Moonspear I'm Upset

its fine! thanks for starting this! ♥

it does not strike drogon as unexpected as vela corners him. after her stunt and confrontation during moving the cubs to the rendezvous site he was given time to think about what he'd tell her. the truth, preferably because he's told many lies, fabricated many stories. to blackfeather woods, during his time alone and even to the wolves of moonspear alone. it was necessary. to protect himself, to protect teaghlaigh. but teaghlaigh is gone and his mother is dead and he feels a pressing grief that he has no idea how to process. perhaps that was why he returned. not because he wants or expects comfort — he doesn't — but because moonspear is familiar and he roarke altaer fearghal-ansbjørn is a man of his word for better or for worse. he wants more. there is a fledgling spark in his mind to see if he could do it: if he could strike out and build a prospering kingdom on his own but he's still young, too green. too unwilling to rely heavily on others.

vela's tail is raised and her displeasure is keenly picked up by the talvella but he does not submit to her. perhaps in rank they are not equals but in their relationship ( however murky and uncertain it currently is )? there's supposed to be an equality there. he does not try to side-step her, has no intention of avoiding her. roarke meets her gaze calmly, patiently as she demands to know where he's been. "i've been having a lot of doubts lately, a lot of uncertainty about myself, about what i wanted from my life, about whether i could see my ambitions fulfilled. i was being selfish." might as well start with that. he fully acknowledges that by not talking with her first, by catering to himself he is incredibly selfish. "i should have spoken with you about what i was feeling." he does not offer her any sort of feeble excuse; that's not the kind of man that roarke is. "i went on a trip in the hopes that i might find myself along the way and frankly i wasn't sure if i was coming back. it was wrong. i know it was wrong." that likely doesn't make it any better but admitting it was a step in the right direction.

"i'm ...scared of commitment. i'm scared at the idea of settling down and all i was really doing was trying to run away." roarke admits, tearing down the wall down that he's had up for so long ...even with vela. it terrifies roarke to allow himself to be so vulnerable but she deserves the truth regardless of how bad or cowardly it makes him seem. he worked so hard on creating his masks: suave and smooth, tough and ferocious. he is those things but he is also just a lost boy trying to figure out where he fits in a world that is harsh and unforgiving. a life lesson he learned far too young. "you have every right to be upset at me." roarke draws in a deep breath and releases it with a rise and fall of his shoulders as his ears slick back against his skull. "i'm sorry vela." not words he's used to saying but need to be said nevertheless whether they mean anything to her or not.