstances were right.

I always thought... I dunno, maybe it sounds stupid, but... Those deserving of family were blessed somehow with it. She was speaking from her heart and not really thinking about how it sounded; harsh maybe, considering how lonely Bhediya appeared. I don't know if I deserve that. Which sounded grim, sure, but before Bhe could counter that point Ibis rushed ahead: Its hard enough keeping everyone together, fed, and happy right now.

their conversations always routed back to the unrealistically high standards ibis aimed to keep. bhediya frowned, finding herself incredibly discontented with the girl's non-acknowledgement of her accomplishments. it was easy to ignore the presumably unintentional jab because in that moment, bhediya's only concern was soothing her companion.

there wasn't much that she could say, though. if ibis wasn't ready to be a mother then bhediya couldn't encourage it and walk away with a clean conscience. this is what i know about blessings, she said, you have to work for them, just like everything else.

and sure, keeping the caches full was no easy task. it was difficult to keep everyone happy and healthy, especially as their group grew. however, we've managed, haven't we? motherhood was comparable to hunting during a famine: a lot of hard work with no guaranteed return. why don't you think you deserve it?

As always, the mother knew her stuff. She was a voice of reason who could temper Ibis' doubts. It wasn't even that Ibis had high standards for herself — she didn't know what she wanted out of life, and without her family around her to help her, she was lost. What she wanted was her brother back, her mothers back, her parents together... But everything she wanted was vastly out of reach, and in knowing this the girl had to change her expectations. When the woman turned the question back on her (Why don't you think you deserve it?) Ibis slowed her stride and had to pause, making herself consider the question.

It isn't... I guess deserve is the wrong word. Everyone deserves a loving family. I had that. A long breath, a deep sigh. When it felt like home wasn't working, I went somewhere else and tried something new. She thought of Terance and the Hollow, but it had never really been home. I'm afraid that something could happen, maybe? That I could try and build something real but have it blow up in my face. Ibis lightly shakes her head as she concludes this thought.

I used to dream about meeting a knight in shining armour, you know? Like in the stories. I'd be a princess, and then they would come and charm me. We'd rescue a kingdom together or something... Fall in love. Kids were never part of the equation but, I mean, I was a kid myself. It all seemed so out-of-place now that she was older. Ibis thought of the pale boy in the moonlight suddenly; the vision of the nameless boy transformed in to Marten and brought her thoughts around full circle. I wonder though... As the leader of our little family, if that's what this is, um... Is that what they all expect of me? Is that what you want me to do?

a small gap grew between them after ibis took pause. bhediya turned to face her, concern writ on her expression. it was justifiable to have concerns before entering motherhood; every parent wanted to be perfect. learning that this was impossible, well, it had to happen on its own.

so, bhe let that comment slide. kids had never been a part of her plan, either. it just so happened that pregnancy befell her (and twice over!), leaving her to deal with the consequences. both times, she'd left before having to fully accept that responsibility.

it doesn't matter what anyone expects of you, bhediya explained, all that matters is that you're ready. if you're not, and she didn't think that she was, then we can wait. next spring, the spring after, hopefully i'm around for the spring after that... getting old sucked.

still, even with her doubts, bhediya could sense the maternality (maternal mentality?) of the girl. ibis was mature for her age; much more mature than the elder had been during her first pregnancy. she thought that ibis would make for a good, albeit unconvential mother. are you thinking about it? bhe asked, suddenly realizing the implications of their conversation.

It felt like Bhediya had all of the answers, or at least more than anyone else might have access to. Yet after Ibis spoke her piece she was given a very straight-forward reply which Ibis knew in her heart was true, but that didn't make it any easier. It was entirely up to her. Gone were the days of childhood bliss where she merely had to answer to her mothers, or obey the commands of her superiors; she'd always been so good at that. Now, though, she was a leader and she felt ill-equipped for big life decisions.

The mother was right—Ibis wasn't ready.

Are you thinking about it? An obvious question which didn't have an obvious answer.

Ibis was quiet, thoughtful, and then shook her head. Starting to, I guess. She was too young for all of this; she'd never had a deep connection with anyone to the extent that her mother's had, and their union had made them great mothers together. Ibis couldn't see herself acting in that role yet. I just want to do what is right.

okay, so bhediya was right: divulging her own experiences as a mother earlier in the conversation would have proven much less effective than sharing them now. it was a touchy subject that carried with it bounds of painful memories, but offering the knowledge that she'd acquired was necessary to communicate her point.

and it was ibis. bhediya loved ibis; they'd become like family, even if the sentiment was one-sided. 

i've done this twice, she sighed, and in two very different situations. i was there physically, but i wasn't there mentally, meaning i wasn't ready yet. and because i wasn't ready, i caused a lot of pain. pain that i'm still dealing with and that i know my kids are dealing with, too.

there was always the risk of judgement. instead of going into detail, bhediya left it at that. i'm not saying this to scare you, but i...i want you to make sure that when you become a mom, it's because you were ready for it. not because it's what anyone else wanted, but because it's what you wanted.

Ibis was silent as the woman spoke, explained rather, and while Ibis didn't fully understand what was meant by mental versus physical she tried very hard to link things up in her mind. Soon enough Bhediya was talking about herself and her history, which helped somewhat, even though there was a pained look to the woman which Ibis regretted.

I understand, she says next, but it is a half truth. She doesn't want to cause any upset with her friend and knows very little about how things really work overall; the act of consummating a relationship, the physical side of all that, well, it wasn't explained to her in detail because her parents were often busy making babies and caring for vagrants. And when Ibis was old enough to understand, she'd already flown the proverbial coop. Her father hadn't been the one to approach about any of this either.

But the talk was finished; Ibis had a lot to mull over and that was clear by the focused expression on her face. Thank you so much for helping me, Bhediya. I really appreciate it. Then a smile; a nuzzle to the woman's cheek as Ibis might've done to Seabreeze. I have a lot to think about. And... I think... I should probably get back to work. Back to the hunt and all that.

their conversation was ending. bhediya accepted the girl's nuzzle and tried to reciprocate but found it difficult, given their difference in height. she stifled a laugh, as did her writer while imagining the two of them beside one another.

come and find me if you need someone to talk to, okay? bhe gave another stiff wag of her tail. and if you do decide to, you know, i want to be one of the first to know.

it would be too difficult to watch her only companion turn and walk away. instead, she spun on her own paws and made her way back to their starting point, trading the smile for a flat, emotionless expression.