Kildeer Rest john my beloved

@Alarian

He made his way home, far too eager to be alone again. The emotions that had built in his chest were still fiery and raw. He hated them - wanted them to go away - but they seemed intent on lingering. His body posture spoke all too clearly of his disinterest in everything around him.

Not once had he bothered to look back. Perhaps it was out of fear for seeing the same thing or maybe it was out of disgust of the scene already seen. Ulf wasn't particularly sure who to direct his sour mood at. The stranger for obviously wooing Alarian? Alarian for seeking comfort in a stranger? Or did Ulf deserve his own foul mood?

Contemplating everything, he stomped through the lands in hopes he would beat the gold-kissed male home.

He hadn't caught Ulf's scent until after the encounter— it was fresh. Too fresh. It didn't take a genius to figure out what had happened, and the realization quickly sent Alarian into a panic. Heart suddenly pounding, he followed the trail as quickly as possible; he wasn't as fast as he had been before his leg injury, though, and it showed. Especially after— well, that.
A million thoughts hit him, but mostly he could only think that his friend was disgusted. He couldn't have known that he was right, if for the wrong reasons. Alarian assumed, wrongly though he couldn't know, that Ulf wasn't uhh... down with the gay. Not because he had any evidence or reason— just because it was the worst case scenario, and Ali seemed to like those.
When he finally spotted him, his pace picked up. He opened his mouth to call out to the wolfdog, but— words failed him. His chest and lungs felt tight, constricted; he didn't want to lose Ulf's companionship. Alarian drew closer, chuffing and whining to announce his presence. He was tired— more so, after what he had done, and he didn't know if he even had the energy to fix this. Maybe he would just lose Ulf, too; maybe he would lose everyone.

Ulf didn't know it was possible but the frown on his features deepened. Usually, the presence of Alarian would soothe his nerves and perhaps he would have forgiven everything if the smell of the stranger wasn't still present on the Governor. A fatal stab to his already bubbling emotions.

His good eye glanced over to the gold-kissed male. He so badly wanted to feel fondness but it was hard. A huff escaped him. Stink. He spoke the single word sharply. Almost aggressively he aimed to brush himself into Alarian's side. Ulf instinctually wanted to mask the scent of the stranger with his own scent. As if that might make what he had seen less real.

"Stink." Alarian almost flinched from the word, watching Ulf with wide eyes. He allowed the touch, shivering slightly at the hint of aggression; it didn't necessarily scare him. And while he couldn't have known the wolfdog's thoughts, something about the action struck him as possessive, too— another shiver ran down his spine.
I'm sorry, The words came out quiet, choked; he didn't know what he was supposed to be apologizing for, though, and for once he couldn't let it go. I'm sorry— but... why?

The wolfdog's features fell from aggravated to slightly less aggravated. Ulf almost wished Alarian had stopped at the first apology. The second one didn't make things better and the added question only seemed to fan his flames. Ulf wasn't sure how to react but he was most certainly not rolling in good feelings or handing out forgiveness.

Why? Why what? There were a billion whys he could have asked or answered but he didn't. Mostly because he didn't know where to start and wasn't sure where this would end. So he'd allow Alarian to pick the starting place. His pace slowed until he was at a halt. Ulf had no interest in dragging this situation back home and so they would fix things here. He would make sure of it.

It was the first time Ulf had held any sort of grudge against him— it hurt. Alarian swallowed hard, trying to find the words to clarify, stopping near his friend but not moving to touch him. He was almost scared to say more, to receive an answer to his question— what if that hurt, too? But he had to try to— fix this, whatever it was. However it had ended up broken in the first place.
Why are you upset? Is it— are you... He swallowed hard again. Do you think I'm disgusting? Alarian had heard the words enough from his father, not directed at him but at his kind— enough that he could hear them now, even after all this time. Unfortunately, he was entirely oblivious to his friend's feelings for him; Ali could be kind of an idiot.

For all of his feelings at that moment, he hadn't felt disgust for Alarian. Merely disgust for finding such a situation — finding a stranger. He couldn't believe that Alarian didn't understand why he was upset but he couldn't fault him fully. Ulf had never been the best with words, especially emotional ones.

No. He started off with a single word that was much softer than the former ones. The wolfdog took in a deep breath. Why him? It was the one thing he wanted to know the most. What was it that had beckoned Alarian to the strang male? Perhaps if he knew, he could move past the whole thing and accept that he could not compete with what the wilds had.

