Phoenix Maplewood Remember When

It's all good (: Oh boy, this post was super hard to write! I spent some time researching how kids respond to parental divorce, and decided to try to play off that.

Nanook stiffened at how Desna interpreted her words. That wasn't what she meant. Of course papa could take care of Xan, he could take care of them all. But before she could blurt any objection, her sister offered something of value - a location, a starting point, and Nanook remained silent with ears pressed to their full attention. She might not have listened before, but now Desna had her fixed. The only problem was, her sister offered little more to help her find their absent family, and the words Desna offered were ones Nanook didn't want to hear.

The truth was, papa had hurt her. How he'd always given more attention to Xan stung, but she cherished the moments she remembered. The time he'd embraced her, the time he'd praised her for winning the pushing game, the times he'd finally taken her out to learn all the words he'd been teaching Xan. Papa had hurt her, and mama, too, but she thought they still loved her, and if even if they didn't, she still wanted them both. She still wanted Xan, even though Desna was right. He'd been mean her, too. There had been so many times she'd secretly wished him gone, but now that he wasn't here, she just wanted him back.

And then came the shift, what Nanook took as a hidden accusation, and her mass of emotion simmered to a halt.

She heard what Desna said after that, her words louder than everything before, yet every sentiment fell on ears deaf to her comfort and reaching. Nanook tried to focus, if only because Desna had already called her out once for not listening, but her whole body buzzed with the same numbing guilt she suppressed through the avoidance of her family. It was because of her that mama was upset, and it was because of something she did that papa wasn't here anymore. Desna said that papa was mean to their mother, but Nanook knew the truth. That was why mama didn't listen to her pleas to find the others. That was why Desna could be so happy here - because this was Nanook's punishment, not hers. And maybe that was why Desna wouldn't help her now.

Desna, who still wanted to be her sister. Desna, who wanted her close. There was an instinct in Nanook that told her to cling to her sister and never let go. Instead, she turned her body away. "I'm sorry." Her voice cracked under the strain. She was sorry, for everything that had happened, but she didn't know how to fix this. She couldn't lift her gaze to meet her sister's again. "I have to go."