Broken Boulder i can't tell if the want justifies the need

It'd been too easy to lose himself to old habits; the convoluted mess of attraction and anxiety had melted away into a single point of focus, a willing body, something he knew far better than he knew how to navigate feelings. The silence allowed him to hold on for a little longer, to pretend he knew what he was doing here. Of course, it wasn't meant to last. Whatever sense of security he'd imagined came crashing down when he heard Delight's voice.
He should never have touched him. Something vague and maybe-imagined in his tone made Alarian's stomach twist uncomfortably. Unlike Delight, he did regret this now, swallowing back the nausea rising up his throat on a wave of disgust and self-loathing. Everything in him raced to slam down steel walls, but he hesitated at the last moment, idiot that he was; the dark-furred boy lingered only half beyond his boundaries, would inevitably be caught under the crushing weight of whatever barrier he put between them.
It— it wasn't— bad, was it? Instead he quietly drew the curtains, hating his vulnerability here and finding himself unable to rip it away entirely after he'd offered it so freely. Delight's question went ignored— he didn't think he could answer it. The gentle preening ceased, but he didn't move away from him. He could only focus on his own breathing, and how the pause between their words had suddenly become a prison.