He couldn't help the soft sigh of relief at the negative response— but he tensed again at the question, finding himself at a loss. Alarian couldn't see why it made any difference who he slept with; maybe Ulf thought the stranger was ugly, and was... offended? Somehow?
I don't know, He admitted, a little exasperated— but he was being honest. He was there. He wanted me. I— everything is falling apart and I just wanted to feel... wanted. And there it was— out in the open. None but Ulf could have drawn such immediate honesty from Alarian. He regretted it immediately of course; surely if he hadn't been disgusted before, he would be now.

He should have kept his mouth shut. The answer he received was not one he had wanted to hear but he couldn't change the truth, could he? The frown seemed a bit sadder now although a hint of frustration still laced his features. Particularly in the way his brows furrowed.

His lips parted but he hesitated to speak. Think I not want Alarian? Ulf's voice grew almost to a whisper as his gaze fell to stare at the space between them. He had not really accepted or explored his feelings but this seemed like the proper time to come to terms with them.

Granted it could have also been the worst time as well.

Oh. That was what this was about— suddenly, it made sense. It made a horrible amount of sense. His ears flattened immediately at Ulf's words, expression changing rapidly. Shock first— then confusion, and fear— and then something unreadable.
He didn't know how he felt about it. Clearly, Ulf wanted more than just what Alarian had shared with the stranger— why else would he be so upset by it? But he didn't know if he could give more. Not to anyone— unless they had a really pretty last name. A little hysterically, he thought he didn't even know the wolfdog's last name. Or if he had one. Ha. Ha.
But that didn't mean there wasn't a part of him that wanted it. Maybe a larger part than he would ever be comfortable admitting. I— I didn't realize you felt that way, The words came soft, slightly breathless. Ulf, I— what is it you want from me, exactly? It was not a hostile question; it was genuine, perhaps a little raw. He needed to know— he needed to know so he could tell Ulf if he could give it to him or not.

Frustration gave way to foolishness. The wolfdog had been dumb to believe the wolf could have known or seen his feelings or to even think that they might be reciprocated. His ears fell back slightly at the question. Want nothing. He did not need glory, titles, riches or anything of the such from Alarian. Need you. All he needed was the male by his side — needed to know he wouldn't run off with strangers when he needed to feel wanted. Was that too much to ask?

In all of his emotional turmoil, he hadn't considered what Alarian might want or think. Perhaps they weren't on the same page. Was that why the gold-kissed wolf had pulled away in the hollows? What Alarian want? Need? He asked as he finally mustered up the courage to try and make eye contact.

Ultimately, it was too much to ask— so perhaps it was best that Ulf had not asked it directly. Alarian could sacrifice many things for those he cared for— but, selfishly, not that. He might have even made the promise, at the wolfdog's urging— he would not have kept it. Instead he drew closer, sinking down to the ground in front of Ulf out of habit.
You, He lied easily in response to the question, eyes shining with unshed tears. What he wanted— what he needed, he thought, was a way out. A way to stop feeling all of this— dealing with all of this— a way to walk away from everything, or maybe just stop existing entirely. Alarian didn't want to hurt Ulf— but he had made the mistake of wanting him, and the wolfdog had made the mistake of wanting Alarian right back. There was only one way this could end.

thinking we could wrap this up?

The answer was hard to believe after seeing him lay with another but Ulf so badly wanted to believe it. He'd nudge at the Governor's crown then, a sign for him to stand back up. The wolfdog — despite their just tender moment — was not feeling wholely loving enough to shower Alarian with affections. He still stunk of the stranger and perhaps once that scent and memory were out of Ulf's mind he'd go back to normal.

Home. He chuffed the single word with ease as his nose pointed to where the Sanctuary would be. The wolfdog would take his leave and lead the way back unless there was a protest from his company.

The lie had not made everything better— he hadn't expected it would, really. But it made him feel a little more okay. Maybe— maybe he could learn to mean it. Maybe he could learn to love the way everyone else did; wholly, truthfully, carefully.
Or, more likely, he could— would— destroy this, and Ulf, between setting fire to everything else. He rose at the wolfdog's request, and would follow him home at a slight distance. Alarian still ached from the encounter; more accurately, from Aditya, but the stranger had aggravated the existing soreness. His posture sagged tiredly, expression hollow.
When they reached Bracken Sanctuary, he parted from Ulf wordlessly; or maybe the wolfdog followed him, when he bolted for the creek, tears stinging his eyes as he frantically sought to remove all traces of the affair. He didn't care either way. All he could feel was disgusting.