Broken Boulder what would my head be like

Do you know why Zamael left? It was abrupt, almost rhetorical; she could not know why. Zamael was never around to speak the tale, and Alarian had never wanted to. He looked away as he spoke, focusing on keeping his breathing even for a few beats. The question was left hanging heavy in that time.
Even as he continued, he could not look at her. A few days after he attacked him, dad killed his boyfriend. I saw it. I didn't— I couldn't tell him until he was healed, because I knew it would hurt him. I knew it would hurt him so much he would leave, and I couldn't— He swallowed hard and stopped. Lanawyn wouldn't leave, he knew that— but there were more ways to lose someone than physically, and the Keils knew that perhaps better than most.
After several beats, he spoke again, voice low. I can't stop thinking about it. It just— it won't leave you alone, once you know. I wish I didn't.